by Jimbo
Jimbo News Network - Political Correspondent

Not so loud...

After the recent World Cup draw, President Barack Obama and English Prime Minister David Cameron followed through on their informal wager to trade their nation's best beer. The brands of beer, however, were largely forgotten over the day's festivities. Several hours and multiple beer brands later, the two government heads continued trading their countries best examples of citizen stereotypes, world leader impersonations, and Polish jokes. Much of JNN's live broadcast needed to be bleeped due to the frequent use of barely coherent profanity.

Around sunset, each leader opted to give a speech to the people. While it was difficult to transcribe the two's slurred speech, it is believed President Obama pinned the blame for the BP spill on Cameron, while the Prime Minister said it was the fault of shoddy American builders. The two did not talk to each other for several minutes, but resumed friendly relations when Secretary of Defence Robert Gates brought in his copy of The Beatles Rock Band.

The summit came to a conclusion after Prime Minister Cameron passed out during a third round of Octopus's Garden. President Obama wore a smug look for the remainder of the evening.

Both leaders called out sick the following morning.

Teach the controversy

Dear Internet Users,

Please refer to the following list so that I will not have to gather you all up and smack you across the forehead one at a time for writing like complete schmucks.

1. Learn when to capitalize letters – There are lots of rules for this, so let me just cover the basics.
   • You capitalize the first letter of a sentence. This is not optional. If you want to look smug, you can try using semicolons. Be warned, I know how to use them too.
   • You capitalize the first letter of a proper noun. To put it simply, you capitalize the first letter to names. Most pronouns do not require capitalization save for referring to yourself with "I" or when using a pronoun referring to Me.
   • Capitalizing all of the letters in your writing can be excessive. It might make it appear that you are yelling, but it also makes a reader slow down and makes you look like a whiny prick.
2. Learn the difference between there, their, and they're
   • "There" refers to a location (ex. The gas chambers you need to shower in are over there.)
   • "Their" is a possessive pronoun for more than one person (ex. Their writing will be burned in those furnaces.)
   • "They're" is a contraction of "they are". (ex. They're going to anger the Fuhrer if they keep screwing up.)
3. Learn the difference between your and you're
   • "You're" is a contraction of "you are". (ex. If you keep making mistake, you're going to really piss me off.)
   • Your is a possessive second-person pronoun (ex. Your lack of knowledge is showing.)
4. This doesn't have much to do with proper grammar, but using Internet abbreviations and emoticons is not cute. If you can't show your emotion in your writing, rewrite until it is made clear.
5. Proofread your writing. That is all.

I understand the primary language for some Internet users is not English, and I will make an exception for them. I know I don't know any other languages, so I have no room to complain. Everyone else, however, needs to learn the rules. Arbeit macht frei!

Sincerely,
Heir Jimbo

After my previous, highly-successful video game list post (a whopping four comments!), I decided to post up another potentially controversial series of lists for one of the most beloved game series of all time: The Legend of Zelda. This series of games has a special place in my heart, lots of fond (and sometimes not so fond) memories, and a track record of usually releasing decent games. Of course, everyone knows that already, so let me just carry on with some lists.

My Top Five Favorite Zelda Games:
5. The Wind Waker – I hear a lot of people complain about the sailing, but it never really bothered me much. I didn't find it much different from hiking across Hyrule Field or meandering through mazes lined with trees in the 2D games. I also enjoyed the cel-shaded look it had going. The game was functional, the temples were satisfying, and the pseudo-romance(?) between Link and Tetra was positively adorable.
4. Twilight Princess – While this game remained largely true to the regular Zelda formula, one part made it stand out: Midna. I'll mention her in a later list, but let me just say that this game did more to characterize her that I connected with her more than any other in the series. The game's ending left me positively heart-broken. I hope this isn't the last time we see her.
3. Oracle of Ages – I don't care much about the 2D Zeldas, but this one was a lot of fun for me. The time travel mechanic, while in desperate need of a DeLorean, worked well and made for some clever puzzle solving.
2. Majora's Mask – I like to consider this game one long side quest. There are only four temples, so the side quests are all that hold the game up. I remember being hesitant when I first heard about the strict "three day" time limit, but after I first starting playing it, I realized that it adds a fun twist and never thought poorly of it again. It took all of the characters from Ocarina of Time and reimagined them into far more interesting people than its predecessor. Most importantly, just like Ocarina of Time, it was fun.
1. Ocarina of Time – I'm sure that anybody making one of these lists would have Ocarina of Time at number one, or at least very near the top. It's long, keeps side quests largely on the side, and has tight, intuitive controls. Most importantly, it's just bloody fun to play! I remember first playing this game at a friend's place, and demanding my father purchase it immediately after getting home. As the nostalgia piles up, I don't think any future Zelda games will knock this one out of place.

My Bottom Five Least Favorite Zelda Games:
5. The Legend of Zelda – A lot of people hold the original Zelda as an exemplar of classic gaming, but I found it boring and antiquated. In my mind, I choose to ignore the first two games and pretend that the Zelda series began with Link to the Past.
4. Oracle of Seasons – Jumping between time in Oracle of Ages was a lot of fun and clever, but jumping between seasons in this one lacked the same entertainment value. It also loses some points for forcing me to play it through just to see the "true" ending to Oracle of Ages.
3. Spirit Tracks – After releasing Phantom Hourglass with hideous controls, Team Zelda decided to release another sequel with the exact same controls and hope I wouldn't notice. Also, after hearing all of the complaints from people about sailing, they decide to include an even slower and less direct method of transport. Let us not forget the instant death Demon Trains that shoot you back to your last continue point, or, more appropriately, your last save point as you rage quit and throw your DS angrily (and gently) onto your couch. The only thing this game has going for it is one of the greatest "helper" characters in the series.
2. Adventure of Link – Some people like Zelda II and others, like myself, dislike it. It was boring and, for me at least, tough as nails.
1. Phantom Hourglass – I don't know what certain game reviewers were playing when they praised the controls, but I found the touch screen sword-fighting and movement to be completely ridiculous and an almost unplayable mess. Let us also forget about the completely unlikeable characters that inhabit the islands that take an eternity to reach. Worst of all, I hope the game designers are sent to Hell for making me return to the main temple after every boss battle to go through the same levels over and over again. I also haven't forgotten the point in the game where I had to check GameFAQs just to find out that I had to close the DS and reopen it to copy a map. Thanks for being a completely unintuitive mess of a game.

My Top Five Favorite Characters:
5. The Happy Mask Salesman (Majora's Mask) – Hilariously schizophrenic. That is all.
4. Anju (Majora's Mask) – Sure, Anju was technically in Ocarina of Time, but she was just a nobody with a strange cucco fetish. She really didn't become noticeable until Majora's Mask and the entire Kafei-Anju soap opera. I was going to make this entry another joint entry, but I actually thought Kafei was kinda creepy looking.
3. Kotake and Koume (Ocarina of Time) – Is there anything more fun to watch than two elderly twin sisters bicker? Granted, it was a short scene, but I was certainly laughing.
2. Midna (Twilight Princess) – Midna is such a fun character. She's a smug, cynical prankster that wormed her way in to my heart. Over the course of the game, her story was unraveled before the player and made my heart grow three sizes that day (I'm a marathon gamer when it comes to new Zelda entries). She was so cute and almost gave me a heart attack every time I made wolf-Link dash and Midna shout, "oh!" (note: three consecutive sentences with the word "heart". See why she's so high up the list?)
1. Zelda's Ghost (Spirit Tracks) – I realize that I roundly lambasted Spirit Tracks previously, but the reason that it ranked merely at number three was because of Zelda's role as support character. She is absolutely adorable and practically satirizes the entire Zelda series. One of my favorite scenes came when she and Link came to the central tower and said something along the lines of, "I'll wait here for you; it's sort of a family tradition." That actually made me put the game down and curl up in a fit of giggles. I would go so far as to say it's one of my favorite lines in all of gaming, but I think I'll save that for a future list.

My Bottom Five Least Favorite Characters:
5. Navi (Ocarina of Time) – I think we all know why Navi is on the list. I'm not going to bother with a paragraph.
4. Link (&c.) – The reason the main protagonist in all of the games is the same reason why I don't like Mario. These two famous game figures are not characters. They are generic entities that could be replaced by anything and we'd still have the same game. They're tools.
3. Kaepora Gaebora (Ocarina of Time) – Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. The master of the unskippable tutorial speech just halts the game progression every time, and I hate him for it. I don't care how far back his history goes, he's an annoyance.
2. The Mailman (Ocarina of Time, &c.) – This character is just creepy. He's just a little too into his job. I also think he's a stalker.
1. Tingle (Majora's Mask, &c.) – Why does this character continue appearing in Zelda games?

As I was driving down the highway about a week ago, I saw a truck for an appliance company which I will tactfully assign the pseudonym "Algernon's Appliance Superstore". While I can't speak for the quality of their inventory which I'm sure is, for the sake of preventing lawsuits, excellent, but it was the company logo that stood out to me. At first glance it looked an awful lot like the SS symbol.

First thought: How could no one notice this?

Second thought: They did, and they made it their marketing strategy. Algernon's Appliance Superstore is subtly trying to tap into the grossly underrepresented modern Nazi market. I wonder why they don't go further for this audience. Go ahead and make the company logo an exact copy of the schutzstaffel logo. I'm sure no one would step up to defend the copyright. Also, imagine the tagline potential!

Saw something like this over at IGN. With one major exception, I mostly disagreed. Here's my top ten:

10. Rodrigo Borgia (Assassin's Creed II)
How often do you get to kill a pope? Never! Rodrigo Borgia (aka Pope Alexander VI) has essentially the same goal as the protagonist: he wishes to know the true nature of God. To this end, he does everything in his power, including becoming Pope, solely to gain access to the Vatican. He murders the character's family, bribes countless people, and basically performs every dirty trick to become the holiest person in the world. This is truly great characterization.

9. Through the Fire and the Flames (Guitar Hero III)
For those of you who protest and say this isn't a villain, you obviously haven't played this yet. I still remember when I first beat this "boss" on Hard difficulty (I can't even get passed the first few seconds on Extreme). I just had the biggest grin on my face. I was so satisfied that I had to turn the game off. Granted, my arm felt like it was going to fall off so I couldn't play any longer if I tried, but it was still the opposite of a rage quit. It was a joy quit.

8. Majora's Mask (Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask)
Majora's Mask takes such a high spot because of its sheer gall. The mask comes across a heartbroken skullkid, freshly rejected by his group of buddies, and takes complete advantage of him to complete its own ends. He compounds upon his host's annoyance and amplifies it into pure rage and drives him to destroy the world of Termina. Add to that one of the creepiest forms a final boss can take and you have a true villain.

7. Dr Ivo Robotnik (Sonic the Hedgehog series)
The thing that brings the good doctor up this high on the list is how he is introduced in the first few games. His plan to take over the world: capture a bunch of tiny animals and turn them into robots. Why? What else would you use a robot-making machine for? Cyber-punking a credenza?

6. Sander Cohen (BioShock)
"So say goodbye to those two blowhards and hello to an evening with Sander Cohen." With those words, you are introduced to one of the maddest characters of all time. Plaster coated ballet dancers descend from the ceiling and the stage lights go on. He came to Rapture as an artist to work in complete freedom. This freedom allowed his out madness and, thankfully, gave the player a nice break from the Atlas-Ryan clash. It was my most memorable part of the game.

5. Gehn (Riven)
The man who fancies himself a god. He tries to murder his son, he imprisons his son's wife, and, if you play your cards right, he sings opera at you. His unstable ages are essentially a metaphor for an unstable mind. It's just so much fun to replay Riven to reach the end and meet this fascinating villain. I love it.

4. Revolver Ocelot (Metal Gear Solid series)
Just whose side are you on, Ocelot? I have played all four of the "Solid" games, and I'm still not completely sure. Either way, your choice of weapon and the skill in that speciality are top notch. Plus, your relationship with Snake, that of a friendlyish-rival, is so much fun to watch. Keep doing that hand gesture.

3. Alma Wade (FEAR)
FEAR. It remains the only game that truly scared me. I can basically give all of the credit for this to the creepy little girl that has a penchant for appearing at the top of a ladder forcing a rapid bowel evacuation upon the player. Best of all, she has a legitimate reason to be evil. Rather than trying to steal the princess or take over the kingdom, Alma was trained from birth to be a soldier, got knocked up against her will, had her children taken from her, then got put into stasis for years. She hates everyone, and I wouldn't have her any other way.

2. Psycho Mantis (Metal Gear Solid)
For me, the best video game villains are the ones that don't simply get into the player character's head, but get into the actual player's head. Aside from the one just above, no character does this better than Psycho Mantis. He doesn't just talk to you, he even checks out what games you've played and moves your controller across the table with his mind. It was genius and remains one of the most frustrating boss battles.

1. GLaDOS (Portal)
Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System. GLaDOS is your only companion. GLaDOS is your guide through the labs and trials ahead. GLaDOS is polite and, like any good host, offers cake. Oh, and GLaDOS is also going to murder you. The contrast is just amazing and mind-blowing. My favorite part is just "her" nonchalance when it comes to matters of death. "I was going to invite your best friend, the companion cube. But he couldn't come because you murdered him." By the gods, just brilliant. GLaDOS isn't just the best game villain, "she's" probably the best video game character of all time.

Honorable Mention: Bad Controls (Scribblenauts)
When I first acquired Scribblenauts, I was so excited. I became a god. At least, I felt that way until I actually started playing and realized that it was an unplayable mess. My wings melted and had my pessimistic weltanschauung reaffirmed.

Hey there, listeners. You're tuned in to 102.3 FM, The Jimbo. It's coming up on 5 o'clock, so it's time for traffic. How are the roads looking out there, Jimbo?

Well, as you know, The Rapture occurred about an hour ago, so the roads are positively a mess all around the DC metro area. Cars emptied of their occupants are blocking lanes along the entire beltway and we have reports of several accidents from speeding cars suddenly losing their drivers. Traffic is also bad Downtown, as some people realize they were not among The Chosen and decide to go on a godless killing spree, littering the roads with bodies resulting in further slowdowns. The suburban areas, so far, are moving at speed, but volume is already increasing as those remaining flock to churches in a last ditch effort to repent for their evil ways. Let us not forget our regular rush hour backups where traffic was already at a crawl near the Springfield Interchange and the 270 Spur. That's your 102.3 traffic, up to the minute, here on 102.3 FM, The Jimbo. Now, back to music!

I find myself in a rather unique position when it comes to this movie. You see, I'm one of the only human beings on the planet who never saw the original Karate Kid movie(s), so I would get to enjoy the film without constantly trying to compare it to the past. This is very fortunate since the movie itself is so awful that any attempt to taint my nostalgia would probably result in some deceased theatre-goers.

The movie revolves around little Jaden Smith, who proudly inherited his father's inability to act, moving to China for reasons that are, frankly, completely unimportant and only referenced once in the entire movie. After flirting with an adorable Chinese girl who was probably three feet taller than him, he is confronted by a bunch of bullies and summarily turned into ground beef. This was probably the highlight of the movie for me since it wiped Smith's sad puppy-dog expression off of his face. Noticing the little one in need of assistance, he is trained in martial arts by a drunken pedophile who likes to hold him and watch him train without a shirt on.

The weirdest part about the movie is how the actual "karate kid" part of The Karate Kid was over in about five minutes. I hope you all know what this means. It's time for a montage! Seriously, aside from the training montage, the rest of the movie was droll filler that left, no joke, the kid sitting next to me sleeping in his chair. I could hardly blame him. The movie was so boring that I wished I had my DS with me. If anyone tried to hush me, it would probably be because they were trying to nap.

Also, the one who decided on the soundtrack needs to be drawn, hanged, and quartered. The song selection had no relation to the movie whatsoever. It was almost as if the guy pulled a random CD from his daughter's Kidz Bop collection and just choose the songs on the back of the case. The only other time I could think of such a disjointed soundtrack was The Graduate's best of Simon and Garfunkel. At least Simon and Garfunkel music is bearable.

As I was leaving the theatre stewing in my own distaste, I tried to make the petty excuse that it was a "family movie" and should be considered more leniently. This thought barely had time to finish before I swatted it away. Being a family movie does not require leniency. Pixar movies are living proof of that. I'm not even sure that it's supposed to be a family movie, anyway, considering how much Jaden curses like a sailor.

I went in to the theatre hoping to watch a movie about a little underdog building up his strength until he can topple Ivan Drago in the ring. What I got was a boring movie about Jaden Smith throwing puppy dog eyes around begging for attention and a five-minute montage. It earns a paltry 5.012882 / 10.23. Sigh… I remember a time when Jackie Chan used to be in good movies.

(Note: This post is best read as flamboyantly as possible)

Oh. My. God. You two are just a fashion disaster! Just look at the clothes you're wearing. Faux pas~ Oh! I just do not know where to begin. Okay, tell you what, I'll start with you, handsome. I don't know if you realized this, but we're in the early summer. What are you doing dressing like you're going to hit the bars of Wasilla in February? Do I even want to ask why both the bottom AND the top of your coat are unzipped? I suppose it does provide easier access to your Happy Frank, but it looks simply awful! Also, the seventies called and they want their calculator watch back. It is just beyond me why you would wear it on the outside of your jacket. Fashion and utility are non-overlapping magistrates, cutie. And I definitely think they need to execute capital punishment for anyone who tucks their pants into their shoes. No, no, no, don't even get me started on your Marty McFly shoes. Let's just leave it at that!

Don't you start relaxing, sister! Mmm-mmm, I can understand his abominable fashion sense; he is just a man, after all. You don't have any excuse, though. Before I start with my bitching tirade, let me just say I'm glad you dressed for the weather. Sweety, you better take a tip from your lady-friend here. Now! Where should I be~gin? Oh… I know just where to start. EVERYTHING! Ah, it is just making me faint looking at you. One-hit KO, sister. Daisy Dukes? Really? My. God. What did you use to shorten them, anyway? A boxcutter? You look like some kind of hooker from Georgia. And let me tell you, the hair does not help the image. What did YOU have to do to your hat to make that Medusa do fit, anyway? Cut the back out? Two words for you, sweety: poker visor. Ah! I can't even picture that. Dreadful~ Lose the hair or just go without a hat. Yes, that would be the best idea, honey. And just what kind of color combination are you going for here? Pink on black? Emo My Little Pony? Why you would even need to use pink with your construction boots… tcha! Beyond me~

Oh! I better stop there. I am all of a flutter! You two: go and change before I throw a fit. What is this world coming to?