January 20, 2010

• Jimbo's History of the United States

  Gather around children and listen to Uncle Jimbo. It is time for me to tell you little ones about a great American president: James Monroe. It was the Late Cretaceous when triceratops still roamed that ol' Jimmy was elected as the fifth president of our young republic. The US just gave Britain a good talking-to after the War of 6:12 PM and everyone was feeling super happy. They were even willing to look over his frequent sighs and lustful stares toward France.

  Anywho, after being elected president, he didn't have anywhere to live since the white house was destroyed. He spent the first few months of his administration living in an old stagecoach carton. Secretary of State John "Number Six" Adams was especially vocal when complaining about holding meetings in farmer Ted's barn. These meetings, however, did set the precedent of concluding every presidential cabinet meeting with cow tipping.

  In an effort to quell the rise of "hip-hop" music, President Monroe began sending black slaves back to Africa. In an act of pure hubris, he even named the capital of the new colony after himself: Jamesovia. The new colony is now the leading exporter of sunshine, kittens, and smiles.

  President Number Five is well known for his work in the Missouri compromise. The area of Missouri filled out an application for statehood, but left the blank stating "Will slavery be permissible in the new state?" empty. This caused a commotion in the government bureaucracy. Some called for Missouri to fill out a new form, some called for the request and any others to be rejected, and some called for the immediate hanging of Benjamin Howards, the barber who accidentally nicked John Calhoun's chin while giving him a shave. In an impressive display of political savvy, Monroe admitted Missouri and Maine as states, but only with the compromise that they both be incredibly boring.

  Monroe's greatest legacy was likely the short bit of text that later bore his name: the James Doctrine. Using an amazing level of foresight, he declared that all people trying to gain citizenship to the country must memorize what the doctrine states in order to pass the examination. In the James Doctrine, he basically told the European powers that if they wanted to try anything funny in this hemisphere, they would have to go through him. Europe, of course, readily capitulated after a brief discussion with Monroe wherein he carried a rather sizable rifle. International politics were never the same again.

  Okay, that's all kiddos. Go out and grab Uncle Jimbo some Charleston Chew. I'm getting a bit hungry.

  

  • 2:04 pm
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