Yeah, I'm feeling a lot like that right now. Except, I use a desktop PC. Oh, and I'm male... among other technicalities, but the feeling is still there.

"What? Tom and Jerry are smokers!? Oh, we can't have that." At least, that's what's going down in Britain, more or less. As it seems, a single person compained about a particular classic cartoon, which resulted in a complete overhaul of the Boomerang network's programming. Now Boomerang is going to go back through all of its TV shows and try to rub out any scenes "glorifying" smoking. The article I read said it best when it said that scenes of frying pan violence and egg slicer maulings were excluded from the censorship. Anyway, I didn't realize that impressionable kids actually watched Boomerang. Isn't the key point in the word Boomerang, "Boomer"? As in, baby boomer? Also, this new censorship will get rid of so much humor potential. It means, never again will we see such wonderful scenes as this...

       

Oh well. At least if I want to be impressionably stimulated to smoke, I'll play Metal Gear Solid or something. So there! You big poopy heads. If I want to see characters smoking, I don't need your stupid-headed TV shows!
'Til next time, peace!

It's a slow day for news to make fun of. I thought about doing a post about the renaming of the Hitler's Cross restaraunt, but I thought better of it. People might think that I'm racist, and I don't want that kind of publicity. So instead, I'm going to talk about frozen meals, or TV dinners, if you will. Specifically about the obligatory mashed potato side-meal. I don't know about any of you, but I have never once had a frozen meal that had even a palatable serving of mashed potatoes. Yet, for reasons that baffle me, almost every single frozen meal out there comes with a serving of this concoction. It's hard to believe, but these potatoes actually taste worse than the powdered mashed potatoes I had to eat when I was camping. That's right, powdered mashed potatoes. I've tried everything to make them taste right. I stir them in the middle of the microwaving process, and I even stir them at the end just before I eat. Nothing. They just taste aweful. Usually, I enjoy the rest of the meal. Frozen meals are, indeed, quite tasty. Alas, I suppose the frozen mashed potatoes aren't going anywhere. I sincerely hope that technology will soon advance far enough so that frozen meals will have edible mashed potatoes. Until then, peace out.

This news may come as a shock to you. Even now, I have trouble writing it. This turn of events will completely skew everything you have ever been taught as a child. I'm afraid Pluto has lost its planetary status. Due to poor management and profit loss, the solar system was forced to down-size and let one of its younger, less experienced planets go. Taking a leaf out of Northwest Airlines' book, the solar system's CEO, the Sun, gave Pluto a book to help deal with job loss. It includes several money saving tips such as how to shop at thrift stores and dumpster-diving etiquette. Pluto is having trouble finding new employment, but is still orbiting around the Sun in hopes of a second chance. Seriously though, Pluto is no longer a planet. The replacement mnemonic device is as follows: "My Very Educated Mother Just Sent Us Nothing." Naturally, this means that all college students need to go out immediately and purchase the new releases of their science textbooks. Thank you. That is all. Peace.

I think I've finally discovered what I am going to dedicate my life to. I will dedicate it to the research and study of the Buttered Cat Paradox. Let me try and explain. Everyone, of course, knows that a cat always lands on its feet. It is also known that toast always lands butter-side down. The paradox arises when one attaches buttered toast to the back of a cat, and then drops them. Theoretically, both the toast and the cat will want to land its own way, however one can't without stopping the other. This would result in what some believe as an antigravity configuration (see fig 24.1).

Fig 24.1

Some have even gone on to propose that this would result in a perpetual motion device as well. I have my doubts about this theory. For one, nothing can make a cat live forever. Not even Doom music. Though it is possible that a dead cat may still land on its feet, this is uncertain. Also, there is the possibility that whatever adhesive that attaches the toast to the cat may wear off. A more pressing matter is that, while spinning, all of the butter on the toast is flung off. With the attractive force of the toast towards the ground (Fbt) is lost, the cat will ultimately win and slam its legs on the ground. Then it would stagger off in a dizzy stupor.

There are still many more questions. Is the cat's attraction to the ground equally distributed to each foot, or does each foot have its own attractive force. Let me try to make it into an equation. Remember, F_c is the cat's combined attractiveness to the ground. Now, is it (F_c/4 = one cat's foot), or is it (F_c * 4 = total force)? Another question involves the toast.  It is known that toast's desire to land butter-side down is magnified the more expensive the carpet is. What would be the appropriate carpet worth to exactly equal the cat's attractive force? Also, would the use of jelly have any effect on the configuration? Would the jelly square the attractive force? There are just so many questions involved in this theory. Maybe one day I can have my name in a science textbook, and then charge college students blasphemous amounts of money to acquire that book. Ah, good times. Peace out.

Pink PS2?

I doubt this will be a great post, but I found a hilarious article. Okay, you remember the whole Janet Jackson thing on the super bowl some time ago. Well, a similar incident happened in Sweden, except the duration was much longer and the material was much raunchier. It was on a news show called the Rapport and one of the background monitors began showing a clip of pornographic material. Apparently, one of the workers was watching a sports show earlier, but when midnight passed, the channel began airing its "mature" content. It lasted about thirty seconds before somebody watching it finished burping the worm and turned it off. The best part is: not a single viewer complained. That's hilarious. If it had been America (United States of), there would have been such a backlash that the news program would have to be cancelled, and the news crew, quite possible, burned at the stake. Isn't that terrific?! Okay, sorry. I have to work on some actual post material. I've been kind of busy. Peace for now.
Oh right, here's a link if you want to read it: article

Last night I watched the Comedy Central roast of geek messiah William Shatner. Well, I take that back. I only watched about a half-an-hour of it. I never really enjoyed roasts. I watched a handful of roasts, and the only one I ever enjoyed was Jeff Foxworthy's. I think it was because he was surrounded by true friends, as opposed to complete strangers. As you all well know, no one knows how to insult you like your friends. Anyway, back to the roast itself. It was just boring. Some insults were clever, but in the end I hardly saw anything worth watching the whole way through. They were all essentially the same. Well, whatever. My classes start today. Peace. I hope that tomorrow I'll have a better post lined up.

I'm not sure about you all, but I know that where I live there has been a sudden rise in what is called sedation dentistry. In this form of dentistry, the patient explains the problem and is then summarily konked out. During this time of unconsciousness, the dentist removes all of the patient's teeth and replaces them with low-cost plastic replicas. When the patient comes to, he or she won't know the difference, but the pain will be gone. This method is primarily used by cowards who are afraid of dentists as shown in this chart:

sedation dentistry	cowards
general dentistry	neutrals
???	thrill seekers

As you can see, there is a gap in the graph. What kind of dentistry can be offered to adrenaline junkies? I have an idea I like to call "Extreme Dentistry" (get out the patent papers). It's like sedation dentistry, except instead of getting gassed while sitting, you get shot by a tranquilizer dart. You see, the patient will be released into a fair-sized paddock and given a two minute head start before a highly-trained, Crocodile Dundee-esque hunter begins to search for him or her. The actual dentist work begins when the patient is hit and dragged feet first out of the paddock. Doesn't that sound awesome? Especially if the patient is really good and the hunt lasted for a day or two. Maybe it can be televised. I wonder who would advertise for a show like that. Obviously toothpaste companies, but who else? Well, whatever. Peace.

I just saw one of the greatest movies of all time, Snakes on a Plane. Let me be the first to say that it has lived up to my expectations (note: my expectations weren't very high to begin with). This movie is great. Go see it. Before I talk about it, let me say something about the theater. I saw it at 11 o'clock in the morning. It was empty. There were five guys watching it, including myself (note: I said guys. There was no estrogen in theater 10). We didn't say a word, but we all cheered at certain, famous scenes in the film, and we also gave it a standing ovation when the credits appeared. Alright, now to explain why the movie is great. I will place my description in a "safety box" so as to avoid injuring virgin eyes. If you still want to look, go ahead, but I give you a firm Spoiler Alert. To look at it, just highlight the box or hit ctrl+A to see it all.

Some stuff happened... ... Then, about 400 motherfnckin' snakes got released on a motherfnckin' plane... ... ... Then, Samuel L. Jackson did some cool stuff... ... Then, a video gamer saved everybody's life.

Okay, you can open your eyes now. Go and see Snakes on a Plane. It's great.