I went to see the new Pixar movie WALL-E just the other day. I don't want to mince any words here, so I'm going to lay it all down quickly. WALL-E (hitherto referred to as Wall-E because it's easier to type), is one of the greatest movies I have ever seen. That's it. You can turn out the lights now. We're done here. See you all tomorrow. Don't worry; there will be some great poop jokes.

... You're not leaving without a proper review, are you? Well, okay, but only because you asked for it. Like I said, this was a fantastic movie, and I plan to watch it again when it comes out on video (DVD). The reasons why I like it are vast. First and foremost is the almost complete lack of dialogue. Seriously, the script must've been about a page long. The two protagonists have maybe three words apiece, and the remaining dialogue is provided in short, sentence-long soundbites from the secondary human characters. Probably the first half-hour contained no dialogue, save for little beeps and boops from the movie's titular character. This lack of dialogue saves it from a common movie pitfall: terrible voice-acting. The story is also a simple romance. I'm a sucker for that stuff (just look at my manga collection). After being alone on Earth for nearly half of a century, Wall-E was instantly smitten by the smooth shelled tsundere EVE. After some innocent flirting from the trash compactor (can anyone you know replace his eye!?), a sequence of events leads Wall-E and EVE to liberate incarcerated robots, fall in love, save humanity, cure cancer, and tour with Van Halen. The animation was amazingly detailed and is, in my opinion, Pixar's best work to date. This movie earns every once of the 9.998 out of ten that I'm giving it. The only thing keeping it from a perfect ten is that EVE actually had the audacity to knock Weebo from Flubber (remember Flubber?) down from the top of my List of Most Adorable Hovering Robots. The only damage that can be done to this movie is the production of a sequel. Don't be like the Wachowski brothers, Pixar. Leave it be.

Alright readers, today I have a very special dish for you. Today we are going to eat MOORS AND CHRISTIANS! The dish is truly named just that, except in Spanish. The "proper" name is Moros y Cristianos. For me, however, the true excitement of this dish comes from shouting out the fact that I am truly and honestly eating MOORS AND CHRISTIANS! Moors and Christians, I might add, taste delicious. As with my other cooking specials, I shall list all of the steps needed for cooking MOORS AND CHRISTIANS! (Besides, y'know, burning at the stake.)

Step 1 - Purchase the ingredients
To get the ingredients for this dish you can try shopping at a church or mosque, but I would recommend your local supermarket. You will need to purchase, in this exact order: a red bell pepper, a yellow onion, a bag of rice, a can of black beans, and a tomato. It is also necessary to have some spices in your spice rack. Particularly, the spices you need to have are: crushed red pepper, thyme, cumia, chopped garlic, bay leaves, melange, and crack cocaine (not available in all supermarkets). Could you do me a favor and pick up some bread for me? I forgot to grab a loaf when I was at the store. Thanks.

Step 2 - Prepare the ingredients
Okay, we are almost ready to cook our MOORS AND CHRISTIANS! First, however, we need to do some preparations. Begin by chopping up the bell pepper, tomato, and half of the onion into small cubes (use a ruler to ensure they are exact cubes). Be sure to place them on some plate afterwards so your cutting surface (I used my carpet) does not get cluttered.

Step 3 - Cook up the Moors and Christians
Next, (and this part isn't really funny), add a tablespoon of some sort of cooking oil into a large pot, followed by the cubed pepper, cubed onion, one tablespoon of thyme (pronounced: "tom"), 0.5 teaspoons of crushed red pepper, 1.5 teaspoon of cumin (pronounced: "wha?"), and 2 teaspoons of chopped garlic. Fry it all up for about five minutes until the onions looks delicious. If they do not look delicious by five minutes, you should turn on the stove or consult an optometrist. You will now add the remainder of the ingredients which should include: the cubed tomato, 1 bay leaf, 1 cup of rice, the black beans, and, in a surprise twist, 2 cups of water (clear). Dump them into the pot, stir with something other than your hand (a friend's hand will work in a pinch), and bring to a steady boil. Once boiling, you will momentarily play good cop and lower the burner for the Moors and Christians. To ensure that this isn't taken as a sign of weakness, you must now cover the pot with its lid and let them suffoca... er... simmer for about twenty minutes.

Step 4 - Wait twenty minutes
This gets a little boring. I recommend punching the wall repeatedly. You might want to use a stud-finder first, though.

Step 5 - Remove from heat and eat
You can take of the top and stir up the mass of Moors and Christians now (after you bandage your hands, rather). Let it cool down for a while, dump it all on a plate, and voila! You have a hearty dish of MOORS AND CHRISTIANS!

Oops, wrong photo. Here are the true moros y cristianos.

While it may not look appetizing, I can assure you it tasted great. Mmm... Moors and Christians. Anyway, be sure to tune in next week when I next teach you how to cook a zany dish of Buddhists and Sikhs!

Masseur
I can barely stand looking at people; what makes you think I would want to rub up on them? Oh sure, some of you may say that it gives me the opportunity to feel up hot-looking women, but I'm sure that every one beauty would be balanced out with about five hideous people. Two of those five would also smell as though they bathe in a mixture of onion and roadkill (which is standard practice for anime convention goers).

Guy Who Pulls Tractor-Trailers with His Ears
I like my ears a little too much. I'm sure doctors have been working wonders with prosthetics, but the idea of prosthetic ears still leaves me a bit iffy.

Barber
My twitchy hands aside, I'm just not overly stylish. Somebody would ask for some kind of nouvelle vague hairstyle, and I would look at them like they were asking me to slaughter all the first-born males of Egypt. In the end, I would just give them all the exact same haircut: a high-and-tight. The ladies love it.

(I'm hoping to make a series out of this idea. It saves me from having to rely on actual creativity.)

Currently mourning George Carlin's death
(Third time's a charm, eh?)

Well, well, well. It looks like a buddy of mine decided to list me as a reference on his job application. Interestingly, the place of business decided to send me a questionnaire regarding his integrity. Now, if I had not known this guy for nearly all of my life, I would've taken this opportunity to completely ruin him. The thought did cross my mind, though. Where should I begin?

• My association with this person was: "former spouse". Why do they even list that option? Who in their right mind would use a former spouse as a reference? I think that if the business receives a form with "former spouse" selected, they automatically discard the potential employee as deranged.
• Do you have any reason to question this person's honesty: Yes (please explain). I have been to this man's house and nowhere in the pantry does he have a box of Frosted Cheerios. How can you trust a man like that?
• Do you have any adverse information regarding this person: You had better believe it. He only stopped taking heroin about a week ago. He has had constant run-ins with the law (I won't go into details; you can pull his record). He's a diagnosed manic-depressive schizophrenic. I also have evidence to believe that he is a bed-wetter.
• Additional comments: F~~K THE POLICE!

Now that would make a good reference. Don't worry, buddy. Your livelihood is safe in my hands.

Welcome to 1023 Manufacturing, where we LOVE our employees. How much do we love our employees? I'll tell you how much we love our employees. We love our employees so much that we actually give them FREE MONEY... just for working for us. Here is how our program works. When our employees work for us a certain amount of time, we reward their hard labor with FREE MONEY! The longer the employee stays, the more money they receive. It's this amazing program that makes 1023 Manufacturing such a great place to work. Just listen to some of our happy employees:

"I've been working here for almost a year now, and 1023 Manufacturing always gave me a free check every two weeks! It's great."

"I needed health insurance for my family, so I spoke with my boss and the company was willing to give me health insurance in exchange for some of the money they give me. I am very pleased."

"I was scared that the company would turn me away when I lost my arm in that crushing unit, but they were willing to give me another job in the facility hygiene sector and still give me money."

We love our employees, so why not join the 1023 Manufacturing family. Even if you do not like free money, we have several facilities in Central Africa and Southeast Asia that can accommodate you. 1023 Manufacturing... where we love our employees.

How long do you have to be in a religion before you can use it to start complaining about stuff? I ask this in response to the recent Hindu protests against the new Mike Myers movie Love Guru (sauce). It seems as though the movie makes a mockery of their religion and paints a negative picture for potential converts non-Hindus. I don't really see what the big deal is, but that's not the point. I want to know how long I need to be in a particular religion before I can start using it as an excuse to sue people. This could be a good career strategy. I also want to know how long a religion needs to be in existence before using it for such purposes. Scientology only came into being around the 1950s, and they've been throwing lawsuits around left and right. I figure that if I can find something in the world that I don't like, I could make some religion that functions solely to make whatever I dislike a sin. It may take some work to set up the belief system and a little extra money to buy some "holy land", but it will all pay off when the lawsuit ends with my victory. Maybe I missed my calling...

Once you start renting your own place, one of the most important things you should do is get renters insurance. With renters insurance, you can have the peace of mind in knowing that you are giving a huge corporation a fraction of your paycheck every year and never see it again unless some extremely unlikely event occurs. For example, my property is protected from such disasters as volcanic eruptions, falling space shuttles, and arbitrary building collapse (I'm dead serious; I've read over my policy dossier). Apparently, if such an event happens, the insurance company will give me money to buy replacements for all of my damaged property. This will be, of course, after I fill out roughly three-million forms and give them additional money. They even reserve the right to send over an inspector to actually confirm that a volcano has erupted from underneath my apartment. It would also cover any medical treatment I might need, including psychiatric treatment from having a Fox News satellite crash into my living room / dining room / kitchen / home office. Interestingly, the only things not covered are war related damage and nuclear explosions. Apparently, they are covering their bases so that when the quiet suburbs are under siege, they can hightail it out of the country and not have to tie up any loose ends. Also, I would not want to be the insurance inspector that has to check the site of a nuclear explosion to confirm that a nuclear explosion had actually taken place on my property.

Well, after writing such nice words about Al Gore the other
day, he saw fit to give me one of his spare internets that he had lying around
his house. Now I don't have to pretend to have a home internet connection
because I actually have a home
internet connection. Stay tuned as your regularly scheduled updates resume as
soon as I gather some source material. Luckily, in the world we live in, this
is not a difficult task.

Ugh, I can't believe I'm stooping so low as to talk about politics again. I couldn't hold back this time, though. You see, former vice president Al Gore decided to throw his endorsement into Obama's lap. Really? Darn, I guess I lost that office pool. I figured he was totally going to endorse McCain, or at least the Neo-Nazi party (if you figure out who the nominee is, can you let me know?). This is another example of respectable news companies giving non-news. It should've been obvious that Gore would have supported the presumptive nominee, regardless of who it would have been. Maybe it would have been considered news had Clinton still been in the race, but not now. This just seems to be his way of saying, "hey, I'm still around!" Has he even done anything since An Inconvenient Truth? Maybe I should start paying more attention to him. For all I know, he could be actively warming the globe to advance his purposes (and paychecks). I smell a scandal. "Napalmgate" has a nice ring to it. (sauce)

Disclaimer: I still don't have a home internet connection, but hopefully it should be up and running by the end of this week. If not, I'll throw my support to the Neo-Nazi party.