It seems that a fun new game is spreading through Xanga; I picked it up from Axis_of_Doom. Basically, per request, you are given five questions to answer on your blog. After answering them, you have to give five questions to anyone that asks for them in your comments, and they must post them with their answers.

1. Who are some of your favorite bloggers?
This is a rather straightforward question. I read more than a few blogs, even though I don't know all the bloggers. Outside of Xanga, I most frequently keep up with:
http://kotaku.com/
http://www.sankakucomplex.com/
http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/
http://www.gamepolitics.com/
http://www.oddee.com/
http://hontouni.com/taihendesu/
http://gonintendo.com/
http://www.thetanooki.com/
http://www.venganza.org/
There are some others that I read, but just not as often as those. Within Xanga, I only have a relative few subscriptions:
Zerowing21
Da__Vinci
Drung888
Denigma21
LadyLibellule
The_Brink_of_Omniscience
WAR_ON_ERROR
GodAintGood
methodElevated
XxplasmadragonxX
In_Reason_I_Trust
Argenis_sama
A0u
GodlessLiberal
Bosefius
XfantomcatX
ChrisRusso
Trotsky311
Happily_godless
Valkyrie6
goldenj2384@mancouch
CynicalPsychologist
There is also one from some guy supposedly named Jimbo and another that had something to do with goat-mastering, but I won't mention those. There are also some personal (read: banal) blogs that I will refrain from mentioning, as well.

2. What are some of your all-time favorite video games?
Oh, there are lots of them. My top ten are, in order: Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, The Sims 2, Harvest Moon: Magical Melody, Galaga, Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Sonic the Hedgehog 2, Super Mario Bros. 3, Guitar Hero III, Civilization IV, and Portal. I own a ton of games, though. You can see them all at my Playfire account, if you're really curious.

3. Would you like a pet hamster?
Short answer: No
Long answer: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Hamsters are cute and all, but they're too small and hyper. Plus, they're not that menacing. I want something that sits in my lap that I can calmly stroke while pensive. Something like a cat or a Chia pet.

4. If you could totally take over the world, how would you do it?
I'd do it with an army of overzealous religious missionaries. For the longest time, I wanted to take over the world through military conquest, but as I got older I realized how infeasible that was. The people would resent you, it would be difficult to make people happy, and it would be very costly. I figure taking advantage of some religion would not only be more satisfying, it would be cheaper, you would have better "soldiers," and I could place myself as some authority figure to hold complete power without doing so much as claiming only I can communicate with the deity.

5. Assuming you had total domination over all mankind (stemming from above), what would you do with all that power?
Contemplate my memoirs... in my Bastille... with my scantily clad harem surrounding me. As far as power over the people, I think I would implement a system slightly similar to Iran's. I would let there be a president, congress, and judicial branch... all of that; but, I would always be lurking overhead as Supreme Leader with the power to do whatever I want. I can veto any bill, enact any law I think of, fire and hire any government official (president included), free use of eminent domain, and pizza for dinner every single day.

“We use 100% beef in every burger, and there’s no percent better than that.”

This is the message lovingly emblazoned upon the drinking cup that I received with my lunch at McDonalds. Now, I like to think that I have a high intelligence readership (ha ha), so I want to ask how many of you read too much from this message? I know I did. Here are some of the thoughts that came up just from this short sentence.

• Who says that there is no percent better than one-hundred? I agree that there is no percent higher, but that does not necessarily equate to better. What if the person was a vegetarian? He or she (okay, probably she), would want significantly less than 100%. Suppose the person was watching their weight. He or she would want less beef. Maybe not zero beef, but closer to 25-50% beef. Fill out the rest with something a bit less calorie dense, like fiberboard.
• Is it really 100%? It’s my experience that hardly anything is 100%. It may come really close to 100%, such as 98.9 or 99.5%, but it probably isn’t 100%. There’s always that minute percentage of dead cockroaches and irate employee saliva.
• Are they implying that other burger joints use anything less than 100% beef? I think they want us to believe that other places use 100% miscellaneous meat. Probably something along the lines of pigeon meat or circumcision detritus. (Mmm… circumcision detritus…)
• Oh my goodness, does this mean that burgers in the past used less than 100% beef? Could the Big Mac I had two weeks ago been a 50-50 split of beef and sidewalk salt?
• I sure hope they don’t consider the chicken sandwich a “burger”. I don’t really want 100% beef in that one.
• I really need to get to the grocery store and eat some real food.

"If my competitor was drowning, I'd stick a hose in his mouth and turn the water on." - Ray Kroc

Fig. 4.9

Interesting. Apparently last week was [Gay] Pride Week at my college. There were wild celebrations all over the place that, somehow, I did not notice (I spend next to no time on campus). I even had the poor planning to miss the Westboro Baptist Church protest... and the significantly larger George Mason counter-protest. Oh, I wish I could've been there. Not as a participant, mind. This spectacle would be too entertaining to waste by being actively involved in it. I hear that the WBC had signs quoting Leviticus 26:27-29 and reading, no joke, "bitch burger". Unfortunately, I have no report on what the counter-protest had for signs, but I would imagine ABBA lyrics were involved ("There was something in the air that night. The stars were bright... Fernando").

I also found out after reading my school newspaper that our students declared a drag queen as home-coming queen (see fig. 4.9). The person whose pronoun I can never decide on goes by the male name Ryan Allen and the stage name Reann Ballslee. I'll have to admit, this guy is startlingly good-looking. Wait a minute, something didn't sound right. I better reread that last sentence... GAH! No, no, no, that simply is not proper. I can't gaze longingly at someone like that. My heart already belongs to one David Hayter. NO! Jessica Alba! Jessica Alba! By the gods... am I catching the gay? (sauce)

(Note: The latter part of this post is in jest. Jimbo's heart already belongs permanently to one person: himself)

I never thought I would need a game as much as this one...

Ever have one of those days where you wanted to destroy all of humanity?
Oh... TODAY WAS ONE OF THOSE DAYS!

Getting married is tough, especially in today's toxic environment. Fortunately, Jimbo, the Doctor of Love™, is going to give you a few points that can help you maintain your marriage and maybe even improve it.

• Stay out of town often – Sometimes the two of you just need some time apart. Take projects that require frequent travel, or leave on holidays frequently. This would give your spouse time to gain new hobbies and improve skills, like taking swimming classes or tennis lessons.
• Don't always turn to sex – Be sure to tone down the bedroom play. You may even need to gently but firmly turn down advances. This increases spousal desire. Be adamant about infrequent sex!
• Introduce your best friends and siblings – It's important for a spouse to have friends outside of yourself. Introduce your spouse to all of your friends and siblings. Make sure that you give them all time alone, as well. Let them forge greater friendships so the happiness stays in your marriage.
• Trust – Always trust your spouse, no matter what. There may be times when you think he or she is cheating on you, but you must banish these thoughts. Follow the above points and your spouse will always be faithful.

"Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?" – Marge Simpson
"Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries." – Homer Simpson

I think it would be interesting if the original Mayan civilization was still around today. I have fun imagining some of their rituals and culture modernized in a way similar to today's rituals and culture. For example, imagine tlachtli, the game of putting a ball through a ground-perpendicular hoop. The game arenas of the day were impressive by themselves, but imagine a modern stadium for the sport. A beast with thousands of seats, a retractable dome roof (well, "I"-shaped roof), and concession stands selling greasy, overpriced food-like items. The players would be big, beefy, overpaid leviathans with more safety equipment than your average fireman. And finally, at the end of the game, they would have a huge sacrifice of the losing captain, complete with fireworks, live music, and crowds cheering loudly for blood.

Ho yes, let us not forget the blood sacrifices. The sacrifice is an important aspect of the religion, so it would not be easy to simply ignore. Before their collapse, the Mayans had huge temples built for the purpose of giving a person up for their god of choice (it's getting a little warm; bring me the captured prince to appease the god of air conditioning!). For some reason, I just picture a crystal cathedral here. It's huge. It's modern. It gives plenty of view of the bloodshed. Something like that would be perfect. I just wonder how they would dress. Would feathers remain regular garb? Would the ones holding the guy down wear aprons or goggles or something? Would the aprons be made of fine silk and diamond encrusted? How would they be washed?

Would the Mayans switch to a democracy? That seems to be all the rage in this day and age. I don't think it would work particularly well, though. They need royalty for their best sacrifices. Maybe they would sacrifice politicians, even if the gods continually say they didn't want them (who could blame them?).

Most important of all: would the Maya overtake the Germans as the chocolate professionals of the world? They are the original cocoa growers, after all.

(Disclaimer: Sadly, I did not do much research for this post. I was bringing up most of the facts of Mayan civilization from memory. Some of the facts may be incorrect, so feel free to disregard them. In fact, feel free to disregard this entire post.)

"People aren't afraid of being dead, they're afraid of getting dead." - George Carlin

Alright, normally what I do today is write a post about me doing something I would not normally do. I try to make it sound serious and don't reveal the joke until the very end. Lulz ensue. Last year, I believe, I made it seem like I joined Scientology. This year, unfortunately, I don't have time since I start my job today (sadly, not an April Fool's joke). That is why I am leaving it in your hands, loyal readers. Pick some controversial topic from the list below, and make a joke out of it. Go ahead and leave a comment. It'll make you feel good.

• Sex change operation
• Converting to radical Islam
• Supporting more carbon emmissions
• Line dancing
• Adolf Hitler
• Joining the KKK / Black Panthers
• Drinking chicken broth straight from the can

Okay folks, make it good. I want something to look forward to after work and class!