January 17, 2011
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Alpha and Omega, a review
"I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End, the First and the Last." - Revelation 22:13
With these words in mind, Lions Gate embarked upon its latest effort to shove Pixar and Dreamworks out of the computer-animated movie spotlight. The reason I decided to watch and review this undertaking is because I, honestly, never heard of it. Since I consider it my duty, as a full grown adult, to review children's CG movies, I could not let this pass. A movie about two wolves from different social classes falling in love sounded absolutely adorable! How could they possibly go wrong? To answer that question, I present this movie as evidence.
This movie revolves around two cubhood friends, Winslet and Bogart. In order to reunite two warring packs, Winslet is expected to marry the opposing family's top dog, as it were, Brooks. Before this can occur, Winslet and Bogart are sedated by some park rangers, dropped off in Idaho, and expected to repopulate a forest area, Noah's ark style. After some golf humour and French-bashing (seriously), they decide to head back north to their forest in Canada. It's a bit like The Incredible Journey, but with fifty times the horse crap. When they finally get back, the marriage is broken off, Winslet and Bogart get together, and Brooks gets together instead with the emo-haired Munster. There, that's the entire plot. Now you don't have to see the movie. (You're welcome)
I must say, when I think children's movie, I think gender stereotypes. This movie was the strangest case of it. The she-wolf (wolfette?) is made out from the beginning as a fully trained special ops soldier, or an "alpha," as they're called. However, time after time, she is rescued from life-threatening situations by what amounts to a stand-up comedian, or "omega" (get it?). I guess I understand the whole chivalry aspect, but that just seems ridiculous. You never saw any of that silliness in WALL•E.
I mentioned that this was a kid's movie, but I'm not too sure about that anymore. The amount of sexual innuendo is incredibly awkward, to say the least. I certainly felt dirtier than ever by the time the movie ended. I think Lions Gate tried to cover it up in a mask of kid-friendliness, but its primary audience was the abominable "furry" demographic. Maybe that's what the title means. It's encouraging viewers to go to confession. "Forgive me Father, for I feel dirty."
For having unlikable characters, an overall sense of dirtiness, and just being bloody boring, Alpha and Omega gets a meager 3.5462001 / 10.23. The only reason it earned any points at all is because I like the idea of a comedian beating up a bear and dodging bullets. It rather gives me hope. Also, the emo-haired wolf looked unbelievably ho-GAH! No no no no no no no no! Out damned thought! Excuse me, I need to find a Catholic church. ("Forgive me Father…")
Rawr, children's movie!
