I had an interesting thought while listening to some classical music on the radio (yes, I listen to classical; you wanna fight about it?). Imagine, for a moment, that you are me. Yes, yes, I know I am a handsome beast, but please tear your eyes away from the mirror for a second while I tell you about this thought experiment. Since you are presently me, you spent last night lying in bed, with the lights dimmed to half, listening to the soothing melodies of REO Speedwagon on your iPod.

Imagine now that a time traveler from the Renaissance suddenly materialized upon the floor next to you. Think of just how much explaining you would have to do to this person. First of all, it's night time. You would have to explain light bulbs. You would have to explain dimmers. Heck, you might even need to explain electricity. Since he is a time traveler, none of this is common knowledge. You need to explain every minute detail of how electricity is made, how it travels, and how it generates light.

Next comes the iPod. How do you even begin to explain that? It's a small device that generates noise. Not just any noise, but REO Speedwagon! You would have to explain REO Speedwagon! All of this traveler's past experiences would have been with live music. Those earbuds that focus sound directly into your ears are completely foreign to him, almost magical.

All over the room are my bookshelves. While the printing press probably isn't anything new to this Renaissance time traveler, some of the books clearly are (particularly in my library). None of the authors were around for the Renaissance: Michael Crichton, Terry Pratchett, JK Rowling... well, maybe Shakespeare. Let us not even get into manga. I'm sure even this time traveler would blush at such illustrated smut.

Next comes my CD rack. Granted, they don't get much use since I got my iPod, but they would still require some explanation. Just think of how complicated this thing is. You can't get away with a simple, "you put it in this thing that spins it really fast and makes music come out." You would have to go into plastics, lasers, computers... oh gods, computers. I'd sooner murder the time traveler than subject myself to that line of questioning.

Okay, you can stop pretending to be me now. Go ahead and pretend to be yourself for a little while and think what you would do in this sort of situation. Don't just settle for a Renaissance person, either. Pick any time period you want. Go wild!

by Jimbo
Jimbo News Network – Political Correspondent

Presidential hopeful Howardson Ford seems to have ruined his bid for presidency during a recent press conference in Boise, Idaho. During the conference, a reporter from a rival news organization, Josh News, asked what Ford's plans were to cut the country's astounding deficit. Ford responded with this statement:

I believe it is necessary to finally raise taxes. Presidents throughout history got to where they were by promising to constantly lower taxes. Over the years, this has dropped tax rates to unsustainable levels. If this country, the greatest country on the planet, is to continue to thrive, it is necessary to finally raise taxes. We survived on these high taxes not too long ago and I have total faith that slightly raising taxes will have no effect on the economy. We have almost four-hundred million people in the United States, the greatest country on the planet. Even the slightest tax raise can significantly bolster our standing in the world.

The press was momentarily stunned. When composure was regained, there was a slight scuffle as Josh News reporter received a well-aimed elbow to the face and this reporter, for Jimbo News Network, managed to ask Ford for more details of his plans.

Ford said that his plans were still fluid and in the planning stages. One of the taxes he plans to raise is a tax on religious real-estate. "These folks had a free-ride for too long," says Ford. "We will show no preference for any one religion; they will all be taxed equally." Many lead economists feel that this tax alone could eliminate the deficit within two years. Other plans include a slight increase in federal income taxes. Ford constantly emphasized the word "slight," which may be construed as a sign of weakness. More of his tax plans can be seen listed on our Jimbo News Network website.

---

User Comments to this Article:

JesusChrist_Superstar says
mostly im glad he realizes that this country is the GREATEST COUNTRY ON THE PLANET!!!

FUCKFOX says
who the heck cares about this stuff!?!?!? Jon and Kate might be getting back together!

xX_NoToNazis_Xx says
Howardson Ford is a blaspheming, Nazi, homosexual that doesn't care about old people or veterans nearly as much as he should! Open your eyes America!

I suppose this post will sound very cold and heartless, but I just have to write about it. I just don’t get depression. I see bloggers, even ones that I subscribe to, write about how depressed they are and how much their life sucks. They use black backgrounds, contrasting font colors, and whiny dialogue. They just complain about how crappy their life is. Chances are strong that they don’t even mention the reason for their depression in the post itself. I simply don’t get it.

Sure, I’ve been sad from time to time, but I have never reached the depths of depression some of those folks feel. What is it about their lives that make them so depressed anyway? Did they suddenly lose their job after no fault of their own? Hell, that happened to me back in January. I was out of the job for six months. Is your family a retched hive of scum and villainy? Let me guide you down my family tree and show you a thing or two. Did you have a bad breakup? Why not take a hint from our Great Lords and Saviors, Journey, “When you’re feeling love’s unfair, you just ask the lonely. When you’re lost in deep despair, you just ask the lonely.” I’ve been unfortunately single all of my life, thanks for asking. Are you running low on money? I just had to pay for college and buy all of my textbooks, thus draining my bank account. This is the reason why I have to be a fulltime employee and a fulltime student just to get by.

Do I feel depressed? Sure, sometimes, but I don’t let it “get to me.” That’s ultimately the part I don’t understand. I think the ultimate difference between me and these bloggers and other depressants is how we deal with feelings of bummed-outness. They resort to writing dreadfully boring and longwinded rants, cutting themselves, wallowing in self pity, whereas I:

• Listen to music. For this kind of purpose, I listen to something spiritually lifting, like Weird Al, MC Hawking, or The Lonely Island.
• Read a book. Generally, I don’t read an actual book when I’m depressed. This is when I call in some of my comic book buddies like Garfield, Dilbert, Calvin, and Hobbes.
• Play video games. There is nothing more cathartic than mowing down a street of pedestrians and dust carts while dressed as a catgirl in Saints Row 2.
• Watch a movie. I wouldn’t recommend Tim Burton movies for this. It may very well exacerbate the problem.
• Masturbate.

See? I can keep my depression to myself. Now that I have passed on my knowledge and solved the depression crisis, it’s time to move on to world hunger.

Well, it's good to have that all taken care of.

On Saturday, I took another trip to DC to tour some more of the museums. That being said, I suppose it's time for me to post some pictures from my last trip to DC that I promised to post at some point (sorry for the delay). Anyway, this will be a picture post for both that trip and the recent trip I took. Enjoy!

America's second favorite phallic symbol after Florida (ignore the finger in the foreground)

Second amendment my ass!

You will never find a more retched hive of scum and villainy... we must be cautious.

Continue reading →

I just got back from the theatre and seeing Ponyo. After arriving and purchasing my ticket, I marched right down the hall towards the screening and continued walking until I nearly died of dehydration. Yes, it would seem they decided to put the Ponyo airing at the farthest screen from the entrance. Not only that, the room was about the size of a shoebox. It wasn't as bad as the Religulous screening, which was roughly matchbox size, but that's still rather small. It seemed all the more claustrophobic with all of the children sitting around me. Normally this is where I would complain about how noisy children are and how I should carry around a staple gun for emergency silencing measures, but once the movie started, the vile spawn actually shut their mouths. After the entire movie went by in silence, I was ready to renounce my atheism and begin praising Miyazaki as a god.

What? The movie? Oh right, I suppose that is why you're here reading this. Well, the movie itself seemed like an adventure in cloud watching. You plop down, look up, and let everything just wash over you. Like cloud watching, it requires a full surrender of logical thought processes, but somehow you can still leave the theatre satisfied. It's a very simple movie where everything just... happens. I mean, you could probably tell the entire story in one sentence (assuming liberal use of semicolons). Somehow they manage to stretch this simple idea out for the full length of a movie and keeps everything entertaining. I reiterate: this requires some sort of divine power.

The voice acting for the movie was fantastic, but I expected no less from a Miyazaki movie. These films are probably the only anime that I prefer in English over the original Japanese. One character that particularly blew my mind was the David-Bowie-from-Labyrinth-like character that was voiced by none other that Liam [fuckin'] Neeson. Liam Neeson! The only voices missing were David Hayter and Morgan Freeman to complete my own trinity of favorite voices (picture that, a five-year-old voiced by David Hayter). The movie also had one of the best MILFs in all of anime. Giggity giggity!

The graphics were very pretty, but, again, this is all thanks to the divine providence of Miyazaki. I felt that Ponyo's pants were far too puffy and awkward, but that's probably just the Humbert Humbert in me talking. What I liked best was all the sea life. I haven't seen that many sea creatures since the Cambrian Explosion (okay okay, I'm not that old. I was only alive to enjoy beyond the Carboniferous).

The most awkward thing that not even my cloud-watching emptied mind could ignore was just how accepting everyone seemed to be. A lot of freaky things occurred during the film's length, and they took it all in stride. The entire town is flooded up to the highest hilltops? Oh, let us go row-boating. The little girl that's clamping onto your neck used to be the goldfish you kept in a bucket? Well, let us just invite her inside. Will it be okay if I left two five-year-olds alone during a flood? Absolutely! I could keep going, but I'm going to stop here and repeatedly punch my forehead while repeating "cloud watching! Cloud watching!"

While I did enjoy the movie, I felt that it was definitely Miyazaki's weakest movie. Since his movies are of such astounding quality, this isn't necessarily an insult (I could fill several books with worse movies). It earns a respectable 8.0723904 / 10.23. It would've earned a mere 8.0623904 out of 10.23, but I just had to award an extra hundredth of a point since it had one of the best movie quotes around: "You're not busy: you're five!" That one had me laughing out loud, much to the chagrin of the hatchling next to me.

Oh, and there was one scene where I totally expected the MILF to use the light signal to spell out "FUCK OFF," but they settled for the more child-friendly "BUG OFF". Oh well...

Stephen Colbert presents Ponyo in interpretive dance.

President Obama's Ramadan Speech

Okay, I'll admit, this is a very boring speech. I lost interest about half-way through. What I found more interesting was a lot of the comments left by YouTube denizens. It was a site to behold. I think I'm about ready to dub YouTube "4chan Lite". It's just as vile as the followers of 4chan, only not as rabid or obsessed with pedophilia (at least, not yet). I'm going to post a bunch of them below completely unedited, just so you can get an idea of the silliness. All of them are (sic), unless stated otherwise.

---- Hold your noses, everyone. Here we go... ----

Obama's a real idiot.
He won't do a day of prayer, all Christian symbols have to be covered up when he shows up, but a religion that speaks of killing people who don't convert, he is all in favor for.

That was awesome! he is the best president i've ever seen. But the problem is that the government isn't runed by the president. There is a secret power that gonvern the entire earth. Secret group- like bill hamer said, obama can't svolve all the problems by himself. We need to support him. And the senetors need to support him. And please don't listen to what fox news says. They are a bunch of racists.

So what you are saying Obama is you are Muslim. as well as a liar and a theif to America.
here the nation has been going out and arrsetting those that give to terrorist around the world. And here you have been caught funding muslim terrorist.
The nation is getting really tird of your lies, of you stealing from the country and just giving money to any and every country that funds these terrorist. It shows how much you are not a American.

Remeber back when Obama went to the muslim nations, stating that America was not a Christian nation. But yet he'll come on YouTube and give greetings to Muslims in arabic. Which is Obama's first language.
The best thing for the nation right now is for Obama to pack up and move back to Kenya and spread him communism there.

---- From alternate version of same speech ----

that's because muslims aren't people, they are monkies.

I was born in Iran from a Muslim family, at the age of 14 I had some question about Islam and religion in general, after doing some research I decide to give up my religion, and the respond I got from Muslims was never talk about this again or you will be killed. It is the same situation in other Muslim countries. So if you can't respect my believes then I say FUCK YOUR BELIEVES. Also the Quran was revealed 1356 years ago not 2000 you dumb ASS and it has been rewritten over and over by people.

maybe the environment u wer brought up in has soured ur view on Islam, as u wernt given the answers u needed to hear. its ur decision at the end of the day, i hav not disrespected ur beliefs, but i do think the sources or ur research need 2 be trustworthy, as a lot of ppl seem 2 lie about islam. btw, i havent said anythin offensive 2u n i dont expect that in return. As a muslim i hav learnt to respect all n speak in a kind manner... have u?

Why the hell is this language on my computer in my white house in my country this is crap dude.

I don't feel that the President of the United States nor The White House should be making videos about the Muslim religion. Nor should their be non-english translations.

you see he is a Muslim!!!!!!!!!! when it comes to yom kippur or Christmas he will not make a statement. he is an asssss.

man, what kind of statement you want him to make about Christmas? Isn't it enough that they get a huge tree inside the WH? Was he President last Christmas or Yom Kippur and he did not make a statement? lol

Dumbass he made a Christmas statement as President-Elect.

---- That's enough for today ----

Usually when I write a blog entry, it all stems from one silly idea that just grows. Recently I was having an IM conversation with a friend of mine and we were just bouncing Legend of Zelda jokes off of each other. All of them had the potential to be a full entry, but I just had to post all of the seeds that came out of it. They were all just entertaining to imagine. I guess you could say this is a behind-the-scenes view of how I write Xanga posts. These are the building blocks. I should warn you that the humor is pretty geeky, and a decent understanding of the Zelda universe may be necessary for comprehension.

• FairyCry 2 (a parody of FarCry 2)
  • "Link'll listen this time!"
  • "That's the last time I run into that fence!"
  • *holding a MANPAD* "Hey Farore, what do you think of my penis metaphor?"
• At the Majora's Mask reunion
  • Hey, remember when we stole that kid's horse and turned him into a deku? Oh man, I was so hammered that night.
  • Hey Anju, what say you ditch the shrimp and date a real man?
• A fairy trapped in a bottle: "Oh man, you didn't rinse out this bottle after drinking the milk out of it, did you?"
• Link only speaks in yells, especially when he's passing a stone
• Saria reveals that she's actually a middle-age man working for the FBI in a child porn sting
• Malon, Saria, and Zelda all collide as they try to romantically advance on Link... as the crowd screams for blood... coming up next on Dr Phil.
• ...or Malon fanfic writers vs. Saria fanfic writers vs. Zelda fanfic writers
• ... vs. Ruto fanfic writers (shudder)
• There are lots of girls trying to ride Link's Cane of Somaria
• [regarding the deku princess in Majora's Mask] "Wow, I remember when I could fit you in a bottle. You've certainly filled out. Especially in the... nevermind..."
• The fanfiction community will explode when the game comes out where Link's sword turns into a little girl. He either has to beat enemies with a little girl or with his shield, Captain America-style.
• [regarding a Nintendo crossover city building sim] I'll just put the mayor's house next to... the Gerudo fortress. Heh heh, awriiiiight~
• The Legend of Zelda Forever... released when it's ready
  • Zelda dies and Link gets a five o'clock shadow, a black tunic, and a head full of hate.
  • The prequel to FairyCry 1
  • Link... as voiced by David Hayter (swoon~)

If you found any of this to be entertaining, we should be friends. Also, if there was any particular seed you really enjoyed and want to see a full entry about, let me know.

by Jimbo
Jimbo News Network – Political Advisor

In a White House press conference, President Obama announced this weekend his plans for the future after the puttering out of his government health insurance program. The urgently needed health care reform bill was frequently and loudly lambasted by various political groups including the far right, the right-leaning center, the right-leaning left, the confused, the fans of Glenn Beck (all five), and the Cleveland Browns. Using a clever combination of fear-mongering, town hall interruptions, and wink-wink-nudge-nudge comments, these groups managed to convince everyone that a government health insurance option was going to completely destroy the country and sink all of North America into the Pacific Ocean, except for those who actually read the bill.

President Obama, in an effort to fulfill a promise made to voters, lost his cool. He denounced these foolish accusations and said to the press, "I'll show you something to really be scared of" (his emphasis). In record speed not seen by any other president in history, Obama quickly pushed a series of bills through both houses. Taking full advantage of the Democratic majority and threats of his Internet knowledge to, quote, "summon the wrath of 4chan upon you," and the bills were signed into law. To quote the webmaster of The Drudge Report, "it's actually rather relaxing, not having to come up with appalling headlines by myself. No change needs to be made."

The most important bill, particularly to the Jimbo News Network, is the cable news media reform act, FUCKFOX. To quote the president, "the acronym doesn't really mean anything, I just like reading it." It specifically outlaws any criticism of President Obama or any Democratic party officials. MSNBC and CNN were largely unaffected, but Fox News is expected to lose much of its programing.

Curious about the "death panel" comments, President Obama decided to see how the GOP would react by pushing legislation for actual death panels that would judge every citizen's worth. Like flu shots, it would begin with children and the elderly. They would be inspected and their usefulness will be judged. If they are found lacking, they will be thrown unceremoniously off of a cliff, 300-style. Quoting the president, "sure, it's cruel, but what are you going to do about it? Complain at town hall meetings? Pfft!"

Jimbo News Network will continue to follow the passing of laws as they are revealed, assuming that the Democratic New World Order allows such coverage. Jimbo News Network... lovingly supporting President Obama no matter what. We love you. Please don't shut us down.