Fig 7.31: This Moses action figure is clearly pounding out some serious rock on his air guitar.

Alright
Christian-fanatics, have I got news for you. Starting in August, Wal-Mart
stores will start carrying a line of Christian action figures, dolls, and other
toys, including such famous figures as Jesus of Nazareth, Moses, Samson, Cain,
and potentially the antichrist, pending finalization of form. A Wal-Mart
spokesman told media that there was too much emphasis on violence and
promiscuity in the toy industry. They figure that more sensible and moral toys
would be a safe bet. The only problem with this approach is that, regardless of
the toys, kids will play with them the exact same way. Boys will force their
action figures to fight, while girls will treat their dolls like children. I
know, growing up, it was not uncommon for me to pit my troll dolls against my
big Tyrannosaurus toy. Frankly, I think it would be a bit fun to see Spiderman
and Jesus get into a fist fight, or a little girl dressing up her Mary
Magdalene doll in various designer peasant robes. There's enough violence in
the Bible anyway to keep young kids amused. How about a Longinus action figure
with spear-thrusting action! How about a nice Chinese-made sling "autographed"
by David? Actually, there is a lot of potential for Christian toys, now that I
think about it. How about an inflatable Jesus pool toy with weights in his feet
so he can stand on the water? How about some high-quality, collectable PVC
models, like with anime characters? Maybe a cherub with a flaming sword could be
used as a lighter for the older crowd. I just hope Christian toy production
stops just short of making a dancing Jesus figure that plays a saxophone
rendition of Jesus Christ Superstar.

Some things that people say that really irritate me:

 Vee-HICKal – I don’t like it when people pronounce vehicle
like that. I have nothing against Southern accents (I have a very slight one
myself), but this just grates at my ears. It makes you sound like a fool. I
have met people who are probably three-thousand times smarter than I ever will
be sound like their brains are full of hayseed. If you pronounce vehicle like
that, please just use the word car. Especially if you’re from New
England and pronounce it “cah”.

 “When it’s brown, flush it down” – This line doesn’t bother
me so much as the concept. I understand that you are trying to save on your
water bill, but that is just nasty. I do not want my piss mixing with yours and
making that nasty, mixed-urine smell. That is just not cool. If you tell me not
to flush when I finish with my business, I would tell you to stick a brick in
the tank and flush it anyway. Maybe I should recommend that they dig a latrine
out back or in the parking lot just to make them mad.

 “It’s a dry heat” – This one really gets my knickers
in a twist. I live in Virginia,
where your average summer day is hot and humid. Every now and then I’ll meet a
guy who is coming from Arizona
or some other desert state and says that over there it’s a “dry heat”. I want
to say to him, “look, I don’t care if it’s dry, it’s still bloody hot.” I’ve
been to Arizona
and experienced this “dry heat” and I did not like it any better than the
“moist heat” I experience over here. I stay inside a lot.

Fig. 7.29: This is a real man's belt

Americans, you all need to get off of your fat patooties andstart losing some weight. I'm not saying that to keep you healthy oraesthetically pleasing. I'm saying it because it has become far too difficultfor a short, skinny guy like me to find a belt in my size. It seems beltcompanies, like most companies should be, are catering to the average American.The problem is that the average American has a body mass close to that of asmall moon (or is that a space station?). I'm a size 34 belt, and such a smallsize is incredibly difficult to find, even in the boys section where I canstill purchase pants that fit me. Heck, it's pretty tough even to find a beltthat is smaller than 40. I was walking through the mall the other day trying tofind a belt, and most stores did not carry any belts smaller than 38, wherethey had maybe one or two of that size. Whenever I do find a 34, it's usuallyone of those dreadful "reversible" belts that no one buys because they fallapart about a week after you start wearing them. And don’t get me started onthe Polo Ralph Lauren store, where their belts cost upwards of fifty dollars.Those guys can (remainder of post cut off due to lack of interest).

This just in America...

The United States Postal Service is having a BLOW OUT SALE!

*explosion sound effect*

Due to poor past sales, the USPS is overstocked and must sell warehouse-loads of stuff! We are slashing
prices!

*sound of swords clashing*

All first-class stamps... TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT OFF!

Out of country shipping... DIRT CHEAP!

Disgruntled employees... LESS DISGRUNTLED!

Bad credit? No credit? NO PROBLEM!

With our easy credit application process, we’ll have you out
the door with a forklift palette full of your favorite stamps in your lifetime!

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, so take advantage
before it’s gooooooone.

Disclaimer: No purchase
necessary, though stealing is illegal. Must be legal US resident 18 years or older.
Excludes citizens of Wyoming and parts of Nebraska. All your base
are belong to us. While supplies last. Subject to a credit check. Less
disgruntled employees may not actually be less disgruntled. Sale not actually taking place.

 

... I would love to hear a radio commercial like that.

Yes friends, on this most glorious of glorious days, I reach the ripe old age of twenty. Now, what does turning twenty mean in the grand scheme of life? Well, nothing special, really. Turning eighteen was a big deal because I officially became an adult and could enter into radio contests legally. At twenty, life is pretty boring. You're still too young and inexperienced to get a really good job, and you can't even drink yet (I'm very thirsty). Also, the birthday presents aren't too exciting either.

Spoils of my birth:

• New desk chair
• Some slacks
• Chipotle gift card

Rock On!

I think I picked up the wrong book last weekend...

Where I work, we have a broken paper cutter. The
fulcrum point has a huge crack in it that causes the cutting arm to bend away
from the flat edge. It was frequently used, so it has been an engrained habit
to walk over to it when we needed to cut paper. However, with it broken, we
continue to walk up to it, without thought, only to find our plan thwarted.
This happens several times. Now, we have relocated a pair of scissors to the
paper cutter area to realign our thoughts. When we come to the paper cutter, we
are no longer left in a quandary. We can now pick up the scissors and finish
the job. I would like to point out now that the Chuck Norris picture to the
side has absolutely nothing to do with the topic at hand.

I managed to find out some more information one of the
newest Harvest Moon games to come roaring (or is it meowing) to market. You
see, in this puzzle-style Harvest Moon, your goal is to grow crops. This is a
totally new puzzle game! Okay, I can see you are all brimming with excitement,
so let me get into some of the specifics.

In Puzzle de Harvest Moon, you get to choose one of several
characters from Harvest Moon: Back to Nature. You will notice that the two main
characters have been given names this time. The male farmer, whom I have
referred to previously as Jack, has been named Pete, while the female has been
named Jill. Personally, I hope that you will be able to choose the names of the
main characters, because I would rather give him the classic name of Jack.

Anyway, the core of the game takes place on a shared field.
On this field you will be required to plant, water, and harvest crops faster
than the other players. You have to be careful, though, as other players can
and will attempt to steal the crops you carefully attempt to cultivate. It
actually looks rather fun. The more crops you harvest, the more your score
increases. Animals play a part as special events. Chickens will eat opponents’
seeds, while the dog will guard your crops from enemy crop thieves.

My primary concern is how this game will keep you
gripped. After you get the hang of it, what will keep you coming back? Will
there be a story mode? Try to woo a spouse by harvesting more crops than them! How
about unlockable characters? I wouldn’t mind kicking some butt as Mayor Thomas
or the Harvest Goddess. Maybe the characters will have special character
attributes. Popuri would be able to summon chickens more readily, or perhaps
Kai can cause opponents to get drunk and make their screen all wavy. Maybe
characters can flirt with opponents of the opposite gender to make their
controls less responsive for a time. The possibilities are endless (albeit
generally silly).

"And Jimbo said, Let me go to Otakon: and he went to Otakon.

"And Jimbo saw Otakon, that it was good"

                  -- Jimbo
10:23

Yes friends, I am back from my trip to Otakon. I really
enjoyed myself. It was a fun couple of days where I got to meet lots of people
and have, generally, a really good time. In all, it was worth the
hour-and-a-half drive to and from the Baltimore Convention Center (BCC). So,
without further ado, I thought I would give you my report on all of my
adventures.

On the first day, my goal was to go into the
Dealers' Room and get my autograph from Fred Gallagher before the crowd got
unbearable large. I waited in line to get to the Dealers' Room, which opened at
noon, for over two hours. It was totally worth it. As it turns out, he was a
fairly cool and mellow guy. He managed to whip out a drawing of my favorite
character in the series in a few seconds. In short, he did in a few seconds
what I could not do even with several hours. Anyway, I asked him if he ever
planned on ending the series, and he told me that he did, but it was a long
distance away. Now, my signed copy of MegaTokyo five is sitting in my room in a
plastic cover. That’s one goal out of the way.

I suppose I should also mention how many people
were actually at attendance. To put it simply, there was a lot. The picture
above shows only a tiny portion of the BCC. Let me tell you that most of the
areas were just as packed as this one, not to mention all of the sidewalks
outside. It was pretty funny watching some of the legitimate business men's
faces when cosplayers walk by. Some laughed, while others were clearly thinking "what the hell is going on in my fair city." Speaking of cosplay...

There was a good amount of it. There were a lot
of Naruto cosplayers. When I say "a lot," I mean A WHOLE MOTHER-F~CKIN' LOT of
Naruto cosplayers. I mostly saw a lot of Itachi, Gaara, and Naruto costumes,
but almost every character was represented (even a really good-looking Anko,
which I did not manage to take a picture of, much to my chagrin). Another big
problem was the lack of Haruhi Suzumiya characters. During my whole time there,
I saw maybe three Haruhi and a single SOS-Dan (see above). I also have pictures
of Midna (from Zelda: Twilight Princess) and Saber & Rin (from Fate / stay
night), but they turned out poorly, and will not be shown. I didn’t take too
many cosplay pictures, but it was still fun to see some of my favorite
characters doing their rounds. Amazingly, however, there was more cosplay at
the midnight Harry Potter release party per capita than at Otakon. Interesting...

I spent a large amount of time (and money) in the Dealers'
room. The picture above shows the spoils of my battles with other overzealous
customers. All the things shown above cost a little over $150. Amazingly, the
Yuki Nagato figure was the most expensive of the lot, practically doubling the
total cost of the other items. It was totally worth it, though. I also picked
up and official Otakon polo shirt (for work) and an Otakon umbrella (for when
it rains). I debated whether I should have bought a replica of a samurai sword,
but decided against it. I did not need to spend a whole lot of money on
something that served no useful purpose. So I bought a Sgt. Frog throw pillow
and went on my merry way.

Things to keep in mind when going to next Otakon:

• Bring more water
• Bring more trail mix
• Bring Nintendo DS
• Leave GameCube controller at home
• Leave car parked on sidewalk. It would be cheaper to get it out of hock than pay for a parking garage.

So, I'm going to Otakon this weekend. This entails a delightful (read: boring) hour-and-a-half drive to and from Baltimore, but it'll be worth it. I'm rather excited about it, so I doubt I'll have much to work with for the next three days. I also plan to pick up the new Harry Potter book when it comes out. As soon as I leave Otakon for home, I'm going to restock some supplies and kip out in front of my local Borders. See you all on Monday, if I'm still conscious.

Otakon to do list:

• Enter Naruto: Gekitou Ninja Taisen 4 tournament (I probably won't win, since I haven't played in a long time, but it should be fun)
• Get picture with Yuki Nagato cosplayer
• Get autograph from Fred Gallagher (he does MegaTokyo)
• Get some more figures for my collection

List subject to change without notice