Actual title of the movie that, in all due honesty, is too long to type more than once: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

I can't really think of any way to pretty this up. This movie was quite possibly one of the most boring movies I have ever seen. Let me basically give you a very brief synopsis. A man is born just after the First World War and lives his life without doing anything particularly exciting. Oh sure, there's that whole thing where he is born old and basically ages in reverse, but that honestly adds very little to the "story". You'll notice that I put the word story in quotes there. That is because the plot of the movie was exceptionally dull and not worthy of being considered a full-fledged story. The closest I can compare the movie to is Forrest Gump, but don’t think for a second that it is even comparable in quality. The only reason I compare it to Forrest Gump is because both movies are about people telling their lives and the misadventures therein. In Forrest Gump, however, the story is interesting, variegated, and progressing towards some goal. While one can claim that Benjamin Button has a variegated story, the characters are so deadpan that none of them make you care about their arcs, and the ending is so predictable that it makes one take a career in divination seriously.

Anyway, let me just describe some of the plot's finer points, and maybe someone can glean some interest from it. The movie itself seems like an amalgamation of every fetishist's wet dream. The movie starts off appealing to the Lolita-complex crowd. Old man meets up and falls in love with supple, young, blue-eyed girl. A little bit later, it moves on to the scandalous affair fetish, as a slightly less old man courts and shacks up with a professional spy's wife (srsly). The next is the slightly more culturally acceptable girl-next-door fetish. The Humbert Humbert impersonator, the movie's titular character, finally hooks up with his Lolita (alas, now all grown up). According to the film, and here I am only slightly paraphrasing, they have sex nigh on constantly. The film concludes with a spine-chilling MILF complex, as an adolescent Benjamin sexes up his no-longer-so-supple squeeze. That, in a nutshell, is the movie (spoiler alert!). Oh sure, there are some parts about fighting in World War II, a cab driver ordering some doughnuts, and a daughter discovering her real father was a freak, but all in all these constituents add nothing to the movie.

This movie barely earns all 4.887209 / 10.0 units of adequacy that I am giving it. The only reason it scored so high was because of the character Mr. I-Got-Struck-By-Lightning-Seven-Times. Seriously, he was the only reason (no, I won't explain it. I don't want to risk you wasting time out of your life just to see a movie for this guy.). The rest of the movie was pure manure. Sigh... I knew I should've decided on Yes Man.

(Note: I'm sure this post is poorly written, so please forgive me. I was very tired writing this and I'm fighting a serious case of writer's block.)

Fig. 12.30 - Scenes that would justify the existence of eye bleach

Gather 'round children; let me tell you a story. It all began in a small town similar to where we live here (not in the suburbs, mind, I meant downtown-like). There once was a boy and a girl, and they were both very much in love. Maria was a taciturn, religious girl who kept her chastity safe, and Joe was a brash, bright-eyed lad which everyone in town turned to when they needed something "fixed". Joe did everything by the books: taking Maria to the dance, moonlight serenades, taking a knife to the gut, &c. Eventually, the two got together, and they were quite happy together. Joe respected Maria's vow of chastity and Maria refrained from asking too many questions about what Joe did for a living.

The honeymoon was not to last, however. It was not long before Maria became pregnant. Joe, who never had the opportunity to "know" his wife (get your mind out of the gutter, Benny, though you have the right idea), was understandably distraught. Maria swore up and down that the baby was immaculate. On the night the baby was born, Joe called over three of his buddies, and tried to celebrate the birth as well as he could. Heated arguments began almost immediately, however. Joe insisted on naming the child after himself as Joseph H. Christ II, but Maria insisted on the heavenly demanded name Jesus. That was the final straw for Joe. He almost walked out on the marriage, but his friends told him to stick it through. Nevertheless, he spent most of his nights out of house. Not much more is known about him at this time. It is assumed that he turned to drink and drugs, and disappeared in Jesus' teen years after a night out with some of his buddies.

Anyway, I don't remember too much more about all of that. Um... well, anyway, his adult life is far more interesting. You see, I don't know what happened, but he started to get in with the wrong crowd. It must've been his father's influence. He quickly reached the top of the local gang and developed a bit of a god complex. He preached that his efforts were all for the sake of the "everyman" that were shunned by the established order. He was addicted to power and did whatever was necessary to maintain his image. There was that time he attempted to drown one of his gang-mates for lack of respect. He beat another of his mates into a four day coma. Heh heh, he sure acted all high and mighty when "Lazy Eyes" Lazarus woke up. In a drunken fit, he even burned down a tree that he bumped into on his way back home.

His practices did not go unnoticed by the government. They already had an informant on the inside. After dropping a hint over dinner that Jesus suspected him, the plant alerted the officials by giving Jesus the kiss of death. Upon his arrest, the former gang leader was a victim of constant police brutality until he was finally sentenced to death. He managed to escape, however, and drug a stand-in to die in his stead. After the burial, he removed the body before an autopsy could be performed, met with his compatriots one final time, and left the area. Rumors hold, however, that he returned shortly after and, in exchange for immunity, revealed the names of his followers to the authorities. In exchange for his aid, he entered the witness protection program and was given a new name and a new home. Word is that he now lives to the far north, got himself a wife, and turned philanthropic, giving away toys to children who still believe in him.

The moral of the story? Well, come now children, not all stories have morals to them. I guess the moral is that you should be careful who your friends are. Okay, you all have been patient enough. Let us go and open those Christmas presents now.

MERRY CHRISTMAS READERS! - Jimbo

Looking forward to tomorrow!

Readers, it is time for a call to arms. I have recently received news of a flagrant denial of the freedom of expression. You see, Apple, who doesn't care much for consumer rights in the first place, is denying a group of developers the right to put their application on the iPhone. The aptly named iBoobs is a breast physics simulator that senses iPhone movement. A video of the prototype app is below, and may or may not be safe for work, depending on how liberal (or male) your boss is. Clearly, this sort of experimentation is essential for future games on the handheld, such as iDead or Alive: iXtreme Beach Volleyball. Apple, however, denied their app. Obviously, this company does not care about your constitutional rights or the happiness of thousands of iPhone customers. My main question to Apple is: what about the children? I'm sure most of the corporate bigwigs remember their childhoods when they learned about women by nicking Victoria's Secret catalogues from the mailbox before the parental units got home. This app would alleviate those feelings of guilt and make these young ones understand that women are not objects to steal away. No, I don't have to explain this one, just trust me. It teaches that women are actual people (whose breasts jiggle when shaken). (sauce)

Let me see here, it took me a total of 30 hours to beat this game and I only started playing it about five days ago. That means that I have played this game at least five hours a day. That's almost an extra job! Yes, this certainly shows that I am addicted dedicated to my hobby. That one day that I spent playing it for nine hours straight? Let us not speak of that one. I almost died.

Fig. 12.22: Emil and Marta - one of my new favorite video game couples.

import javax.knowledge.good_evil;

import java.evil.*;

if (shitHitsFan) dispose();

if (population > sustainability) starvation();

catch (ArithmeticException a) {
    noah.setRevelation("Two of each animal");
    greatFlood(40, 40);
} // end catch

do {
    testFaith();
    suffer();
    time++;
} while (timeOfDeath != time);

add(adam);
add(eve);
add(satanicTalkingSnake);

for (Year ad = 1995; ad < 1998; ad++) {
    macarena.setPopularity("high");
}

Religion scientology = new Religion("L Ron Hubbard", 1953);

Religion blargism = new Religion("Crazy Homeless Guy", 2056);
setOneTrueReligion(blargism);

// no comment

Okay, I shall be lifting an interesting post from another blog I frequent (who took it from another blog, which came from yet another). Sadly, I've been too busy with my other hobbies to write as much as I normally do. School may be finished, but I have just been engrossed in the latest Tales of Symphonia game, watching DearS, and reading the Bhagavad Gita. This looked neat, though, so for your viewing pleasure, I shall go through this quiz. Points that apply to me will be typed in bold, and each will have comments in blue.

1. Participated in the Blasphemy Challenge.
I have no idea what that is, but it sounds painful.

2. Met at least one of the “Four Horsemen” (Richard Dawkins, Daniel Dennett, Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris) in person.
I don't leave my house much, so unless they come to visit, this probably isn't going to happen.

3. Created an atheist blog.
This one may be a bit of a stretch. I do have a blog that somewhat frequently makes fun of religion, but it is not explicitly atheistic. I won't count it.

4. Used the Flying Spaghetti Monster in a religious debate with someone.
Oh yes, I actually use this somewhat frequently. A lot of people don't get it, though, and they tend to stare at me awkwardly. That's the best part.

5. Gotten offended when someone called you an agnostic.
I have no problem with the term.

6. Been unable to watch Growing Pains reruns because of Kirk Cameron.
If they just left off the dependant clause at the sentence's end, I would've agreed to it.

7. Own more Bibles than most Christians you know.
I'm not going to count this one, but it may be true. I only have one complete Bible, but I have several tiny copies of The New Testament that proselytizers like handing out on street corners. I would like to point out that I do have several other "holy books", including the Qur'an, Bible, Bhagavad Gita, Poetic Edda, Dhammapada, Upanishads, Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and even the Gospel of Judas. 

8. Have at least one Bible with your personal annotations regarding contradictions, disturbing parts, etc.
I'm going to count this one, albeit with an amendment. I do not write directly in any of my books (desecration!). I do, however, have a separate notebook where I keep, well, notes on contradictions, disturbing parts, &c.

9. Have come out as an atheist to your family.
Why stop there? Not only my family, I've mentioned it to friends and coworkers as well. Heck, I've even mentioned it to a few complete strangers.

10. Attended a campus or off-campus atheist gathering.
Sadly, I have not. This has less to do with lack of interest, and more to do with lack of time. Being a full-time employee and full-time student can be trying.

11. Are a member of an organized atheist/Humanist/etc. organization.
Well, I'm a member of a few atheistic blogrings here on Xanga, but I don't think that counts.

12. Had a Humanist wedding ceremony.
Alas, I am single.

13. Donated money to an atheist organization.
I'm afraid not. I hope to, someday, when I'm out of college and have a lot more disposable income.

14. Have a bookshelf dedicated solely to Richard Dawkins.
I have a few shelves on my bookshelf dedicated to religion, but there are only two Richard Dawkins books on there.

15. Lost the friendship of someone you know because of your non-theism.
I maintain a very small circle of friends, and I don't think any of them care about how anti-religious I am. If any of my friends are reading this and do care: tough.

16. Tried to argue or have a discussion with someone who stopped you on the street to proselytize.
I'm going to go ahead and count this one, just because it started with the word "tried". An example: I was at work one day, and a guy that was leaving actually stopped and asked if I had "found Jesus yet." My response was, and here I am quoting myself, "huh? I didn't realize I was supposed to be looking for him. He's in Heaven now, right? Hasn't he been there for a while?" The guy seemingly ignored this and tried to force upon me a tiny pamphlet about Jesus, which I promptly handed back saying that I didn't need "such silliness".

17. Had to hide your atheist beliefs on a first date because you didn’t want to scare him/her away.
Alas, I am single (and always have been).

18. Own a stockpile of atheist paraphernalia (bumper stickers, buttons, shirts, etc).
Aside from my books, I have no other paraphernalia. I do have a Buddy Christ bobblehead on my computer desk, but I'm not going to count that.

19. Attended a protest that involved religion. 
I'm not much of a protestor. I let people that have more energy do that in my stead.

20. Attended an atheist conference.
I barely attend conferences in the first place. Too many people go to these conferences. I hate people.

21. Subscribe to Pat Condell’s YouTube channel.
I had never heard of him until I did a Wikipedia hunt upon reading this quiz. He seems interesting, but I don't think I would subscribe to him.

22. Started an atheist group in your area or school.
Just no.

23. Successfully “de-converted” someone to atheism. 
No one has ever come out and said to my face that I "de-converted" him, but I am always hopeful that my satire will reach out to them.

24. Have already made plans to donate your body to science after you die.
I'm an organ donor, but I don't think that counts.

25. Told someone you’re an atheist only because you wanted to see the person’s reaction.
Heh heh, guilty. The most common reaction is one of disbelief, closely followed by a one-too-many-nostrils stare.

26. Had to think twice before screaming “Oh God!” during sex. Or you said something else in its place
Alas, I am single.

27. Lost a job because of your atheism.
I would fight to the death if this actually ever occurred.

28. Formed a bond with someone specifically because of your mutual atheism (meeting this person at a local gathering or conference doesn’t count).
I've met a lot of cool people through Xanga, but I think that would be stretching the commonly accepted definition of "bond".

29. Have crossed “In God We Trust” off of — or put a pro-church-state-separation stamp on — dollar bills.
That's just silly.

30. Refused to recite the Pledge of Allegiance.
Again, rather silly. I did skip over the "under God" part from time to time, though.

31. Said “Gesundheit!” (or nothing at all) after someone sneezed because you didn’t want to say “Bless you!” 
I hardly ever say anything to a sneeze. I don't know why, I just never did. If I ever do speak, it's always an attempt at being humorous. "Woah, are you okay there? Didn't break anything, did you?"

32. Have ever chosen not to clasp your hands together out of fear someone might think you’re praying.
My hands are always hovering around my mouth, and occasionally they clasp together. It's a habit. One time in high school, somebody actually thought I was praying, and that has made me self-conscious about it ever since.

33. Have turned on Christian TV because you needed something entertaining to watch. 
Televangelists are always fun for a laugh. What can I say? They're religious vigour is fun to watch and the audience's reaction equally so.

34. Are a 2nd or 3rd (or more) generation atheist.
Most of my family is Catholic, though they may as well de-convert considering how little they practice. I think deist would more accurately describe most of my family.

35. Have “atheism” listed on your Facebook or dating profile — and not a euphemistic variant.
I have "Pastafarian" listed on my Facebook. No, I refuse to change it.

36. Attended an atheist’s funeral (i.e. a non-religious service).
I haven't done this but it could be interesting. I'm picturing something like dropping the body dressed in a tuxedo into a tank filled with hungry sharks.

37. Subscribe to [a] freethought magazine (e.g. Free Inquiry, Skeptic)
I only subscribe to two magazines: TIME and Game Informer. I used to subscribe to Scientific American, but dropped it due to lack of money and time.

38. Have been interviewed by a reporter because of your atheism. 
No, but this would be awesome. I am, technically, an Eagle Scout, so I could make something out of this. We all remember the last time an Eagle Scout admitted to being an atheist.

39. Written a letter-to-the-editor about an issue related to your non-belief in God.
I prefer simply writing to my blog. People might start taking me seriously if I write to an editor. I can't have that.

40. Gave a friend or acquaintance a New Atheist book as a gift.
This is a pretty good idea, but I never did it.

41. Wear pro-atheist clothing in public.
Usually all I wear are Hawaiian shirts or geeky shirts. I wouldn't say no to a pro-atheist shirt, but I've never gone out of my way to acquire one.

42. Have invited Mormons/Jehovah’s Witnesses into your house specifically because you wanted to argue with them.
I don't like dragging on conversations with these peddlers. A quick "I'm an atheist" usually sends them on their way.

43. Have been physically threatened (or beaten up) because you didn’t believe in God.
This would be a little scary if it happened.

44. Receive Google Alerts on “atheism” (or variants).
Not much to say aside from "no".

45. Received fewer Christmas presents than expected because people assumed you didn’t celebrate it.
I still celebrate Christmas, and most people who give gifts to me know it. Being an atheist hasn't hurt me. (Question: what does this have to do with proving how "hard-core" you are?)

46. Visited The Creation Museum or saw Ben Stein’s Expelled just so you could keep tabs on the “enemy.”
This would mean actually venturing out into the sunlight, which is why it hasn't happened.

47. Refuse to tell anyone what your “sign” is… because it doesn’t matter at all
Yes, I told this flat out to someone. I told the person it didn't matter. When the person insisted, I gave my Chinese zodiac sign (bunny rabbit, lol).

48. Are on a mailing list for a Christian organization just so you can see what they’re up to…
That's just silly.

49. Have kept your eyes open while you watched others around you pray.
This most recently happened at Thanksgiving this year. They didn't notice.

50. Avoid even Unitarian churches because they’re too close to religion for you.
I'm going to count this one (if only to artificially boost my score). I don't avoid it because it's necessarily close to religion, but because it is too far from my house.

So that's twelve for me. Apparently, according to the below grading scale, that makes me a "new atheist"... whatever the hell that means. I think these questions are a bit skewed. They seem to make an assumption that I am in a relationship and an extrovert. That's totally unfair.

-10: Impressive, but not too far from agnosticism. 11-20: You are, literally, a “New Atheist.” But you now have something to strive for! Go for the full 50! 21-30: You are an atheist, but babies aren’t running away from you. Yet. 31-40: You are the 5th Horseman! Congratulations! 41-50: PZ Myers will now be taking lessons from you.

Fig. 12.19: Obligatory silly picture.

Dear God,

I'm sure You're busy and all, but I have a question for You. Specifically, it's about Heaven. I'm just worried that if You exist (a big "if") and that I get into Heaven (an even bigger "if"), it won't be all it's cracked up to be. I mean, I've lived a pretty good life so far. Sure, I don't necessarily believe in You, but I never lived in excess, I give to charities, I respect others, I'm allergic to shrimp and other shellfish, and I enjoy life. I know I've had a penchant for mouthing off against You and I enjoy poly-cotton blends, but I still think I have a better chance than most to get into Heaven.

Anyway, my question is regarding toys and modern inventions in Heaven. I'm sure that You're quite well aware that I enjoy video games. I'm somewhat concerned, however, by some of the reports from others I've heard explaining how they think Heaven will be. Most of them say that Heaven is a place where the righteous will be able to bask in Your glory. I'm sure that's well and good, like a big strip club starring God, but I think if it's all basking and no action, I'm sure I'd get bored after a few thousand years.

Now, I'm guessing that it isn't all basking, no offense. I'm sure there must be other things to do in Heaven. An infinitely large arcade would be truly awe-inspiring. The concern I have is how this technology upgrades. Is it that all of the technology in Heaven upgrades as the technology on Earth upgrades? That, I think, would be best, at least until the rapture. Or is it that all the technology ever created and ever to be created is present? This might not be that great. I think I would be over-stimulated, and it would be less fun. Besides, what would happen when the rapture comes? Would that cause an abrupt halt in technological innovations? These are just some concerns I have, and I would appreciate some sort of response in due time. Thank You for Your time.

Sincerely,

Jimbo "You should already know my real name" 1023

Disney to Acquire Rights to Bible

By Jimbo
Jimbo News Network

In what seems to be a constant stream of acquisitions, Disney has announced that it is in talks to acquire the copyright to the popular Christian literary piece, The Bible. “We know the copyright has, technically, expired,” a Disney spokesman told reporters, “but I feel it would be an honor for Disney to hold the former rights to this age old work.” As negotiations take place behind closed, certain details remain unknown, such as how much money is being bargained, what the actual copyright will do for Disney, and who, exactly, they are negotiating with. “I don’t even know who holds the Bible’s copyright,” says a rival reporter from “pee”-NN. Current speculation holds that the negotiations are taking place between Disney representatives and the Almighty Himself.

The stock market is wary about this new move from the corporate megalith. On the one hand, it would mean plenty of free marketing for the company. It will reach out to the maybe four people who have not yet heard of Disney. On the other, the move will, ultimately, accomplish nothing. Like most corporate stunts, it is an empty move. The copyright has long since expired in most countries, assuming that the author(s) was mortal.

Disney, however, has big plans if it does successfully acquire the Bible. “We realize that Christianity is the world’s largest religion,” says another Disney spokesman. “We think there is just a wealth of marketing opportunities.” The company hopes to cross its other copyrighted materials with the Biblical tales. Many Christians, however, are expressing concerns about setting up some sort of false idol with Disney characters. “We all remember the John Lennon fiasco,” mentions one Christian. Many fear that a Mickey Mouse Jesus may become more popular than the real Jesus. Most, however, refused comment when asked what the real Jesus looked like.

PREGNANT?
NEED HELP?
CALL 1-800-867-5309

These very interesting words were emblazoned upon a paper sign located on the side of the road. Sadly, that is not the actual number that was written on it. I was driving past at a stately 60 mph (speed limit 30... seriously), so I had little opportunity to write anything down. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is what was written on the sign.

The sign, at first glance, seems simple enough. It seems to be advertising some church or counseling group (or maybe an abortion clinic) that some pregnant woman might need in her life. Unfortunately for the sign, it got me thinking, which is a bad habit of mine, I'll admit. The sign seems to be assuming a lot (or at least I am). It assumes that the answer to both questions would be "yes". Actually, for the vast majority of people, this would not be the case. Most people, and here I am once again assuming, would answer "no" to the first question. This, for me, automatically makes it less of a counseling group for pregnant woman, and more a dating service. It's asking "are you pregnant?" followed by "do you need someone to help you become pregnant?" There was probably some particularly randy guy who didn't believe in condoms that needed to... blow off some steam. Also, what if you answer "no" to both questions? Should I still call the number? What would they tell me if I did? Maybe it's a service line where, once called, they send over a professional to your house to personally give a congratulatory slap on the back and handshake. The only other binary path that could be followed, the yes-no path, seems the most challenging to explain. Maybe if you call the number, they are going to force help upon you, whether you want it or not. They have dart guns loaded with Demerol and can perform a Caesarian in moments flat.