I think car companies need to start advertising to TV and movie companies. The American consumer is getting pickier and pickier with their automobiles, so it might be time to try and expand the market. These entertainment industries are just the place to go. They’re constantly in the market for new cars. Just look at how many the Mythbusters go through alone!

These companies should start designing cars specifically meant to crinkle like tissue paper and burn like magnesium. They will have all of the super special effects that movie companies spend thousands on built right in! This could be an all-new, all-American industry. Picture it: the Dodge Rammer or the Chevy Frailblazer.

Why should these movie studios, that buy cars by the gross, be forced to modify them themselves. Don’t let the TV studios buy used. Get them to buy the new ones they need!

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Finally, the ADD Generation has a movie they can call their own. Rango, a movie by Nickelodeon of all groups, is a rapid fire type of movie that doesn’t have time for such frivolities as subtlety and coherency. We’re busy people. We don’t have time to actually sit back and think.

The movie stars Captain Jack Sparrow as a stir crazy pet chameleon. Wait, that’s stupid. Hurry up and drop him off in the desert. Now that we have Willie Wonka in the desert, what now? Bam! Now he’s the sheriff of a wild western town. Yeah! Everybody loves cowboys. Cowboys? Pfft, that was so five seconds ago. Lets have an Apocalypse Now themed shootout. Wait, these young’uns don’t know about Apocalypse Now. Quick, cut to a Star Wars trench run-like mid-air battle. Whoa, even better: dress up Sweeney Todd as a woman! Yeah, it’s on now! Don’t stop and think! Bam! Rattlesnake with a Gatling gun for a tail! Aww man, can’t top that. Y’know what? Fuck you: it’s time for Clint Eastwood. Bah! Clint Eastwood is old hat. Lets just wrap this up with Edward Scissorhands getting some hot lizard tail. EXPLOSIONS!

Lack of exaggeration aside, I can’t really bring myself to rate the movie highly because it is my least favourite type of movie: the living-a-lie movie. From the moment John Dillinger finds himself in the peaceful town of Dirt, he just keeps digging himself deeper and deeper into his own fiction. The reason I hate this type of movie is because it is always exactly the same, and watching the lies stack up just makes me groan on the inside… and on the outside if I’m watching the movie alone.

One thing I did find interesting was just how grown-up some of the humour was. This came to a head about midway through the movie with a subtle colonoscopy joke. I was grinning and the guy behind me gave a chuckle, but it flew right over the head of the overgrown embryoblasts in the audience. It was weird.

Much as I hated the plot structure, I still wound up enjoying the movie for the most part. It wasn’t mind blowing, but average enough to keep my attention for the requisite amount of time. At least, I think so. I’ll let you know as soon as I stop seizing from the frequent and sudden cuts from dark, starry desert night to blinding, midday desert sun. The movie gets a passable 7.300234 / 10.23.

Side note – Only three people stuck around for the credits, myself and two others, and it was for the exact same reason: to find out who voiced the rattlesnake character. It was Bill Nighy, by the way, also known as Victor from Underworld (I knew I recognized that voice!).

DESK REPORT
2011 March 7
Prepared by: Jimbo (Computing Branch)

---

Owner: Bill Anderson (Computing Branch Manager)
Location: Corner Office (2F15)

Statistics:

• Mahogany
• Four Legs
• Two Drawers
• 3′ x 9′ x 3′
• Inedible

Status:

• Dent on upper-right corner
• Permanent coffee ring near right edge

History:

• 2010 Nov 12 – Ownership passed to Mr. Anderson
• 2010 Jan 24 – Ownership passed to Curtis Sanders
• 2009 May 11 – Moved from cubicle SR23 to office 2F15
• 2009 Mar 15 – Initial purchase by Howard Humbert

Initial Cost: $226.45
Current Worth (estimate): $75.84

Suggested Action:
Stop asking Jimbo to have reports on your desk by an arbitrary point in time.

Jimbo News Network reporting live from President Jimbo’s manga vault as he calls for reform in the Sustain the Industry movement.
Keep Anime Alive

In order to compensate for my unpopular two-part series of posts, here are books I encourage everyone to crucify in their yard.

Forrest Gump – Winston Groom
Genre: crap
I always, always, always hear people tell me that the book is always better than the movie. I used to think that too growing up until I read the book version of Forrest Gump. The movie was a loveable romp through history with a single dim-witted individual changing history and lives. The book only had the single dim-witted individual, with none of the loveableness or interesting views on the past. It was almost painful to read page after page of the rubbish.

Her Fearful Symmetry – Audrey Niffenegger
Genre: crap
Frequent readers may be surprised by this entry since the author shares a spot on my Books That Everybody Should Read list. It looks like she was a one hit wonder, however, since this book is boring, unreadable tripe. I think I only reached the half-way point before banishing it to the back of my bookshelf. Like The Time-Traveler’s Wife, it had one interesting niche that the story could hinge on, the recently deceased old lady who comes back as a ghost, but instead spends almost all of its time on the other characters of an ancient boarding house. This motley group consists of some of the most boring, angsty individuals I have ever encountered. The author should’ve followed the pattern of her last book and focused on the one or two characters that are actually interesting.

Lilith – Siegmund Hurwitz
Genre: crap
I admit that the mythology of Lilith, the world’s first feminist, really interests me. The only problem is that it’s hard to find actual citations for the story. I tried this book since it seemed the closest to a scholarly book I could find. Unfortunately, it reads like it was written by a first-year college student (apologies to first-year college students). It jumps wildly from topic to topic and rarely finishes a single thread of thought. Half of the time, I had to stop and remind myself what the actual topic of the book was, because I think the author forgot too.

The Lost Gate – Orson Scott Card
Genre: crap
Curse you Barnes & Noble and your discount book shelves. If it wasn’t for tempting percentage-off stickers, I could’ve escaped without reading this tosh. Sadly, the lure was too great and I was forced to wade through what must be one of the worst “fantasy” books of all time. I’m not a big fan of the fantasy genre. The only reason I picked up this book (aside from the sale sticker), was because it had an interesting premise: a boy realizes one day he can create portals to go from one place to another whenever he wants. Sadly, instead of dwelling on this, the book revolves a series of mostly disconnected events that have nothing to do with anything. The only real plot takes place during the first few pages and the last few pages. Everything in between is nothing more than the author cashing in the royalty cheques.

by Jimbo
Jimbo News Network – Foreign Affairs Correspondent

Violent protests recently broke out within the Smith Family household, likely set off by the continued unrest in North Africa and the Middle East. Protestors are calling for better representation in government, improved food supplies, and fairer bedtimes. The current monarchs of the household, known by their subjects as Mom and Dad, are calling the protests “ridiculous” and that they are “just a phase” that will pass in a few days.

The protests erupted early last night when Mom and Dad ordered their constituency to go to sleep against their wishes. Fueled by the protests observed on the evening news over dinner, the protestors declared their disgust at the obvious attempts of squashing their freedoms. They immediately began chanting anti-government slogans within the household common area.

The monarchs acted immediately to counter the protests with peaceful reassurances, at first, then later followed by louder denunciations. Things turned violent after several hours of protesting. All of the protestors present were assaulted by government agents in what was later described as a “spanking”.

The violence broke up the protests for the evening, but the resistance resumed early in the morning during attempts to return members to the government-endorsed education facility. Current reports are few and it does not appear that authority figures will be relinquishing any power in the near future.

McDonald’s has recently started selling some of their burgers in the form of tortilla-wrapped burritos. This seems like an odd concept from the start, as a burger doesn’t fit properly into the common mold of a burrito structure. I was hesitant.

However, a realization came to me the other day while standing before McDonald’s glowing menu screen. These burritos, silly as they are, may solve a long-standing issue I have with fast-food burgers: mess. I have nothing but scorn for the grease and splooge that besmirches my fingers during mealtime. The burritos, being completely wrapped by a tortilla anti-mess shield, should be capable of containing the mess within and keeping my hands unsullied.

Unfortunately, I was wrong. Far removed from the menu photo, the burrito shell was irreparably torn, allowing the innards to dribble out with each bite. It was also far too loosely wrapped, with it unfolding nearly as quickly as the foil wrap. The outside of the burrito itself felt like it was dipped in grease before being passed on. Look, I can understand a burger not looking like the menu picture, but how can you screw up a burrito? All you need to do is wrap it properly and it doesn’t matter how the innards are scrambled.

I suppose I could just stop eating at McDonald’s, but that would silly. How else would I get my daily recommended allowance of salt?