If the above Facebook advert doesn't creep you out, then you clearly have not spent enough time on the Internet.

by Jimbo
Jimbo News Network - Political Correspondent

After hitting President Obama in the lip during a basketball game, Rey Decerega is scheduled to be executed on the front lawn of the White House at 09:00 EST tomorrow morning. The execution, which takes the form of a public lynching, is intended to be "an example to others," says press secretary Robert Gibbs. "The public needs to be taught that this sort of activity will not be tolerated."

The action is garnering unusual bipartisan support. Democrats are hailing the move as definitive proof that not all of their party-members are spineless wusses. Republicans are grateful that there will be one less Democrat in the country.

Some are expressing surprise at the president's bold declaration. Recent polls show a huge rise in popularity for a president with a, quote, "totally bad-ass scar on his face."

The gallows have already been erected on the lawn and other preparations are going smoothly. The president has already expressed his personal desire to be the one who pulls the lever. "Nobody fouls the president," he said with a scowl.

Did you ever have one of those moments where you had hope for humanity? One of those moments where you said to yourself, "Yes, everything is going to be okay." I had one of those moments on my way home this afternoon.

Let me set the scene: I live near DC, where traffic is notoriously nasty. I came up to a particularly busy intersection and the traffic light was broken. My road had a blinking red light, while the perpendicular traffic had a blinking yellow light. Given the region and the time, I knew I was going to be there for a while. The other traffic had no obligation to let me or the other cars before me in.

However, a peculiar thing eventually happened. The other cars began to stop and shuffle in the cars in front of me. One car would go, then a car on the other road would go, then another car would go, then another from the other road. Eventually it was my turn and I turned on to the road with no difficulty. I was freaking out, man! Afterwards, I attained a certain level of inner peace. It was as if everything was going to be alright.

… That is, until I pulled in to the grocery store parking lot. There was much taking of the Lord's name in vain and renewed feelings of utter misanthropy. Oh well.

Long-time readers of my blog know that I hold a certain level of contempt for the Harry Potter movie series. That is, a level just slightly higher than that of sitting in a tub full of broken glass. I had no intent of seeing this two-part finale until I began seeing bad reviews spring up all across the Internet for the first installment. This actually piqued my interest. When I saw people declare bad what they fawned over previously, I took that to mean "different". Nobody likes to see a change in the formula (see New Coke, et al.), except, of course, for people who did not like the original. If these bad reviews suggest a change in the Harry Potter series, I decided it was time to swallow my pride (and my masculinity) and see if it was a change for the better.

As it turns out, it was. Go figure.

Probably my biggest complaint with previous entries in the more-money-than-Allah Harry Potter series is its pacing. They travel at breakneck speeds to ensure that all of the book's required scenes make an appearance, while giving them too little time to be interesting. Harry Potter 7, by being split in half by some wankers in marketing, has the opportunity to actually let things slow down, and it is better for it. Scenes actually have a chance to build atmosphere. Characters have a chance to develop. Rupert Grint has more opportunities to get the heck away from the camera (which, fortunately, he does. At least, for a little while).

I would also like to mention the improved use of magic in this one. Rather than just spouting goofy spell names and making things fly around, the wands in Harry Potter 7 are doing what they should always be doing: breaking things. Whenever the cast wasn't moping around and complaining about how hard life is, they were in fire fights where everything they point at explodes. It's much more entertaining to watch than just a pair of dudes shooting ribbony light at each other.

I was particularly fond of the scene in the Ministry of Magic that was reminiscent of 1984. They were churning out propaganda left and right, as if preparing Europe for the coming Communist Revolution. I was half-way expecting a lady with orange hotpants to run in and throw a sledgehammer at a giant television screen.

Let me also say that Mrs. Lovett's character is absolutely bad-ass. She managed to throw a dagger and nail a tiny house-elf in the chest as he was apparating away. The only way it could be more awesome is if the knife was on fire, then exploded (and caused Emma Watson's clothing to fly off).

I was slightly off-put by the director's almost religious devotion to having the male characters take off their shirts. Even some of the female characters took opportunities to show some skin (though, not nearly enough to satisfy the few men and lesbians in the audience). If I wanted to see that sort of thing, I would've just stayed home and watched 300 again.

Also, did the cameramen forget how a tripod worked? The camera just would not hold still. It wobbled as if the guy holding it was about to puke (probably from the dialogue). I felt like I was watching some crappy French nouvelle vague movie (Jean-Luc Godard, eat your heart out).

Let me wrap things up. This is probably the only Harry Potter movie I would dub "good". If you're a fan of the books, it wouldn't hurt to see it. If you're not, well, then I suppose you can just go out and not see it. Whatever.

Why I grew my hair long

The reason I gave: I wanted to prove that people of this day and age are capable of looking beyond one's appearance and judge people solely on their merit. I wanted to believe that humanity has advanced far enough to realize that not all long-haired guys are pot-smoking hippies that are incapable of rational thought.

The real reason: I didn't want to spend fourteen bucks a month just to keep my hair short.

...And why I cut it short again

The reason I gave: The arson investigation was getting too close.

The real reason: I realized that I was spending about fourteen bucks a month on Liquid-Plumr anyway.

Quest for Fairies at the Bottom of the Garden
Based on the popular phrase "fairies at the bottom of the garden," this series follows on the popularity of shows like Ghost Lab and MonsterQuest. It features a main announcer, preferably with an English accent, travelling the world on the hunt for fairies and other fairy-folk. He uses all sorts of unique tools and techniques on his quest while investigating every inane sighting.
Potential Tagline: We can't prove they're not there.

Fuckin' Explosions
The logical extension of Mythbusters and other shows like Smash Lab, this series will feature nothing but explosions. There will be no hosts, no narrators, no educational content, no prep work. It will consist solely of an hour's worth of explosions. Toasters, cars, freight trains, 747s, everything. Just strapping on explosives and blowing stuff up.
Potential Tagline: And God saw the light, that it was good

The Fall of MTV
While this can potentially be extended into a month-spanning documentary, just one hour will probably be enough. This will give a narrative account of MTV's birth as a television channel of music and continue through its drunken fall into the abyss of "reality" TV and celebrity gossip.
Potential Tagline: MTV used to play music. Here's what happened.

Vegetarianism and Evil
This will be a one-off documentary digging in to the evil side of vegetarianism. Rather than being stereotyped as irritating but harmless hippies, the narrator will dredge up history's worst vegetarians. While it may be difficult to pin their crimes on vegetarianism, we will certainly try in order to ride the controversy circuit.
Potential Tagline: Hitler was vegetarian. That's right… Hitler.

As with Despicable Me, it seems that Hollywood is continuing its tradition of keeping the evil guy down. I suppose I should accept that no one outside of the government propaganda offices will try to make feel-good films starring evil characters. Oh well.

Our story begins on the distant planet of Eiffel 65 where various azure denizens lived their lives before being summarily killed by an encroaching black hole. The hitherto unnamed main character is blasted off carelessly into space to assume the rather humble moniker Megamind. He becomes a villain while his childhood rival Metrosexual Man becomes the stalwart hero. Blah, blah, blah, a bunch of stuff happens, and by the end he gets some lovely if awkward tail from the weekly damsel in distress, Roxanne.

Fun fact: From the moment Roxanne's name was revealed, all I could think of was the 1987 Steve Martin movie. I suppose Megamind traded in the de Bergerac nose for a large skull and blue skin. Bit of an improvement, really.

The movie was funny, but didn't have much substance unless you forced some in. I could claim that it portrayed a profound, eternal balance between good and evil. Both the hero and the villain define their existence by the other, similar to The Joker and Batman. If the hero loses, the villain also loses. Like I said, I could claim that, but I'd be missing the point entirely. It's a comedy. That's all it needs to be.

I would like to point out that the soundtrack for this movie was spot on. The use of AC/DC, Ozzy Osbourne, and Guns n Roses was absolutely amazing. Anybody who says different is wrong. As they say, presentation is everything.

Let me wrap things up. The movie is functional. The humor works. The characters are adorable. The 3D is gimmicky. The score is 8.125601 / 10.23. You may now carry on with your lives, citizens.

by Jimbo
Jimbo News Network - Political Correspondent

In a recent press conference, leading politicians announced a bipartisan effort to name all future important political discussions after beverages served during the sit-down. This is part of a continued effort to force arbitrary memes upon Americans that was last seen with the now mandatory application of "gate" to the names of political scandals. President Obama had previously set the precedent with his famous Beer Summit last year. It seems likely to continue with the forthcoming Slurpee Summit between the president and Representative Boehner. There is some consternation, however, as the likely future House Speaker would prefer to hold a Merlot Summit (sauce).

Future planned discussions include the Piña Colada Summit, the Malted Milkshake Summit, and the Pisco Sour Summit. "I'm not sure what these talks are going to be about," said President Obama during an interview with JNN. "But the names certainly sound interesting."

Beverage companies are already maneuvering themselves politically in the hopes of having a summit named after one of their products. "7-11 is getting too much free advertising from this," said a representative from PepsiCo. "All we're saying is that it would be nice to see a SoBe Summit or Aquafina Summit in the near future." Media reporters are already staking out in front of the offices of top legislators in hopes of seeing one taking contributions from a beverage company representative. The race to report on the upcoming Non-Water-Beveragegate has begun.

In the beginning there was the Word, and the Word was "Arrrrr".

I just got back from the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear and let me just say that I think the speaker system rattled a few fillings out. It was definitely worth it, though. There were tons of great musicians (Cat Stevens, Ozzy, The O'Jays), tons of famous guests (Kareem Abdul Jabar, R2D2, The Mythbusters, a 7-year-old girl), and a bunch of "entertaining" rally goers. It was fun, somewhat profound, and a great afternoon. No regrets.

Oh, and I have pictures. Enjoy!