Okay loyal readers, my writer's block is not abating. I have come to ask for help. I need ideas. Lots of ideas. If any of you have any ideas or thoughts you want lampooned, please let me know. I'm at my wit's end here (see, I've resorted to clichés!).

"If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure." - Dan Quayle

Okay, let's see what the ol' horoscope has for me today. Alright, I'm a Leo, so...

Some financial issues are likely to be weighing on your mind today, and you might not totally trust someone else's judgment. Just realize that there could be some conflicts with those closest to you when it comes to the subject of money right now. And some of your dealings with other people might end up being a little hard for you to figure out at the moment.

Really? Some financial issues? I lost my job several weeks ago, I'm running on deficit spending, college has given me less time for the job hunt, and you're telling me that financial issues will weigh on my mind today? It would seem that my "no duh" sense is tingling. I don't see why they even bothered wasting this one on just Leos. They should've just used it as a blanket horoscope for all of the signs. Here we are, practically in a worldwide recession, and they want to tell Leos that today is their day to be stressed. Thanks for doling that out. Is it Sagittarius' turn tomorrow? I think those guys have been getting a free ride for too long. Oh, and what does it mean by those "closest to you"? I assume physically, because I can assure you that I keep all of humanity an equal distance away socially (what can I say, I'm all for human equality). That can't be my landlord, since she leaves before I wake up in the morning. Could it be my neighbor? Considering I've never spoken to her outside of a neighborly "good morning" when we meet leaving for the day, this may be a little tough to handle. That is, unless I decide to fulfill the prophecy myself and browbeat that household. I've always wanted to try my hand at extortion, at any rate. Well, let me wrap this up. I meant to check my "lovecast," which I assume was some sort of romantic horoscope, but I was afraid of what it might say.

You will be very, very lonely for the rest of your days you jobless schmuck.

(frowny face)

Because I'm too lazy to actually write something

(after the benediction given by Billy Mays and the swearing in of vice president Verne Troyer)

I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States... so help me gods.

Ladies and gentlemen, I stand here before you humbled by the honor that has been bestowed upon me. I believe that, together with help from the fine men and women behind me (except you, former president *wink*), I can help this country into a new golden age of prosperity (pause for crowd jubilation). We shall have clean energy! We shall have better schools! We shall have guaranteed social security! We shall find a cure for cancer and AIDS! We shall have a space station capable of destroying a planet with a single shot! With your help and my leadership, these dreams shall become a reality. I shall leave you today with a few parting words taken from a homegrown American movie that I am particularly fond of. It went something along the lines of "America, fuck yeah. Coming again to save the motherfucking day, yeah. America, fuck yeah. Freedom is the only way, yeah." Now, if you'll excuse me, it's only about twenty degrees out here and I'm freezing my presidential balls off. Thank you, America! See you on The Daily Show.

"Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard." - HL Mencken

After Pope Benedict XVI declared president Barack Obama to be the anti-Christ, the president boarded Air Force One and went straight to the Vatican to-

Wait just a moment Trixie, we have BREAKING NEWS!

*explosive graphics, crowd jubilation*

We have just received word that famed writer, philanthropist, computer geek, and all around big-dink Jimbo has been involved in a car accident. Details are still scarce as to how many died or how many cars were involved, but... Ah, yes, we're receiving more details through the earpiece... yes, it appears that, thankfully, no one was killed. Injured? Yes, and there were no injuries. The only injury, it seems, came from Jimbo's pride after the massive structural damage made to the front of his beloved station wagon. We here at JNN will keep you posted on any updates regarding this important and no-doubt overhyped turn of events. Now, back to whatever it was you were talking about, Trixie.

Yes, well, our thoughts are with Jimbo now. Let us hope for the best. Anyway, regarding the pope...

"The media pattern of equal time for nutjobs takes its name from the fact that, for whatever reason, Mass Media feels compelled to insert 'alternative viewpoints' into scientific articles from people who are obviously complete loons." – Drew Curtis

Yes, come on in Terry. You can have a seat if you'd like.
Thank you Mr. Sanders. What did you call me in for?
I think we both know why I called you in today.
I'm... I'm afraid I don't follow.
Look Terry, you're a great accountant and all, probably one of the best, but I think you are overstepping the boundaries of acceptable conduct. You have to stop eating people.
I'm sorry Mr. Sanders, but you know full well about my condition.
Damn affirmative action. Yes, I'm well aware of your cannibalism, but I'm going to ask that you stop eating your fellow employees.
I knew this was going to happen. This always happens. Why must you people always discriminate? Who I am should not determine whether I hold a job or not!
No, no, no, it's not like that, Terry.
Of course it is, don't lie. You just don't like cannibals and you don't want me here. I understand fully, but you said it yourself that I am one of the best accountants here. So long as I'm doing my job well, you can't just fire me because of who I am.
Ugh, look, let's work out a compromise. Can't you, maybe, eat some of our competitors instead? I know a couple of dickheaded vendors that you might like and-
What makes you think I would like them? See this is why I hate people like you. You always think you know what it's like, as if it's possible to just change who I am. Well, you're wrong. This conversation is over.
Wait, don't get up yet. Look, do whatever you want, but that isn't the only reason I called you in.
Eh?
Here, you've had a pay raise. Not much, but with the economy the way it is...
Thank you Mr. Sanders. Is there anything else?
No, just go.
Yes sir.

“I believe in compulsory cannibalism. If people were forced to eat what they killed, there would be no more wars.” - Abbie Hoffman

I believe that, given enough leniency, anything is equal to anything else.

"Woah! Like, video games in 3-D!" – Michelangelo

I have to admit, even though I'm a misanthrope, I liked Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. the Great, though I think he might have a few too many titles. Most of that like stems from his works as a civil rights activist and not his devilish handsomeness, despite what others may say. If it was not for his peaceful protesting, this country would not be blessed with a government mandated three day weekend (this would be much sweeter if I wasn't currently unemployed). It also gave the world some of the greatest History Channel footage of all time. To Hell with no talent hacks on a deserted island somewhere, the only "reality television" I need is watching the skin fly off of people pummeled with high pressure fire hoses. I also support any action that makes the majority feel like crap. It's just so much fun to watch, people who need to change their weltanschauung against their will. All we need now is a peaceful uprising to stop stormtrooper discrimination. They just want to be people too.

"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." – Martin Luther King Jr.

Alright folks, for my next trick I shall try something different. Today, I shall try to rationalize the Bible. I came to notice something that, in hindsight, stood out like an Asian KKK member. Okay congregation, let us open the good book to the very beginning of Genesis. Let us all repeat what was created and on what days: (1) light and the separation of night and day, (2) the "firmament", (3) land and plants, (4) sun, moon, stars (and, oddly, the separation of night and day again), (5) fish and birds, and (5... or 6 for those keeping count) land animals and man. Everybody knows this already; I was just rewriting it because I'm a misanthrope. The thing that I noticed is in the very next chapter. It claims that God created man before he created plants (2:4-7). At least, that's how I read it. I have read both the NIV and the KJV, and they both sounded a little ambiguous. It could just as well have meant that the plants were there, they just didn't sprout yet. Though, I guess that would be a bit silly since the animals that were created the day after next would have nothing to eat. More likely, somebody just didn't bother to proofread their work.

Ah, enough seriousness (not my forte); let us get silly. The reason that plants had to appear before and after man is because of the breed of plant that existed first. How can I put this eloquently? If you believe the story, then God is supposedly above us at all times. On the third day of creation, however, God was even more "high" than usual. Hard to blame Him, really, considering the plants He decided to create. I suppose being whacked out on the ganja would make anybody want to separate night and day a second time. Being a god, he needed to smoke A LOT of the stuff to feel anything, and needless to say he ended up smoking it all. Whoops.

"Anyone who can worship a trinity and insist that his religion is a monotheism can believe anything--just give him time to rationalize it. Forgive me for being blunt." - Robert Heinlein

I wonder what it would be like to wake up from a coma after several years. Do you wake up hungry? Do you wake up feeling well rested and refreshed? If you fell into a coma drunk, do you have a hangover when you wake up? It's a fascinating topic. I don't have any medical expertise, so all of my thoughts are purely conjectural and I have no intention of doing research (I'm a busy man; my apathy isn't going to placate itself). The worst part is probably all of the time that was lost (all of the video games not played). Hospitals should have rehabilitation centers for such things. Not just for the physical problems, but for the chronological problems. How would you explain an mp3-player to someone who was in a coma for fifteen years? How do you explain the Bush presidency? How do you explain "reality television" (I've lived for its existence and I still haven't come up with an answer)?

On second thought, a person coming out of a coma would be a great practical joke victim. Oh, think of all the mental abuse. Upon waking, you can tell him that the Rapture occurred, and his vegetative state meant he didn't pray enough to go to Christ's side. It might not work as well on an atheist, but imagine the look on a Christian's face. Priceless! Ooh, or maybe they could have all the nurses and doctors dress as mimes. I know I would voluntarily go back into a coma with that bleak a promise of the present. I wonder if the doctor's could get the little girl from The Ring to scare the piss out of the awakened. Wait, that may not work. They might not get the reference. Freddy Kruger would be better... or maybe just a doctor with a meat cleaver, a bunch of blood on his coat, and a creepy grin.

"Sleeping is no mean art: for its sake one must stay awake all day." – Friedrich Nietzsche

I've been thinking of adding quotes to each of my posts. I'll see where it goes.