Sorry, I don't usually post twice on the same day, but I just have to ask: What the heck is-

THIS

I mean, it's adorable and all, but this goes against almost all of the Garfield comics I've ever read. I'll bet that live action movie had something to do with. Piece of crap. Anyway, be sure to read the below post. It took me a while to write it. Peace out.

With Iran enriching uranium, and North Korea building nukes, the threat of nuclear annihilation is once again presenting itself. This means, in the very near future, we may begin the process of nuclear attack drills. The government will once again try to instill into children the thought that a wood/plastic desk can provide adequate protection from a nuclear bomb. I sincerely hope that the children of this decade, however diluted, are at least smart enough to realize that this is a very silly thing to do. Unless the building is falling straight down, you're not going to be safe. Don't even get me started on the whole vaporization thing from the extreme heat. Desks offer about as much defense from a bomb as a mosquito net in a hurricane (I apologize to any Katrina victims who actually sought shelter in mosquito nets. Your example truly helps me prove my point). Even if the whole "desk defense" thing worked, my classmates and I would be in a bit of a pickle. The desks in my classrooms consist of plastic chairs and sandal sized hunks of vandalized wood welded together in just the right way to fit nothing larger than, say, Verne Troyer (Mini-me). I might as well use an arm buckler and hope for the best. If my city (which is conveniently located next to nuclear target #1, Washington DC) were to be attacked, and I saw the big flash, I would use my last breaths to say the words I hope to be remembered by. "Oh, what a feeling! When we're dancing on the ceiling!" BLOOSH! Now remember what to do friends. What do you do when you see the flash? Say your last words. Peace out.

I read an excellent article in the Washington Post the other day. The Virginia government is holding a contest. The contestants are to be disgruntled drivers that have wasted precious hours in I-95 traffic. To qualify as the winner, the contestant must have the best (or, in this case, worst) story to tell. The prize: the chance to push the plunger to demolish a large chunk of the dreaded, infamous Woodrow Wilson bridge. But that's not what this post is about. This post is about an advert a few pages later. This particular ad involves the mouthwash Listerine and, well, I'll let you read an excerpt. I did not alter this in any way.

Emerging science suggests that there may be a link between the health of your mouth and the health of your body. Physicians and dentists don't yet know the exact connection between the health of your mouth and the health of your body, but several theories exist. One thing everyone agrees on is that a healthy mouth can only lead to good things. That's why there's Listerine.
Now, as an intellectual, this is the stupidest thing I've ever read. Sure, it's possible there's a connection, but this ad points it out in a silly way. I could make a similar statement involving a shillelagh.

Emerging science suggests that there may be a link between shillelagh use and the health of your body. Doctors and physicists don't yet know the exact connection between shillelagh use and bodily health, but several theories exist. One thing everyone agrees on is that shillelagh is a funny word. That's why there's Ireland.
See? It's all incredibly silly. They even had the audacity to make a picture of a Listerine bottle wearing a stethoscope (which takes up three-quarters of the ad space, which already took up half of the page). Whatever. At least Listerine will give the phrase "time in a bottle" a whole new meaning. Peace.

I nicked this idea from Lindsey, but instead of doing it about people I know, I'm going to do it about other motorists. I don't mind driving so much, it's just other people. Here is my... List 15 things you'd like to say to somebody, but probably never will. From the not so bad (15), to the most painful (1). Try and identify what irritants these people are guilty of.

15. Okay. Fine. Whatever. I am feeling "very" demasculated by you gargantuan truck.
14. I've never actually heard anyone drown in their own vomit, but I'm sure it sounds a lot like your dual exhausts.
13. Hang up the phone, sir/ma'm.
12. If I can hear it, I'm willing to bet you can hear it. Let me spell it out for you. That skreeeeeeeee noise means you need to check your brakes.
11. Sometimes, and I know this is hard to swallow, but sometimes when people are in the drive-through bank line, they are sometimes in a genuine hurry. Please try to go inside for your lengthy transactions.
10. I'm sure you don't care, but just for the record: some of us don't like rap/hard-rock music.
9. Good thing you hit your turn signal halfway down the turn-only lane. I'm glad you cleared that up. For a second there, I thought you were going to drive into the lamppost across the street.
8. Your blinker is far more effective if you don't turn it on then turn it back off in a quick succession.
7. Y'know, your blinker makes that little "tick tick tick" noise for a reason.
6. If you're going to park on the line, how can you not expect to have your tires slashed?
5. You do know about blind spots, right?
4. Your brights are working fine! You can turn them off now. I would like to resume use of my mirrors
3. If you stop at this yellow light, I swear to the Flying Spaghetti Monster I'll plow you through the red.
2. Look, we're on a two lane road in a no passing zone. I'm already going fifteen over. Would you be so kind as to back off?
1. Please remove yourself from the left lane before I need to administer force.

And there you have it. I hope this was a valuable lesson to anyone who reads this. I would like to point out that I did not cuss. That's gotta earn me some kudos. Peace out.

I tried to explain to my coworker the allure of Snakes on a Plane. This was sort of how the conversation went...

Me: So are you gonna see Snakes on a Plane?
Him: Nah, that movie looks stupid
Me: C'mon! It's got snakes on a plane!
Him: What's your point
Me: There are these snakes, and they're on a plane.
Him: So?
Me: Maybe I'm not explaining this right. Okay, you have this plane... and there are a bunch of snakes on it.
Him: (stares at me blankly)
Me: Okay, remember Indiana Jones? That had one snake on a tiny little seaplane. This movie is roughly four-hundred times better than that. How can you not want to see that.
Him: It looks stupid.
Me: Of course it looks stupid. That's the point. It's snakes... on a plane! You gotta see it.
Him: Whatever.
Me: Indeed.