January 24, 2010

• Legion, a review

  I realize that in these reviews I have a tendency towards hyperbole. Not this time. I am completely serious when I say that this movie is one of the worst I have ever seen in my life. I don’t even know where to begin with this. It’s as if a bunch of people got together and just made a mess on a paper.

  I don’t know how such an awful movie could be made. I do have a theory though. Legion began as a zombie movie. The evidence is apparent: a large mass of mindless people with a dreadful need to bite people, a small group of survivors who get picked off one at a time, shotguns. The producers were probably about ready to start filming when some prick decided to say, “no, there have been enough zombie movies.” Suddenly faced with losing their magnum opus, the group hurriedly tried to change the story line. They must’ve found the Bible in the drawer of their hotel room and decided that an angelic apocalypse was the way to go.

  They were wrong. In fact, I don’t even think it’s the Bible they were ripping off. I mean, they had two angels, Michael and Gabriel, but after that there is no relation. They make a passing mention to the global flood, but that could be practically any ancient religion.

  The plot is just a mess. Michael cuts off his wings and descends to Earth Terminator-style, steals a bunch of guns, and drives off to the middle of the desert to protect some pregnant lady so her child can redeem mankind. He needs to protect her from, of course, God. He had lost faith in humanity and decided to wipe them all out again. That’s what the plot was supposed to be. The big problem is that they hardly pay any attention to it. They focus too much on character development that is ultimately worthless, since all of them end up dying anyway.

  By the film’s end there were so many loose ends that I almost turned to God just to pray that He does not allow the creation of a sequel. It never explains why or how the child is meant to redeem humanity. It never explains why Michael’s tattoos suddenly appear on the lame male character’s body. It never explains why it presented a Chekhov’s gun in the beginning involving nightmares but fails to fire it. It never explained what was going on in the outside world (well, except for maybe a few sentences). It never explains why angels have such potty mouths. The list simply goes on.

  I occasionally found myself laughing. The only problem is that this was not a comedy. I remember one scene in particular where Michael and Gabriel are fighting in a diner. Gabriel says to Michael just before he kills him, “you always wanted to live like them [humans]… now you will die like them.” I was cracking up. That line was so cheesy that I could not help it. I was worried that the person sitting next to me would be pissed at my laughing, but he was giggling almost as much as I was.

  This film gets an absolutely deplorable 1.523774 / 10.23. The only reason it received any points is that they had a big black man throw a frying pan at an old woman and they spared the slutty piece of eye candy for the last death. Do not watch this movie.

  

  • 6:40 am
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