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| Deceased |
Welcome viewers to the Jimbo News Network. The
nation is in shock today as the suicide of the famous fairy Tinkerbell is
announced. As was recently revealed, Tinkerbell ran a nationwide child
"escort service" that frequently involved lewd sexual acts, which one
JNN reporter describes as "sub-par." Known to many of her customers
as the Neverland Madam, her employees penetrated deeply into a swath of
commercial and government offices. Her late father, whom we will refer to as
"Walt", said posthumously that he was "very [ashamed]."
Tinkerbell was found in her 3-foot mansion this morning, and she reportedly
committed suicide by mixing certain chemicals which we shall refer to simply as
"monia-ay" and "leach-bay". Her suicide note expresses her
appreciation and apologies to her employees and explicitly leaves nothing to
Peter Pan, who she describes as an "unloving scum-bag".
In
international
news, scientists in Germany have discovered a means to send smells
through your cell phone. While it is still being perfected, it consists of a
small chip that can synthesize certain smells, and it will only be a matter of
time before it hits the market. Current scents to be expected include vanilla, roses,
and sunny beaches, but it is surely only a matter of time before more low-brow
scents like airline seat, diesel exhaust, and dried vomit make an appearance.
Meanwhile,
a cure for AIDS remains elusive.
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