Another blog I frequent has decided to follow a so-called “Xanga scavenger hunt”. I don’t know how it earned that name, but it’s basically a list of forty items to blog about. I was intrigued, so I thought I would give it a shot. There will be one stipulation, however: I dislike poetry, so anything that involves writing a poem will be summarily skipped. Everything else is free game. The full list is after the jump and I’ll be linking back to this post over the next several days as I try to write as many of these as my ADD will allow.

The first item on the list is a post regarding Mother’s Day. Unfortunately, Mother’s Day is already over, so I’m just going to post a related music video. Enjoy!

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Just about the funniest 16 minutes you'll spend... with President Obama. Well, he's a politician, so I'll cut him some slack. My favorite line: "My next 100 days will be so successful that I plan to complete them in 72 days... and on the 73rd day, I will rest."

Continuing my theme of watching primarily animated movies for reasons that include all recent live-action movies being crap, I decided to check out the latest Universal offering, The Tale of Despereaux. I was more than a little weary of the clean, no small text G-rating, but on the whole, it was decent. It hardly came close to blowing my mind, but I really didn't expect it to.

The tale begins with a Dumbo-eared mouse named Despereaux. Wait, scratch that. The tale begins with a sea rat named Roscuro, who is voiced by none other than Dustin Hoffman (of "Hey, I'm walkin' here!" fame). Hoffman Roscuro, through a series of mind-bending events, manages to completely screw up a celebration and kill the queen of the fair town that I can't remember the name of. The king, in a fit of sadness and logical thinking, banned all soup and rats from his burg. That rat is banished to the Rat World (a nook near the back of the dungeon), the sun refuses to shine, the princess is melancholic, and, in the middle of all this, Despereaux is born (since that name is very hard to type, he shall henceforth be referred to as Dez). Oddly enough, his mother gave birth to only one child at a time, which is odd for a mouse. She might want to get that checked out, lest she mess up the gene pool. I digress.

Dez, it turns out, is retarded in the mouse sense. Apparently, in mice, fear and hesitation are learned skills that get taught in public mouse schools. This is an interesting concept. Fear is being taught in public schools. Even worse, for questioning these established educational curricula, Dez gets banished and sentenced to death. Thank goodness that sort of thing doesn't happen in real life (wait...).

This review is getting far longer than I thought it would, so let me get this synopsis over with. Roscuro attempts to apologize to the princess for the death of her mother. The apology goes poorly and he is jaded. He convinces a jealous janitor to kidnap the princess and send her to her death. A bunch of stuff happens that I won't spoil for you, then the credits roll.

Honestly, for a movie with Dez's name in the title, he seemed to be rather an unimportant character. Oh sure, they spent a lot of time fleshing him out, but the story itself revolved around Roscuro, the princess, and the janitor, with Dez playing naught more than a middleman tying them all together. Honestly, the character I enjoyed watching the most was the leader of the Rat World. He had the air of a cult leader. All of the rats were blindly loyal to point where they would not even eat until he snapped his fingers. He held grand gladiatorial events where the throngs screamed for blood, and all held their breath while awaiting his judgment whether the fighter should live or die. He seemed very skilled at manipulating newcomers, as he steadily warped the mind of Roscuro, practically grooming him to inherit the throne. I rather hope they make a spin-off based entirely on him, just to see what his motivations were and how he became the glorious leader (I just hope it isn't rated G).

The physics in the film were rather awkward. I won't go too deeply into that, but more often than not my brain was screaming, "Mice do not bounce like that! I should know!" Plus, near the very beginning, there was a scene wherein a fallen coin rolled in a highly unlikely way, performing 90 degree turns and actively dodging obstacles. It was oddly mesmerizing, yet completely ridiculous.

As I mentioned before, this film was exceptionally bland. It pushed no envelopes. In the words of the great Yahtzee, an envelope would move more if placed in front of a glacier. I give it a solid 7.6593/10.23. If you have a whole lot of time to kill, it certainly wouldn't hurt to watch it, but your time would probably be better spent re-watching Blazing Saddles for the millionth time or finding a cure for all the world's diseases.

On an aside, it seems somebody decided to cast Hermione Granger as the princess. What's up with that? Keira Knightley has a much better accent.

Resemblance?

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I have actually been confronted by somebody who said that I have not physically seen evidence of evolution. Everything I learned, I learned from books. This was partially true. I haven't been to a museum since I was younger, and going on a school trip should not count as a museum trip. That is why, on Thursday, I went to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History in an effort to physically observe evidence of evolution. In hindsight, I should've taken more pictures, but here are some things I can report on. They're all fossils, but that's mostly because they didn't have kiosks set up where I could sequence DNA or manage E. Coli cultures for a length of 20 years. Sheesh.

Whales
Let us begin with the evolution of whales, since this is one of my favorite examples. The museum had only a small handful of fossils in this tale, but that should be expected. The place was pretty cramped for space... not to mention the little children. Noisy little children.

My museum adventure begins with a fossil of Maiacetus, a creature that lived about 49 million years ago. Fossil evidence of a head-first birth suggests that it did not spend all of its life in the sea, and likely came onto land for births. The skeletal structure, however, made this lifestyle difficult, and it spent most of its life in the water. Its flipper-like limbs are similar to modern seals, and it likely made the same up and down motion to swim. While I wish they had the even earlier fossil of Ambulocetus, this fossil, nevertheless, gives evidence of how a mammal can spend much of its life in the water and adapt for it (or I could just point to a hippopotamus).
(Upon further research, this fossil was likely a cast. Oh well, it still proves my point)

Next up is Dorudon, who clocked in between 38-36 million years ago. This guy is far more advanced than that Maiacetus fence-sitter. It likely lived all of its life in the water. I would like to especially point out those rinky-dink hind limbs to the right of the picture, below Maiacetus' forearm. Look at those tiny things! They are definitely on the way out. This happy little fellow even sports a blow-hole atop the skull.

Give or take a few million years, we also have Zygorhiza at this time (why yes, I did just brush off some million years like it was nothing). Another transitional fossil, this fellow still had a fairly mobile neck and a nose at the tip of its snout. Again, we see those tiny hindlimbs.

Appearing on the scene at around the same time as Dorudon is Basilosaurus, which, despite its name, was in fact a mammal. I wanted to get a full picture of the beast, but since it was such a long thing (you can see even more of it on the bottom of the Maiacetus photo) and positioned poorly, I couldn't get a good shot. Instead, I focused on the hind limbs. Despite being such a big thing, the hind limbs are hardly bigger than Maiacetus'. While this may seem silly, the question is why they are still there? Gradual shrinkage over long periods of time is the only reason I can think of.

To wrap things up, we have a modern whale (the big one on top). The similarities are all there. Blowhole, hand-like flippers, and vestigial pelvis. Geez, the pelvis isn't even connected to anything. While I wish they had some modern whale skeletons with atavistic legs or something, this is good enough for me.

I also have photos of fossil evidence regarding horses, seals, and birds, but I don't feel like doing any more work on this post. If you want to see me write about them, that'll be by request only. You can expect another post on some of the silly pictures I took in a short time, though.

One of the problems with living so close to DC is that anything occurring in that non-state instantly becomes "local news". I read a recent example of that in the "local" section of The Daily Express. It took place in Arlington, which technically isn't DC and is local, but it's close enough to the district that you could spit on the Washington Monument just by standing on the roof of your car. Anyway, in blatant disregard to copyright laws, I'm going to reprint the article in its entirety, since it's short, and simply too ridiculous to pass up. Take a look. Keep in mind that this is a true article, and not the usual crap I spout:

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President, VP Say Hail to the Beef
Arlington, VA | It's like this: When you want a burger, you have to have a burger.
In this state of mind, President Obama and Vice President Joe Biden took a short motorcade ride from the White House to Virginia and pulled into a small, independent burger joint called Ray's Hell-Burger.
The two leaders went right up to the counter where the meat was being grilled and ordered.
Each fetched cash from his pocket and paid, and then the pair stood like the rest of the diners and waited for their numbers to be called before going to a table.
The restaurant prides itself on premium aged 10-ounce burgers, which sell for $6.95. (AP)

---

Shockingly, they call this crap the news. Two guys walk into a burger joint and order some burgers. The only thing remotely fascinating about it is that it’s the president and the vice president. Gods, I need to get out of this state.

Thank you Mr. Schneider. Class?
Thank you!
Okay, next is Jessica's father, Mr. Sanders. Mr. Sanders?
Thank you Ms. Wade. Now, let me get out of these pants.
Excuse me?
Don't worry; it's for the class's education. Now, how many of you have bought underwear recently? Hmm... no hands? Well, I'll bet some of your fathers may have. In fact, they may even know me.
I wish I didn't have a father...
Jessica! I don't want to hear that kind of talk, missy. Now, your dads probably don't know me personally, but they have heard of me. You see, I am an underwear inspector. Specifically, I am Inspector 43. Underwear inspecting is actually a very satisfying job. There are three others that work with me. 52 is the newest guy. He's still learning the ropes. 44 joined at about the same time I did. 7 is the oldest guy still working there. He was around when the company first started. He can find issues with even the best underwear labels.
Mr. Sanders, is standing around with your pants off truly necessary?
I'm getting to that part Ms. Wade. Now, what I do is test all of the underwear before it gets packaged and shipped off. Well, I don't test all of the underwear. It's more a representative sampling. Still, I get to wear a lot. Often, it's some of the most comfortable underwear on the market. Before it gets packaged, I put on the underwear and take it for a quick test run. This includes three short stages, including a walk down the halls, sitting on a couch, and some light calisthenics. If it all checks out and there are no defects, I plop on my "Inspector 43" sticker and return it to the pile to be packaged. Though he may not realize it, some of your dads may have worn underwear that I wore before him. Isn't it fascinating, class? The model I'm wearing now, by Kalvin Clein, is brand new and has been approved for an extended test period. This thing is great, though there is a slight problem with the tag location in the back. I won't go into the details, but with some minor alterations, this can easily go to market, and I'll get to inspect so many more. Are there any questions?
No, there aren't Mr. Sanders. Please, put your pants on and have a seat.

Friends, I have a sad announcement to make. At 5:43pm yesterday, my favorite pen wrote its last. Its ink, and thus its life, had run out. I have a lot of pens, but this one was special. It had a long life and lasted near constant use for almost a year. Its writing was thick and smooth, without a single hiccup. It sat comfortably in my hand and was just the right size. It saw a lot of places. It was with me through two of my jobs. It was with me through multiple college classes. It travelled with me on hikes through the woods. It came with me on my travels to New England. This pen even kept me somewhat sane by giving my hands something to fiddle with when all other forms of entertainment were extinguished. I was planning on taking it with me this week on a trip to the Smithsonian, but I suppose that was not to be. I refuse to simply replace the ink inside. I find that morally wrong. The pen would feel best if I laid it to rest and moved on. It's... just hard sometimes.

I hope you all can pause for a moment of silence as you think of this poor pen, and any pen that may be special in your life. Epitaphs are welcome.

IN LOVING MEMORY

by Jimbo
Jimbo News Network
Slipped Through the Crack Department

A Washington state pilot is breathing a sigh of relief after surviving a crash landing in his Cessna 182. The pilot, who was unnamed but we shall refer to as "John," survived by landing onto a collection of portable toilets. Emergency response teams tell JNN that John "had the shit scared out of him," but was otherwise unhurt. Shortly after take off, the plane engine was clogged up and a crash landing was imminent. John tried to turn around, but just couldn't make it in time. The resulting mess was made worse as the plane flipped over and landed into a collection of port-a-loos. Police officers who spoke with John do not believe he was shit-faced before taking off, just in a crappy mood after his impromptu landing. He tells JNN that he "hopes not to be the butt of any jokes because of this." (sauce)

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