I noticed something interesting as I was moving my unemployed mass through the mall to feed my addiction of living beyond my means. I noticed that there was a startling lack of fun throughout the lanes. When I first moved to the area, this mall had it all. It had a DVD shop, arcade, a geek collectible shop, two toy stores, and two video game stores. Now, however, the DVD shop, collectible shop, and arcade have disappeared, the toy stores are going out of business, and the two video game stores has fallen to one (LameStop). Now it seems that the mall is biblically flooded with clothing shops. I'm sure there are some people who enjoy shopping for clothes, but those people are clearly inexplicable anomalies (i.e. women). For me, shopping for clothing rests on the fun scale somewhere between sleeping in a tub of razor wire and dressing as Hitler in a Jewish neighborhood (actually, that last one sounds a bit fun. Let me move it up the list.). Whenever I walk in, my eyelids get heavy and my heave-deep-sigh mechanisms switch into overdrive. I think that this mall and malls in general need more fun places (this, of course, does not apply to the Mall of America, which is basically a city in and of itself). Every mall should be required to have: an arcade, a video game store, a DVD/music retailer, a toy store, a shooting range, a ball pit, and a Linens 'n Things. This will make malls far more entertaining for all people. Remember, if we are not equal, we are not free.

By Jimbo
Jimbo News Network – Actual News Department

Stunning news is coming in today from an university in the island nation of Japan. A professor there decided to use his amazing logical prowess not only to fondle his female students, but also to avoid any legal consequences at the same time. The logic went as follows (disclaimer: use of this logic is not endorsed or condoned by Jimbo News Network or any of its affiliates): The professor would call in the targeted female student and make the claim that he could touch her without laying a finger on her. The student would be rightfully dubious. The professor continued by wagering that if he could not pull it off, he would pay the girl ¥1,000 (~US$2.38). The girl, with the sudden promise of money, readily agreed to the bet. The professor, without missing a beat, pulled out his wallet, laid out the losing bet ahead of time, and proceeded to fondle the girl's lovely lady lumps. When confronted, he would calmly explain that, by taking the bet, she consented, and any legal action would fall through. The girls, being only students of logic, were unable to see through this fog of failed thinking, and remained silent. This went on for twenty years until one student finally told the authorities that she agreed to be fondled in exchange for cash. The professor was summarily arrested and presumably beaten. (sauce - sauce's sauce)

Clearly, the one thing that should be blamed out of all of this is logic. Logical thinking was the enabler that allowed this professor to continue fondling (note to editor: I don't have my Thesaurus handy. Be sure to mix up all the instances of "fondle" with other similar words). Logic is a curse that can allow people to do all sorts of vile things like fondle women, fondle men, fondle hermaphrodites, or even fondle The Fonz. Jimbo News Network reminds you that if you see anyone using logic that goes against the Knowledge Of Jimbo, they should be reported to the Friendly Jimbo Thought Police or, better, shot.

In all due honesty, this season looks to be terrible. The only real contenders this time around were here from last time around. All the new series look terribly dull. Well, here are my thoughts on the series that I will be following these next few months. Once again, they are presented in order of priority.

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The more I think about it, the more I realize that polytheistic, ancient religions just make a lot more sense. You see, the monotheistic religions all believe in an all-powerful god that is perfect, benevolent, and generally interested in whatever you silly humans have to say. This quickly falls apart, however, with a little observation. The world is not "perfect" in the strictest sense meaning that everything is fish-and-chips (figuratively). With all the evil in the world, this solitary parental unit is not completely benevolent. Not being interested I can understand a little. Heck, I find it hard enough to be interested in people's affairs, so the chances of a higher being caring come close to nil.

Anyway, back to the point at hand. Polytheistic beliefs apply more realistically to a real world environment. You see, no one god is perfect. Each has His or Her own niche, followers, morality level, and favorite pizza topping. They were also a promiscuous lot. They would shag just about anything (did you really think the Virgin Mary was a virgin?). This proves better reasoning for evolution, rather than the "God just said so" argument. I'm sure that godly bestiality would cause all sorts of mutations in the gene pool. They threw the whole "benevolence" hogwash out the window like a broken sink. These guys and gals did what they wanted, when they wanted. Want to start a war against the forces of chaos? These godheads prepare all of their favorite weapons: tsunamis, hurricanes, plagues, El Niño, &c. They will occasionally care for humanity, but again only when they feel like it. The God of Plenty, or whatever name is attached, will occasionally offer a bountiful crop harvest or spawn an ice cream truck on a hot summer day. The gods are drunkards, addicts, and quite accident prone. I hate to constantly drag the poor beast out, but just look at the platypus. That just isn't right. Clearly, the bird god and the mammal god had a drunken one night stand for that one.

Talking out of my posterior, am I? Of course I am, but I dare you to prove me wrong. All hail the Golden Goddesses: Din, Farore, and Nayru!

This image is how I remember my childhood. I think it explains very well why I am the way I am (a pessimist).

I don't think we are ever going to see a high-tech suicide machine. You see, such a suicide machine would require an inventor, and the only person that would invent such a device would be a suicidal person (pfft, as if you'll find data to refute my statement). This arrangement can lead to only two possible outcomes.

A: The inventor creates the suicide contraption and summarily uses it. That's it. Never bothers to market it, patent it, peddle it to emo kids through Facebook adverts. Nothing.
B: The inventor spends days and, possibly, weeks designing, assembling, and testing the device that by the time it is complete, he or she completely forgets the reason for suicide in the first place. He* realizes that if he can complete such a project and make something to be proud of, he can actually do something with his life. This, I think, is the most likely scenario. In my mind, suicide is very much a spur of the moment decision. You say to yourself, "I can't believe we're out of Miracle Whip. I'm gonna hang myself from this door frame." If you actually take the time to do something eccentric, you lose the feeling. You set up a beautiful Rube Goldberg contraption that will marvel the police and paramedics, and after all the time it took to set it up, you lose interest in killing yourself (let it loose on the dog instead). That said, the device will likely find its way to the back of the closet as the inventor resumes breathing.

* Fine, I used a masculine pronoun. Don't think I let you ladies off the hook. The only reason for it is because the politically correct amalgamated pronoun "he or she" takes a few microseconds longer to type and just reads oddly.

Vacancy Announcement Number: ############

Opening Date: January, 5 2009
Closing Date: December, 21 2012

Position: God-King / Emperor
Salary: Negotiable
Place of Work: Small country in Central America, Caribbean, Middle East, or South-East Asia
Position Status: Permanent position - Full time
Number of Vacancy: 1

Duties: Placed into the role of god-king / emperor in the US government's employ. Must be willing to pass US favorable measures, but also willing to act inhumanely. How inhumanely is left to the employee's discretion, but it must be inhuman enough to balance out the pro-US policies. The goal is to confuse American sentiments. Must frequently attend lavish parties and have every whim fulfilled by underpaid servants. Poses for photo opportunities with soldiers and citizens in an effort to gain worldwide sympathy. A uniform with faux awards will be issued upon acceptance.

Who May Apply:

• All US citizens and Nationals with allegiance to the United States.

Qualifications:

• High school graduate / GED
• At least three years experience in managing human resources
• Facial hair

A therapy session with the voice cast of the Metal Gear Solid series. I lol'd.

Coming soon to a black market near you! It's the newest Chinese animation sensation straight from the shores of honest China! It is a tale of growth as a group of four teenagers experience changes with their bodies. It is a tale of action in a world where action is frowned upon. It is a tale of acceptance in a world where they are not accepted. It is -

The tale begins after a toxic accident left nuclear waste flowing freely into the lower Shanghai sewers. Here, four young alligators mutated into large, humanoid creatures. They are taken in by a mutated, sentient bamboo plant. The bamboo plant, Sliver, gave each a name from a book of great artists: John, Paul, George, and Ringo. It trained them in the way of the ancient Japanese samurai. They became invisible vigilantes, cleaning up the mean streets of Shanghai. Their lives turned around, however, after a chance encounter with American journalist May McLoughlin. Their secret is discovered, but due to Chinese journalism restrictions, it remains secure. They do, however, now have a more secure source of their favorite food: Doufu. Be sure to catch all of their misadventures at a black market dealer near you. (INTERPOL disclaimer: piracy is stealing)

Okay everyone, I suppose it's time I come clean. Despite what you might assume, I am actually the son of God. Don't guffaw; there are actually a lot of us. Daddy is a promiscuous one. He's particularly fond of virgins. It seems to me that He is "imparting knowledge" upon His creation. Anyway, the point is that there are a lot of God's children walking the planet. Before you ask, no, you are not one of them. Trust me; I'm one with God so I know exactly what you're thinking.

Though there are a lot of us, we mostly keep to ourselves. The last time one of us came out, he ended up getting tortured and killed. We told him it was a stupid idea, but he thought he would "change the world". He did a couple parlor tricks, which pale compared to what we can actually do, and gained some followers. These guys were nut jobs. I never met them, personally, but even Dad said they were whacked out.

Yes, yes, I can do all those nifty things that you would expect a child of God to do. Turning water to wine? Easy, but I'm no alcoholic. Walking on water? Hard to do when the water is choppy, but not impossible. Getting other people to walk on water? Not overly useful, unless you're pranking somebody. Geez, I wish you would break away from the New Testament. That's all easy stuff. Use your imagination. Remember, children are each one half of their parents, and half of infinity is still an infinity, I have all the powers of the infinite. Cure cancer? I could, but it would probably be worse for the world as a whole. There's already an overpopulation problem, and my siblings and I haven't even done anything yet. Feed the hungry? Please, the food we can create most easily is manna, and frankly it tastes like crap. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Dad experimented with that stuff years ago, but the test was biased and inconclusive.

I'm sure you have many more questions for me. I suppose I kept my lineage hidden for a while. Still, I gotta go. I'm currently unemployed and need to find a job. While I would love to just create a job out of thin air or smite someone in a position I want, that would just be unethical.