April 2, 2005

• Dude, get this. I was driving home from Johns Hopkins and I saw the scariest thing ever. This sighting proves to me that humanity will not die from nuclear annihilation, nor various equestrian doom-bringers. No, all of humanity will be wiped out in a giant car accident.

  
  

  I was driving home and it was raining. The roads were soaking wet and rather slippery. Trust me, I know how much fun hydroplaning is. Anyway, I was going about 10 mph over the speed limit when somebody passed me. Now imagine how fast the other guy must have been going. Do you have the thought in your head? Okay, I'll give you a few more seconds... Alright, so he is driving pretty dang fast. When he passed me I got a chance to look at him through his window. Naturally, he was eating a cheeseburger in one hand and had his other holding a cell phone in his ear. Now if both of his legs needed to be driving the car, what was controlling the gas and his brakes? Maybe his legs were braking and accelerating while he used his penis to steer. Now we all know what happens when guys think with their penis. For those of you who don't know the answer to a rhetorical question, they think pretty poorly. So with him speeding, eating a burger, talking to who-knows-what, and using his penis to steer, he can easily destroy at least a major city. Imagine if he saw a beautiful girl wearing no bra walking through the rain. SWERVE! That's what'll happen. He rams into an office building, forcing it to crash down. The resulting debris knocks more crap down. Eventually a large poisonous cloud of asbestos and brick fragments floats through the air and kills every person who gets a whiff of the concoction. The resulting death will cause nuclear meltdowns and more car-accidents. Thus contributing to the world's destruction. Now, I know I only saw this in tiny old Aberdeen, but I am sure there are more dick-drivers out there somewhere. Think about that you men who think you can "multi-task" while driving!

  
  

  Wow, this post turned out longer than I had planned. It went way out of my control, by golly. Oh well. Peace out!

  • 5:13 pm
  • 2 Comments