by Jimbo
Environmental Correspondent (Tree-Hugger)

The international community is in shock today after the Quebec University Environment and Energy Renewability (QUEER) group's assessment was released detailing island nation Jimbonia's renewable energy efforts. Jimbonia was recently lauded for its extensive use of wind turbines across its countryside while only switching to fossil fuels when the wind isn't blowing. However, other countries began to ask questions when examining its massive importations of oil and coal.

The QUEER study showed that while Jimbonia's wind turbine infrastructure was large, the turbines were free-spinning and did not produce any actual electricity. "They were just for looks," said QUEER representative William Liam. "They wanted to look good to other countries, but lacked the resources to actually use the turbines."

Jimbonia's president Jimbo denounced these findings as ridiculous. "No, no, no. That's silly talk. We are, uh… we're using those turbines alright. We're just using them so effectively that they only appeared to not do anything. Those QUEER guys don't know what they're talking about."

The group is now investigating several other countries across the globe for imaginary renewable energy efforts.

I think it's high time authors from around the world got together and agreed on a set of standards for fictitious beings. Most fantasy authors have rallied together under the Tolkien camp, wherein elves are all knife-eared hippies and dwarves are bearded Scottish midgets. There remains a lot of openness in scifi; but, for the most part, humans are always pricks.

My major area of consternation is in literary vampires. Most authors agree on broad traits: they drink blood, they shun sunlight, they're immortal but not invincible, &c. The specifics, however, are far too loosely defined. Are vampires a separate species or are they still human albeit with a disease? Does sunlight instantly kill them or slowly? Does light even kill them at all (i.e. does it just make them gaily sparkle)? Just what kinds of supernatural gifts does vampirism bestow (e.g. increased strength, nightvision, overpowered libido, &c.)?

These are issues that need to be resolved. I have seen loose constructionists take advantage of these gaps, often to detrimental ends, too often. I don't have much knowledge in vampiric lore, so I leave it to the experts in this situation. There can be no doubt, though, that something must be done.

On the outside, Tron 2, a.k.a. Daft Punk: The Movie, seems like every computer geek's wet dream. It features sprawling landscapes, beautiful women, caged deathmatches, and so much more within a vast computer system. It also, apparently, is run by the Ricola guy. You can barely watch it for ten minutes without BWWWWWOOOOOOOWWWWWWW~

Let me just get something out of my system quickly (get it? "system"? rim shot). Tron Reloaded is an incredibly boring movie. The predicate of that previous sentence is best read bolded, underlined, and concluded with several exclamation points. I cannot be kind about this. BWWWWWOOOOOWWWWW~

Maybe it's because I graduated with a degree in information technology, but from the moment Garrett Hedlund entered the grid, I had no idea what was going on. As far as I can tell, his father has been trapped on the grid for 20-some years after running cp flynn . from the bash, but having that copy act in a way that was different from what he planned. It's like I, Robot, but without Will Smith's, eh… "lackluster" acting. Anyway, this copy, dubbed Clu, beat him to death with a candlestick in the memory cache. Wait, no, rather, he somehow conquered the grid somehow, turned Tron evil somehow, summoned the kid to the grid somehow, and generally acted very goofy… somehow (fitting for a Disney movie, I suppose). At some point, a bunch of arbitrary migrant programs gained sentience or something and Clu killed them all (rope, graphical processing unit). There was also this bizarre character that seemed like an inhuman amalgamation of Johnny Depp and Jim Carrey. It almost made me want to hold up a cross and try to cast out the demon. I could just go on and on, but I think my brain is about to rupture. BWWWWWWOOOOOOOOWWWWWW~

The point I'm trying to make is that the plot was ridiculous and its telling was incredibly boring. The movie only came alive for me during those sparse opportunities when Daft Punk music started playing and the camera focused on some hot female cyberpunk booty. BWWWWWWWOOOOOOWWWWW~

I said before (way back in May) that a poor plot can be forgiven if the characters were interesting. Just like in May, the characters in Tron: The Empire Strikes Back are so unlikeable that it's amazing they even got any actors at all. Sam, the son, is just a rich wise-guy who flaunts his protagonist status. Quorra, or 13, is an emotional joke that must've learned to speak from the G-Man School of Linguists. Kevin, the old user, is just a ridiculously stereotypical hippy that, admittedly, made me giggle, but also felt completely out of place given the setting. BWWWWWWOOOOOOWWWWWWW~

The movie gets a low 5.3002432 / 10.23. The only reason it earned any points at all is because of the light-cycle sequence, the Daft Punk soundtrack, and a particular scene where Olivia Wilde was sprawled on a sofa with her legs prominently on display. Do yourself a favour; just pick up the OST from Target and listen to it while playing Galaga or something. It will be a lot more entertaining than watching this movie. BWWWWWWWOOOOOOWWWWWW~

Thanks to this picture, you no longer need to see the movie. You're welcome.

Step 1 - Release the original
This is the most important step for releasing a trilogy. The biggest thing to remember is to make the first film as if you aren't making a trilogy! I know it's difficult to separate the creation away from your grand plan, but this is important. You must have your audience demand a sequel. Only then will they willingly accept it.

The original is to be your magnum opus. You should put everything you have in it. If you screw this up, then no one will pay for the sequels. Remember, only the first one has to be good. Once you hook a fanbase, they will spend ridiculous amounts of money on anything else, so long as it's related to the original.

Step 2 - Release a crappy sequel
So the first movie is a huge success. You have made ridiculous amounts of money and have a sizeable fanbase. You can put your feet up now; the hard part is over.

The plot of the sequel should follow directly from the original. Even if the ending of the first isn't conducive to a sequel, you should do whatever you can to make it fit. It really doesn't matter what you do with the sequel, so just go nuts. Critics will roundly lambast it, but they would do that no matter what you do. Just go nuts! Add in some cheesy dialogue. Add in some ridiculously over-the-top action. Add in some awkward attempts at humor. It doesn't matter! Your new fanbase will flock to see it, regardless of the mountains of poor reviews.

Step 3 - Release third movie
There are two options here:

(A) Release a prequel to the first movie - Go through the first movie and pick some completely arbitrary aspect of it. It doesn't matter too much what you pick. The point is to take this one event that no one really cares about and expand upon it. It could be how two characters met or the childhood of another character. It really doesn't matter much. The important part is that it distances itself from the second movie as much as possible.

(B) Release a sequel to the sequel - Again, this sequel should follow immediately from the film preceding it. Again, it doesn’t matter what you do with it. Fans and reviewers will just be so grateful that it isn't the second movie that they will be more forgiving to its faults. Unless, of course, you really screw up.

Direct sources:
Spiderman trilogy
Underworld trilogy
Austin Powers trilogy
Toy Story trilogy
Star Wars trilogies (both of them)

Honourable Mentions: (not strictly trilogies)
X-Men films
Transformers films
Shrek films

There needs to be a new political opinion show where the two pundits get so worked up that each episode ends with them getting in to a fist fight. It would be like Jerry Springer for the cable news evening.

Here's how I picture it: The program takes place in a big fighter's cage. There are two guys with differing viewpoints, usually a democrat and a republican. Each night, a currently relevant hot-button issue is discussed. Polite discourse gradually gives rise to heated shouting. Throughout, props are gradually dropped into the cage by American flag bikini wearing supermodels. It starts out with "opinion enhancers" like bullhorns and obscure, potentially-flawed reports on demographic statistics. It eventually builds up to items like truncheons and pugil sticks.

This kind of show would even spice up political discussion around the coffee machine in the office in the morning. "Yeah, well, if that tort reform supporter was such a wuss, he wouldn't've had his face broken in by the truth."

Step 3 - Set up the tree (no, I will not make a "wooden erection" joke)
Hopefully before purchasing the tree, you made the necessary preparations within your home. This usually involves moving furniture, clearing a path, placing the stand, and preventing your cat/children from climbing the tree (suggestion: drowning). After you weave your way through the path you cleared with the tree in your arms, you will need to carefully plant it in your tree stand. There are many different stands available for purchase, but you can do no wrong with the patented, sturdy, unfailing brand of whatever stand I have. After you latch it down in a precariously upright position, you must carefully align it so it is perpendicular to your floor.

Ha ha ha, I'm joking of course. This is impossible. All pine trees are specifically grown so that their middles never form a straight line. Just do the best you can to ensure it doesn't topple over if someone so much as breaths on it.

Step 4 - Wrap the lights and tinsel
Hopefully the tree is sturdy, because you are about to embark upon the most difficult task of your life. Stringing lights around a tree by yourself is similar to trying to cut out your own appendix. It's difficult, messy, and there is a very real possibility that you'll kill yourself before it's through.

The first challenge is to simply get the lighting. This is particularly difficult because of the unique physical laws that only apply to wired items kept in storage. Any wiring that is kept out of sight for more than twenty-four hours will, without fail, coalesce into a round bundle with roughly the same density as a neutron star. It is your task to spend the next several hours untangling it.

After you have your lights prepared, it's time to put them on the tree. You start at the top and wind the lights down the tree in a counter-clockwise direction (clockwise if you're in the southern hemisphere). You'll want to make sure the line is carefully balanced by branches at regular intervals, but don't set the lights too deep. No, no, that's too deep. Bring them out more. … That's too much now; put them further back into the tree. Gosh, you're just not good at this at all, are you?

Well, just do the best you can. Rather, do a little bit better than the best you can. And, by "a little bit," I, of course, mean "a lot".

Step 5 - Hang the star and ornaments
You have done it. You have nearly reached the end of the list. By now, the tree should light up nicely (by  your lighting, not by fire). This final step should be simple. Take the ornaments that you and your family have been steadily acquiring since the Paleolithic Era and hang them in an aesthetically pleasing way upon the tree. There're no particular rules for this. Just go nuts!

When you feel ready, turn out the room's lights and plug in the tree. I can guarantee that, despite all of your best efforts to the contrary, your Christmas tree will look beautiful. At least, for half a second before all of the lighting blows a fuse.

Hello readers, and welcome to Jimbo's official guide for setting up your Christmas/Yule/Holiday tree ("Christmas tree" or "the tree"). If you follow this step-by-step guide to the letter, then you are in for a fantastic several months before you decide that the needle-less tree-shaped dead thing in the corner is starting to look tacky.

Step 1: Purchase the tree
The Christmas tree industry is a fierce competition. Retailers basically have a few short weeks to sell their stock and make a sizeable profit off of desperate traditionalists. Since the growers know pine trees hold a monopoly on the Christmas tree industry, they can charge huge sums, which are amplified, in turn, upon the consumers (i.e. you). Christmas trees in this day and age are expensive. Before visiting your local retailer, you may want to remortgage your home for some fast cash.

Picking just the right tree is important. You have to take many factors into account: the height of your ceiling, the actual height of your ceiling, how much space you have, how big the roof of your car is, how much money you manage to acquire from selling spare organs, &c. Most retailers organize their trees by order of price. The most expensive and beautiful trees will be closest to the entrance. These are real prize winners that rise higher than most apartment complexes and were probably planted around the time Christ was born.

Of course, these trees are way out of the price range of a poor scumbag like yourself. You will need to walk several miles to the back of the store to find trees that are kinder to your wallet. They will be maybe a little taller than your average Schnauzer and consist of one-eighth presentable side and seven-eighths "turn to the wall" side.

Find a tree that you think will fit in your living room, then put it down and pick one slightly shorter. Your ceiling will always be significantly lower than you think it is. Carry it over to the register then hand your cash and blood bags to the obviously exhausted cashier. You are now the proud owner of an all-natural pine scent generator!

Step 2: Bring the tree home
Unless your car doubles as your home, you will need to drive it back. This usually involves picking off one of the surly college students employed there and having him tie the tree to your car's roof. If this proves difficult, try waving around a wad of money and saying, "gee, I sure wish I could tip somebody with all this cash." After a group of customers mug you, the employees will feel a little sympathetic and put the tree up there for you.

As you're driving home, be prepared for other drivers treating you differently. When they see that tree on your roof, they will assume you'll drive like an old lady and pass you at every opportunity, even when you are moving at a seemly 95 miles per hour (in a 35 zone).  Perhaps they just don't like the cloud-like waft of pine smell you leave in your trail.

(Stay tuned for part two!)

Oh Tim, how romantic. This café is so beautiful after the sun sets.

Do you remember this place, Sarah?

How could I forget? This is where we first met a year ago.

It was so crowded that we both ended up sitting together by chance.

It was like our destiny to meet.

Yes… I wanted to come here again… to ask a very important question. I hope you're as ready for it as I am.

Yes?

Will you…

Yes!?

Change your Facebook status to "in a relationship" with me?

(Sarah covers her mouth with her hands, exasperated) YES!

I love you, Sarah.

I love you too!

(Both turn away from each other and open their individual laptops)

"[Sarah Sanders] omg, tim just proposed to change our relationship status!!!"

"[Tim Schneider] just took a big step in a new direction with the love of my life."