October 21, 2009

• Hell's Most Wanted

  

  I saw this picture on a blog I frequent that often extols just how awesome I am, and I had to write about it. It gives a list of groups that are most wanted by Hell. I must say, it feels good to be wanted, but I thought I would run down the list and see how many of these entries actually apply to me. Here we go:

  Drunkards: No, I don't drink. In fact, I abhor drinking, but not for any religious reasons. I find that it makes people aggressive and/or stupid, which are two states that I hate seeing in myself or others.

  Liars: This applies to me, but is a ridiculous accusation. It is practically impossible to find somebody who has never lied. It is like trying to say somebody is going to hell for being molecularly carbon-based.

  Thieves: I can safely say that I have never stolen anything. At least, not intentionally. There have been situations where items were presented that I assumed were free, but never really checked for evidence to validate that assumption. This is especially true at trade conventions.

  Sports Fans: This definitely does not apply to me. I dislike sports, much to the chagrin of people who attempt to present the topic to me in forced conversation.

  Blasphemers: Oops, guilty. I have insulted tons of gods from Allah to Zeus.

  Money-Lovers: I admit to this, but I would like to have it known that it is a purely platonic relationship.

  Pagans: This one made me giggle. I actually belong to a Pagan group on my campus, but I am not a Pagan in any sense of the word. I am, sort of, the token atheist of the group.

  Homosexuals: I am straight, but Hell probably wants me for my support of gay rights nonetheless.

  Prostitutes: Not applicable. Not for lack of trying, of course.

  Witches: I don't think this applies to me, but since I have read all of the Harry Potter books, Hell is probably waiting for me just in case.

  Atheists: Present! Oops, wait a minute...

  Gamblers: I don't gamble. Well, not in the sense it implies. I occasionally make tiny bets with friends, but it's never for money. I recall one bet I made with a buddy where the loser had to play on FreeRice.com for a full hour.

  Porn-Lovers: Believe it or not, I'm not a fan of porn. I find it dull and samey, even with all of the "scenarios" they try to put the "actors" in.

  Whoremongers: As my Open Office spell check points out, this is not a word, so it will be summarily ignored.

  Child Molesters: Contrary to all of the loli anime I peruse, I have not nor have any desire to molest children. Still, I'm young, so who knows what the future may hold.

  Evolutionists: I fall into this group, but at least I will be in good company.

  Pot Smokers: I am probably the only male college student in the world who has never smoked pot. I just find something inherently wrong in willful smoke inhalation.

  Lesbians: Isn't this redundant with the homosexual entry? Well, I am not a woman, so this is not applicable to me.

  Fornicators: As tempting as bolstering the nation's economy by supporting a grassroots industry is, I must say that this descriptor does not apply to me.

  Masturbators: As a single, male young adult, this describes me. I feel especially randy after conquering an enemy nation in RTS games and need a "release".

  Hypocrites: See comments for "Liars"

  Psychics: Hey babe, they don't call me the Kwisatz Haderach for nothing.

  • 6:27 am
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