October 8, 2009

• The Pirates vs. The French

  By Jimbo
  Jimbo News Network

  In a move that is sending shockwaves across the world, a group of Somali pirates had recently attempted to take a French warship that they mistook for a harmless cargo vessel. They approached on several skiffs but were readily pushed back by the trained soldiers on the warship, who managed to capture five of them. Authorities say that once "they realised they were facing a ship that was responding and was heading towards them, they stopped shooting and attempted to flee" (sauce). Jimbo News Network correspondent, Jimbo, managed to catch up with the Somali pirate captain for an interview. He requested that we protect his identity and gave him the pseudonym Toby.

  JNN: Thank you for being so patient and having this interview. As I understand it, you and your group attempted to hijack a French warship that you thought was a regular cargo vessel?
  "Toby": That is correct. It was most embarrassing.
  JNN: I think the question that is on everyone's mind is: who surrendered first? It is just hard to fathom the French putting up a fight.
  "Toby": It was very awkward. I believe, in hindsight, they were actually firing warning shots to get our attention and help us see the white flags they were waving. I think they took offence when we started to turn around and escape. The world leaders in surrender must've felt we were stealing their thunder, if you will.
  JNN: What do you think is going to happen to the group that did manage to escape the French onslaught?
  "Toby": While I would love to say they will walk the plank, the skiffs we launch are not particularly large, making plank walking rather silly. We do have a rather large crate of paisley bandanas, though, that we make them wear. It's rather unmanly, you know?
  JNN: And what will happen to you when you get back?
  "Toby": If you think I will be showing my face again before that group, you are truly mad. I know what they will say: "Hey look, it's that loser Kunta – "
  JNN: Your name is Toby.
  "Toby": Kunta Kinte
  JNN:  What's your name?
  "Toby": Toby.
  JNN: That's a good [lad].
  "Toby": Anyway, they would say: "Hey look, it's that loser…. Toby… who even had to surrender to the French. If our rubbish wasn't our only thing of value, we would throw it at you!"
  JNN:Well Toby, we would like to thank you for your time. More of this interview can be found on the JNN website.

  • 7:42 am
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