Welcome friends to
another exciting installment of Cooking with Jimbo, wherein your host wows you
with culinary exploits that would make a professional French chef piss his
pants with laughter. Today's culinary endeavor will cover the ins and outs of a
positively palatable macaroni salad.
Step 1: Purchase the ingredients
As is a recurring theme in the cooking odyssey, buying the
ingredients is one of the first and most important steps. For this recipe you
will need four cups of rotini pasta, three cups of fresh veggies, one cup of
Italian salad dressing, 2 tablespoons of salad seasoning, and a teaspoon of
salt. Now, I know the "fresh veggies" may be a bit vague, so let me
give you some advice. Buy one (1, un, ein, ichi) red bell pepper, a bunch of
celery, a bag of peeled baby carrots, and several cloves of garlic. The last
one is to keep vampires at bay while you're attempting to cook. You may wish to
also consider buying a box of Frosted Cheerios. I'm all out.
Step 2: Boil water
I understand that this step may be difficult for some of
you, but you should have faith in yourself. You will want to find a large pot
that will fit four cups of pasta and fill it with water. Clean water would be
preferred over gutter water. With the pot full of water, put it on your stove,
activate the stove's heating mechanism, then sit and watch the water patiently
until it begins to boil. Once it reaches that roaring boil, the time has come
to add the pasta. Add all four cups of uncooked pasta into the water and wait
until it resumes boiling. Now look at a clock. It should say that it is 10:35.
If it does not, then you did it wrong and should start over. Once you get the
timing right, you will want to let the pasta cook until 10:50 or for fifteen
minutes, whichever comes first. While waiting for the time to pass, you can
move on to step three. Just be sure to stir your watery concoction
periodically.
Step 3: Cut up the vegetables
For this step you will want a few tools to aid you.
Specifically, you will need a sharp knife or short sword, a cutting board, and
a separate plate. You will want to begin cutting the carrots and celery into
small medallions roughly the thickness of your average Sacagawea dollar coin.
The pepper is a little more difficult, as you can't just cut it easily apart.
You will need to start by cutting off a little bit of the bottom and throwing
it away, followed by cutting it "hot dog style" until you reach that
icky seed mess near the top. While that seed mess is probably edible, I
wouldn't recommend trying it. Just cut the rest of the pepper around it off,
and then throw it away. It may seem wasteful, but it may just save your life.
Just keep on cutting more and more until you have roughly three cups of the
cuttings.
Step 4: Unboil the water
By "unboil water," I naturally mean drain the
water. Get yourself a strainer and pour everything through it, preferably into
a sink. It's okay if you live alone, but I'm sure other members of the
household would not appreciate making a mess on the floor. While it cools, it
is time to find a big bowl to mix everything in.
Step 5: Mix everything
The final step is nearly upon us, but first we must put
everything we have done into one large, commanding bowl. A wrought silver bowl
studded with precious gems would be ideal, but a Tupperware bowl will do in a
pinch. Put everything into it, cover it, and then shake until the spread of
ingredients is uniform.
Step 6: Allow to cool
The salad is best served cold, so you should put it in
the refrigerator for about an hour or so. While you wait, might I recommend
that you write a demanding letter to Paramount
ordering them to make The Naked Gun 444.25.
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