(This post based on a pulse item I posted)
Well, good afternoon Mr. President-elect Jimbo.
Ah hello, yes. What’s up?
It seems that we’ve come upon a little snag concerning your inauguration.
Hmm?
Well, you see, you know how you ran and won as the first atheist candidate? It was truly great, I assure you. You really won over the intellectuals and youth voters. It’s a great step forward. The problem is concerning inauguration tradition. Usually, the oath of office is taken over a Bible. Obviously, that won’t work for you. We’re trying to figure out what you can take your oath on.
How about a cashmere sweater? So soft… (this was my favorite comment, by the way)
That might be a little awkward, sir.
Oh, I know. I’ve always wanted to swear an oath on the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
I fear that could be taken as a subtle allusion to theism. That might run the risk of alienating your constituency.
I suppose you’re right. How about a Playboy magazine? Doesn't get more American than that!
...
Yeah, yeah, I know. Nevermind.
How about the book by that Dawkins guy? The God Delusion?
Now that would be silly. I wouldn’t swear an oath on that guy. I respect him and all, but I don’t want that going to his head. Hmm… how about a banana? Y’know, an allusion to the whole evolution thing. I’m sure viewers would get a kick out of that.
A banana? Now that would be extremely silly.
Yeah, I know. I was only kidding. Ah, enough of this. Let me just swear that oath on a copy of the constitution and call it a day.
Very good, sir.

I was reading an entry from another blog I frequent that had this comment attached to it.

This comment got me wondering. Did this guy just change a pastor's world view? Oh man, it would be so awesome if he did. Could you imagine the pastor's sermon the next Sunday?

(Note: The following script reads best when read in the voice of an overexcited black preacher. I tried to write it as such, but it was both difficult to type and difficult to read.)
My friends! It seems that the heathen followers of Satan have found a new way to try and tempt us away from God's true path. I was sitting at the bus stop just the other day, and was confronted by one of these blasphemers. I tried to be polite, listening quietly to what he had to say, and what he said was shocking. He relegated all of these tales of charity and giving. Here we have a godless heathen acting like a good moral person. Well members, I saw through Satan's despicable act. I knew exactly what was going on. Mephistopheles was trying to use a little bit of reverse psychology. You see, the great Satan gave away money to charities. He did volunteer work to help the community. He has been an upright citizen in every way... except for one. He continued on his path against our savior Jesus Christ. Can I get an Amen! ("Amen!") Praise the Lord, praise the Lord. Fortunately, I made it out of that trap. Clearly, if this agent of Hell was doing good for the world, I would have to do just the opposite to prove my loyalty to God. Why, just as soon as I got off the bus, I personally kicked a baby in the face while the mother looked on. I said a little prayer, asking for forgiveness, and I knew God was smiling down upon me and my sinless ways. Now, everyone, it's time to read a random passage from the Bible. Let's just flip on through the pages here. Okay, looks like it's coming from the Old Testament this time, very good. It's the book Jesus himself read. Here we go. Leviticus 25:44... "Both thy bondmen, and thy-" Okay, that's, uh... quite enough for one day. Let us all clasp our hands and sing with the choir. Take it away ladies!

I have finals for the rest of the week; therefore, posts will be scarce. Picture somewhat related (I believe I've gone mad).

1. A slow cooker - as a very lazy person, I think it is only right that I possess what amounts to the laziest form of cooking. The very idea is amazing. You put all of your food into a big pot, turn it on, and then just forget about it for several hours. That's all. When you finally remember, "oh right, the soup!" It's already finished, warm, and ready to eat.
2. New PC speakers - these guys are getting a little old. It's critical that all of my pr0n maintains nothing less than the highest sound quality. Graphics? Ah... not so much.
3. The Demon-Haunted World (by Carl Sagan) - is it so wrong of me to want a book for Christmas? I've been hearing a lot of good things about this one, and I just want it. I'm sure authorities will forgive Santa for pirating a copy for me. Those elves have such a beautiful typeface.
4. A restraining order - you know who you are.
5. Religious bobble heads - I just think it would be neat to have a bunch of these, assuming they make them. I already have my Jesus bobble head on my desk, but I want a more complete set. I need some like Moses, Buddha, Shiva, Mohammad... well, maybe not that last one.

Let me say it right now, game series like Grand Theft Auto and Saint's Row do not make people violent. It's games like Animal Crossing that do:

Gods DAMMIT! If I catch another one of those f@#$ers again, I'm going to go shoot up a hospital! GAH! Blargh rah blah!

A conversation with my classmate, my words are represented in a violent shade of blue.

What are you drinking?
Milk.
Why?
… I… I didn’t realize I needed a reason to drink milk.
No, I mean, why are you drinking chocolate milk?
Because it’s tasty.
Aren’t you a little too old to be drinking chocolate milk?
Are you saying that you’re supposed to stop eating tasty things as you get older?
No, what I’m saying is that chocolate milk is generally considered a child’s drink in today’s culture.
I humbly decline the invitation to join in such lunacy. Chocolate milk is both delicious and nutritious, and loaded with the calories I need to get through the day.
That’s kinda what I’m saying. It’s loaded with sugars.
Well, that’s rather hard to avoid. Almost all foods nowadays are filled with sugar in some form or another. Have you taken a look at your bread recently?
You could drink regular milk.
What, is it more masculine than chocolate milk?
No, not really.
Exactly, and besides, it’s not as delicious as chocolate milk.
At least it doesn’t have as much sugar.
That's kinda my point. Besides, considering how hard I work, I would say that I need the additional calories. Just look at me; I’m wasting away.
So you’re saying it’s okay to take in all of that sugar as long as you burn it all off.
...
Right, pretend I never said anythig. But don’t you even have an inkling that it might be childish?
I refuse to consider health-consciousness and good taste childish.
Fine. Whatever.

(As you can see, universities remain the bastion of higher learning.)

I do believe I have found the greatest computer game ever created. It’s a game called Progress Quest. You see, it’s an role-playing game that takes all of the fun traits from such a game and shaves off all of the boring parts. Now, everyone that has played an RPG before knows that the most entertaining part is the character creation. This game comes through in spades. It offers a wealth of character customization options that allow you to create the ultimate fantasy character. After that, the game starts to automate all of the unnecessary functions, such as fighting enemies, purchasing weapons, completing quests, and progressing in the story. Basically, all the stuff that everyone hates doing. It’s a very satisfying game with some of the most realistic graphics I have ever seen. Just see this screenshot showing my character at an early stage of his adventure:

Truly epic. I cannot possibly recommend this game highly enough. Everyone needs this game on their PC. Considering its compact size, even the slowest computer can run it easily. It even has an online mode for the more competitive players. For those who fancy a battle with me, I’m on the “Pemptus” server. Bring it.

• Whenever a vendor tries to sell me something, I look up at what they’re selling, contort my face, look back, and say “you disgust me.” I then walk away without another word, with the hope that I just ruined that person’s day. I did that a while back to a vendor that was selling all natural skincare products. I smiled.
• I enjoy giving overly complicated answers to otherwise simple or rhetorical questions. I will admit, though, that I do sometimes do this without realizing, and it’s not as satisfying. Why is it that some people enjoy the smell of gasoline while others do not? Well, it all started with the Big Bang…
• Whenever somebody says something that sounds silly, I ask them for sources. I was doing this with my bigot grandma for quite a while, particularly with the president-elect. So you say the Black Panthers are going to become more active? Do you have any sources to back that up?
• Kitty cats!!!
• Taking full advantage of the right-on-red allowance to get past a long red light faster makes me feel clever. You see, you turn right when you stop, make a u-turn early on the road you're now on, then take another right and you're quickly and painlessly going the way you want to without having to idle as long. I can easily shave five to ten seconds off of my trip with this technique.

I heard an interesting phrase on the AM radio while on holiday (that’s all my grandmother listens to). I didn’t catch what they were referring to, but they called something “seriously deadly”. The leading thought stemming from this in my mind is: as opposed to what? I know I may make fun of it occasionally, but death is always pretty serious business. How is something deadly, but not seriously deadly? Is that like killing someone with one of those extendable punching gloves? Maybe the weapon in question kills you by instantly transforming all of your internal organs into monkeys dressed as famous sitcom characters (heh heh, Archie Bunker monkey). Honestly, I didn’t know the military had a weapon that could make death less serious. I’m intrigued. I remember a while ago they were designing a laser-type weapon that was supposed to make enemies incredibly uncomfortable and willing to surrender (do your own research; I don’t feel like digging out the article). If they can make enemies uncomfortable, maybe the military is making a new weapon that is designed to make enemies bored and literally bore them to death (Gurren Lagann!). Or maybe they have a weapon that tickles the enemies to death. That wouldn't be too serious.

Okay, looks like the end of the world is here. Everyone alright with Jesus? Good, good. Well, let me explain. I believe the end of the world is here for a very good reason. During my vacation, I saw somebody properly parallel park. This person did everything right: hit the directional, pulled ahead of the space, backed in, straightened out, and left the car. It was mind boggling. I had never seen a person outside of the drivers’ test actually parallel park. Everyone, even Tibetan monks, just drives forward into the spot. When I saw this happen, I actually had to leave the car I was riding in, pull out my ruler, and ensure that the person parked less than a foot from the curb (four freakin’ inches!). If I had the money, I would’ve written that man a check for a-hundred dollars, just for being the world’s biggest sheep for the DMV (or whatever your state calls the place where you get your license). I would then give him an additional thirty dollars if he promises to never drive again; because, he is clearly not the kind of person I would want to get stuck behind when driving. Nothing worse than a goody-good behind the wheel.