Definitely did not picture Bella this hot. (Source: Twilight: the Movie)

There has been a lot of hype going around lately for Stephenie
Meyer's series of vampire love stories. As an American, I felt that it was my
civic duty to buy into the hype. I went to pick up the first book in the
series, Twilight, on Sunday. It was an okay read, but it just felt incredibly
odd. First off, I'm a twenty-year-old male, so reading a first-person book
where the main character is a seventeen-year-old girl makes me feel a little dirty. This is especially true about when she was comparatively measuring all
the boys in her class. I couldn't help raise an eyebrow. Do women really critique guys like that (I ponder while I unconsciously readjust my crotch)? It was like reading
one of those five-dollar romance novels they sell in the grocery store, only
without the vivid descriptions of wild sex (that would make a great review on a
book jacket. Call me.). Also, the primary male lead / romantic interest / wussy
vampire seemed to be described as perfect in every page. I thought it was okay
in the first few chapters, since they were still introducing the characters,
but to be reminded of his "perfection" in the epilogue seemed a bit
much. I would probably be swooning, though, if I wasn't straight. In the books
defense, it did keep me gripped, but only because I wanted to see where it was
going (spoiler: nowhere). It read a lot like a school-life anime. I could
practically read the sweat drops and face-encompassing blushes. Would I
recommend the book? Probably not. I plan to pick up the second book in the
series, but only because I liked the way the preview at the end of the book
concluded. "Dazed and disoriented, I looked up from the bright red blood
pulsing out of my arm--into the fevered eyes of the six suddenly ravenous
vampires." Awesome.

I think it is time for me to add another name to my List of People Who Are Awesome (which currently contains the likes of George Carlin, Friedrich Nietzsche, and Wally from Dilbert). Today, I want to add Spc. Jeremy Hall. You see, he is an atheist soldier in the Iraq war who is filing a lawsuit because of the discrimination he faced while on the battlefield. Several of the other soldiers he fought beside little themselves by calling him a devil-worshipper and gay. At one point, after avoiding enemy gunfire behind a bullet shield, he was asked if he believed in God, to which he responded with, "no, but I believe in Plexiglas." I wish I could be that witty. It is clear that even without religion, he is an upright and moral individual. He even voiced my basic mantra regarding religion: "Religion brings comfort to a lot of people," he said. "Personally, I don't want it or need it. But I'm not going to get down on anybody else for it." Because of all of this, he decided to do his American duty and sue the bastards. I may not be a soldier, but I salute you. You may be feeling a tad "bitter" about this matter and "clinging to your gun," but at least you gave the Bible the boot (cheap shot!).

People who touch my computer monitor
Nothing is worse than a big, oily fingerprint in the middle of a monitor screen. The worst part is that people are completely oblivious to this. They cannot seem to grasp the concept that pointing at an area on a screen is just as effective as prodding it. I think the only reason they do that is for the “goopy” effect on some flat-panels. They must not realize that those fingerprints are a pain in the neck to get off. Also, if they prod it with a fingernail, it can damage the screen itself and leave permanent marks.

Able-bodied people who use an elevator in a two-story building
I am a very lazy person, but refuse to stoop to this level of laziness. People will actually press the button and stand there waiting for an elevator to come. I could understand if the stairs were on the opposite end of the hall, but they are generally located right next to the elevator in most of these dinky buildings. What we need are industrial-sized springs that shoot people up vertically, like in cartoons. I don’t mean to lift them to the next floor; I mean to splatter them all over the ceiling.

Vacuuming
This is my least favorite chore. I would happily do anything else if it would get me out of vacuuming. I don’t know where this distaste stems from, so I’m assuming there was some tragic vacuum accident that got hidden away in my subconscious.

People who don’t understand the message conveyed in tailgating
“Get the F%@# outta the way!”

Well, it seems that every one of my classes decided to assign a huge essay in these last few weeks of school. I'm not even close to finishing yet, so I fear posts will continue to be sparse. Today, however, I hope to help some of you who may be in a similar situation. If you have a page count requirement, these tips come in especially handy.

Numbers are helpful in any essay. Of course, they provide useful data to help prove whatever it is you are writing about ("ice cream is delicious, as this scatter plot proves"). As an added bonus, they offer a wealth of embellishments that can add a precious few extra characters to meet page requirements. One of the easiest things to do is to actually write outnumbers. 12 becomes twelve, and 23 becomes twenty-three. As a rule-of-thumb, only spell it out if it takes three or less syllables to say. Also, most numbers that measure distance are automatically approximations. A phrase like"15 miles" can be stretched to a gargantuan "approximately fifteen miles, as the crow flies." It is important to keep an eye on numbers used for time. "150 years ago" can easily and cleanly be turned into "a century and a half ago." Another helpful thing to do is replace any "a.d." after a year with "in the year of our Lord."

One of the easiest things you can do, if you're not majoring in IT, is to spell out any acronyms you come across. Some dinky acronym like NAFTA can be spelled out into a line-hogging North American Free-Trade Agreement. If it will help push a paragraph onto a new line, you might consideradding the acronym in parentheses near the end, but never use it again.

It is also important to avoid the trap of non-content fillers. What I mean by this is edits to the formatting that increase the page count. Most professors are wise and request soft copies of a report. I knowprofessors who get a report and the first thing they do is hit control+A, change the font to Times New Roman, change the font size to 12, and finally change the margins to an inch all around. If you absolutely have to alter the formatting to reach that critical page requirement, save the file as a pdf so that it can't easily be changed by the professor (okay, I really mean his teaching assistant).

The home-work environment

Keeping busy. I hope to have time to write eventually. YouTube video for the loss...

This morning, I had the privilege, nay, honor to eat a perfect piece of toast. Everything about it was just
perfect. The burning was uniform across the entire slice. It was toasted to
that slight tan shade that I love so much. The crust was flaky enough that it
fell apart in your mouth, but not your hand. The butter spread was even and
just enough so that it did not completely subdue the toast's flavor. Sometimes
I amaze myself. The only problem now is that the day can only go downhill from
here. My car is probably going to blow up or something.

"You'll be fine."

It's amazing how little people adhere to proper traffic
protocol. Let me set the scenario: in the right lane, you have a large flatbed
truck carrying several pallets of sod. It's going about five under the speed
limit, but I can't complain since it's in the right lane (read: slow lane). I
can, however, complain about the contractor van going the same speed in the
left lane (read: "get out of my way" lane) next door to the sod
truck. I knew it was a contractor van because no other human being would buy
one of those hideous white vans and attach a ladder rack to the top. So, these
two vehicles plodded along side-by-side for several miles, seemingly oblivious
to the cavalcade of cars (myself included) forming behind them. To think that I
considered a mere ten over the speed limit too slow (I had to slow it down for
a little while after my speeding ticket). Slowly... seconds fade into
minutes... minutes feel like lifetimes. Finally (FINALLY!), the sod truck turns
right. Once this path was opened, it was like opening a dam flood gate. The
long line of cars spurts forth through that one lane and just shot past the
van. Cars stuck behind the van (myself included) made suicidal dashes into the
right lane just to get in front of the guy. It was beautiful. I don't know what
happened to that van after I put all those miles between us, but I can only
hope the police pulled him over for reckless driving.

It is difficult to be a computer geek and not subscribe to any web comics. I'm sure all of you have at least a few you keep tabs on. I don't have anything to write about today, so I give you this. Here, in not particular order, are the comics I frequently read and recommend to you all:

^ (Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal) ^

It's the little things that remind you how wonderful life is...

BAM!
In your face!
Take that, losers!
I am the greatest!
I am your GOD!
Oh yeah!
*pelvic thrust*
*pelvic thrust*
*fist pump*
*head butt filing cabinet*
*ignore coworkers looking in awe*

• Rock: Possibly the most popular
  genre of music. Frequently involves a vocalist, drummer, and a number of
  guitarists. Covers a huge range of topics and typically has some sort of
  meaning attached that only the band members understand. Drug use frequent.
• Classic rock: Rock music that was
  released over a quarter century ago. Frequently features pianos, unkempt
  hair, and singers who extend words longer than they should. Generally
  anti-war. Drug use occasionally necessary for comprehension. Bands
  continue to make music long after everyone stopped caring.
• Soft rock: Similar to most rock
  music, but far more effeminate. A handy music choice for trying to get
  your girlfriend to move back in with you. Though popular, it is not
  recommended that you hold heavy boom boxes over your head while playing.
• Glam rock: Very loud music that
  sounds similar to nails on a chalkboard. Band members generally have
  perfectly permed hair and wear more make-up than Japanese geisha. Seldom
  stay together longer than a year.
• Metal: Loud and fast music that's
  meant more to irritate parents than be harmonic. Singing style often guttural
  and sounds like vocalist swallowed his tongue. Frequently incoherent.
• Rap: Music designed to benefit the
  subwoofer industry. Frequently denounces/glorifies the problems plaguing
  lower social classes. Features predictable lyrics with dreadful rhymes.
  Drug use occasionally necessary for comprehension.
• R&B: Love songs set to
  constantly looping beats. Sometimes compared to rap music, but still a
  distinct genre. Seems to have unhealthy obsession with female anatomy.
• Smooth Jazz: F~cking boring.
• Electronica: Repetitious music
  that features sounds that most musical instruments do not naturally
  produce. Seems more at home in an 8-bit video game. Covers a range of
  topics from human-on-alien love to robotic uprisings.
• Dance: Features repeating beats
  that are meant to encourage bodily contortions and undulations, but
  generally result in nothing more than foot tapping. Bands seldom
  remembered, but listeners often heard saying "hey, I know this song. Da
  da da~."
• Classical music: Listened to by
  the "upper crust" of society as a way of saying that they are
  the "upper crust" of society. Most songs actually the exact same
  as all other songs, but played by different orchestras to sound different.
  Most appropriate music to play "air violin" with.
• Reggae: Music coming from several
  small island nations in the Caribbean. Singers often seen wearing funny
  hats. Very pacifist. Drug use occasionally necessary for comprehension.