Today is Tax Deadline Day (not an appropriate holiday for party poppers). I don’t really have to worry about such things, since I finished filing back in March. I even got my tax return back already. I won’t tell you how much exactly, but I will say that it was about 1,872 times more than my state tax return. I plan to use this money to bolster the economy with some big ticket purchases, like a tank of gas or gallon of milk. Here’s a little stock tip for all of you interested: start investing in wheelbarrows. They will be more popular than wallets a little later in the year. It’s okay if you all haven’t filed your taxes yet. I’m sure the IRS will be most merciful in their judgments. Instead of the cat-o’-nine-tails, they’ll use the much more humane cat-o’-eight-tails. That is, of course, assuming that the tax agent has not had a bad day. If his wife just left him the day before, a colonoscopic audit is about the least you can expect. So hurry up and file, even if you aren’t claiming any taxable income. I just want to see how they would react to something like that: a form full of zeroes.
Month: April 2008
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Happy Tax Deadline Day!
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If news was really interesting
Anchor: Tragedy strikes in the nation's capital today as
hundreds are dead at this year's Japanese anime festival, Anime-con. Details
continue to pour in, and the government has already ruled out any terrorist
activity. Health experts here at JNN are reporting that all of the dead have
died from a sudden rush of awe.Doctor: It's incredibly rare to see this cause of death.
Honestly, the only other time I have seen something like this was at an
evangelical healing sermon. Science does not yet have an explanation for this
phenomenon.
Anchor: Most of the dead are young males and a small handful
of women. Security cameras at the convention managed to catch the entire event.
To help explain what may have happened, we have JNN's local
"animaniac" Howard.
Howard: Please don't call us animaniacs. Yakko, Wakko, and
Dot are Animaniacs; we prefer otaku.
Anchor: Yes, of course. So tell us what you think happened.
Howard: It's very simple really. It would appear that all of
these otaku died from an extreme overdose of moé.
Anchor: Moé?
Howard: Exactly. After watching the video, it is all quite
clear. If you watch the video, you will notice a female cosplayer in the
center. The sudden breeze and flurry of cherry blossoms flew around her and she
embarrassingly looked over her shoulder. This scene is very common in anime and
everything about it seemed too perfect. The cosplayer's seifuku, zettai
ryouiki, pantsu, the cherry blossoms, and the way she looked over her shoulder
caused an explosive concussion of moé amongst the otaku. If she had said
"daisuki," I fear the resulting moé would have fissured the Earth.
Anchor: So if there was all this moē -
Howard: Moé.
Anchor: Er, yes, moé... Why didn't you react to the video?
Howard: Well, I'm rather used to seeing extreme moé on a TV
screen. It was when this moé appeared in RL, er, real life, that their senses
were overwhelmed. You will notice in the video that the deaths occurred in a
ripple pattern outward from the epicenter of the girl.
Anchor: Yes, thank you for your time. Any closing remarks?
Howard: It's truly a disturbance in otakudom. As if hundreds
of voices cried out in ecstasy and were suddenly silenced.
Anchor: We will present more details on the Anime-con deaths
as details warrant. In other news, it seems that the number one group for
cellphone texting has been taken from teenagers and is now held by their
parents. Research shows that parents are texting more, to which teens responded
with OMGWTFBBQ? -
Count on it
I'm tired of hearing all these things like
"rock the vote" this, and "it's your civic duty" that. What
we should really be doing is convincing more people not to vote. That way when
I vote, my vote will count for a lot more than the meager fraction it is now.
My theory is that anyone dumb enough to be persuaded not to vote shouldn't
pollute the vote anyway. A possible slogan would, of course, be "rock the
boat and don't vote!" Maybe it can be something less subtle: "your
vote is worth next to nothing!" This may also be an effective negative ad
campaign for one of the parties. If the Democratic Party starts airing ads
telling America that the voting for Republican Party members is the day after Election
Day, enough schmucks would probably believe it to swing the election. Maybe a
bunch of retailers can get together and have huge sales that day. Black
Tuesday, or something. I think the best idea would be to take an aptitude test
before being allowed to vote. Some questions I would like to see:- How
many alcoholic drinks did you ingest prior to arrival at this polling
station? - Are
you just here for the sticker? - Can
you remember the names of most of your family members? - Did
you seriously drive ten miles to get here? - Have
you ever taken orally any product from Denny's? - You're
not voting for a third-party, are you? - Are you looking for a good time? (Call Maxxxi at
555-1023)
Disclaimer: Please don't take me seriously. Go out and vote
on Election Day. - How
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Spring 2008 Anime Season
Alas, the last anime season left me disappointed with most of the endings. The only exception was Clannad, which I expected to be great given who was making it. The worst was the rushed, "make up your own dang mind" ending to Shana II. The crappy ending award also goes to Rosario+Vampire (there's to be a second season, so I suppose I can forgive it), Spice and Wolf (great series, but arbitrarily placed ending), True Tears (Hiromi for the fail), and Kimi-kiss (Mao for the fail). There are a couple of series I am watching this season, but not many of them look that great. Here is my list of anime I plan to follow in order of importance:
Code Geass - Hangyaku no Lelouch R2
Genre: action
Bu... Bunny suit Kallen. Instant death, no saving throw.I have been looking forward to the new season of Code Geass since last year, and it has finally arrived. The first episode did not explain anything, but it did give a quick glimpse into what happened to all of the characters at the end of the first season. Also, it featured Kallen kicking [butt] in a bunny suit, which is certainly a praise-worthy event. It's good to see that Lelouch's arbitrary arm flailing has made a triumphant comeback. He could probably put an eye out with that.
Chi's Sweet Home
Genre: comedy, slice of [cat] life
The eyes that stare into your soul.And the newest nominee for greatest anime ever?... ... These envelopes are so hard to open... Chi's Sweet Home! With each episode clocking in at about three minutes (including the theme song and credits), the producers were forced to cram in as much cuteness as is physically possible. Somehow they pull this off in spades and have made one of the most adorable anime in existence. It's also strangely fun to watch.
Itazura na Kiss
Genre: romantic comedy
The tall guy to the far left is the best so far because he keeps his mouth shutIt's a little too early to tell with this series, but it looks very promising. Here's the basic recipe for this one: take a recently rejected girl, mix with guy who rejected her, add a cast of relatively eccentric family members, and voila! As a side note, the art style in this series seems to be taken straight from the pages of the 90s.
Kure-nai
Genre: I won't even begin to guess
The guy on the right is not named Humbert HumbertThis series seems a bit out there, and it's to early to make any claims on it. Basically, it's about this high school guy who's charged with looking after the kidnapped daughter of some affluent ne'er-do-well. Anything outside of that would be guesswork by me. I'm sure it'll pan out in the future, and it certainly looks promising. I just hope it doesn't break down into a Loli-fest.
Kanokon
Genre: ecchi (why lie?)
I can assure you that there were question marks on this side of the screen as well.This series seemed so promising when I first read the synopsis. You take a wolf goddess, put her into a high school setting, and see where it goes from there. Instead, it turns into poor Mamoru-kun-clone wherein you have a magically imbued school girl who falls for a short guy in the first episode. I wasn't too big a fan of the aforementioned series, but I did watch it to see how it would turn out. I'm even less interested in this series, but... well, you did see the genre type, right?
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Society for the Advancement of Nothing
Some of my classmates and I came up with a great idea for sparking curiosity. Well, really it was two ideas, but one sort of spawned the other. Allow me to set the scenario. We are sitting in class and the professor, in a fit of misplaced enthusiasm, decided to fit us into groups to brainstorm ideas on how to field research student curiosity. Our first idea was to set up a bright yellow tent in some student common area. While not particularly interesting, we planned to increase interest by inserting flashing colored lights and a radio that plays random noises. I'm sure even the most uninterested student would want to investigate a tent about the size of a small car that is emitting noises of chainsaws and pachyderms. We would film all of the students from hidden cameras and gauge their curiosity.
The more rational idea came slightly later that I actually want to try at some point. You see, on our campus we have a main building where students meet, eat, listen to their iPods, talk irrationally loud, and stare at their books attempting comprehension. It is known as the JC, though I don't think anybody knows what it stands for any more. Within the JC is a row of little kiosks where organizations like the University Republicans (I think there are maybe three members), various Greek frats and sororities (their motto: BEER!), and NAMBLA (look it up) can set up displays to vie for student interest. A way to cook up curiosity would be to rent out one of these kiosks but represent nothing. We would have giveaways, of course, but they would be things like blank brochures and pins with nothing on them. This way we can record how many people are actually curious about us. We can also actually answer them honestly when they ask us what we are doing ("nothin'"). -
Post of Biblical Proportions (Part I)
Genesis
In the beginning there was nothing: not even time.
No planets, no stars, no hip-hop, no rhyme
But then there was a bang like the sound of my gat.
The universe began and the sh~t was phat.
Yes, I finally got around to finishing the first book in the
Bible. At the rate I'm going, I will probably fail My new year's resolution. I
have to admit that it is a very dull read. Sure there are some parts that are
entertaining, but most of it isn't that great. It did feel good, however, to
utter one day "where the hell is my god damn bible?"
Commentary:
- I think Cain got the short end of the deal. I mean, I
realize he was only one of three people on Earth at the time, but could the
trial have waited until he had a satisfactory jury? He lived to be almost a
bazillion years old anyway, so it's not like he had a shortage of time. That
God. So rash. (4:9-12) - I was rather depressed with the my reading of Noah's
tale. I was expecting it to read somewhat like the following:
"God said to Noah, go build an
arky-arky-arky."Bring in the animals in
onesies, and twosies-twosies"Elephants! And
kangaroosies-roosies."To be fair, I'm only reading the
New International Version. Maybe that's how it's written in the King James
version. For that matter, who names their child Ham? Maybe Noah had a hankering
for the forbidden pork. - I liked the way Ham went to show his brothers what a
drunken mess their father was in. Sounds like My kind of guy. I'm surprised he
didn't mash up some ink and doodle all over Noah's face beforehand. Shem and
Japheth are such wet blankets. It would've taught Noah a good lesson. (9:21-23) - We need more sacrifices to God. I'm tired of all this
"only at the temple" nonsense. Maybe we can make it more
entertaining, like the Spanish bullfighting. Let's see how PETA would react to
that. Oh, and no euthanasia. God wanted the animals split in half! Whether He
meant lengthwise or through the belly is unknown by Me, but perhaps He'll give
us some sign. (15:9-11) - I would love to have a wife that would not only allow Me to sleep with the maid, but even endorse it. I wonder if the thought of a
threesome drifted through Abram's head? (16:1-2) - All I can say is WTF? (19:4-8)
- Further eyebrow knitting in the Lot saga (19:31-32)
- I bet you think I have something clever to say about
the attempted sacrifice of Isaac. Sorry, I've got nothing. I'll bet even
Abraham thought God was a prick for a second or two, though. (22:2) - There is something to say about a younger brother
skillfully taking the birthright from the older. That something is
"awesome." Some people claim that Jacob was a manipulator but I see
nothing wrong with the deal. They both got what they wanted in the end, and the
end justifies the means. (23:29-34) - I wonder if the God-Jacob fight would've been worth a
pay-per-view? Probably not. (32:24-29) - I was cracking up at this one line (40:23). It's so
ironic and terse. Most of My coworkers know I'm reading the Bible, so My laughs
earned some skeptical glances. While the cupbearer did remember about Joseph
later (41:9), the placement of this line could not have been better.
- I think Cain got the short end of the deal. I mean, I
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Wedding Tackle
NEW! From Honest Jim's pharmaceuticals, it's INSTANT
ERECTION POWDER!
While other companies may peddle their products with claims
of instant arousal, it is obvious they are lying while you sit there for
several minutes waiting to stand at attention. With Honest Jim's Instant
Erection Powder, there is no waiting. Just pour the powder into your favorite
drink and BAM! Instant waist-high coat hanger. It's a busy, fast-paced world,
so many people simply cannot wait. Your partner will be so impressed that she
will be sighing and rolling her eyes in awe. It also makes a great ice breaker
at parties. Just sit your buddy down in front of the TV set to the Animal
Planet, and then pour some in his drink. Your friend will be astonished at his
sudden alertness from watching a lion eat a gazelle that he will not be able to
sleep at night (with his wife). Remember, if it doesn't permanently damage the
other party, it is not a good practical joke. Honest Jim's Instant Erection
Powder. For men who need to get up in a hurry.WARNING: Possible side effects include: dry-mouth, watery
eyes, difficulty hearing, dyslexia, low blood pressure, difficulty in cognitive
reasoning, voracious appetite, incontinence, sudden appreciation of Depeche
Mode, constipation, finger twitch, and death.
WARNING: If erection lasts longer than twenty-four hours,
consider it a perk.
WARNING: Using Honest Jim's Instant Erection Powder causes
lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema, and may complicate pregnancy.
WARNING: Do not inhale. -
Avoid the lamppost when pulling over
Yay, I got a speeding ticket yesterday. It was a good time,
to be sure. Here is a quick run-down of what happened when the cop pulled me
over. As an added bonus, I'll add in what I actually
said to him in parentheses.Cop: How's it going?
Me: Great, until you pulled me over. (Fine)
Cop: Let me see your license and registration.
Me: For what? You saw how fast I was going. Do you honestly
think I don't have a license? (Yes, sir.)Cop: Do you know what the speed limit is on [street name]?
Me: I dunno. I usually don't pay attention to such things.
(Um... It's thirty-five.)Cop: That's right, and it looks like you were going about
fifty-one. That's sixteen over the speed limit.Me: Wow, you can do basic arithmetic. I'm impressed.
(*silence*)Cop: Do you have any reason for going so fast.
Me: Yeah, I wanted to dump this dead prostitute before she
starts stinking up the trunk. It seems all the cocaine we were snorting backed
her up and now it's all coming out. (No, sir.)Cop: Alright, I'll be right back.
Me: That's right, you better walk away! (*silence*)
*Waiting... for about ten ruddy minutes...*
Cop: Here are your things back. Now, I'm going to write you
a ticket -Me: Motherf~cker! (*silently nod*)
Cop: and your court date is set for May 14th. You
can call this number here for the fine, and you have the option to waive the
trial.Me: Right, like that trial wouldn't be biased against me. How
will that go? 'You are accused of driving sixteen over the speed limit.' 'Nuh-uh!'
(Yes, sir.)Cop: Okay, you're good to go.
Me: F~ck you! (Thank you.)
Needless to say, I'm going to be driving the speed
limit for the next couple of days. You never realize just how slow the speed
limit is until you force yourself to abide by it. It looks like I had best
leave earlier for class and work. Oh, and my insurance rates are about to go
up. F~CK! -
Hardly Working
Still working through a bout of writer's block. I also have a plethora of papers to write. Sorry for any inconvenience. As per tradition, here is a YouTube video:



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