Arr... 'tis a good day for bloodshed.

Y’know what really gets my knickers in a twist? People who
don’t celebrate Halloween. Well, let me take that back. It’s not a matter of
them refusing to celebrate Halloween that bothers me. I know I don’t celebrate
a lot of holidays (Purim? Please.) What really brings my kettle to a boil is
people who don’t celebrate Halloween and use that as an excuse not to give out
candy to children (and adults who act like children).They just hang a little
sign on the door that says something along the lines of “we don’t celebrate
Halloween”. What a bunch of child-haters! What, are you worried about the Pagan
aspect or its connections to “the occult”? C’mon, they’re kids going around in
costumes asking people for sweets. Do you really think a kid dressed as
Spider-Man is dooming his soul to Hell? And if a kid is dressed as a witch, a
grim reaper, a 401k statement, or some other ungodly horrible thing, do you
really think not giving them candy is going to make them lose interest? No, it
just makes the kid sad and makes you look like a prick. I remember when I went
out trick or treating as a kid (last year, j/k), I felt just a little
downtrodden when I saw one of these signs. I tried asking my dad why they
aren’t giving out candy, but I don’t remember him giving an answer. Now that
I’m an adult too, I have my own ideas of what he was thinking that evening. He
was probably thinking “because they’re complete dickheads.” If you’re not going
to give out candy, give some other excuse. Turn all of your lights off and
pretend that you are on holiday somewhere else. Maybe put a foreclosure sign on
your front yard. That’ll keep people away (everybody knows foreclosures are
airborne).

Now that I think about it, I remember one Halloween
when I stopped at a house and the person actually came to the door and told me
and my posse that they didn’t celebrate. What the heck? You moved your
posterior off of the couch just to tell us that? Why not just turn off your
porch light? It’s absurd. It really is. And now that I have ceased to be funny,
I’m going to shut my mouth. Sorry for going off like that. I guess the evil
spirits that rise up this time of year got the better of me (or something like
that).

Well, the blood work came in, and it doesn't look good.

Vat is zee problem?

The blood we drew tested positive for human immunodeficiency
virus, or HIV. I'm afraid you have AIDS.

Oh, bleh...

It looks like you caught it from one of your victims. Didn't
I tell you that African safari was a bad idea?

But, it is so seldom that they have one at night.

Either way, you're in a pretty bad fix now.

How? I'm already dead. Vat's the vorst that could happen?

Don't forget, you are technically the "undead". You
can still die. Remember what happened with your friend and that wood stake?

That... I had nothing to do vith that. You know that!

Yes, yes, I wasn't accusing you. I'm just saying that it is
still possible for you to die. You need to be careful. This disease will
definitely compromise your immune system.

Vat do I need an immune system for?

Look, because of your undead status, you have the most
powerful immune system of all. Your white blood cells are just as
"undead" as the rest of you. Most other diseases don't stand a chance
against something like that. This disease, however, directly attacks this
system to the point where it's too busy defending itself to defend anything
else. You will find yourself defenseless even to something as meager as a
common cold.

Bleh, I thought I left that life behind me.

What's worse is that now you run the risk of spreading it to
each of your victims.

Vat do you recommend.

I'll write out a prescription for a constant supply of
hypodermic needles. I'm afraid your days of biting people are over.

Bleh...

Why the heck do candidates (and other people, for that
matter) always insist on voting for what's right for everybody in the country? To
me, a vote is a deeply personal thing. You are supposed to vote for whomever
you believe will most benefit you. If everybody in the country did that, then
the elected official will automatically be in the interest of the majority of
people (well, assuming we obliterate the Electoral College). You see, I'm a
poor college student whose entire life revolves around technology. Because of
this, I will vote for the person who gives me the most money for my bracket and
is the most tech-friendly (et alii). If
everybody in the country was like me, then we would have a great elected
official. If more people vote differently, they suck then they more accurately
represent the will of the majority. Gosh darn it; if I want to vote for a
president that's bad at bowling, then I'm going to vote for a candidate that's
bad at bowling! If I want a candidate that is willing to invade Mexico to stop
illegal immigrants, then that's just whom I'll vote for. (They won't be illegal
anymore, savvy? Try to keep up.) Sure, some people might find that the idea
might not be in the "best interest of the country," but then they
should just go out and vote the other way (pro-illegal immigrant voters). If
enough people vote the same way as me, then the best interest of the country is
the will of the majority. That's what democracy is all about. I'm Jimbo1023,
and I approve of this message.

Question: What should you do when you find yourself in a grassy field during a thunderstorm?

Answer: First, ask yourself what the hell you're doing in a grassy field during a thunderstorm. Really now, what would compel you to do such a thing? If I look up and see a sky full of dark, murky clouds, the last thing I think is, "gee, let me get some friends over and have a picnic in the park." Do people really go to grassy fields anymore? I can understand for sports, like golf and soccer. Indoor golf, while I'm sure it exists, just feels silly. Those sports stadiums with the roofs have the right idea. When it's sunny, they close the dome so they don't hurt the viewers' sensitive, TV-trained eyes. When it's rainy, they open it up to make the game seem more epic. Anyway (returning to the topic) if you find yourself somehow in a grassy field during a thunderstorm, the logical course of action would be to put on your aluminum foil hat. Fools! The satellites have a clear path into your mind when you're out in that field! Assuming that it is not autumn (and the leaves haven't fallen), you would probably want to run under a tree so as not to get wet from the rain. Go ahead and lean against it, you don't want to tire yourself out. Remember that Gatorade you packed for the picnic? Go ahead and drink it while you're waiting for your buddies (they seem to be running very late). You have to keep your electrolyte count high. Don't panic.

Lately, I have been reading the comments people post on CNN's "political ticker". It's incredibly entertaining! I was reading a ticker post about McClellan's recent endorsement of Senator Obama, and had the stroke of genius to post some of my favorites (with some comments of my own in blue). Unless otherwise stated, they should all be appended with (sic).(sauce)

"McCain will divide the country, like Bush/Cheney. Look at Obama rallies, he has the whole spectrum of America represented. Whites, Blacks, Christians, Latinos, etc. Obama will unite America as the one great nation we are."

Because, y'know, Christians are their own people and separate from Blacks, Whites, Latinos, etc. Also, all of these races (or whatever) are conveniently placed on some sort of American spectrum. On the one side, you have complete schmucks and on the other you have the a~~holes. I'll leave you to map it out.

"McClellan is a disgruntled ex-aide. He never opened his mouth about the Iraq War or Bush's Policies, until he was asked to resign and leave. Makes one wonder, if this guy is trustworthy at all…."

… or under an NDA (non-disclosure agreement).

"Obama/Biden 08/12"

I actually had a "pulse" about this. I think it's rather presumptuous to assume that Obama would be good enough to vote for in another four years. No joke here, just thinking out loud (er… on my keyboard).

"As erratic as McCain is, I expect him to finally say 'Obama is just like me - but I'm white'."

Nothing really to say. I just thought it was funny. I'm sure this line would appeal to a large demographic. He should give it a try a few days before the election

"another criminal for Obama, what a shock!"

Wha? The Internet needs to start requiring sources. Well, I take that back. I'm sure this statement is true, if only because most politicians probably are criminals (source: University of Pulled-From-My-Hat).

"I am a white male voting no on fashion and yes for Obama."

The first part of this statement is redundant. As a white male, I can assure you that most of us vote no on fashion.

"The first important decision by someone running for the President of the United States is to pick a running mate. McCain failed in this task. Moreover, his capaign is in shambles. HOW CAN WE TRUST HIM TO RUN THE GOVT, IF HE FAILED IN THIS INITIAL TASKS?"

Wait, but he did pick a running mate. Sarah Palin was popular for a little while, remember? Granted, she isn't exactly top notch, but McCain certainly didn't fail in picking one. Also, I don't know what his "capaign" is. Is it really in shambles? I know his campaign is in shambles, but I'm guessing his "capaign" is just fine.

"Unemployment will be over 10% under Obama guaranteed. Other business owners I have talked with will also start cutting jobs and raising prices if Obama is elected. […] Some of you will be voting yourselves out of a job. Typical democrat, cut your nose off despite your face."

The great thing about statistics is that you can pull them from anywhere and make them sound as if they matter. The use of weasel words is also very helpful in saying absolutely nothing at all. He could very easily be saying that he spoke with twenty business owners, and two of them said that they would cut employees. That is, of course, assuming he isn't completely making up the 10% he stated.

"Hooray for Scott McClellan! He must feel good about cleaning out his conscience."

… or signing on for that book deal.

"Vote people. Vote for Obama, and vote big."

Vote big? What the heck does that even mean? Vote people. Vote for Obama… several times. I don't care how you do it.

"Nadeem ur stupid. first of all it's not your money nor tax-payers money. its money from the RNC which was donated by private donors. second of all she had no idea how much those clothing were and even if she did so what? I'm sick and tired of you liberal loving Obama supporters out there who know nothing about his policys yet you are on a hunt for Sara Palin. get a break and get over yourself you liberal idiots."

Being a Grammar Nazi, this sort of comment breaks my heart. Whenever you write something like this, your credibility instantly drops. While I do agree Palin had little to do with the whole clothing thing, it's out of line to call liberals idiots (and spelling "policies" as "policys"). You need to, as you so eloquently put it, get over yourself.

"HEY SARAH YOUR WHITE HOOD IS SHOWING!!!!!!!"

Do you really think the mass media would miss such an event? The Internet would be ablaze.

"let me think: oh i know. give me ONE thing that is positive about the republicans the last 8 years??? ONE???? NOT TWO, JUST ONE??? why would anyone vote for 4 more of the same."

Well… they gave The Daily Show lots of fodder.

(I had some fun with this post. I might try it again.)

Happy 1023 Day!

On that note, I want all of you to have fun tonight and enjoy 1023 Day to the fullest.
Today's stat boosts:
   +10 morale
   +15 ego
   +5 pulchritude
   +25 godliness
   +5 any three stats of your choosing

(Because I'm not feeling too creative)

1. Open your library (itunes, winamp, media player, ipod,
etc).
2. Put it on shuffle,
3. Press play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6. Be honest, even if you're embarrassed to have the song or it doesn't fit.

Opening Credits: Rock My World - Michael Jackson

Interesting selection. I suppose while the names are fading
in one after another, it would show me dancing or something.

Waking Up: In The Shelter - Jimmy Buffett

Ah, now this is a fitting selection. Who here
doesn't think of Jimmy Buffett when they get up in the
morning.

First Day of School: Another One Bites the Dust - Queen

Considering I had huge glasses and a bowl cut on my first
day of school, this song is even more ridiculous. I don't know why, but I
always picture myself strutting to this song.

Falling In Love: Something in the Way - Nirvana

Pity the song doesn't make a bit of sense. I suppose that is
just par for the course in love. It is a somewhat slow song, and that fits too.

Fight song: Alberta - Eric Clapton

I don't think it's possible to even have a fight seen with
an acoustic song. I guess if the "fight" involved a card game, it
would work, but the writers would have their work cut out for them.

Breaking up: Melissa - The Allman Brothers Band

This song works pretty well. Well, except that it would make
me look like a stalker.

Prom: Templars of Steel - HammerFall

Because everyone knows the prom is backed up with heavy
metal. Think about it, most of the guys are probably wearing a black tux,
right? The only way to make this scene any better is if the writers decided on
"What is Love" instead.

Life's OK: Steamroller - James Taylor

Good heavens, this sounds a lot more like "sex
scene" rather than "Life's OK". The writers are definitely
taking some creative liberties with my life story.

Mental Breakdown: Let's See Action - The Who

Hmm... I guess I could see myself getting a mental breakdown
and having this music playing. It's bouncy enough.

Driving: I Feel Fine - The Beatles

This presents a good segue after the mental breakdown scene.
I can see myself cruising down the road to this song with some trippy
Picasso-like backdrop.

Flashback: The Boys Are Back in Town - Thin Lizzy

Okay, I just recovered from the mental breakdown, and it's
time for revenge (or something).

Getting Back Together: Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger - Daft Punk

Get those thoughts out of your head; this isn't going to be
a dirty scene. This scene shall be played out entirely in... interpretive
dance...

Wedding: All Revved Up With No Place To Go - Meatloaf

Well, at least the BGM for my wedding is a love song... sort
of. If I can find a girl in real life that would accept Meatloaf during our
wedding, I think I would have a keeper.

Birth of a Child: Any Colour You Like - Pink Floyd

I've got a brilliant idea for this scene. I call it
"Womb-Cam". You see, it plays the scene from the baby's point of
view, while still in the womb. There are colors and waves flowing by to the
music, and then he (gotta be male) gets wrenched out when the music ends.

Final Battle: The Long Run - Eagles

Okay... West Side Story-style dancing knife fight. I can see it all in my head.
It'll be great!

Death Scene: Time Machine - Grand Funk Railroad

If this is the song that plays during my death, I don't even
want to know what the writers plan as my means of death. "Local man dies
in freak tie-dying accident"

Funeral Song: I Am a Rock - Simon & Garfunkel

The movie of my life appears to be an unholy mix of
rock-opera and hippy-musical.

Ending Credits: The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down - The Band

I was hoping for something a little more upbeat to
coincide with the blooper reel.

Chuck
Norris is Jimbo in... The Life of Jimbo

I just discovered an interesting food item on the McDonalds menu a few days ago. It's something called a chicken BLT. Let me try to explain this concept to you. You take a big chunk of fried chicken, and then wrap a bacon-lettuce-tomato (BLT) sandwich around it. I have to repeat this for those who missed it: you are wrapping bacon around fried chicken. This is delicious terrible! It's like spreading butter on some cheese. It's almost worse than a quarter-pounder with cheese. I, personally, haven't had one of those, but I hear it's scrumptious bad for you. Anyway, I would like to meet the person that makes these new menu creations. I would like to meet the man (yes, I'm sure it's a guy) who decided that a BLT simply wasn't good enough. I am a big fan of the BLT, and I can say that it does not need any assistance. This guy decided to change the classic BLT recipe by adding a foreign meat that is clearly not part of the acronym. Don't give me any of this "but they put 'chicken' before the BLT". The BLT doesn't need the help. McDonalds should be ashamed of itself. The logical menu item would be a BLT with fried chicken served next to it (with a side of onion rings and a medium Dr Pepper). Better yet, they should just offer an intravenous drip of grease. I wonder what that type of thing would do to the body (don’t answer that, I want to keep it a mystery)?

I had the privilege last night to see Lewis Black live at my college. I must say that it is probably the most I have laughed since… crap, early August. It has been a hard semester, but after hearing Black’s “I’m sixty years old” shtick I thought, “well, maybe things aren’t so bad.” I may be out of the job in a terrible job market, but at least I am not sixty years old too. I watch a lot of stand-up comedy, but nothing compared to seeing it live. I used to think that people who went to concerts were silly. Why would you want to leave your house when you can just listen to music at home? To these people I would like to make the following statement:

“I would like to apologize to all of the people that go to see artists they admire live for calling you ‘silly’. I went to a live show and it was fan-freakin’-tastic. I highly recommend that anyone who has not had the experience do so when given the chance.”

There, I said it and now feel better. Regarding the routine, it was great. Lewis Black is one of my favorite comedians, so it was to be expected. He covered all of his (and my) favorite topics: politics, economy, religion (a personal favorite), sex, drugs, and airport security. There was lots of swearing and yelling too, which is to be expected considering the subject matter covered. Indeed, it is difficult speaking regularly about airport security or the economy without a chain of profanities, so it only follows that a stand-up routine would require it. One of my favorite jokes came when he blamed all of our economic troubles… on Christians. They simply did not buy enough crap for Christmas. If I wasn’t crammed in a plastic seat about the size of a sardine tin, I would’ve been rolling on the floor. It was a good evening that directly resulted in me getting very little sleep (and subsequently needing to wake up early in the morning to go to work).