People I would like to hear sing The Star-Spangled Banner before a sports game, in no particular order:

1. Fred Schneider – Lead singer of The B-52s
2. Tarja Turunen – Former lead singer of Nightwish
3. Yoda – Former Jedi master
4. Alex Varkatzas – Lead singer of Atreyu
5. Stephen Hawking – Physicist
6. David Hayter – Voice actor for Solid Snake
7. Donald LaFontaine – Former movie trailer voiceover guy
8. Darth Vader – Former Sith apprentice
9. GLaDOS – Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System
10. Morgan Freeman - ...Nevermind. I would be too afraid of damaging that divine voice.

"Long to reign over us: God save the Queen." - UK National Anthem

Well folks, it looks like it finally happened. The United States has practically declared war on the one true faith, Pastafarianism, the way of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. If you have been paying attention to the news at all, you should be aware of the piracy off the coast of Africa. Recently, American troops rescued a captured cargo freighter captain by shooting the pirates with sniper rifles. As freakin' awesome as that may be, this is practically a declaration of war. Pirates are the Flying Spaghetti Monster's chosen people, and an assault on one is an assault on all. As I'm writing this, the United States government is preparing to freeze pirate assets and encourage more international cooperation in suppressing the ways of His Noodley's people. With the recent events, I have no doubts that this will quickly escalate to a shooting war. (sauce)

So followers, ready your cutlasses and make sure the powder is dry, because it's jihad time.

I bought a guitar! Now I just need to learn how to play the bloody thing.

Wait, where are the colored buttons?

Is... is that Stephen Colbert in the latest episode of House?

Er... Hello officer.
Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?
N-No... not really
Do you realize how fast you were going?
I didn't realize.
You were going 44 miles per hour.
But, isn't the speed limit 45?
Yes, sir. Yes it is.
I don't understand.
I pulled you over for being a complete ass. This is a single lane road and you are going far too slow. Did you not notice the cavalcade forming behind you?
But-
No "buts". You are just going far too slow, and worst of all, you were in my way. I am afraid there are no warnings for this kind of behavior. I'm going to have to ask you for your license. Since you are obviously in no fucking hurry, you can just walk home.

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by Jimbo
Jimbo News Network

After a recent Ku Klux Klan summit, leaders from the controversial group have issued a press release stating their aims at helping the environment. Their primary aim is to cut carbon emissions from Klan activities. One of the greatest changes is the switch from burning to fluorescent crosses. "We light the cross as a reminder to members' faith," says a leading Klansmember. "We are protecting the world and our way of life from all threats: Jews, niggers, queers, chinks, and even our own carbon emissions."

The switch was only one of the many proposed greening ideas to come out of the meeting. Other plans include, but are not limited to, cleaning robes with chlorine-free bleach, using 100% recycled lynching ropes, and investing in hybrid vehicles. "We hope this will clean up our image and encourage new members to join in the cause," continues the Klansman. "We are always fighting in the interest of the world."

Various environmental organizations are lauding the decision. "These are the kinds of gradual changes in the world that we need," says a leading member of People for Ecological and Environmental Protection Systems (PEEPS). "Sure, they may be a disgusting and hate-filled organization that does little but piss people off, but at least they are trying to help the environment, so it all evens out." Other PEEPS members refused comment.

Some of you may know this, but I have an old car. Really old. ("How old is it?") My car is so old that it can legally get a driver's license for itself (rimshot). It's old, but I'm used to it. I'm in complete control and like that. Now, my dad is going on a business trip for the weekend and wants me to look after his car. He seemingly doesn't like leaving it in airport parking. This is a little odd, considering Virginia traffic is basically synonymous with airport parking (rimshot). So now I have his car for the weekend. It's considerably newer than my current car. ("How new is it?") It's so new that things in the back of my refrigerator have seen more sunsets (rimshot). Sadly, this new car has so many new features that my Flintstones-trained driving ability can't comply with. It took me almost fifteen minutes of confounded fiddling to realize that the headlights turned on automatically (rimshot). If you know me, you know I'm a control freak. I don't like all of these automated features. It feels like I'm losing control. I worry for the future where your car will not allow you your free right to drive recklessly (rimshot). Plus, as the greatest sin against freedom, it's an automatic transmission. I say "give me stick shift or give me death." There's a nice dent on the floor now where my left foot continuously crashed down in an effort to depress a nonexistent clutch (rimshot). Hey, thanks a lot. You've been a great audience. Be sure to ask your waiter for the veal. We don't serve veal here, but the waiter doesn't know that, so it should be fun to watch. (hiyooooo!) G'night all!

Finally, after all this wait, I went out of my way to see the new Jim Carrey movie Yes Man. Twice I tried to see it in theatres, but at the last minute decided to see something else, and regretted both instances. Now I finally took that chance to rent it, watch it, and feel my hopes and dreams crash around it. In true movie review fashion, this movie can best be described with a sound-byte. This movie is...

"A glorious display of mediocrity" – Jimbotainment Weekly

I'll admit to liking most Jim Carrey movies (I'll pretend The Number 23 never existed). I like his high energy, slapstick humor shtick. Liar Liar is one of my favorite movies of all time, and Bruce Almighty is right up there. This movie, however, seems to lack most of the energy of his previous masterpieces. It gets so bogged down with social commentary that the "humor" feels out of place. I put quotes around "humor" simply because there were never any truly laugh out loud moments. There were a few chuckles, but never the knee-slappers of yesteryear. Sigh... I hope Carrey clears things up before the release of the new Three Stooges in 2010.

The plot is, to put it lightly, awkward. It is so unrealistic that I felt my inner statistician screaming "this is some BULLSH~T" at the television. To its favor, the movie is like a long lesson on Chekhov's gun. In the first half of the movie, Carrey's character, whose name isn't important enough to remember, says "yes" to a bunch of seemingly random things. These things eventually play a much bigger role in the latter half of the movie, as they help him to save a suicidal man, plan a bridal shower, and even get accused of terrorism. I told you the plot was awkward.

I'm not too sure how I feel about a very obvious facet of the movie. Almost constantly, the film seems to advertise other Warner Bros franchises with all the subtlety of a volcanic eruption (or Obama-based media coverage). You will see frequent allusions to 300, the Harry Potter film series, and, if you look closely, The Goonies. Most of the time I saw these advertisements as hilarious. Why would Warner Bros even need to do this? At the same time, it was troublesome. Why would Warner Bros even need to do this?

The ending is the only pro worth mentioning. I don't mean the plot string tying ending; I mean the silly final minute that has nothing to do with the plot, but was inserted purely for, if you'll allow a bit of modern vernacular, "the lulz." I thought it was very clever. No, I won't reveal it, but it's probably not safe for work.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying this movie is bad. It's just tepid. It earns a thoroughly average 7.50000/10.23. If you want to see it, go ahead. If not, I won't blame you.

And now for something completely different. It's that time of year again. Time for another heart-pounding adventure into Jimbo's life to see what anime he's following this season. He's still heart-broken over Clannad's ending, but this season should ease the pain. As usual, all of the series are listed in order of priority.

Natsu no Arashi
Genre: comedy

One of the characters in this picture is completely insane.
This anime is a shining example of what I like to call a "random crap happens" series. Basically, you take a handful of characters and then stuff happens to them without any true plot to speak of. I'm normally ambivalent to such series, but this one turned out to be unique and genuinely entertaining. The artwork is awkward at times, but the hook makes up for it. A bunch of girls are capable of jumping back into time and altering the past. While some series would try to take this seriously and make it into some drama with romantic tensions, this time it's purely comedy. I definitely wasn't expecting this series to top the list, but I had more fun with it than any of the others, so here it is!

Chi's New Address
Genre: adorable

My cat used to do this.
Do I really need to go into this? I've been following Chi's Sweet Home for so long that there really isn't any need to mention its second season. I'm sure that, given the chance, this series could stop all war in the world with the raw, awesome power of adorable-ness.

Asura Cryin'
Genre: supernatural... sorta

For those that don't watch anime, this sort of thing happens all the time.
Oh, only in anime can you mix together romance, ghosts, warring secret societies, and giant robots into one anime that is actually entertaining. I was a little dismayed when it started with the line "where... am I?" Usually a series that starts with something like that will have a dreadful and convoluted ending that leaves me coughing up blood, but this series is so schizophrenic that it's hard to tell what path it will take. At times it is a light-hearted romance, at others it's some sort of comedy, and later it becomes some sort of supernatural action thing. I love the first two, but the third is making me hesitant.

The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi-chan & Nyoro~n Churuya-chan
Genre: comedy

I wish girls could come out of my computer...
These are the two Haruhi spinoffs that exist exclusively on YouTube. What is there really to say about them? They are hilarious. Since each episode is only around five minutes long, there really isn't any reason not to watch these.

Tayutama: Kiss on my deity
Genre: harem(?)

If ever I needed to point out a cliché scene in anime, I can say "pretty much that".
If there was ever an anime season without an obligatory harem anime, I wouldn't know what to do. Cannibalism, probably. This one fills the gap, I assume. I have so far met only two of the harlots, but it definitely seems like a series that will insert more characters in whatever ways possible. I'm thinking the next character will paradrop in. Heck, the first and seemingly primary girl was willed into existence by a god, so clearly subtlety is not necessary. My biggest problem with the series is that all the while I was watching it, I could think only of Hall & Oates. "[Because your kiss] Your kiss is on my list. [Because your kiss] Your kiss I can't resist. Because your kiss is on my list... of the best things in liiiiiiiiife~"

K-ON!
Genre: slice-of-life

Nine out of ten experts agree that you should not do this with your guitar.
This anime follows the adventures of a seemingly functionally retarded high school student as she joins a music club even though she can't play the guitar, let alone keep her attention on any one thing for more than three seconds. The story focuses on the members of this club as they try to do... something. I, honestly, don't know where this series is going, but the likely answer is nowhere. Not that there's a problem with that; I usually enjoy such "plots". With such an anime, I would latch onto a character lamprey-like and just feed off of the development. The problem with K-ON! is that I simply cannot find a likable character for my parasitic existence to prey on. They are just hideous blobs of unappealing (to my tastes) moé traits that have about as much subtlety as a freight locomotive.

I never understood why Christians and other religious types keep hauling out Pascal’s Wager, as if that is some magical answer to make you believe. The way I see it, if you’re serious about Pascal’s Wager, then Satanism is probably the way to go. If your basis of religion is on a wager, then there are probably still lingering doubts, which means a warm place in Hell is reserved just for your lack of faith. You may as well try to get on Satan’s good side. It is my understanding that he is just a fallen angel whose pride made him want to take God’s throne. With an ego that big, I’m sure a little brown-nosing would go over well; his pride would eat that up (“brown-nosing” and “eat that up” probably shouldn’t go together).

Look, if you just arbitrarily move the “believe” switch to the on position, you’ll probably too far gone. You’ve sinned too much too long to be able to confess it all and ask for forgiveness. There’s also your damning doubt. You’ll be sent to Hell anyway. Instead of an eternity of agonizing, God’s-love-filled punishment, you’ll spend your time with Satan. Sure, he’ll probably be a prick, but you’ll definitely be in a better position than the other schmucks. Who knows, maybe Lucifer will send you on some errands, like tempting some religious goody-goody to steal gum or testing somebody’s faith by knocking his house down and freezing his bank accounts. The fallen angels have all the fun.

“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.” – Paradise Lost