Sonic the Hedgehog 4 - Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace is Sonic Team's latest feigned attempt to show gamers that they're not complete screw-ups and clear up their besmirched name. They listened to Sonic fans' cries of anguish from atop their money piles and gave nary a care. However, after glancing longingly at the frankly embarrassing amounts of money New Super Mario Bros. was earning, they decided it was time to give this "retro" experiment a try.

I will readily admit to belonging to the small and wretched breed that genuinely considered the classic Sonic games more fun than the classic Mario games. When I heard that Sonic Team was going to release a new game that paid homage to the classics, I kept my skeptic hat firmly in place but remained interested. Sadly, they decided to follow the path of New Super Mario Bros. instead of Megaman 9-10. In other words, they released a game that is like their classic games, only they control worse, the graphics awkwardly don't fit the gameplay, the new features are unnecessary and unwelcome, and they are generally less fun.

Mind, I'm not saying that Sonic 4 is completely unentertaining. I had a lot of fun playing it, even though I was regularly frustrated by some of the ridiculous crap you have to pull off (ah… just like the good ol' days). While I will be ripping harshly into the game after this paragraph, it was probably the only significant fun I've had with Sonic since his cameo in Super Smash Bros. Brawl.

Shortly after the now legendary cry of "SEGA!" hit my ears, I was fully immersed; but, nitpicks continually shot spitballs at me throughout the experience. First of all, Sonic is meant to be the fastest thing alive, so why does he accelerate at roughly the same rate as a deflated dirigible? Secondly, why in the heavens would you have Sonic uncurl when airborne? I lost count of how many times I dropped all of my rings after touching an enemy because I unfurled just as I was about to spin into it. Thirdly, I have nothing against the homing attack, but was using a line of enemies as a bridge the only use you could think of for it? I felt glad every time the little animals inside fell to their death after breaking them free. It was like I was teaching them a lesson for being so stupid.

My biggest gripe with the game was their choice of zones. They seemed Hell bent on porting each and every one of my most hated zones from the past: Casino Night Zone, Labyrinth Zone, and Metropolis Zone. Each one of them sends waves of disgust through my being and to have them thrown back at me was disappointing. There was no Chemical Plant Zone. No Hydrocity Zone. No Oil Ocean Zone. All of my favorites were supplanted in favor of all of my most hated. However, I will add that they did a good job with the Metropolis Zone doppelganger. It was oddly my favorite of the bag. It was a lot of fun.

Although the game was short, it was fun. I think if Sonic Team tried a little harder, it could've come out much better, but I do not regret the purchase. I just hope they don't follow George Lucas's pattern in Sonic the Hedgehog 4 - Episode 2 - Attack of the Cheesy Dialogue.

Oh, and when the hell are they going to release a game based on the Sonic comics and SatAM cartoon?

You have to feel sorry for the children of presidents. It's just hard to picture any of them having a normal childhood in the White House. Take poor Sasha and Malia. They have to sleep in one of those bedrooms that is basically a museum. It's hard to picture one of those ornate rooms with walls covered in posters of the Backstreet Boys or Menudo or whatever is poplar among teeny-boppers of this day and age. Let us not forget the constant media scrutiny the kids are subjected to. "This is Nick News and it's time for your headlines. Presidential daughter Natasha reports a preference to Jacob, while Malia is firmly entrenched with Team Edward. We will continue to report on this as details come in."

Do you think these two ever get in to rows like normal kids? "Moooooom, Malia's on my side of the limo again. Make her sto~op!" Do the parents (the president and first lady) ever get cross with them? Would the media report on this? "This just in: Michelle Obama spotted yelling at children for not putting on their seatbelts. Could this indicate President Obama's scheme to curtail American freedoms? More at eleven!"

At any rate, it'll be interesting to see how these kids grow up. Chelsea seemed to turn out okay... at least, until the statute of limitations passes on the arson case.

My map of influences for writing. (Click to see entire thing)

As the last season fades away in my rearview, it's time to dredge out another selection of series to follow as the year comes to a close. With only one returning series, hopefully the new IPs will pique my interest. Surprisingly, many of them have, but then force me to hang my head after a single episode. None of them are complete deal-breakers, but they do highlight a trend that greatly saddens me. Anyway, enough introduction, let us get started. As usual, I shall list the series I am following in order of preference:

Amagami SS
Genre: romance

This is how I envision my death.

In an amazing stroke of genius, this series decided to forsake the traditionally long-winded romances of others and split their series into six independent stories. Thus far, it has been awesome. We have seen the popular upperclassman, the childhood friend, the underclassman, and begun the cool-serious arc. I'm looking forward to see what the future holds. Watch this series.

Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt
Genre: children's comedy

Everybody saw Undercover Brother, right? Good.

It seems that Gainax has taken a good look at itself and decided that it did not want to follow in line with its fellow animation brethren. Rather than make an ecchi-comedy in the traditional Japanese anime style, they decided to do it in the style of traditional American children's cartoons. Like American cartoons, it deals with issues relevant to a child's life, such as eating too many sweets, one night stands, and battling giant turd monsters. Considering Gainax's already perfect understanding of America, this comes as no surprise. It's funny, stupid, and ridiculously embarrassing… and I wouldn't have it any other way. I was especially fond of the magical girl-like transformation sequence that did away with all pretenses and just had them change on a pair of stripper poles. It's that kind of honesty that makes Gainax awesome.

Yosuga no Sora
Genre: drama

I think I saw postures like this in Da Vinci's Last Supper. But maybe that's just me.

You can tell a series is going to be good when a male protagonist enters a town and already five eager women are lining up to have him check their oil level with his dipstick </euphemism>. It was actually surprising. This series probably has less subtlety than a hentai series (if, also, less skin, but only just). The only thing that's really turning me off is the blatant sibling complex, and how the sister of affection is a whiny little brat.

Ore no Imouto [etc.]
(The title is about three miles long, so forgive me for not wanting to type it entirely)
Genre: comedy / fanservice

The male character's expression precisely mimics my own.

(Holds head in hands). God dammit, Japan. What the hell? Just once, I would like to see an anime season where they do not release a series revolving around the otaku lifestyle. I seriously think there is a limit to "writing about what you know". It's getting tiresome. Anyway, this series is mostly functional, and I can at least relate to the cool, rational, seemingly indifferent male protagonist.

Fortune Arterial: Akai Yakusoku
Genre: romantic-comedy (probably)

World War II… The X-rated version (There's plenty of space in my Lebensraum~)

Oh snap! Vampires! So long as they aren't goofy-looking disco balls, that should make any series great, right? Well, maybe not. This generic series seemed to try extremely hard to make its first episode just slightly less entertaining than picking the gunk out of the cracks of your mouse. I don't understand. The first episode is supposed to be the hook that keeps you coming back for more, and all they give you is about two seconds of intrigue and some slight homo-eroticism. And let us not forget how one of the most vocal characters was given someone straight from the "nails on a chalkboard" school of voice acting. Nevertheless, I am interested to see what they do with this. They slipped up early, but I still think there's potential for them to set things right. 

Kami nomi zo Shiru Sekai
Genre: romantic-comedy

Don't cross the streams!

(Holds head in hands) God dammit, Japan. What the hell? Just once, I would like to see an anime season where they do not release a series revolving around the otaku lifestyle. I seriously think there… oh wait, I did this before. But maybe that's my point. I shouldn't need to! Here's another series that panders to its fanbase as though it was worried that any concept of originality would scare them away like cockroaches before the kitchen light. This time it revolves around some schmuck who's skilled at visual novels and arbitrarily has to use this skill to "capture" girls in his bizarre-o version of real life before his Battle Royale collar explodes.

During my first year as president, I will make it my number one priority to see to it that prostitution becomes legalized in the United States. For too long, this activity has been criminalized and it is time for that to stop. This activity will have many positive effects for America:

• It will create thousands of new jobs right here in America. Thousands of jobs will be made available to men and women from all walks of life. This will put more money into the economy and encourage further job growth in other sectors.
• It will bring jobs back to our country. For too long, the rich citizens would leave this country for services elsewhere, and this has to stop. Instead of outsourcing, we should be bringing these services back to American soil!
• It will reduce crime in hundreds of cities. These illegal prostitutes and small business entrepreneurs, or "pimps", will be able to register their services and become legal. Legalizing these illegal activities will instantly reduce crime.
• It will improve working conditions for America's hookers. By legalizing these services, it will be possible to regulate and pass standards that will ensure safe and fair treatment.

Join me in helping to pass this historic legislation! We shall put this ugly past behind us and move toward the future. Write your congressperson now and see to it that you express your support. I hope to pass this during my first year… though, I don't think I'll have time for much else afterwards. Oh yeah~

I know what a lot of you are thinking. "What's The Secret of Kells?" Well, if I told you, then it wouldn't be a secret, now would it? Bad jokes aside, this movie is an Irish animated children's tale of such astounding depth and profundity that the studio is sure to never release another film because not enough people paid to see this one.

The story is your standard children's movie affair. A boy of about ten from some suburb similar to, I dunno, yours is called upon an epic quest to acquire some MacGuffin. The main difference is that the gated community in this particular movie is situated in medieval Ireland and is about to be under siege by an army of marauding Norsemen. Everything hinges on the Book of Kells, a beautifully scripted collection of the four gospels. Fortunately, there is almost no direct mention of Christianity, and the whole film seems to spend a lot of time in Celtic pagan territory. The lead protagonist spends much of his time consorting with a wood fairy and playing Tron with a demon snake, presenting more evidence toward that belief system than anything written in the book he's writing. I digress…

The film's art style is what made me pay attention to the movie in the first place, and is still my favorite aspect. Almost the entire movie is presented in a "flat" style reminiscent of ye olde tapestries, before fancy-pants techniques like "perspective" had to go and ruin everything. Rather than blather on, I will just conclude this paragraph by saying it is very pretty.

I find myself in the awkward position of not having enough to complain about. I tend to reach for my old standby of a crappy ending, but I actually thought this film did a decent job of it. The follow-through is just the right length to not make me think, "gee golly willickers, that was sudden" or "gee golly willickers, could they drag that out any longer?" If I did have to complain (and, as a reviewer, I do), I would complain about the overarching plot's simplicity. It's the standard light versus dark affair. Honestly, this is a petty complaint. Such an issue could be levied against Star Wars. The movie was interesting and I enjoyed it from beginning to end.

I was rather depressed to hear that The Secret of Kells didn't win best animated feature. I am not holding back when I say it was far superiour to the actual winner, Up. It's fun, beautifully animated, has interesting characters, and it's an actual cartoon (none of that CG stuff). I give it a solid 10 / 10.23. I may refer to it as a children's movie, but it is certainly much more than that.

(Aislin is watching you masturbate)

I took another trip down to DC yesterday. It was a lot of fun, but as luck would have it, I decided to visit on the same day a bunch of loud people threw a rally about something-or-another. That meant I had to deal with a packed metro station on my way there and on my way back. Hooray! Anyway, my legs are still recovering from what my Pokéwalker says was a nineteen-thousand step day, so let me just put up a picture post. Enjoy DC!

This is what I picture whenever somebody says a person has "defined cheekbones". (Natural History Museum)

Thanks Smithsonian. I really needed to be reminded of my frequent dysentery deaths in Oregon Trail. (Natural History Museum)

Death by eagle attack must suck. (Natural History Museum)