October 8, 2006

• Rape of Lucretia

  (originally written by some Roman historian named Livy, then remastered for a more modern audience by me.)

      Our tale begins at the home of prince Sextus Tarquinius. He's having a party with all of his buddies, playing drinking games and such. A primitive form of quarters involving challises of wine and gold coins, no doubt. Anyway, the manly chatter eventually turned to the subject of wives. Being guys, everyone at the party was boasting about how awesome his wife is. Finally, a bloke named Collatinus challenged them to put their money where their mouth is. They ride out to meet the other princes' wives. Naturally, most of them were lazing about with friends, trading gossip. That all changed when they reached Collatinus' wife, Lucretia. She was busy doing actual work. Collatinus earned a huge victory in that pissing match.
      This meeting had a lasting effect on Sextus. Apparently, his turn-ons included seeing a woman spinning thread. Go figure. Anyway, he mosies over to Collatinus' house and puts the moves on Lucretia. She is unfazed. In an act of irritation, Sextus threatens to kill her if she did not ride the knob. Again, she refuses. What a gal.
      "If death will not move you," Sextus cried, "dishonor shall. I will kill you first, then cut the throat of a slave and lay his naked body by your side." (actual quote)
      Historians debate this, but it is possible that the conversation continued with Lucretia saying, "Oh Jupiter, no! He's so... ugly! He's got that crooked nose, and a huge mole on his cheek. Sometimes I just want to reach over and pick it off. And -"
      Point is, Sextus got her in the sack. The next day, she told her father and Collatinus about Sextus' late night tryst. Then, in a sudden act of loyalty, she jumped off and aqueduct and landed on a bullet. Wait, wrong time period. That should be read: she committed suicide. What came after that event is unknown (to me, at least). I think it is safe to say, however, that Sextus was in for a world of sh~t.
  
  

  • 7:32 am
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