December 18, 2010

• Tron Legacy, a review

  Full Disclaimer: Jimbo has not actually seen the original Tron. As such, this review will be completely unbiased by nostalgia and judged by its own merit. Gods help it.

  On the outside, Tron 2, a.k.a. Daft Punk: The Movie, seems like every computer geek's wet dream. It features sprawling landscapes, beautiful women, caged deathmatches, and so much more within a vast computer system. It also, apparently, is run by the Ricola guy. You can barely watch it for ten minutes without BWWWWWOOOOOOOWWWWWWW~

  Let me just get something out of my system quickly (get it? "system"? rim shot). Tron Reloaded is an incredibly boring movie. The predicate of that previous sentence is best read bolded, underlined, and concluded with several exclamation points. I cannot be kind about this. BWWWWWOOOOOWWWWW~

  Maybe it's because I graduated with a degree in information technology, but from the moment Garrett Hedlund entered the grid, I had no idea what was going on. As far as I can tell, his father has been trapped on the grid for 20-some years after running cp flynn . from the bash, but having that copy act in a way that was different from what he planned. It's like I, Robot, but without Will Smith's, eh… "lackluster" acting. Anyway, this copy, dubbed Clu, beat him to death with a candlestick in the memory cache. Wait, no, rather, he somehow conquered the grid somehow, turned Tron evil somehow, summoned the kid to the grid somehow, and generally acted very goofy… somehow (fitting for a Disney movie, I suppose). At some point, a bunch of arbitrary migrant programs gained sentience or something and Clu killed them all (rope, graphical processing unit). There was also this bizarre character that seemed like an inhuman amalgamation of Johnny Depp and Jim Carrey. It almost made me want to hold up a cross and try to cast out the demon. I could just go on and on, but I think my brain is about to rupture. BWWWWWWOOOOOOOOWWWWWW~

  The point I'm trying to make is that the plot was ridiculous and its telling was incredibly boring. The movie only came alive for me during those sparse opportunities when Daft Punk music started playing and the camera focused on some hot female cyberpunk booty. BWWWWWWWOOOOOOWWWWW~

  I said before (way back in May) that a poor plot can be forgiven if the characters were interesting. Just like in May, the characters in Tron: The Empire Strikes Back are so unlikeable that it's amazing they even got any actors at all. Sam, the son, is just a rich wise-guy who flaunts his protagonist status. Quorra, or 13, is an emotional joke that must've learned to speak from the G-Man School of Linguists. Kevin, the old user, is just a ridiculously stereotypical hippy that, admittedly, made me giggle, but also felt completely out of place given the setting. BWWWWWWOOOOOOWWWWWWW~

  The movie gets a low 5.3002432 / 10.23. The only reason it earned any points at all is because of the light-cycle sequence, the Daft Punk soundtrack, and a particular scene where Olivia Wilde was sprawled on a sofa with her legs prominently on display. Do yourself a favour; just pick up the OST from Target and listen to it while playing Galaga or something. It will be a lot more entertaining than watching this movie. BWWWWWWWOOOOOOWWWWWW~

  
  Thanks to this picture, you no longer need to see the movie. You're welcome.

  • 8:05 am
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