May 18, 2011

• Manly Baked Bads

  (or Cooking with Jimbo 12)

  Since, it’s been almost a full year since our last installment, I thought we would go with a theme for this episode. We’re going to be cooking up a little something from the masterful television series My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Aww yeah, we’re cooking up some motherfnckin’ baked bads. Let me just throw up the ingredients list and get this show on the road:

  1 cup sugar
  ~3 cups flour
  2 tsp baking soda
  2 eggs
  Chips
  20 oz. Soda
  1 cup sour
  Wheat worms

  

  Start out by preheating the oven to 300 degrees (Fahrenheit). After that, begin the mixing with a very large bowl and add the eggs (removed from their shells) with the sugar (removed from it’s sack).

  

  Add in the chips. Now, I know adding chips may seem odd. That’s because it is. But this recipe is different. We’re making manly baked bads. Put away those generic, store-brand tater chips. It’s time to bust out the barbeque chips. Crunch them up into a fine powder and pour in about half the bag (don’t want to over do it).

  

  As you stir it, you may think it looks like the makings of a sweet potato casserole. Don’t let that fool you. Actual sweet potatoes are far less manly.

  

  Next, the recipe calls for a cup of sour. I’m not too sure what that means, but lemons are pretty sour. Go ahead and pour in a cup of lemon juice. Remember: “If life gives you lemons, then things have gone sour.”

  

  Twenty ounces of soda? Pfft. I’m twenty-three years old! I don’t need to use any stinking soda. Pour in twenty ounces of beer! Cerveza mas fina! (Side note: this turned out being a lot fizzier than I thought it would be. You might want to let it go flat before cooking)

  

  If you’re anything like me, then by this point you will realize that the bowl you are using is not even remotely big enough. Switch to a stew pot, pour in the flour and baking soda, and mix up the batter (badder?).

  

  You are now ready to make a royal mess of your kitchen. Pull out the baking tray and fill each cup with some batter.

  

  Now, some so-called “recipes” will call for using gummi worms. What do I look like? A little girl? If it’s good enough for Bear Grylls, then it’s good enough for me. We’re putting some real motherfnckin’ worms into these muffins.

  

  Be careful. Some of these worms are feisty ones. If they try to escape their fate, flick them back in until they become so drunk they can’t see(?) straight.

  

  Now cover the worms with a little bit more batter. If the oven is ready, you can go ahead and plop the tray in there. I can’t say how long it’ll take for you, but after about twenty-five minutes, my muffins were cooked enough to put a fork through them cleanly. While you’re waiting, why not spruce things up with some bacon? If EpicMealTime has taught me anything, it’s that everything is better with bacon.

  

  When your bacon and muffins are done, the time has come… to let them cool. If your muffins were anything like mine, they will have completely failed to rise. Oh well, that’s what the bacon is for.

  

  BAM! And just like that, you have your very own manly baked bads.

  

  Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to eat more than one of them as they were. Even with the bacon. When this worst case scenario arises, you need to ready the nuclear option:

  

  Mmm… delicious!

  

  • 7:28 pm
  • 6 Comments