I have a question before I begin. Could the movie's title be a subtle reference to masturbation? It just sounds like one of those phrases that end with "if you know what I mean". "I have to go and train the dragon, if you know what I mean." That's all I could think of while I sat waiting for it to start. Fortunately, the movie makes no reference to autoeroticism. This is a children's movie, pervert!

While I wouldn't say the movie was a glorious beacon of uplifting amazement, I will say that it was an entertaining way to spend an afternoon. The story revolves around a Viking village and its local embarrassment Hiccough. As is the law with these types of movies, the local embarrassment becomes the main character and must do whatever he can to prove to the village that he is a god among men and deserves all of the poon that only his main squeeze Ashtray can provide. He then imprisons a dragon and domesticates it. Go figure.

The graphics were dandy, but I suppose that's the norm for this type of movie nowadays. I did think it was a bit silly to so carefully render each individual hair on the older Vikings ludicrously goofy-looking beards, though. I also feel a little concerned about the artistic developers that designed each character's clothing. Would a little consistency be too much to ask for? The older Vikings are fully decked out in armor and horned hats, Ashtray looks like she was caught in a Hot Topic explosion, and Hiccough apparently shops at the universe's least stimulating clothing store. Fortunately, the lead dragon, Archetoothus, is absolutely adorable without any clothing at all. The kid next to me (whom I wanted to smother to death because he wouldn't keep his mouth shut) even said he wanted one. D'aww~

The movie's ending left me feeling awkward. Well, I shouldn't say the ending itself, but what it implied. In a desperate effort to end the movie in a blaze of glory, Hiccough and Archetoothus are pitted against a volcano-size dragon. Throughout most of the ending, my mind was caught up in wondering what the giant dragon's role is in the hierarchy of these creatures. At one point it was suggested that there was a sort of queen-of-the-hive relationship. By aiding humanity in killing the queen, did Archetoothus just ensure the extinction of its entire dragon species? It was very bizarre.

By the time the giant dragon is brought to its Death Star-like end, all of the people and dragons live happily ever after. This is, of course, completely unrealistic. The beginning of the movie spends a lot of time explaining how the Viking's hatred of dragons stretches back for generations. It's far too optimistic to assume generations of prejudice will just dissipate in a single day. Such a saccharine theme is completely lost to a cynic like me.

Overall, I had fun with the movie. I give it a solid 8.701185 / 10.23. Plus, the fact that Hiccough has the hots only for the superiour blond-haired, blue-eyed Aryan exemplar makes the Führer proud and brings warmth to my heart… Actually, I think that's acid reflux.

I have heard a lot of complaints about soul-sucking jobs that once belonged to humans going to robots: factory workers, phone operators, &c. I suppose this would be an issue for people who lose their jobs because of these machines (and for anyone who tries to call tech support), but I think it is, overall, a good thing. In fact, I can think of several more jobs that need to go the way of the automaton.

Fashion Model - Walk to one end of a platform, pause, turn around, and walk back. I can think of no simpler task to give to a robot. This may even cure some of those anorexia problems, since women will no longer have pencil-thin human models to compare themselves to. In fact, I recall a YouTube video that suggests this is already in the works. That's hot.

Professional Athletes - I think we are reaching a plateau when it comes to athletic ability. With so many rules against performance-enhancing drugs, sports probably aren't going to get much more exciting. I say we just ditch the entire idea of using self-limiting meatbags and just upgrade to robotic players that can improve at pace with technology. Without the need to worry about steroids and the like we will see competition seriously heat up. (No, this idea did not stem from repressed geek ire against jocks.)

Fast Food Employees - I already think the steps to replace human employees are underway. Most of the meals are hardwired as easy-to-compute numbers; Heat lamps and prepackaged food have essentially eliminated the need to know how to actually cook; current employees have about as much warmth and emotion as a glass of tap water. I truly think if they replace them with robots tomorrow, not a single customer would notice.

Soap Opera Actors - The characters on these show are just walking clichés. I'm sure a software program can easily keep back-and-forth relationships going indefinitely. Well, that's what I assume soap operas are all about. It's not like I watch soap operas or anything. Ha ha ha!

Now that this movie has finally gotten around to ascending bodily into the heaven that is RedBox, I found the chance to watch it and can now review it. I feel like a little child again, which is fortunate since this is a Disney movie we're talking about. Before I begin the actual review, let me chastise Disney for a second. Disney, I'm very ashamed with you. You used to be very good at creatively bringing new light to old stories, but here you are wishing upon stars again. Would it have been so hard to think of anything new? Maybe have the character wish upon, I dunno, a discarded fish head or something?

Anyway, the movie is mostly functional, if a little awkward at times. Maybe the psychological profile of the Bayou-folk is different, but I know running into a talking frog would completely weird me out. I mean, I would have to change my entire world view! I guess the people of New Orleans are used to talking animals.

Well, I'm three paragraphs in and have hardly spoken about the film at all. There's a good reason for that: there isn't much to say. The story revolves around a proletariat African-American woman who works several jobs to save up and start her own business. Apparently she thinks banks and W-2 statements are below her, since she saves all of her money as cash in coffee cans. The plot hastily moves along to talking frogs, a blues-playing alligator, a trio of hillbillies, the shortest Mardi Gras ever, and wraps up with a pink-wearing blond gold-digger that seems to be hatching a Tale of Genji-like plan with Prince Charming's much, much younger brother.

Stepping away from the movie once more, why is it a commonly accepted fact that all animals can talk to each other? I can understand the story potential, but it just doesn't make sense when you think about it. It might be entertaining to see a movie where all of the animals can't talk to each other... Actually, no. No it would not. Nevermind.

The movie's animation was a nice change of pace. So many animated movies nowadays are CG that seeing classic drawn animation is very nice. It harkens back to bygone days before Toy Story had to go and ruin everything. There was one small detail I noticed that I was very fond of. The married characters actually wore rings! This one nuance was enough to seal my appreciation for the animators, even if certain flashy voodoo scenes forced me into epileptic seizures. I'm also surprised this movie didn't erupt into a wave of scandal. I mean, for almost nine-tenths of the movie, the main characters were naked. Granted, they were frogs, but still! Naked! I'm sure Disney received plenty of hate-mail for this.

To sum up the movie, it was mostly entertaining, but at times extremely boring. I would have to give it an average 7.568144 / 10.23. If you're in to this sort of thing and have a dollar-five lying around, you may as well see it, but don't expect me to force you. By the movie's conclusion, I half expected Prince Charming to say something along the lines of, "sorry, I feel you were sexier as a frog." He spends half of his time ogling her shiny, oily body and her long, slender legs that this should be expected. Alas, it didn't happen. I didn't take points off for that, but it's something I want Disney to keep in mind for next time.

by Jimbo
Jimbo News Network

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Japanese anime fans across the country are in shock today after Democratic New Hampshire state representative Nick Levasseur posted an insensitive remark on his Facebook page. Quoting the politician's post, "anime is a prime example of why two nukes just wasn't enough". Republican opponents were quick to jump on the statement, but no attacks were as vicious as those from anime fans. The representative's inbox was quickly filled with messages containing vitriolic memes such as "EPIC FAIL" and "you're going down in November, BELIEVE IT!"

"It's pure hate-speak," says a member of the local anime group Students for Anime Knowledge Education. Protests are already being held outside Levasseur's Manchester office, led by SAKE and other grassroots organizations. Protesters are making claims that Levasseur has not had enough exposure to form a legitimate opinion and readily regurgitated their favorite series at the slightest provocation. The protests so far have been peaceful, but participants have been seen wielding seven-foot swords and paper fans. It should be assumed that female protestors also have large hammers concealed on their person.

Anime fans that often vote Democrat are devastated by the news. "I… I'm at a loss," says a self-proclaimed Concord otaku. "I've voted Democrat in every election since I turned eighteen, but to see this kind of talk from someone I helped elect… it's just too much." He pulled his pillow adorned with a female anime character closer to him as he paused in thought.

Levasseur was quick to issue an apology and take down the post. He claims it has no place in private or public discourse. He hurriedly tried to gloss over the slip-up. "I meant it only in regards to, y'know, certain types of anime, not all of it." He later reposted an amended version of the statement: "The anime that my otaku constituents don't like is a prime example of why two nukes just wasn't enough." Interviewed anime fans put their hands to their head and bluntly stated that he missed the point.

Grammar Nazis are similarly outraged by the representative's post, but for a different reason.

Okay poor people, I don't care if you harass me for money whenever I try to get anywhere. As a surly young adult, you all are no challenge to my highly refined powers of ignoring people. If you want the precious few dollars I occasionally have making my wallet untidy, you have to earn it.

Let me give you an example of how to do it properly. When I visited DC a few weeks ago, I passed three panhandlers between the metro station and my destination. The first two were your standard affair: sitting there lazily and requesting handouts since they fought in some undisclosed war. They were efficiently ignored. The third actually got the three dollars I had in my wallet. Let me explain how he earned his keep. He was standing on a knee-high wall alternating every few seconds from one foot to the other. While doing this, he was juggling a football*, a bowling ball, and a tennis racquet. If I was the type of person who wore a hat, I would have tipped it toward him. He didn't speak. He didn't badger me for money. He simply balanced there juggling with an open duffel bag on the ground in front of him. I plopped the bills in there in exchange for the service; he impressed me. I said "good show" and moved on with my wallet about three grams lighter.

That's how you do it. If you want to make a decent amount of cash, learn a skill. Later that same day, I came across another panhandler who was playing a selection of patriotic tunes with a fife. He was energetic, smiled, and thanked everyone that dropped a few dollars into his bag. I would have given a few bucks to him if I hadn't already emptied my wallet for the juggler.

That brings me to my second hint: carry around a credit card reader. People nowadays don't carry cash.

* Note: Not a handegg

The more I think about it, the more polytheism just makes sense. When a monotheistic religion has an all-powerful, all-loving, all-knowing deity, it has to think of all sorts of convoluted reasons for why there is evil in the world and why bad things happen to good people. Satanic involvement, a sin-stained world, djinn possession, &c. All of these silly explanations are simply washed away when you split that omni god into a myriad of gods that collectively hold that single god's abilities.

You see, we are now no longer bound by the three big requirements: all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful. Some gods can be loving, others can be complete pricks. None of them are all-knowing or all-powerful. They are only skilled in their respective area of expertise: storms, crops, alcohol, wet-dreams, &c. If something goes wrong in life, there could be any number of reasons. The particular god in question was having a row with another. That god might've been completely hammered at the time. The god just might not like you.

Of course, this sort of things can come back to haunt you. For example, the god of unprotected sex might get a little jealous at the lack of praises sung in His name (c'mon, this god is obviously a guy) and release a new STD into the world. He would later visit the god of tequila and get completely shitfaced. We could try and hold a mandatory holiday celebration for each of the gods, but I highly doubt any work would get done with all of the days off.

(Note from Editor's desk: I thought it was interesting that Microsoft Word did not consider "shitfaced" an incorrectly spelled word)

On Thursday, I took a little time off for another hike in the woods. After downing a pharmacy's worth of Benadryl to keep my hay fever in check, I ventured forth into the fierce 70° weather with camera in tow. It was once again time to remind myself and the world that I am not a nature photographer.

In this tiny pond, there must be a metric poop-ton of turtles. The handful you see in this photo are either the braver or the stupider of the lot, as all of the others slipped quickly under the water.

How many of these animal prints can you identify? Don't answer that; I really don't care.

Geese? Gooses? Gice? Can we just give up on the English language?

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I found this game on Da__Vinci's xanga. Good luck, readers! Spread it around. Xanga games are like viruses, only slightly more contagious. 

1.    Pick 16 of your favorite movies.
2.    Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3.    Post them here for everyone to guess.
4.    Bold it when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.
5.    No Googling/using IMDb search or other search functions.

"Good Lord, this has more twists and turns than Chubby Checker in a blender."

"Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed."

"They're cool… available… and addictive. The job is almost done for us." - missobtuse

"He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking."

"The perfect blossom is a rare thing. You could spend your life looking for one, and it would not be a wasted life."

"This is called farming! You kids are gonna grow all kinds of plants! Vegetable plants, pizza plants." - Valkyrie6

"They say, 'Evil prevails when good men fail to act.' What they ought to say is, 'Evil prevails.'"

"I believe whatever doesn't kill you only makes you… stranger."

"You sold me queer giraffes. I want my money back." - Valkyrie6

"Honey, is that Michael Bolton's version of The Thong Song?"

"It's like video games in 3-D!"

"When I wish a blacksmith to advise me in war, I will tell him."

"Do you see another world out there? No, you see a field. Do you see anything non-human? No. And you know why? Because it's a field!"

"Nothing I have been told about these people is correct. They are not thieves or beggars. They are not the bogeymen they are made out to be. On the contrary, they are polite guest and I enjoy their humor."

"He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars, bigotry, televangelism. But especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it." -  Da__Vinci

"'The gloves are off, God.', 'God has taken my bird and my bush.', 'God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass.', 'Smite me, O Mighty Smiter.' Now, I'm not big on blasphemy, but that last one made me laugh." - Schristian

(Disclaimer: As is tradition with me and favorite movie lists, I did not include Japanese anime movies)

I am starting to think these GameFAQs character polls aren't about the characters at all. This inclination was forming throughout this year's character battle, but it finally hit home with this morning's Link v. Sonic poll. At time of writing (09:33), Link holds a 70/30 lead over Sonic. It is this ratio that makes me shout at my computer such profound expletives as "balderdash" and "poppycock".

I want to make clear that I am a fan of the Legend of Zelda series. If this was a game series battle, then I would completely approve of its ascent. However, Link as a character should not even pass the first seed. He is not a character. Link is just a generic sword that can be, and has been, replaced by just about anything and would still result in the exact same game (see Okami or Darksiders).

Sonic, by comparison, actually has character. As the old advertisements used to tell me, this is the hedgehog with an attitude. He stands up for what is right, but remains childish and stubborn. He is the fastest thing alive, knows it, and brags about it often.

Stepping one back, I see the same problem with Luigi. He was beaten by Link, as well. This is unacceptable. Luigi has more character elaboration than most of the schmucks on the list. Anyone who has played Luigi's Mansion knows that if it was any other character, the game would not work.  He is a high-jumping coward with Teflon brand shoes and ample jealousy toward Mario's romantic liaisons.

Looking over the remaining contenders, I think the only character-that-has-character remaining is Solid Snake. I am hereby throwing all of my support to him. If Luigi or Sonic can't win, it better be him.

I think it is time marketing departments got serious. I am tired of them dragging out the same old clichés for similar products. It is getting embarrassing. I mean, how many times do I have to pick up some dish soap at Ye Olde General Shoppe and have it say "grease fighter" on the label? Grease fighter! I have been using "grease fighters" since my childhood days working in Ye Olde Dishwashing Sweatshoppe.

I have some very simple suggestions to try and alleviate this travesty. First of all, try to mix it up with some "of" phrases. Instead of "grease fighter", you have "fighter of grease". With that simple change the mental image is no longer of some weak, scented liquid, but that of an armor-clad gladiator ready to enter battle against the dread forces of encrusted cooking oil. This image is even more powerful if you begin the nouns with capital letters: "Fighter of Grease".

Next, don't just use the exact same words everyone else uses. Make the nouns you choose powerful! Building on our previous example, let us go beyond "Fighter of Grease". We need something with more oomph, if you will. Picture it: "Vanquisher of Grease!" or "Slayer of Filth!" The same can go for those "antibacterial" hand soaps. Before I die, I want to see on a label "The Almighty Deathbringer to Bacteria!"