Government requires “bleepers” for all Americans

By Jimbo
Jimbo News Network

In a surprise move by the United States government, it was announced that all people within the country’s borders will now be required to wear naughty word censors. These sensors are worn around the neck, just under the chin. It detects whenever certain undesired words are uttered and emits a loudly audible beep that prevents even the loudest talker from being heard. The government is calling these sensors Decency And Morals Monitors: Individual Tags (DAMMITs) and will be distributing them during the next two months. Images of the government supplied DAMMITs have yet to be seen, however many commercial establishments are already advertising retail versions in a variety of shapes and colors. Paris Hilton was one of the first people to sport a hot pink and laced DAMMIT on her neck, however reports tell that the constant beeping makes her film efforts less appealing.

Various watchdog groups are applauding the government mandate. Sean Flemmings of the Church of the Holy Doohickey says that the devices “will finally bring the filthy mouths of Americans under control.” Some organizations are trying to strike down the decision, claiming that freedom of speech is protected by the first amendment. These arguments are quickly being shot down with the argument that free speech does not protect you from screaming fire in a crowded theatre. “There is just no reason for all of this dirty language,” Sean Flemmings declares. “It is time to put a stop to it all, and I am willing to help the government in whatever ways possible. Now all that remains is to force people to stop taking the Lord’s name in vain.”

Enforcement protocol is currently unknown. Current friends’ friends of reliable sources tell us that a new government organization is being created for just such a purpose. The stock market rallied momentarily on this decision, as a large government organization ensures new job creation, but quickly crashed again on the realization that taxes will skyrocket to pay for the new initiative. Many government economists cursed under their breath on the news, but were quickly cut short by a loud beep emanating from their neck.

One of my favorite marketing phrases of all time must be "results may vary". This is practically a "get out of jail free" card. If you tack that on to the end of any commercial, you can say whatever you want. You can sell shards of broken glass and call them weight loss pills. Hey, results may vary. This one chick lost weight while taking them. Granted, she had liposuction and a tummy tuck as well, but she never stopped taking them. At least, that was before she died of irreparable stomach lacerations. The formaldehyde did wonders for her figure, though. On the flip side, some people will not experience any sort of weight loss while on this supplement. What can I say? Results may vary. I warned you, didn't I?

I think I should go into marketing. To the devil with my current planned career path; I'm have my mid-life crisis now! Yes, I shall go into marketing and use this line constantly. Results may vary. Heck, I'll put it at the end of my résumé. I'll make that perfectly clear before they hire me. Imagine how many products I can apply this to: shampoo, bear traps, condoms, mail-order brides, Jesus fish car decals... all kinds of crap! Oh, and lets not forget our friend, the 40-pound box of rape* -

* Results may vary

Is it just me, or is Xanga making a few too many spin-off sites? It used to be just a few like Momaroo, Datingish, and revelife. Now, they have even more like Dollarish, Healthkicker, and Lovelyish. It’s crazy. Fortunately, I have a very simple solution. All they need to do is make so many spin-off sites that the bottom falls out and Xanga is all that remains (I would make a liquidity joke, but liquidity is a funny word in and of itself). Being the nice guy that I am, I have a few suggestions.

• Fuckitall – This is a spin-off site for all of those obnoxiously emo posters. I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about here. These are the people with lives so messed up that they have to grow their bangs all long and write what they call “poetry”. I’m sure there is no shortage of this archetype in Xanga, so there is an instant market. It probably wouldn’t be too difficult to implement either. Just change some of Xanga’s blue borders to black, add a few skulls, and we’re golden.
• siliconlife – This one is for the sci-fi geeks (and some of those actual silicon-based life forms. You know who you are). Here they can all gather and be geeky together in one mass orgy of incoherent jargon (little known fact: no two geeks know exactly what each other are talking about). Vague pop culture references abound. It would be a lot like 4chan, only not as awesome. As an added plus, if a parent finds their child has a blog on this spin-off, they need no longer worry about sexual promiscuity from that child. Instant abstinence!
• Fattish – Another continuation of the –ish series. This one is all about people with eating disorders; either people who think they are constantly fat or really are fat and just can’t stop eating. The name works both ways. Together they can share tips on where to nonchalantly purge, the best Ben & Jerry’s flavors, and locations to shops that sell low-fat water (Dasani Lite). Oh, and psychological counselors need not apply.

That should get you started on the right path. Just focus on all those groups that don’t yet have their own spin-off. We have to help segregate the masses! On a side note: clean up your bloody home page! It’s a mess. If I wanted to receive news about those spin-off sites, I would visit the spin-off sites themselves. I demand Xanga purity!

I found an interesting article while perusing the Internets the other day. It describes how video gaming is actually an environmentally friendly, or "green," activity (sauce). Some of the things they say are silly, but others make sense. It's hard to damage the environment when you spend so little time in it. Game consoles don't use a whole lot of electricity. Super Mario Bros. is still as fun a game as it was in 1987. I tell you, this could be the start of something big. Save the environment; play video games! Why should I go out and plant a tree. They've been doing alright for themselves this long. I say stay inside and leave them to their own devices. More food for thought: gamers hardly throw anything away. I have kept the same casing that the game came with for every game that I purchased (or acquired by some other means). I'm sure that gamers are one of the biggest customer bases of the bookshelf industry (that and, y'know, the minority of Americans that actually read books). The same goes for rubbish in general. If a garbage can is out of arms reach, you can be sure that that Snickers wrapper isn't going much farther than the coffee table. I haven't been able to find my coffee table since Halloween. I would get my dustpan and brush, but they're too far away. Let us not forget the vegetative state many gamers enter once they start playing. When you're nearly comatose, you're probably not breathing too hard. That almost neutralizes your carbon footprint from having the console on in the first place (source: my as~).

I'm starting to think war has lost its edge. Nowadays we have all sorts of new toys. Bunker busters, heat seeking missiles, carpet bombing, sniper rifles... that isn't war. That's just killing stuff. When I picture a war, I picture huge armies amassing to face one another. Generals meet just before battle to shake hands and share pithy one-liners. I picture earth-shaking war cries and banners held proud and high. Let me tell you, in my image of warfare, you know exactly who killed you. You can look your opponent in the eye and give him a heartfelt "f-ck you" in your final breath. This is where friendly rivalries and regular, old rivalries are born. Do we even have any heroes anymore? Don't give me any of that "all soldiers are heroes" garbage. That doesn't stand the test of time. How many of the soldiers at Thermopylae can you name? That's right, just one (ol' What's-his-name). And what happened to sacking cities? If we're going to go around forcing democracy on people, the least they could do is let us steal their goods and have our way with their women. Imagine the newspaper headline "US TROOPS SACK BAGHDAD" (joke lovingly lifted from George Carlin). We don't even need to see our enemies on the visible spectrum any more. Got 'im on infrared? Kill 'im. I tell you, gunpowder ruined warfare. Sheesh. And don't get me started on nuclear weapons. The ultimate weapon for wussies.

I don't know about you, but when I think about wild animals, I think they pretty well know what they're doing. They don't mess up too often. They've been around for a while and are good at what they do. This view changed the other day. Let me set the scene: I'm sitting outside under a tree (I kid you not) with my laptop working with MS Project (or, as I like to call it, MS MoreCrapware). It was a cloudy day, but there was no chance of rain (the best kind of day; I don't play well with sunlight). I was feeling pretty mellow. All of a sudden I heard a loud crash from the tree above me and see a squirrel hit the ground hard about two feet in front of me then dart off. After I changed my pants, I started to wonder what the heck happened. Was the squirrel purposefully trying to frighten me? Does spontaneous generation have some credence? Is it looking to terminate Sarah Connor? What!? Well, more than likely it just misjudged his inter-tree leap and plummeted to the ground. He was surprisingly calm about the fall and seemed more surprised to see a modern human actually sitting against a tree. I'm sure he "meant to do that."

Okay, I suppose it's time I wrote my thoughts about our new president-elect. Honestly, though, what else is left to be said? If I hear the phrase "historic victory" one more time, I'm going to kill something (for writing it myself, I went out and killed several bacteria). I voted for him, so hopefully he'll do okay. I think that I will list some of the pessimistic givens that will come out of this presidency.

1. There is very little a president can do to "fix" the economy. Just look at the Bush administration. Sure, they may be a sorry lot, but do you really think they've just been sitting around? I'll bet they're doing everything they can to leave some kind of legacy at the very end. It's going to be up to the economy to fix the economy. My best advice would be to do things only to look busy, and then let things eventually work themselves out. I remember hearing some of my classmates talking about the economy and saying that a lot of the candidates' plans (from both sides) didn't adhere to common sense. If I have learned one thing in this world it's that anything much bigger or much smaller than you rarely complies with common sense.
2. He will not unite the country. There, I said it. There will always be people who throw around "liberal" like it's a dirty word. No one can change that. It may be "change we need," but it simply is not happening.
3. This is speculation, but I'm rather sure that Obama will have to pull an HW Bush and raise taxes on us. This may be the application of common sense (see 1), but I can't see any other way to refill our coffers. I'm prepared for it. Well, in the sense that at the end of the year I won't have a job to tax. Sigh... this economy sucks.
4. It'll turn out he's the antichrist and bring about the Apocalypse. It's been obvious for a while now. Frankly I'll be glad to be rid of all the fundamentalists after the Rapture. Though, to be fair, so few people will disappear that we probably won't notice.
5. Then there's the thought police...

[14:19 EDIT]

Okay folks, tomorrow is the big day. The future of the
country rests in our hands. In case you haven't heard a million times already,
tomorrow is Election Day. I order you all to go out and vote for whichever
candidate you feel is best (I do hope you've reached your decision by now). If
you don't, I will personally come over to your house and kick you in the
hind-quarters. So, in short: go out and vote... assuming, of course, that
you're old enough... and you're even a citizen in this country... and you're
not dead... and you're sober (VUI, voting under the influence, is frowned upon).