I always hated that phrase: "there's no sense beating a dead horse." That's just silly. There is always sense in beating a dead horse. In fact, there is always sense in beating anything. It's cathartic. Besides, it's the best way to get anything done, especially if you carry around a dead horse. Want to get to the head of a long line in the postal office? Just start beating a dead horse and people will clear a path for you. Don't feel like paying a toll? Just pull up to the tollbooth worker and start beating a dead horse you keep in the passenger seat. I can almost guarantee you will be simply waved through. If you want to get a budget proposal passed, just start beating a pile of dead horse giblets you carry around in your briefcase. Need a new briefcase for carrying around dead horse giblets? Then all you need to do is beat a dead horse in front of the shop owner. Take my word for it: beating a dead horse always makes sense.

Happy Thanksgiving
From a guy who lives on his own!

Anybody read the recently released resolution from the RNC that spells out what every member of the party should stand for? Yes, these defenders of freedom and liberty are threatening to pull party funding from members who do not agree with at least seven of the below statutes. Take a look (sauce):

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[…skipped over much Reagan boot-licking…]

THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED, that the Republican National Committee identifies ten (10) key public policy positions for the 2010 election cycle, which the Republican National Committee expects its public officials and candidates to support:

(1) We support smaller government, smaller national debt, lower deficits and lower taxes by opposing bills like Obama's "stimulus" bill;

(2) We support market-based health care reform and oppose Obama-style government run healthcare;

(3) We support market-based energy reforms by opposing cap and trade legislation;

(4) We support workers' right to secret ballot by opposing card check;

(5) We support legal immigration and assimilation into American society by opposing amnesty for illegal immigrants;

(6) We support victory in Iraq and Afghanistan by supporting military-recommended troop surges;

(7) We support containment of Iran and North Korea, particularly effective action to eliminate their nuclear weapons threat;

(8) We support retention of the Defense of Marriage Act;

(9) We support protecting the lives of vulnerable persons by opposing health care rationing, denial of health care and government funding of abortion; and

(10) We support the right to keep and bear arms by opposing government restrictions on gun ownership; and be further

RESOLVED, that a candidate who disagrees with three or more of the above stated public policy positions of the Republican National Committee, as identified by the voting record, public statements and/or signed questionnaire of the candidate, shall not be eligible for financial support and endorsement by the Republican National Committee; and be further

RESOLVED, that upon the approval of this resolution the Republican National Committee shall deliver a copy of this resolution to each of Republican members of Congress, all Republican candidates for Congress, as they become known, and to each Republican state and territorial party office.

[…]

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Here are some of my initial thoughts on the ten pseudo-commandments above:

(1)    They must be exceptionally unhappy if they cite a specific president by name. Still, let us look at the meat of things. They call for small government, small national debt, lower deficits, and lower taxes. Doesn't every politician in the country call for the same thing, Republican or otherwise? Besides, didn't the debt increase dramatically under the last three Republican presidents? I suppose it's laudable that they want to encourage all of these things, but history does not look upon it well.

(2)    Isn't what Obama (rather, the legislative branch) is proposing a market-based reform? He is creating a new option that will compete, capitalist-style, with other insurance companies. I suppose it is government run, but who cares if it's the government or corporate bigwigs? They will all compete to ensure that they provide the best healthcare possible at the best price.

(3)    What exactly does market-based energy reform mean? Cap and trade would encourage companies to pollute less and charge others to buy up their unused pollution. Companies that are much too dirty to clean up their act can essentially outsource their cleaning. They can say, "hey, I can't clean up the industry I'm in any more; think you can clean yourselves up in our stead?" (Hmm… maybe that's why they're against it. I know how much they hate outsourcing).

(4)    I don't know what this one means. I suppose it has something to do with labor unions, but I know too little about the topic to comment at this time.

(5)    I don't have enough knowledge of illegal immigrant amnesty to form a meaningful opinion at this time.

(6)    I'm sure all politicians support victory in Iraq and Afghanistan. This should not even count on the list. It does seem to fly in the face of point one, which calls for a smaller national debt and lower deficits, but hypocrisy, unfortunately, is a universal ailment.

(7)    This sounds a bit weasel-like. What exactly does "containment" mean? Does it mean more sanctions? Does it mean more threats of war? Does it mean actual war? Does it mean building a physical concrete-and-razor-wire wall around both countries? Gaza and Berlin should be proof enough that that last one does not work.

(8)    Whatever.

(9)    You're doing a poor job of it by stonewalling healthcare reform. Well, except for the abortion part. You sure are doing a good job there. I always find the abortion issue to be something of a pawn. It is something easily removed to appease opponents and help move things along.

(10)    Can we remove all gun ownership restrictions? I've always wanted to mount a Browning .50 cal on the back of my sedan. It will help me get through DC traffic a little easier.

I wonder how the Republican politicians would feel if they disagreed with more than three of the bullet points. Who knows; maybe they'll become Democrats! It may sound crazy, but nothing seems that way to me since the Pope offered to allow Anglicans to convert into the Catholic Church. Now that is crazy!

Hi, I'm Bill and I am a goal-oriented professional with years of experience in my belt. Still, I felt like my life was getting into a rut. I had no higher education and no chance for advancing. It was time for me to get my degree. The only problem is that I don't have what you would call a normal 9-to-5 job.
[sound of police siren in background]
Oh shi-
[sound of car accelerating quickly]
Anyway, I just don't have time for the standard sit-down classes. I didn't know what to do. That all changed when I discovered Jimbo University's online degree program. I can-
["Pull over! Pull your vehicle to the side of the road now!"]
'Oy, fuck you pigs!
[sound of pistol fire and tires screeching]
Now, I can take all of my classes on my schedule, whenever I'm ready. I can get my bachelor's in forensic studies or law enforcement tactics in less than three years. This program is really working for me.
[sound of tires screeching]
With my recently acquired, uh… "stimulus money," college is more affordable than ever. Thanks Jimbo University!
[sound of more gunfire and an overhead helicopter]

I was reading my post from last Saturday about Otakon and it got me thinking. That convention must be a huge economic boost for that city. There were over 26,000 people all congregating in that one place. These are geeks with frequently deep pockets that need food, lodging, entertainment, and access to their money. I hear reports every year of ATMs drying up in a wave pattern emanating from the convention center. I can only wonder how businesses handle these yearly influxes of geeks. This year's Otakon was its fifteenth, so they must be aware of it by now. Do they have training programs for these kinds of things?

"Okay, we're going to need all of the staff for this coming weekend. It's that time of year again; a bunch of geeks are going to be here dressed like they stood too close to a Michaels explosion. They will come hungry. I can only hope the supplies from the warehouse get here before then. I don't even want to think what will happen if we run out with these locusts. Sometimes I wonder if those swords, guns, and swords that are also guns are really fake."

It is fun to see the legitimate business people going about their work on the Friday. Just the look on their faces as they walk to and from their offices in their pressed suits is priceless. I can only imagine the thoughts: "not this sh#t again..."

Sooth, I saw this movie almost a week ago, but because of homework and the recently released Assassin's Creed 2 I have not had time to write a proper review. All of that changes today! Well, yesterday evening when I wrote it, but I'm posting it now. And that's what matters.

Jack Black plays Jack Black in Jack Black's Year One, which is basically a loose interpretation of the book of Genesis. By loose interpretation, I actually mean almost completely unrelated. It draws from the Bible about as accurately as Tales of Symphonia draws from Norse mythology. Still, that's a petty complaint considering how bizarre the Bible is in its own right. Let me move on…

The story begins with Jack Black's character, Jack Black, eating from the forbidden tree of knowledge [of good and evil] that boosts Jack Black's already formidable power of bad acting. Jack Black and his close male friend (and nothing else!) later run into Cain and Abel, where they are active eyewitnesses (SPOILER: skip this sentence if you have not yet read the Book of Genesis) to the murder of Abel. They next meet Ibrahim and convince him that he should not sacrifice Ismail Ishak (phew, almost got my books mixed up there). They next advance to Sodom, where they, unfortunately, do not get sodomized. They do make mention of gomorrahizing, but that was left up to the viewer's imagination. They then meet with Princess 13, who does very little but make me wish I was watching House reruns instead. They then kill some people, save the world, hook up with their love interests, crown themselves emperor, and leave me wishing they did not ignore the scenes with Lot and his daughters.

This movie, in case you did not realize, did not appeal itself to me. I loved how irreverently it treated the Bible, but not even that can cover up Jack Black's terrible acting. Still, there were several scenes that I liked. There was one particular scene that made me pause the movie because I was caught in a fit of laughter. It probably will not be as funny in writing, but let me try and set the scene. Ibrahim was explaining how far across the middle east his land extended…

• Jack Black: So wait, you're saying all of this land is yours?
• Ishak: Yeah, but apparently the Lord never bothered to tell anyone. We're at war, like, every other day.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm sure glad my landlord was out of town that day. I probably would've received a nasty phone call telling me to keep it down.

To be perfectly honest, I preferred the extra features on the DVD more than the movie itself. The gag reels and bloopers just had me cracking up. Apparently the set was located near a train track, and every now and then you would hear a train whistle. Everything would have to stop and there was much laughter. Likewise, they had this short skit where they basically reenacted the Leroy Jenkins scene (of Internet meme fame). They even had one of the actors randomly jump just like the original. Lastly, the alternate ending, in my humble and always correct opinion, was far superior to the "proper" ending. Rather than becoming the Lord and Savior of Sodom and staying around, the rain of fire comes and destroys the town. It was much, much better. Unfortunately, Jack Black's character survived, but… sigh…

I almost want to recommend this movie, but I know that it would probably only appeal to Jack Black fans (ha ha, I'm kidding. There are no Jack Black fans) or people who enjoy making fun of the Bible. The movie itself was dreadful, but it did have its hilarious moments. If I had to give it a numerical score, I would say roughly 6.340611 / 10.23 give or take 0.00043 points. If you are interested, just rent the DVD, otherwise I would not bother.

I had an interesting thought from a discussion with someone I know. You see, he made the connection that, because there was between 10- and 30-thousand people at that last teabagger rally in DC, that it must be an accurate portrayal of the American majority's feelings on the subject. I didn't have anything to say to this aside from a deep sigh, but later, as I was getting into bed the night after, a powerful retort came to mind. If this connection can be made, then that must also mean a majority of Americans love anime. You see, Otakon last year had over 26,000 hard-working Americans gathered in one place to celebrate a common cause. These patriots gathered together to show the sleepy city-folk of Baltimore that they are united. You know what else? The main stream media did not see fit to report on this mass gathering of Americans united under a common banner. Why would the media try to cover this up. When most Americans in this country love anime, they should be all over this kind of story like stink on cheese. Why is this?

Now, I'm not saying that the main stream media hates you and wants to eat your children on a kaiser roll, but isn't it interesting that I'm the only one with the courage to ask these questions?

I think it's high time we started requiring people to acquire licenses for walking, similar to driver's licenses. This would ensure that these schmucks clogging up hallways and sidewalks would be summarily executed marginalized. Anyway, here is my plan.

Young children can get away with walking unlicensed for a little while, but after the age of 14, every person will be required to attend a series of classes in walking. This would cover a range of topics including:

• How to always move to the right side of the hall and only move toward the left when passing others
• How to always sidestep to the right if you are approaching somebody walking toward you, rather than dance side-to-side foolishly
• How to walk in a [god damn] timely manner.
• How to walk and eat at the same time

This, of course, is not a complete list, but you get the idea. After completing the requisite classes, legal walker hopefuls will need to complete a written and practical exam. After that, you are fully licensed to walk. There will be none of that walker's permit silliness, where you have to walk with your parents for an ungodly long number of hours before getting a full license. You get it right after the test.

Enforcement will be strict. You will required to present a walker's license whenever trying to purchase shoes. If you are caught trying to purchase shoes for an unlicensed person, you will be punished in a similar way to purchasing booze for minors. Likewise, super-local cops, like campus police or mall security, will be on the lookout for suspicious walkers and will have the right to pull anyone over and ask to see their walker's license. You may still be fined for walking like a prick, but it would not be as severe as not having a walker's license.

I read an interesting article today in the newspaper yesterday. It's rather short, so let me just quote it for you:

A 21-year-old Milwaukee man knows firsthand the kind of street cred military identification offers. The man says he was walking from work at about 1:15 a.m. Tuesday when four men approached him. He says one pulled him into an alley, where they took his wallet and phone. But when one robber saw the man's Army ID in his wallet, he told the others to return the items and apologized. The robber told the soldier he respects what he does and thanked him. The man said the robber even gave him a fist bump.

Aww, isn't that sweet? Just before Veterans Day, too. I can only wonder what was going through the soldier's head at that time. I'm sure that as soon as he got home, he paused and thought, "wait, what?" Frankly, I'm surprised he didn't take them all on. How can we look confidant and strong in the eyes of other countries if one of our soldiers can't beat up a group of ruffians in the middle of the night with his bare hands? When that hooligan offered a "terrorist fist jab," he should've ripped his arm off and beat him with it. I will grant, however, that the article did not go over what happened immediately after. I like to think that the soldier called in an air strike and obliterated those deviants.

Yes, today is Veterans Day. Being a government employee, that means I get the day off. To celebrate, I intend to masturbate continuously listen to war protest classic rock laze on the couch with the Dhammapada remember all of America's proud men and women in uniform and celebrate their accomplishments by masturbating constantly by eating the rest of the unfinished Halloween chocolates by observing a moment of silence to ponder sometime after lunch when I decide to take a nap.