I decided to share with you all an excerpt of a conversation between myself (person A for awesome) and a classmate (person B for banal) that I thought was entertaining.

[...]
Person A: Pfft, of course I know how to use a tampon.
Person B: Oh really?
A: Yeah, you slide the thing in about halfway, push the one end into the other, pull off the outside, and make sure the string is sticking out. Easy.
B: And how did you come to know this?
A: I used to have a vagina.
B: ...
A: Because they put the instructions in the bloody box! I learned it when I was a kid and needed something to read while on the crapper. Geez, don't look at me like that.

(Note: It's probably best that you don't ask how the conversation led up to tampons.)

If I was a believer in such things, I think it would be neat for God and Satan to get into another big war. Picture it: the fields of Megiddo, God's army of angels, Satan's huge army of bloodthirsty sinners. Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! It would just be so much fun to be a part of. Not as a combatant, of course. I'm far too much of a coward for that. I meant purely as a spectator, watching it on the morning news or something.

I figure there would be two possible outcomes. Either God plays to his omnipotence from the start (option A) or God lets it go on for a while to build on the "free will" shtick humanity abused for so long (option B). Option A would be great for the first few moments, but after that you'll feel cheated. Mephistopheles' legions are charging forward into the mass of angels when suddenly their weapons transform into pillows, flowers, and Pixy Stix. God would look at this change, and see that it was good. Some of Beelzebub's army, so full of bloodlust, would charge forward without weapons, but God's angels would calmly mow them down with divine machine gun fire. Everyone else will just go back home (Hell) cursing under their breath.

Option B would be far more entertaining. They would just really go at it. The angels and the believers would have to give their all to combat the significantly larger force of fallen angels, sinners, and nonbelievers. If God keeps his omnipresent nose out of things this time, I think Satan might actually pull things off. The only problem I can see arising is if Lucifer decides to directly challenge God Himself again. He just doesn't know when to accept his winnings and leave before losing it all. He will, though, and God will just... do nothing? Now that I think about it, Satan seems to get away with a lot after rebelling against God.  Is he really even being punished?

"My name is Legion, for we are many." – Satan(s?)

Fu fu fu~ Are you afraid of the dark?

For those who haven't already... you can vote for it here.

You see, I was driving down the road and thinking about what kind of songs you would use to woo a woman you fancy. It's quite fascinating. The way I figure it, you should pick a song that has something to do with her. It would be easy if you remembered her name. For an Amanda, you have "Amanda" by Boston. Carrie has "Carrie" by Europe. Melissa has "Melissa" by The Allman Brothers Band. Eileen has "Come on Eileen" by Dexy's Midnight Runners. Janie has "Janie's Got a Gun" by Aerosmith. Oh, I could just go on. It's all too easy. Of course, you could still get by with less information. If you know her profession, then you have "Roxanne" by The Police for hookers or "Lovely Rita" by The Beatles for meter maids... Actually, now that I think on it more, The Beatles might be a cop out. They've made so many songs that the real challenge would be finding a topic they haven't covered. Anyway, suppose you knew nothing about her personally. For blondes, you have "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton. For brown eyes, you have "Brown-eyed Girl" by Van Morrison. For an Asian... well, you could take a shot in the dark with "China Girl" by David Bowie. Hey, if you're wrong about the nationality, that at least gives you something to talk about.

Anyway, all of this was taking up a lot of my brain processes, and that's why I slammed into the rear end of your car. Can I get your insurance information?

"If art were to redeem man, it could do so only by saving him from the seriousness of life and restoring him to an unexpected boyishness." - John Lennon

I saw a video before demonstrating how two candles can work in place of a Wii sensor bar. I was curious and tried it myself. Sure enough, it worked. This video is in three parts. First, it shows a control with the sensor bar on. I then unplug it, and try it again with the lit candles in place. It still works. I then put the candles down on my table, and sure enough they still worked. Sorry, for the low quality, but if you look closely you can see the hand moving across the screen.

Oh, I also tried it with some Marshmallow Peeps, but that didn't work out.

Hang in there, baby

I'll admit, I decided to rent this movie solely because I saw the idea of John Travolta voice acting an animated dog as too hilarious to pass up. What I did not expect was a thoroughly entertaining movie with fun characters, a Homeward Bound-esque plot, and John Travolta sounding more like a young person than most young persons. This leads me to assume that he's some sort of cyborg, but I digress.

The plot of the movie was good and all, but what I really enjoyed was just the characters and how their personalities bounced off of each other. You have the titular Bolt who thinks that he is some genetically altered super beast and learns through the course of the movie that he is, in fact, a complete loser. I like to think that, contrary to the movie's real ending, he winds up turning to drugs and alcohol and later winds up dead in a dumpster somewhere. Next is the obsessive fanboy hamster that, honestly, seemed to hit a little close to home in his "satire". The third and final main character is my favorite of them all: the New Yorker mob queen named Mittens. She is the sarcastic, down-to-earth character that just made the perfect foil to all the other characters in the film. I can think of only two words to describe Mittens: she's adorable and a bitch. Sure, they seem mutually exclusive, but you'd understand if you saw the movie. Of course, there were several side characters. There was the human Penny, who acted suspiciously like the Penny from Inspector Gadget after dying her hair and turning to bulimia. There were also the various pigeons, each with their own accents and attitudes that changed with the local.

As another CG movie, it's really hard to complain about the graphics. Really, has there been a CG movie lately that did not look pretty? My biggest quarrel with the art style was the eyes. They made those things so big and shiny that I feared my pupils would never dilate again. The voice-acting was great, but considering it's Disney behind it, I expected no less. If you have as much money and brand recognition as that powerhouse, you could have anybody you wanted. John Travolta played a great Bolt; they hired an authentic New Yorker for Mittens; they actually had one of the story artists play the hamster, Rhino. My only gripe was with Miley Cyrus, who played Penny. As with seemingly all Disney Automaton School graduates, she speaks with what can only be described as a nails-on-a-chalkboard style.

My biggest gripe with the film is Penny's motorized scooter. What the hell? It seemed like the thing could hold its own on the highway and travel faster than missiles. I mean, I haven't done much research on motorized scooters, but I always pictured them as vehicles that hardly even reach double digit MPH. There was one scene where a group of military helicopters was bearing down on her and she busts out her motorized scooter. I started laughing out loud visualizing her hopping on and "speeding away" at a blistering five miles per hour. I was thoroughly heart-broken when the thing took off like a drag racer and easily evaded the enemies. Shame on you Disney.

Over this past weekend, I watched three movies: Kung Fu Panda, Milk, and this one. Bolt topped them all quite easily. Kung Fu Panda was very bland, while Milk was fascinating but a complete snooze-fest for the first three-quarters. On the whole, I would give Bolt a resounding 9.107 / 10.0. It got points docked for its occasional betrayal of physics and its sudden, jarring cut to a happy ending. Really, I would have preferred my drug-addled TV washout ending.

I know I may get a lot of flak for saying this, but I think it's a good thing to have some words made taboo. I mean the so-called "cuss words". A lot of people try to make the argument that they are just words, and should not be restricted. Well, that's all horse manure. They should remain tethered because it simply makes them more useful in relieving stress. Okay, say you drop a heavy object on your foot. Exclaiming something that is socially acceptable simply isn't as effective at relieving pain as a loud, heartfelt "God damn it!" Now, I took a psychology class in high school, so I have enough authority to tell you that this momentary pain relief is directly linked to the word's repulsion. You are defying authority, which gives a certain internal amount of satisfaction that one cannot experience with socially acceptable words, such as "gosh darn" or "hot sauce." If all words were free game, then you would not have these taboos to reach to. You would be forced to make do with a meaningless stream of generic words that no one cares about. You may as well just remain silent. I mean, when you... you... ha... CATCHOO!

GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING SHIT ALLERGIES! I HATE THE DAMN SPRINGTIME!

"Fuck!" - Every single English-speaking person on the planet

By Jimbo
Jimbo News Network

Concerned parents, Conservatives, and anime fans are in an uproar over the proposed marketing campaign for Nickelodeon-Mattel flagship brand "Dora the Explorer". The makeover, releases tell JNN, will involve allowing the titular Dora to age, which is something unheard of in most American cartoons, into a 10-year-old "tween". The saga began in early March when Nickelodeon released a silhouetted image of the older Dora. Almost immediately, concerned parents cried foul, slinging such descriptors as "streetwalker" and "tramp". Nickelodeon, in the lightning speed generally reserved for covering one's ass, issued another release claiming that these concerned parents need not be concerned. In reviewing their design documents, they have confirmed that they did not, initially, set out to make Dora a hussy (sauce). The concerned parents, being the kind and understanding people they are, said "okay" and moved on to be concerned about something else.  

Other groups are still feeling worried about the transformation, however. Senior Japanese anime industry correspondent, Jimbo, claims that Nickelodeon is using this ploy as a way to muscle into the young-adult anime fan demographic. "The traits are fairly obvious, really," he explains. "The larger proportioned eyes, the dynamic hair, the skirt, the... curves... mmm, excuse me. What were we talking about?" He claims that this is doing nothing to help the already hopelessly shut-in attitude of fans in the country. By introducing an authentically American character, he fears that fans' already twisted views of reality may be further deteriorated, particularly towards Hispanic women.  

Political Conservatives are also decrying the change, claiming that Dora the Explorer is already polluting the minds of the young. By allowing her to age, the Liberal media is extending their reach even further into a child's development. The series encourages such radical ideas as environmentalism and exploration, while paying little to no lip service to such right-wing concerns as the Bible and industrial growth.

Representatives for the pedophiles camp were unavailable for comment.

As with New Coke some years ago and the recent repackaging and un-repackaging of Tropicana orange juice, altering an established brand such as Dora the Explorer is something Nickelodeon is taking very seriously. No one has forgotten just what happened with the teenage Rugrats spin-off.

Attention people of Earth. We are life forms hailing from The Planet Formerly Known as Prince, and we come to you not for battle but with a simple request. Please stop considering us perfect, benevolent beings that are capable of anything. While we are vastly... vastly superior to you in many ways, we are still similar to you. All of our power is in our use of tools. Think about it. In your measuring scheme, our planet is billions of light-years away and these saucers aren't exactly freight haulers. We barely have enough room for all of the death rays and rectal probes. We're not going to waste our time going back and forth with various different tools to help improve your way of life. Do you realize just how many life sustaining planets there are? Don't think you're so special that you deserve special treatment. We are just here to gather some information and leave. While we certainly don't want to get worked up over this, we just don't want you all to get the wrong idea. We're just out here doing our job. Now, sit still while I erase your memories. We just wanted to get this off of our chest. Oh, and do something about your hygiene habits. It takes us hours to clean the stink from the examination pods.

"All your base are belong to us." - Cats