June 16, 2006

• Near the end of Lewis Black's book Nothing's Sacred, he asked the ever important question "what would you do with a billion dollars?" I liked his idea. He would get a personal ball-washer. Nothing sexual; just someone to keep his ovaloid compatriots squeeky clean. I was at work when I read this, and my laughter arose curious glances from my coworkers. Anyway, as if on cue, some guy in a Sports Utility Gas Guzzler (SUGG) drove by the store blasting his rap "music." I then decided what I would do with a billion dollars... after getting a personal ball-washer, of course. I would fund some research and development into a handheld anti-electronic gun. It would be lightweight, easily concealable, and probably illegal. To use it, you would aim it at whatever electronic you want knocked out and fire a disabling something-a-rather. Naturally, it would be completely silent. Cell phones would be a prime target for me. Especially those users that feel the urge to communicate their banal existence loudly in such places as the library, grocery stores, and much any place outside of the home. Frankly, the billion dollars would be well spent just for that purpose. Cell phones aren't the only pet peeve I would prey upon, however. Let me get back to what brought this idea on. My reticule would also be placed onto those SUGGs with the huge sound systems and subwoofers set to "volcanic eruption." I would be happy just to silence the ear-splitting rap/rock/country/scatalogical music, but why stop there? I would not only have my anti-electronic gun; I would dual-wield that with a genre-alternator pistol. Imagine some dude blasting his rap music in the college parking lot. With a pull of the trigger, his Eminem will suddenly and inexplicably change to, say, Rina Aiuchi. He'll be unable to change back, of course, but if he does, I'll pull the anti-electronic gun and eliminate the problem. He would either lose face, or a sound system. It would be worth the billion dollars just to see the bewildered face. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to try and earn a billion dollars. Excuse me, reader, but do you have any spare change?

  • 7:54 am
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