September 18, 2009

• 9, a review

  Some people have asked me why I am such a pessimist. I find it to be the most logical form of living. If things go poorly, you already expected it, and if things go well, it’s a pleasant surprise. I try to follow this philosophy in all of my life. Recently, however, I made the shameful mistake of being optimistic.  I saw the trailer to 9 and thought it looked fantastic. I suppose it was mainly the awesome use of Coheed & Cambria, but I had high hopes for the movie. Having actually seen the movie last week, I have once again proven to myself that optimism is faulty.

  9 was pure rubbish. I don’t even know where to begin. I’ll start with the visuals, which so many people seem to be bestowing accolades upon. The character models just looked really weird. I know it’s hard to make burlap look like actual burlap in CGI, but at least try to go beyond bump-mapping, especially when the movie is going to have several close-ups. The mouths could’ve used some more work too. They just seemed too small and made the burlap strands contort queerly. Maybe the artists should have played LittleBigPlanet for a bit longer. The background scenery was good, but just seemed artificial. Why did the last dregs of humanity leave so much rubbish about?

  My biggest gripe was probably the story. Let me just explain it in briefly: all of humanity was destroyed in a robotic insurrection, and these nine ragdolls decide to destroy the machines for no better reason than "just 'cuz." Well, that may not be entirely accurate. Only a tiny handful wishes to actively destroy the machines. It is not until a bold, charismatic leader appears on the scene that they decide to, eventually, rally together and willingly welcome death. The ending of the film was particularly awkward. Apparently the substance that makes them move is the same substance that makes rain, or something. About two-thirds of the way into the movie, we see what is undeniably a final boss fight. A building blows up, the characters cheer, and lighthearted music starts playing… only for the movie to keep going. I keep thinking to myself that 9 was meant more for a TV series than a feature length film. In fact, I would have preferred it that way. I could’ve avoided spending my money on the tosh.

  In the film, there were two things I liked. Well, technically three, but I lumped the inquisitive twins into one. They are just adorable as they jump around ADHD-like in their quest for knowledge. They also keep their mouths shut, which is a big improvement. Second is the primary baddy, what I refer to as The Constructor. It’s just so cool looking. All of those arms going around must be exceptionally efficient.

  Anyway, I’m running out of energy for finishing this review, so let me try and hurriedly sum up my thoughts. The graphics were poor, the story was poor, the characters were poor, and the overall movie was poor. I give it a shameful 5.846028 / 10.23. My time would’ve been better spent watching the trailer for an hour and a half. Sheesh, is The Proposal on DVD yet?

  

  • 6:03 am
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