Okay class, next up is Theo's father, Mr. Tamble. Clap everyone.
Hello everyone, good to see your smiling faces. We've seen a lot of exciting jobs and I will try to live up to them. I am a computer programmer.
What's that, Mr. Tamble?
Well, let me try to put it to you this way. How many of you play video games? ...Wow, lots of hands. Okay, in order to make them - behind every video game - is a computer programmer.
Wow, you make video games!?
Eh, no, not really.
Oh...
But I'm just like a video game maker.
Except you don't make video games.
Right.
Hmm...
But I still make stuff just like a video game maker. For me, I make business systems.
What are those?
How do I describe them? Well, the one I am programming now is a system that helps bridge the gap between lab researchers and the people who need their technologies. It's like that.
Huh?
Well, it's kinda like a database, but more. It's specifically made just for the purpose of connecting FRAK members with SPLURBA and OONTO. The way it works is...
(Students and teachers gaze awkwardly at the acronym soup and jargon litter spewing forth)
...so you see, in a way, it's just like a video game.
...o...kay?...
...Th-that was... thank you very much Mr. Tamble. Yes, class, clap!
Thank you everyone.

"There is little that bureaucrats hate more than innovation, especially innovation that produces better results than the old routines. Improvements always make those at the top of the heap look inept." - Frank Herbert

We have a severe problem facing our country. A problem that reaches monumental proportions. I work for the government, so this problem is a matter of national importance. The problem is that at my office, the bathroom is located all the way at the other end of the hall. This is severely unacceptable and comes dangerously close to completely collapsing my morale. Something needs to be done about this. Immediately.

After considering the sure to be significant taxpayer investment, I have several proposals to rectify this problem. The first and most beneficial option would be to construct a fully functional bathrrom across from my desk. Of course, you would probably have to fire some of the finance department guys to make room, but just consider it a cost saving exercise. Also, I'm pretty sure they're all communists. Filthy, filthy communists. The installation will create jobs and help bolster the economy.

Another option would be to install a pipe system that can evacuate waste from my office to the bathroom down the hall. This could significantly improve productivity by precluding all need to leave my desk, but it may cause privacy and hygiene issues if not addressed properly. There would also need to exist a means for occasional solid waste egress. The installation will create jobs and help bolster the economy.

The last option to consider would be cheaper, but would do little to improve morale or desk hygiene. This would involve the investment in a bottle which can store liquid waste until the office cleaning crew can pick it up and properly remove it. This should be considered a last resort and is not recommended. It does little to solve the issue of solid waste and has a limited capacity. The bottle purchase will create jobs and help bolster the economy.

Any of these proposals will create jobs and help bolster the economy. They should be seriously considered, because I know how much that one sentence means in this country, the Greatest Country in the World. Oh say, can you see~ etcetera.

Well, I'm going to try and keep this review short since I have other plans for this post. On Monday, I went to see the new Harry Potter movie (number six, for those of you who like numbers as much as I do). Just like the two other Potter movies I've seen (one and five), it was beautifully mediocre. The characters were bland, the story felt rushed, and Rupert Grint is still displeasurable to the eyes (to put it lightly). To put something in the pro column, I did find the rather frequent romantic interludes to be just adorable. I'm just a sucker for the cheesy-silly stuff like that. Do I recommend it? Heck no. Go read the book, you schmucks.

This ultimately brings me to the point I really wanted to get to: book and movies. I saw the Harry Potter movies after I had read the books. While reading, I had painted a large, imaginary world in my mind. It was how I pictured everything and it still sticks with me to this day. This is probably the largest contributing factor to my general distaste for the films (Grint being a close second). The movies just did not sync with the world that I imagined. For one thing, my imagination had a much, much cleaner world. Everything in the film was covered in grit, dust, and cobwebs, and looked to be on the verge of collapse if anyone so much as leaned on a load-bearing wall. It's as though nobody thought the magic world would need a feather duster or something. It must be the OCD awakening within me. Anyway, everything was completely wrong.

On the opposite side, I had seen the Lord of the Rings movies before I read the books. As a result, the world my imagination formed while reading was tainted by the film. I have no idea what kind of world my mind would have created. The book, of course, had many scenes that weren't in Peter Jackson's magnum opus. I absolutely loved the movies, but it was some of these extra scenes that made me prefer the book (Tom Bombadil, anyone?). My imagination got to have a very good time with them.

A trailer before Harry Potter 6 absolutely filled me with dread. Long time readers of my blog may recall my divine reverence of The Time Traveler's Wife. A movie for this book is in development and it looks simply dreadful. The only silver-lining I see from this is the increased awareness of the book. I just worry that too many people will see the movie and not bother with the book. That is UNACCEPTABLE, and I believe sabotage of the movie is in order.

I suppose I'm bouncing around, but I hope that my point is clear. Movies are great. Books are great. You just have to be careful because one will pollute the other. Also, The Time Traveler's Wife is great and you should buy a copy. In fact, buy three copies: one to read, one to hermetically seal, and one to simply support the industry. Be sure to boycott the movie.

"What is Pearl Harbor?" If you thought "a famous harbor on the Hawaiian island of Oahu," then you probably have what it takes to write answers for Jeopardy. If you were reminded of the opening to Farewell to Manzanar, then you probably need to get out of the house more.

Before I begin, let me give you a quick update. Not too long ago, I rather arbitrarily joined a Xanga reading club that somebody I didn't know was leading. It was spur-of-the-moment decision, so hopefully it will not come back to haunt me. The first book we were ordered to read under pain of excommunication was Farewell to Manzanar by Jeanne Wakatsuki Houston and Co., which is a book I could only remember the name to because it was sitting on my desk. Literally, I got to the library to pick it up with a complete blank in my mind for what the title was. I had to hop onto a computer just to look it up again. Anyway, it is requested that each member write a book review on their blog about what they thought about the book, so here we are. Let us begin.

Farewell to Isengard is a nonfictional account of a family of Japanese living in the US who had the poor fortune of being Japanese when Pearl Harbor got bombed. Yes, this tale revolves around the family being sent to one of those adorable interment camps that the government hastily set up to ensure those lazy Jappers didn't try any more funny business. The storyteller is the book's author, Jeanne, who is an American-born Japaner (nisei, if you will). The book jumps around the history of the family telling of how their interment affected their lives. Granted, this is a very vague description, but it's such a short book that you can read it yourself if you wanted more.

That's one of my primary gripes with Farewell to Kashyyyk. It is such a short and easy book. I finished it in about six hours and I didn't feel particularly challenged by it, if you know what I mean. Looking back, I suppose I should be grateful for this. I'm far too misanthropic to enjoy a book of this type, which I dub a "pity me" book. She goes on frequently about how racist America was at the time and how difficult life was in the early days of interment and on the way out. It makes me want to yell one of my favorite mantras: "Get off your cross, build a bridge with the wood, and get over it." Why not consider the good it did? We never had another Japanese attack after Executive Order 9066 (hey, if that reasoning can work for Bush...).

I suppose the display of these injustices is the purpose of the book. We look back and think, "how terrible." I prefer to look forward and consider how people sixty years from now will think of us. All of the hated groups of today: queers, heathens, wetbacks, ragheads, Cleveland Browns, &c. We'll all look back and shake our heads in shame as we resume our offworld spice harvesting for the merged Microsoft-Google conglomerate.

One thing I did enjoy from Farewell to Arrakis was how it treated religion. It painted a much more realistic view of the topic. The characters were hardly pious; they were just going through the motions. It also shows how religions can tether children by tales of wonder and boogie-men. One of my favorite lines came in chapter 14: "Years later I silently thanked him for forcing me to postpone such decisions [about religion] until I was old enough to think for myself."

On an aside, chapter eighteen was my favorite. It involved one of Jeanne's brothers, who faught in the war, visiting his estranged family remaining in Japan. It was adorable. The father left them years ago, and the family assumed he died. They were so happy to see that the family lives on. It was probably the only moment to make me go "aww~".

So, I suppose I should sum up my feelings about this book. Does it really matter? This book is on so many grade school reading lists that, frankly, I'm amazed I hadn't read it before (my class instead read Island of the Blue Dolphins, a book I now look upon more favorably). It had some good points, but overall it was boring, easy, and short. I hesitate to recommend the book as a historical portrayal of Japanese internment simply because I know how poor my memory is of life between 7 and 12-ish(?), and I'm only in my early twenties. The author was around her forties when she wrote the book. I'm sure there were significant exaggerations and artistic flourishes. Besides, if it's history someone wants, I'd sooner recommend, y'know, an actual history book. If you don't want to read the book, good, and if you do, tough.

Note: not actually racist.

22, according to the very accurate and source-worthy Wikipedia, is, and here I am quoting, "the natural number following 21 and preceding 23."
Its proper divisors are 1 (obviously), 2, 11, and 22. Divide it by 7 and you get a pretty close approximation of pi.
The book of Revelation has 22 chapters.
22 is a palindrome.
It is the atomic number of Titanium. That's right, titanium.

Incidentally, it is how long Jimbo has existed on this Earth. Long live the King!

Happy birthday, me!

*ding dong*
Hang on, I'm coming... Can I help you?
Good evening, are you feeling satisfied with your life?
Excuse me?
Do you need a release?
Sorry, I'm not int-
Are you not happy in the bedroom?
Huh?
Let me just assume you let me in... there we are. You see, I'd like to offer you a service. I am a hooker and will sleep with you for a very reasonable price. Best in the business!
... Wha? I don't remember letting you in.
Oh, I'm sure you did. Now, I offer many competitive packages.
Packages?
Oh yes. A dusted snickerdoodle, an English roundabout, a glazed muffin... purchase any of these and receive a free aristocratic wanking.
Aristo... nevermind. Look, tempting as it may be, I'm just not in the market for sex tonight.
You drive a hard bargain, good sir. Alright, if you have sex with me tonight, I'll take twenty-percent off the regular price. At that price, I'm practically giving it away.
I suppose giving it away would be too much to ask?
Sir, I'm here on business.
Look, I told you I'm not-
Honey, I knocked over that table pulling into the garage again... who's this?
Um, er... uh...
Good evening, ma'm. I'm a prostitute trying to solicit your... husband, I presume? He was rather eager, I might add. He was on the verge of purchasing an evening of French twirls.
...
No, dear, I was trying to-
OUT!
Yes ma'm, of course. I'm very busy, so I will be on my way.
OUT! OUT NOW!
Dear, you know she was ly-
YOU TOO! OUT! OUT! Go be with your tramp if I mean so little to you!
Dear, I would nev-
OUT!
Ouch, no nails! Ow, fine, I'm leaving.
*slam*
... So, still interested in helping a local business with a purchase for the evening?

Don't be silly, son, of course adults still play games like kids. The only difference is that our games tend to be a little bigger and a little more expensive. Let me see, what's a good example? Okay, instead of hide-and-seek, adults play a game called spot-a-place-to-park. Here is how you play. First, get a job at an office that has lots of employees, but only a few parking spots. Next, you arrive at work an hour late, and thus begins the game: you have to find a place to park. This isn't easy, since there are very few parking spots open, and there are others looking for the same thing you are. Often in this kind of situation, you will need to go way, way, way to the outskirts of the parking lot in order to find that one spot. Sometimes if you're lucky, and this is the really exciting part, you get to enter a lightning round. This is when you and another car turn a corner and you both see an open spot in the middle of the lane. In order to win, you have to accelerate oh-so-slightly faster than the other car to make it into the spot before it. It's a very satisfying feeling.

Another fun game is like tag, only you don't actually touch anybody and it's called "phone tag". The way it is played is with a bit of information. Your goal is to get this piece from the person who has it. This involves picking up the phone and calling people until you find someone you can force it from. Until you do, you are essentially "it". This game can take up hours and hours of time while you wait for people to call you back or for people to get back from their meetings or holidays. You have to be careful, though, because sometimes the person you force the information from can alter it just slightly and then tag you back. It's like going through a haunted house: you never know when that phone is going to ring and you suddenly find yourself "it" again. It's very exciting.

Speaking of telephones, there is another game that is a lot like the game you play "telephone". In the adult world, it's called "chain of command". Just like in "telephone," you start with a message. Your goal is to get this message to the upper echelons of the ladder intact. Of course, just like in telephone, after you pass on the message, you have very little control over what happens to it. As it moves along the chain, the message is constantly changed. Things are added, removed, edited, omitted, and so on. When it finally does get to where it needs to be, it is so convoluted and meaningless that it just causes laughter along the entire chain length. Ha ha, it's all very silly.

No, I'm not bitter.

Well, I made it back from Maryland in one piece. This weekend was some of the most fun I've had all year. For the past three days, I was commuting back and forth with a buddy of mine to Otakon in Baltimore. It was glorious. Words can't describe it, so this will be a picture post. Enjoy!

DAWN OF THE FIRST DAY
72 HOURS REMAIN

Hanging in the dealers' room with the sergeant and the rest of the Keroro Platoon.
(Keroro Gunso)

Grabbin' pills!
(Left 4 Dead)

Oh Weighted Companion Cube, I'm so sorry. Can you ever forgive me for what I did to you?
(Portal)

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Interestingly, this is how I picture Kirby speaking in my mind.