Hello neighbor. It's good to see you. I thought I'd stop by and welcome you to the neighborhood. I'm Stan Winkler; I live just across the street. And who might you be?
Uh... I'm, uh... the... hmm... the name's... Tim Turner.
Good to meet you Tim. Come now, don't be shy. It's just a handshake. What brings you to the neighborhood?
My... eh... work. Yes, my work. I got promoted to a new job down here, just in, eh... S           .
Oh, good choice then. S             is just down the road.
Yes... that's why I... opted to move in here. I wasn't aware that...
I tell you, it's rare to see a well-dressed fellow like yourself move to a nudist colony like this one. Not unheard of, mind, but still peculiar. Lovely house, if I might say so. I always felt that way, even when old man Walton decided to add a DIY deck in back. Hideous thing that I certainly would not recommend standing on.
I... ha ha, yes. I was planning on taking that down in favor of a stone patio.
Ooh, a stone patio would be lovely. I know once I - oh, good morning El!
Morning Stan!
That's El, lives down the street. Delightful old lady, though I think she spends too much time walking her dogs. Well, she's a retiree. She can do as she wishes now. Anyway, I know a place in the next town over that you could get some stuff for that patio on the cheap. Want to come with later today?
Like that? Wouldn't you get cold?
What do you mean?
I, eh... nothing. Nevermind.
Oh, I see. Cracking a joke at a nudist. Ha, well, no worries. We're all friends here and I'm sure you'll fit in nicely. If you-
Alright, stop it. Stop it right there. This post is getting far too boring and I will not stand for it. Go on, away with you. Come back when you do something silly. Right, I apologize for that. We'll be sure to do something better next time.

Oh dear, it’s time for me to get complainy. I really hate doing this, but I feel I have to say (and by “say” I mean “write”) something. Today, I am complaining about 24-hour TV news stations. Let me set up the scene: I’m in the lunch room at work enjoying a bowl of microwave minestrone while watching the TV. Sure, it was Fox News, but I didn’t let that bother me. They were covering the Bernie Madoff court case. When I sat down, about 11:30 am EST, they reported breaking news that he was sentenced to 150 years in prison. “Well, that’s dandy,” I thought as my soup was heating up. What followed was thirty more minutes of Madoff “coverage.” I put the word “coverage” in quotes for a reason. During that half-hour, there was no additional information. They were, literally, just wasting time. After the conviction announcement, they spent maybe five minutes recapping everything that Madoff had done for the approximately five people on the planet who didn’t already know. The remaining twenty-five involved an overhead video of the courthouse and people outside. I wish I was being hyperbolic, but that is actually what was being shown on the television screen. The only other things on the screen were, from largest to smallest: a big text graphic screaming that Madoff was sentenced to 150 years, the news ticker, and a tiny picture-in-picture box. This tiny box, where I would at least expect some news to come from, featured nothing more than eye roll-worthy sob stories and ditzy anchorwomen engaging in pointless speculation. Geez, at least try to multitask. I can understand you want to be the first news station to present a tiny overhead shot of Madoff being escorted away in handcuffs (I’m writing this before I saw him leave, so I’m only assuming), but at least try to multitask. You can even keep that leviathan helicopter feed dominating the screen; just give me some actual news. It wasn’t until I was getting up to leave, my lunch break over, that they finally tore themselves away to report on other important news: namely that the 911 call regarding Billy Mays’ death was released (groan, more non-news).

Don’t think that this is only Fox News’ problem. I have seen other TV news stations do this sort of thing for other stories: shamelessly faff about simply because they don’t know what to do with themselves. Not too long ago, I was reading a newspaper on campus and somebody actually stopped to ask me why I was reading one. This post is part of the reason why! (The post’s content, not the post itself). That way, I could get all the news I need in a reasonable amount of time without all of the sob stories, speculation, and general faffing about. Even if some of that is included in a news article, I can skip over it and not waste time.

Sorry, I didn’t mean for this to turn into a newspaper rant. Still, it feels good to let out some pent up aggression. I apologize if this post wasn’t funny. I was just writing what I was thinking after a somewhat disheartening lunch break.

If anyone has a request on what they want me to write about, lay it on me.

Let us turn now to South Carolina governor Mark Sanford. I really don’t want to do this since his name isn’t as interesting to pronounce (or type) as Rob Blagojevich, but his story was far too fascinating to pass up. For those of you who don’t have electricity, don’t read newspapers, don’t listen to town criers, and don’t call your mother as often as you should: Jon and Kate are getting a divorce. This news is positively shocking for an already shocked nation. Also, Governor Sanford is a liar.

Here’s what happened, by my understanding: late last week, Governor Sanford put on his crocodile teeth adorned hat and told his staff he was “going on a walk-about.” He didn’t tell his family this because it was Father’s Day weekend, and the last thing he wanted was his snot-nosed kid to bring him an overcooked breakfast in bed that would just make a mess on the sheets (I presume). When he returned, he decided to tell the world (in the form of a Visine addled press conference) that he was engaging in lascivious liaisons with a Latina lass in L…Argentina. With that revelation, we suddenly have a problem: who do we believe? We have the staff who were unwittingly lying  about the governor’s hiking habits. We have a self-confessed liar claiming he was in Argentina. We have the family who simply did not know where he was. We still have Jon and Kate breaking up (oh, I’m just all a flutter). Who do we believe? I’m of the mind that, in all truthfulness, it doesn’t make a gods-damn difference. I just tell myself that he was in a quantum state of both hiking the Appalachians and snogging a fine Argentinean lady (a state I wouldn’t mind being in myself).

I’m sure the news organizations will be lapping up this publicity stunt up and covering the governor right up to when he publishes his book on his ordeals… or, at least, until Jon and Kate’s custody hearings.

I am such a fool. As you may recall, I attempted to go see The Proposal on Saturday, but ended up getting suckered into seeing Up. In a fit of religious repentance, I decided to spend Sunday morning making amends and seeing The Proposal anyway. Let me tell you, I am so glad I did. The Proposal was a good movie that doesn't deserve all the ire I am about to receive on its behalf. It was fun, witty, and featured a scene with Sandra Bullock wearing naught more than an oven mitt.

The Proposal is a romantic-comedy... I'll pause while the lot of you Pavlovian robots giggle. I'll have you know that I was not the only single person in that theatre showing. Granted, I was the only single male in that theatre showing, but I did not let that detract from the experience (specifically because there were no noisy children either).

The story revolves around a workaholic Canadian immigrant named Margaret. She is about to be deported back to her home country for wearing ridiculously high heels, when she decides to marry her assistant, What's-His-Name, played by Ryan Reynolds, who has only one face in his entire repertoire: confused puppy dog. What's-His-Name chivalrously accepts to aid her and, might I add that this should not reflect at all on the male species, takes full and complete advantage of the situation. What follows is a series of laugh-out-loud moments that made me forget all about the mere chuckle-worthy moments in Up. Was it cheesy? Of course it was cheesy. It's a romantic-comedy, for crying out loud! That's what makes them so entertaining.

The two leads started out hating each other, and I just love seeing that. The back and forth banter was entertaining, and thoroughly improved upon by the entourage of background characters acting like a live studio audience. In fact, I would say that my favorite character would be the nebulous background characters (Anon, if you will). Whenever the scene became slow and "dramatic," He would pop in and make everything better. He is legion, for He is many.

I take that back. Upon further reflection, I have decided that my favorite character is the immigration officer who is trying to deport Margaret. Sure, he only has maybe three scenes, but you can tell that the character just loves his job. He goes the extra mile at all times to see to it that the dirty immigrant gets the hell out of his country, even to the point of attending her faux wedding. He is a true American hero. It was so gloriously patriotic that it just made me want to stand and salute while a tear of joy runs down my cheek.

Oh, one scene also featured Pachebel's Canon in D, which earns it bonus points.

How much did I like it? Quite a bit, actually. It was one of the funniest movies I've seen this year. I give it a positively delightful 8.89541/10.23. It's not perfect, but it's still pretty decent. You'll notice that it scored several point fractions higher than a certain other movie. Partially, it's to spite a so-called friend who poo-pooed my Up review, but mostly it's because I authentically enjoyed it more.

Don't think that this good review was because I went in with a different mindset. I went to see this movie because I fully expected to hate it. I am a pessimist, after all. I even had some good jokes set aside for the crap-review, like "I have a new proposal: make a decent movie and I won't spread that picture of Sandra Bullock wearing naught but an oven mitt on 4chan." (Okay, maybe I'm the only one laughing). I was thoroughly surprised and recommend the movie to all of you who didn't stop reading this review just because I mixed The Proposal with the word "good".

Post-script: Before the movie, I got to see the trailer for The Time Traveler's Wife. I'm a little hesitant. It is one of my top favorite books, and the film adaptation doesn't look to do it justice. I'm going to try squinting my eyes really hard and pretend that the movie doesn't exist.

Geez, I can be a real idiot sometimes. You see, I went to the theatre with the full intention of watching The Proposal. I was right there at the ticket kiosk, had my finger an inch from the touchscreen, then selected Up at the last minute. It was one of the more foolish decisions I've made. I know I'm going to catch a lot of flak from this, but I just didn't like Up.

I'm going to skip over the obvious problem with the film, which is how the entire movie is based around an old, lonely man trapped with a young, innocent boy, and move right on to the story itself: It's about an old, lonely man trapped with a young, innocent boy.

Okay fine, I suppose that joke is in poor taste, but this movie deserved it. Maybe it was just poor timing. Not even a week passed since I watched Gran Torino (a much better film), so maybe I've just had my weekly allotment of crotchety old widowers fulfilled. It's just that the characters weren't my main problem with things. It was just how arbitrary everything felt. I was watching this, and every few moments my mind groaned, "what the hell were the story-writers doing?" Did they trip and accidentally mix up the stories to several other, potentially good movies?

Okay fine, I can hear some of you talking (in the future). "This movie isn't about the plot. It's supposed to be about the characters! The characters were fun! Derrrrrrrr, hyuk-hyuk." Fine. I was trying to avoid the characters. Look, if you make a movie that's about the characters, you are supposed to make their personalities bounce off of each other like several billiard balls, not ram headfirst into each other to a dead stop. When each of the characters came onto the screen, there was a slight ripple (and a slight tremor of hope), and then nothing. They all became stale and predictable. The exception was the main character, Mr. Walt Kowalski, who reverted back to his friendly, loveable self. Frankly, I liked it better when he hated the world. Maybe I just related to him more.

Now, don't get me wrong. I didn't dislike the entire movie. Just most of it. My favorite part was the first ten or so minutes, the prologue showing Mr. Kowalski's life during his happier times, right up to the death of his wife (spoiler, lol!). I thought it was adorable and entertaining. The movie could've ended right there and I would've been satisfied. Instead, they had to ruin all the goodwill they generated by making me sit through the rest of his life. Worse, Pixar doesn't even have the common courtesy to let the poor man die.

I'll only touch upon the ending briefly. It was really awkward. The young boy who tagged along with the adventure, Thao, started to spend a little too much time with the old man. It makes me wonder about his parents.

... You're not buying all of this are you? Okay, fine, I did enjoy the movie. I would've preferred to have seen The Proposal, but this movie was a fine compromise. It didn't blow my mind, but it wasn't boring either. I give it an acceptable 8.15407/10.23. If you want to see it, great, but I would recommend Gran Torino over it, assuming it's crotchety old widowers you're after. Now away with you, I've got stu- SQUIRREL!

If you know me, then you know I hate socializing with people. It doesn't matter if it's in person, over the phone, e-mailing, or what-have-you: I just don't like it. It's just the way I am. I make a slight exception for instant messaging. When IMing, the communication is more instantaneous than e-mail, but still lets you proofread before you say something stupid. Also, you can be far more critical of who you actually speak to. But that's where I draw the line.

The reason I bring all of this up is because I have found another way of communicating that I may actually enjoy. It's called the teleconference. This form of communication is great because it has all of the "benefits" of a business meeting, without having to, in a physical sense, meet (I put benefits in quotes because, really, there are no benefits to meetings). The greatest advantage of teleconferencing, however, is in the simple fact that each member cannot actually see what the other is doing. With the addition of a mute button, they can't hear you either. Most frequently, this means that while the other schmucks are talking about creating new, longer acronyms or whatever, you can be turning to your coworker and bad-mouthing them ruthlessly. I've done it; my boss has done it; the guy in the cube next to me has done it; everyone does it! You don't even have to stop there. You can do anything! You can attend the meeting while surfing the Internet, eating a hoagie, or while you're in the toilet stall. The only problem arises when they actually ask for your input, and then you have to find some way to punish them for their insolence. If they can design a way to deliver painful electric shocks over the phone, it would be perfect.

I've seen a lot of Greatest Movie Quotes lists in my time. Look them up, they're pretty good. I decided, this time, to post some that the other list makers have missed. Just don't hurt yourself on the nostalgia trip.

"Good Lord, this has more twists and turns than Chubby Checker in a blender." - Wrongfully Accused

"You sold me queer giraffes." - Gladiator

"I have more in common with these goddamn gooks than I do my own family." - Gran Torino

"I knew a Bob once. He was ugly as a mule... You a ladies' man, Bob?" - The Last Samurai

"We don't sell Tic Tacs, for Christ's sake, we sell cigarettes. They're cool, available, and addictive. The job is almost done for us." - Thank You For Smoking

"Blackness confirmed: you've got soul." - Undercover Brother

"Because, let's be honest: it's a field. Look, do you see another world out there? No, you see a field. Do you see anything nonhuman? No, and you know why? Because it's a field!" - Stardust

"It's like video games in 3-D!" - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze

"Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great. If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate." - Monty Python's The Meaning of Life

"From this day forward, all the toilets in the land shall be known as... Johns!" - Robin Hood: Men in Tights

"I am invincible!" - GoldenEye

"I'm sorry, but the UN must be firm with you. Let me see your whole palace, or else... or else we will be very, very angry with you... and we will write you a letter, telling you how angry we are." - Team America: World Police

"Allow myself to introduce... myself." - Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery