Da Na Na Naaaaaa!

Sorry I haven't updated as often as I should. I have been busy. Very, very, ungodly busy. But let me make it up to you with a pair of stories that happened today...

The Nonfiction Story That Actually Happened¹:

I was driving home from college today, and going down the rode I had a cop driving beside me. Up ahead was a red light, and we both stopped. I looked over at the cop and nodded, trying to act as innocent as possible. The cop was not even paying attention. The officer of the law proceeded to turn on his lights, stop traffic, and proceed through the light. A little further down the road, I saw the same officer then decide to turn his lights back off and go on his merry way. I wish I had that kind of power.

The Fictional Story That I Made Up¹:

The people who lived in my house before me are Korean. Every morning, they had a Korean Times newspaper delivered to their door, or rather thrown unceremoniously on the driveway. This continues even with our residency because they did not cancel the subscription. So, every afternoon when I get back from class, I drive over the newspaper because it is in the way.* As it turns out, the issue for today contained a piece of actual barbed wire from the DMZ. Needless to say, when I drove over it, it popped my tire. After a long string of cursing, I called the president and told him to nuke Korea.

* All descriptions up to this point are, in fact, true.
¹ The redundancy is intentional and supposed to be funny. Sorry.

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN ....

1. Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

2. Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose thedoctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories --(a) those who are no longer accepting new patients, and (b) those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country.

3. Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No Only those you need.

4. Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

5. Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

6. Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the namebrand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

7. Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

8. Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $15=20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

Jimbo: I thought this was kind of funny at least...

When the hell did Tamagotchies become popular again?..... I want one! It's just too bad that college is so dang expensive! Argh! Crush, kill, demolish...

Well, I start college tomorrow. That should be hours of entertainment. Wednesday is more important. Let me let you in on a secret. I have a job interview at freakin' GAMESTOP! No pressure, no pressure, no pressure. God, I sure hope they hire me. That job would kick all manners of ass-zor!

I also hope to watch Chris Titus standup tonight... if I can do it quietly without waking up the landlords, if you know what I mean.