May 24, 2009

• Battle of the Smithsonian, a review

  Before I begin another movie review, I would like to present a question to parents. You see, I went to the theatre at about 11 o’clock in the morning for the sole purpose of avoiding children, who would be theoretically in school on a Friday at this time. I would like to ask all you parents out there why the hell there were school age children in this theatre at 11 o’clock on a Friday? Noisy school age children? Did you really think a Ben Stiller movie involving break-dancing Einsteins and a trash-talking moai was more important than getting a decent education? Christ, at least put a muzzle on the little spawn. Anyway, what was I writing about?…

  Right, the sequel to the somewhat entertaining action-comedy Night at the Museum… Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian EXTREME: Turbo Edition, heretofore abbreviated to Battle of the Smithsonian or “this movie”. In all due honesty, and I want to be fair here, this movie was boring. It fell into the same holes that the prequel fell into, but foolishly had large servings of baked beans beforehand. I presume they were off to reenact the fart scene from Blazing Saddles (a much better film), but instead decided to poorly pander to its fanbase: children and history geeks (I’m not quite sure which clique I fall into just yet). Mind, pandering to a fanbase isn’t a bad thing. I’ve watched lots of anime do it, and do it well. This movie failed to pander by turning all of the historical characters into unlikable pricks that make me just want to punch children in the face (beginning with the noisy one that sat behind me).

  When I saw the first movie, one of my hopes was that any sequels would spend more time fleshing out the characters. I liked them; they were fun. Compared to this movie, however, the first had characterization on par with a Martin Scorsese film. I believe they should make a new film genre with this movie as its base: a cameo flick. Basically, it’s any film that hinges on maybe two characters while the rest of the film involves trying to squeeze in as many cameo appearances as possible. Some of these cameos were welcome and piqued the geek segments of my brain: Oscar the Grouch, Al Capone, La Petite Danseuse de Quatorze Ans, the Tuskegee Airmen, and even Darth [freakin'] Vader. There were also some less than desired cameos, such as the Jonas Brothers appearing as a trio of flying, “singing” cherubim. While most cameos were nice, they came and went so fast that they barely had time to consistently elicit excitement.

  The first movie begged the question: Wouldn’t somebody else have noticed these going-ons? Most of the time, I could pass it off with a “they go back to their original positions by sunrise” or “it’s gods-damn kids’ movie”, but that wouldn’t work with this film. The exhibits did not return to their original positions, they spent a lot of time prancing about outside on the National Mall, and they smashed a huge friggin’ hole in the side of a building. The ending left all of these problems unsolved.

  Oh, and I shall not speak of the ending. It left such a bad taste in my mouth that I cannot bear brining it back into mind.

  The movie did a few things right, though. The fight scene with the miniature Jedidiah and Octavius charging in slow-motion, 300-style, into a group of enemies with metal music blasting in the background was glorious. Characterizing The Thinker as a muscle pumping jock was also a work of comedic genius. Also, any movie that has Darth Vader in it automatically gets boosted a few points (The Proposal, take note).

  I hesitate to recommend this movie. On my somewhat arbitrary numbering scale, it rates around 5.83022 / 10.23. The only reason I would recommend it is to get kids exciting in going to the museum. It’s a cheesy reason, I know, but I like museums, and I want more people to like them too.

  

  • 7:07 am
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