I was looking forward to this movie for a while and yesterday I finally got to see it. I'm still trying to sum up my feeling for it. There is actually quite a battle raging inside me. Half of my mind considered the film boring while the other half contentiously declares it unique and thought-provoking. I would say, at this point, the latter army is making significant headway.

Let me begin with the story: everything takes place in the scenic local of Johannesburg. The squeaky clean residents of this fine city suddenly find themselves with an alien spaceship over their airspace. When they fly in to investigate, they find nothing less than a huge room filled with sick pr0n. The pr0n is quickly relocated to Earth where lots of men with big guns try to collect the pr0n in one big space and control access. The pr0n, allowed to fester in South Africa, quickly becomes filthy and detested by all but the sickest of humanity. It was eventually decided that the pr0n was becoming far to nauseating and had to be moved. In order to facilitate this move, the private military company with the most creative name in the known universe, Multinational United, is sent in to forcefully remove the pr0n. One man, whose name I can't remember and thus will be dubbed Hans, is sent in to move the pr0n. During the move, he gets a big eyeful of filth and...

What? Seriously, the aliens are called pr0n! Okay, they don't spell it "pr0n", but it's just funnier that way. Ahem... where was I?

Anyway, Hans is accused of rape and locked up for military experimentation. Then Jimbo got really tired of trying to write a synopsis, so he just writes "a bunch of stuff happens, there are some references to Satan made, and lots of people explode." Everybody alright? Good.

Most of this film was presented in a mock-documentary style which I felt was great. It managed to tell the beginning of the story without having spell out every meager detail. It also gave a hefty bit of foreshadowing that made you want to at least stay to the end. The other hand, however, reveals my main gripe with this type of cinematographic faffery: shaky cameras. Sure, it's meant to look "realistic," as though you are the camera man chasing the action that unfolds in front of you, but for me it's just bothersome. How the heck am I supposed to carefully investigate the pr0n presented before me while the camera wildly swings about.

To sum up the movie, I would go with "average". I found it entertaining for the few hours I sat in my chair, but it certainly did not blow my mind. I give it a meager 7.746762 / 10.23. May as well just wait until you can rent it on DVD.

Everyone, I am worried for my country. I don't mean with the present debates raging, I mean about the future. The US Constitution is a fantastic document, but it simply cannot handle all of the crap that the future is prepared to throw at it (the plexiglass shielding maybe, but not the document itself). My primary concern... is non-humans. The constitution simply does not adequately address this situation.

Suppose in the future, science successfully creates a particularly charismatic robot with an excellent foreign policy platform. What would the Constitution say to this robot running for president? Nothing! Obviously, the robot would have to be assembled in the United States and it would have to be in full operating condition for over thirty-five years, but what if it suggested federal government socialistic assistance for inner city homeless? This would obviously be unacceptable.

An easy fix that can be done today is include a "living being only" amendment. This would even prevent the nomination of zombies and resurrected deities. On further thought, though, this does not solve the entire non-human issue. Suppose that some painted buntings suddenly gained sentience and a long lifespan (I dunno, divine providence?). These birds have the ability to speak, write, form allegiances, and bad-mouth liberals. Would one of them be able to become president? I suppose we could accuse them of being queers, but that's probably just delaying the issue.

I read in the news recently that dogs are supposedly as smart as two-year-old humans. The article tried to jazz it up and show how smart dogs are. I, on the other hand, quickly realized that this was one of those glass-half-full-half-empty situations: some people see this news and think "wow, dogs are smart" while others (myself included) think, "wow, babies are stupid." I've seen dogs, and comparing a baby to one of these creatures is no complement. Dogs are beasts that willing sniff each others backsides and loudly bark at passing butterflies. I don't care if they can do simple arithmetic, they still drink from the toilet.

This is just another example of how the news tries to skew things in the favor of their viewer demographics. They figure people like dogs and decide to write a pro-dog story about how science found similarities in the intelligence of dogs and infants. This is just shameful, and the news should not offer me biased opinions. Why can't they take a cue from other unbiased reporting on trivial topics, like the US's healthcare reform bill. (sauce)

(Full disclaimer: Jimbo is a cat person)

Afternoon, Sally.
Hey, Dan.
All done for the day?
Yeah.
Cool. Are you driving home, then?
Yep.
Wow, me too! We have so much in common. Do you want to go out sometime?
Excuse me?
It must be fate that we meet like this. We are almost soulmates. We should start going out or something.
Uh... I'm married.
So am I, but why should we let that get in the way of fate?
I don't think-
Oh, don't think my dear. Just consider it.
Okay, y'know, you're right. I can't stand my husband. Why don't you come over to my place tonight? He's out of town.
Wait, you mean for sex?
Yeah.
HARLOT!
Huh?
SUCCUBUS*! ADULTEROUS WENCH! I wouldn't consider that type of thing while we're both still married. I was implying we both get a divorce and then elope.
...
I never thought you were like that. WHORE! Get out of my sight.
But... but I've fallen for you. How can you just throw me aside like that?
What?
You're a horrible person. You open my heart with words of fate and lust, then throw me aside as though I was a doll. Well, let me tell you: I am no object!
I know that. I know that more than anyone. You are my chosen person.
Oh~
Can you ever forgive me?
I... I don't know. This has been painful. I'll have to consider it longer...
My fair siren. I hope you can forgive me. Hopefully we can be together before the suns and moons collide.
Yes...
Right. See you tomorrow then, Sally.
Yep, see you tomorrow.
Don't forget, it's an office potluck. Bring chips.
Got it.

(I had a lot of fun writing this, just because of how much it whipped around)

* quick reference:

I just can't understand how the stereotypical woman can do it. Clothes shopping! How?! I like to consider myself a man's man, not afraid to take risks and live life on the edge. Eat raw cookie dough, check milk expiration by taste, you name it. I've put my body on the line in many ways. But shopping for clothes, especially on a sale day, is far too life threatening, even for me.

Let me try to explain. Yesterday, I was of the mind to go and purchase some new pants for work. I hate clothes shopping as it is, so this took a lot of effort: planetary alignment, God ordering me through a burning bush, the fact that my current pants had the appearance that I washed them every week by beating them with rocks at the river, &c. All said, I needed some new pants. I decided that that afternoon I would drive over to the mall and simply purchase some pants.

What I did not anticipate was that my home state (rhymes with vagina... sort of) decided to hold a sales tax free weekend. As soon as I pulled out of my driveway, I was stuck in traffic, as undersexed housewives and their apathetic families flocked to the mall as though on the Hajj. A trip that, on a normal day, would take twenty minutes, took me an hour (no exaggeration). When I finally arrived at the mall in a state of rage regularly reserved for DC-area rush hour traffic, I was greeted by a full parking lot. This added another fifteen minutes to what I thought would be a routine day (no exaggeration). I found a spot after stalking a woman carrying several shopping bags. After putting the bags in her trunk, she attempted to explain that she was just lightening the load before going back. After several threatening revs of my engine, she saw the error of her ways and quickly evacuated the parking space.

There were so many people within the hallowed halls of the mall, which I shall refer to, in the interest of privacy, as Schmotomac Schmills. What was more surprising was the sheer number of couples that congregated on this day. I don't see what's so romantic about being surrounded by a bunch of sweaty shopaholics, but to each their own. All I know is that these couples move about as slow as Hutts and are a pain in the neck to get around. The brightside, though, is that my internal pathfinding algorithms were in perfect working order, as I could cover the length of the mall in about the same time as when it's empty. Granted this took a lot of speedy choreography reminscent of my high school days, but... hey, people say I need the exercise anyway.

I finally enter Ye Olde Clothing Shoppe and go directly for the men's pants. Fortunately, it's rather calm, as the rabid shopaholics (i.e. women) are busy ravaging the ladies' and children's sections. The greatest challenge of the day now lies before me: finding pants that fit. You see, I'm short and skinny. This is a large departure from most Americans who are tall and "hefty". I used to be able to get away with shopping in the teens section, but it seems teens don't wear dressed-up slacks anymore, as no retailers sell them. I did find out why the men's section was empty, though. It seems that the rabid shopaholics have already sapped it of all its nutrients (and a signifant portion of its pants). I did finally find two pairs, which was what I came for, but this challenge was further exacerbated by...

The Line. Driving in DC traffic is bad enough... but this line! How do people wait in it!? I was about to start gnawing on my arm simply for sustenance. I had to periodically check my gums and skin for scurvy. My day slightly improved after finally arriving at the cash register. Even though my afternoon was terrible, I could clearly see that the store employee's was much worse. When she saw that I only had two pairs of pants, I could honestly see the sigh of relief expressed in her face. I paid, left the aisle, and was quickly replaced with a woman purchasing what appeared to be enough clothing for the entire army of India (naturally, carried by her loving and devoted husband).

I left the mall with my single bag and walked to my car hurriedly nudged periodically by an SUV driver with a mad gleen in her eyes. I returned home, grateful that I did not die, and promptly took a nap on the sofa. Next time I need a shirt or something, I think I'll bring an assault rifle.

As I came in to work yesterday, there was a parking space with a sign that read along the lines "Reserved for Julia Lastnamewithheld". While this may seem rather banal, it was a life-changing event for me. It made me realize that I absolutely needed to marry a woman named Lia. It gave me a new goal in life. I can picture the scene in my mind. The two of us would be parking somewhere and we would see a sign that reads "Reserved for Julia". Lia would read the sign out loud and I would reply, with a high level of smugness, "ooh, but not you-Lia!" I would grin, and then we would have glorious and passionate love-making, right there in the middle of the parking lot, frequently interjected with Lia's ecstatic screams of "oh god, I love your puns!"

A lifetime reaching for this goal... would not be a wasted life.

It's time for me to be direct and clear: enough is enough with this robot pornography. This issue first came to my attention during one of my daily crusades against immorality. It was a very long and tiring evening, but I did scrounge up a large amount of this abomination. It is simply diabolical and unnatural. This damning evidence is on the same level of devilishness as my bestiality and necrophilia collections. These beings are not humans. Sure, some of these robots may appear humanoid and quite flirtatious, but you should not allow yourself to fall down this slippery slope. First it's human shaped androids, then before you know it you'll come to know car assembly arms in the Biblical sense.

Some of the worst offenders against nature are the Japanese. They seem to have a love of robotics that is beyond shameful. I've always known of their blasphemous sexual proclivities, and pornography with robots is just another shovelful of raw disgust. Their television programs are littered with shameful humanoid robots that deviants and sinners are more than happy to pervert for their own purposes. It is disgusting and wrong and should only be viewable by those who are trying to stamp this cancer out.

I'm also worried for the future. If this seed of sinfulness can continue to grow, who knows how Asimov's Laws will be taken advantage of. Law 2 practically assures that deviants will attempt to besmirch their souls by succumbing to their temptations. I can only hope that if this future is to come, Law 1 will at least attempt to curb some of the more burlesque fetishes. I can only pray for the sake of humanity that this unnaturalness does not grow. This robot pornography must be halted. Write your political and religious leaders immediately. This threat must be treated immediately.

Freudian? Perhaps.