June 14, 2006

• And now an evangelical congregation of the Church of the
  Flying Spaghetti Monster:

  Pasta Jimbo presiding 

  (Enter pasta Jimbo in full pirate regalia)
  Jimbo: Welcome my brethren. We gather hear under His
  great noodly appendage for a time of healing and knowledge. Let us begin with a
  great “Arr” to draw the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s (FSM) attention unto our
  humble meet. Say it with me now –
  Congregation: ARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!
  Jimbo: Excellent. Now before I move into the healing
  process, let us read a word from the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
  (Jimbo flips through the pages of the Gospel)
  Jimbo: Here is a good word: “monstrous” (Gospel of
  FSM 52). Alright, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is surely hovering above us in
  all his invisible glory. The time for healing has come, my friends! Allow me to
  guide the FSM’s noodly appendages down to all the unfortunate. Come forth now!
  Some Guy: Oh, pasta Jimbo! Lately my eyesight has
  been blurring. I fear I may need glasses. I can’t have that! Please help!
  Jimbo: Don’t fear, my friend. The great FSM has heard
  your plea. Now step closer as I guide his noodle to you.
  (Same Guy steps up to the pasta’s podium. Pasta Jimbo takes
  a pen from his pocket and summarily stabs the man in his eye.)
  That Same Guy: Ow, what the f~ck!
  Jimbo: Friends, the FSM has used his noodly appendage
  to guide my hand with unerring accuracy. Now, go and get yourself an eye patch
  and embrace your inner pirate!
  That Same Guy: Sheesh, couldn’t the FSM have just
  cured me?
  Jimbo: The great FSM works in mysterious ways,
  friend! He is also often drunk… Now, before we close, let us all rise up.
  (Congregation stands. That Guy continues to stand, bleeding
  from the eye socket.)
  Jimbo: Okay everyone, lets get a loud RAmen.
  Everyone: RAmen!

  • 8:43 am
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