Do you suppose that there's a really long line to get into Hell? That has to be the worst thing ever; waiting in a really long line just to get into Hell. How long would it take to process someone to get into Hell? Is there a form you need to fill out? "Okay Mr. Roberts, we'll need your signature here, here, and a pint of bile just below this line before we can let you in." What happens if you fill it out wrong? "Mrs. White, I told you that your last name went first. I'm afraid you'll need to be eaten and regurgitated by Cerberus for about a century before I can give you a new one. Oh, and you'll have to go back to the end of the line. Away with you" Charon is such a prick.
Sure, I'll bet there are some of you reading who think they can handle standing in line for the better part of infinity. Are you really sure about that? Sure you can talk to the strangers in front of you or behind you, but after about twenty-seven years in queue, you might hust want to kill they guy (which would be silly, since you're both dead, and only result in more forms to fill out). And what if the person in front of you is a raving loon that can't even form a coherent sentence. Shoot, I would ask to go to a deeper circle of Hell just to get away from that guy. I'm sure the ninth circle must have a shorter line.

What's this I hear about a second season of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya? There's supposed to be an official announcement regarding it tomorrow. I'll keep you posted.

FnCKIN' AWESOME!

Ahem, I apologize for my outburst. What I meant to say was that the new Transformers movie is very good. I watched it last night and enjoyed every minute of it. The visuals were amazing, especially the transformation sequences. They even kept the classic "kii-kah-kuu-kuu" sound. (Hey, it's hard to make an onomatopoeia out of that.) The story was a little weak, but it's an action movie, so a deep plot would be a little silly. Anyway, you all should bear in mind that I am not a Transformers geek. They were not a part of my life. I had a couple toys growing up, but I never saw any of the TV shows or movies. I was far more into Ninja Turtles (and still am). Nevertheless, I loved this movie. Let me also say that your love of Transformers should not bar you from seeing this movie. If you're whining about it "not staying true to the past," then you should pretend it is something like an alternate universe and see it anyway. It's worth it. Were there things I didn't like? Of course, but that's true of almost every movie. In Transformers, my biggest gripe was the way that several of the characters seemed to "disappear" after they served their purpose. This is especially true of the female hacker with the British accent, who was one of my favorites in the movie. After she did her stuff on the computer, she simple stopped being seen. Also, some of the loose ends in the film were left hanging by the end of the movie. What exactly happened to the scorpion thing in the desert? Is Starscream still alive? As I said, this is definitely an action movie, and these things are mere trifles in the coolness that is Transformers. Oh, and Starscream is awesome.

So, I got to spend my Fourth of July at work. It didn't bother me at all, but some of the customers got on my nerves. They always seemed to like the question "are you open today?" There we were, sitting in our uncomfortable work clothes at our desks, and the person asks if we're open. Being an employee, I was required to be kind and courteous on the outside, but on the inside I was a raging cesspool of smarty-pants-ness. For example:

• "Nope. We're just sitting here for our health."
• "Oh, we don't work here. We're actually stealing these computers. Would you please excuse us?"
• "Yes, but not in the way you hope. Instead of registering cars, we're registering individual shoes. Can you show us the original receipt you got with them?"
• "Maybe, we're not too sure ourselves about that one."
• (the room has no other customers) "Yes, but I'm afraid we're pretty swamped right now. Can you come back at another time?"
• "Yes, but not for you. You don't look... trustworthy."
• "Yes, but only if you can answer me these questions three!"
• (just stare at him or her silently as if they have one too many nostrils)
• "Wait. You can see us!? Please! You must send help to-" (clasp throat as if suddenly losing voice)
• (just start laughing hysterically)

Let us always remember today as the day George Washington signed the Gettysburg Address and freed the country from Canada.

Okay folks, I hope you are all ready for some more hard-core
culinary action with your host... me. Last time, I taught you the ins and outs
of putting together a salad that is sure to bore the pants off of any member of
your party. I hope to build upon that success with my step-by-step guide to...
a pecan pie!

 

Step 1: Purchase ingredients

Believe it or not, this was the toughest step of the
procedure. The ingredient list is greater than anything else attempted on this
blog. Fortunately, this endeavor is made easier by the fact that they now
produce pre-made pie crusts already in the tin. The things you will need
include: the pie crust, one cup of light corn syrup, three eggs, one cup of
pecans, one cup of brown sugar, one-third a teaspoon of salt, one-third a cup
of melted butter, one teaspoon of vanilla, and a quart of motor oil. Sadly,
most grocery stores do not carry all of the required ingredients in the
required amounts. They usually come in much larger sizes. This is why I
recommend that you go to the grocery store armed with all of your measuring
utensils and purchase the goods by your specifications. If the staff tries to
stop you, just remind them that the customer is always right and carry on. They
also don’t tend to sell pre-melted butter, so you may want to take a moment to
use the microwave in the employee break room. Also, the selection for corn
syrup is generally a bit thin, so you may wish to mosey over to your local corn
farmer and plug a faucet into a corn stalk until you get the required one cup
full.

Step 2: Mix the lot

Once you have liberated all of your ingredients from the
harsh, oppressive grocery store, you will need to locate a big bowl to mix your
ingredients in. You will want to use the cheap plastic one for this, as the use
of anything fancy will result in your untimely death by your parents / spouse.
Now, with your bowl firmly on your countertop / table / hood of car, you will
add your melted butter, salt, brown sugar, vanilla, and corn syrup. Stir this
concoction until it has reached the color and consistency of back-flowing
toilet water. Now, remove the eggs from their shells and stir them in a
separate bowl until they make a tar-like yellow substance. You will add this
egg goop into your previous goop then stir. The stuff should still look like
backed-up toilet water, but that’s okay. It’s supposed to.

Step 3: Prepare for baking

Now you need to pour this liquid amalgamation into your pie crust.
Hopefully, before doing so, you have removed the plastic wrapping from the pie
crust. If you did not, then you fail and should go back and attempt Cooking
with Jimbo 2 until you are up to snuff. Moving on, with the mixture in your
crust, you sprinkle on the pecans. Some will float and some will sink, which is
sort of a metaphor to life. The stupid ones rise to the top where they will be
directly burned by the oven’s heat, while the smart ones sit closer to the
bottom so the idiots can take all of the heat. Anyway, make sure you sprinkle
the pecans evenly, lest you want a lopsided pie.

Step 4: Bake

Back in step 2, you should have gone ahead and preheated
your oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit (or 175 Celsius for you metric nuts, or 448
Kelvin for the remainder of the population). Put your pie into the oven and set
your timer for fifty minutes. Now that you have some time on your hands, you
might as well enjoy a good movie, like The
Naked Gun 33 1/3.

Step 5: Watch The
Naked Gun 33 1/3

Oh My God, What The F~ck, Rolling On Floor Laughing,
Barbeque.

Step 6: Take out pie

Once your timer beeps, you will need to pause the
hilarity and retrieve your pie from its Hell. Might I recommend oven mitts? Now
let it cool for the remainder of your movie. By the conclusion of the fine
piece of cinema, it should be cool enough to eat. Enjoy!

Mmm... I recently had the pleasure of eating a huge steak Stromboli. It was almost the size of a truck tire, but that's not the point. When I picked it up and smelled it, I made the comment that it "smells like Heaven" (I'm big on Italian food). That comment got me thinking, though. Would Heaven smelling like a fresh Stromboli really be such a good thing? I suppose it would get old after a few centuries. This raises so many questions about Heaven that I, frankly, do not want to think about it any more. I'll just look forward to the stripper factory and beer volcano that is waiting for me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a hankering for a calzone.

• I sincerely hope the person that invented the
  “safety seal” on DVD and CD cases is burning in Hell.
• I wonder what thoughts went through the heads of
  those guys in Hiroshima
  when we nuked them.
• Hey, I can’t help it if my zodiac sign looks like
  a sperm.
• I don’t understand how four gas stations on the
  same intersection can make any money.
• I hope people will start listening to those
  health officials about parking at the far end of the lot. Maybe then I would
  finally get the front-most parking spot.
• Could getting a divorce be termed “seceding from
  the union”?
• Do molecular physicists ever play a game called
  “catching an ammonia”?
• Whenever you see a roach on the floor, minding
  its own business, do you ever just spray a vast quantity of Raid directly onto
  it? I know I do.
• What’s the deal with those soap dispensers that
  make the soap come out all foamy?
• Whatever happened to the Trapper Keeper?
• I wonder if coroners build up a tolerance to
  fart smell.
• I think the sole reason news companies air
  information on celebrity lives is so people can ask “who cares?”
• It should be against the law to drive under the
  speed limit in the left lane.
• Don’t you hate it when you’re really thirsty but
  you have a full bladder?
• Fan (n) = manual air turbulence manipulation device
• No matter what, January first will be named the
  hottest day so far this year at least once a year.
• “Is it true your husband is a violent
  schizophrenic?” “Beats me.” (I love that pun)
• Do you gain all of the calories in a piece of
  gum just by chewing it, or do you have to swallow it?
• If you’re feeling really gassy, could you stab
  yourself in the gut and relieve the pressure?
• I wonder if sports stars keep bobble heads of
  themselves in their cars.
• Ever have one of those days where it feels like
  your lunch is having a heated discussion with your digestive track, resulting
  in the use of nuclear weapons?
• I wonder if mosquitoes get cancer from spawning
  in radioactive water. You never hear about a mosquito getting cancer, do you?
• Have you ever screamed “get out of my head” at a
  pimple?
• Fred Astaire is bringing sexy back...