Never call customer support. I should have learned my lesson last time I tried, but silly me decided to give it another try. Maybe I thought they would have changed somehow. You see, the cable modem at my new place does not have a functioning Ethernet port. I went through a whole lot troubleshooting steps (and CAT-5 cables) to determine that the problem could only exist with the modem. In my infinite wisdom, I decided to call the cable company, which I will refer to with the pseudonym Cocks, and explain the situation to them. Of course, I was completely wrong, according to them. There is nothing wrong with their modem. Their modem, which they supplied, is infallible. It must be something wrong with everything else. Even if all of the wires and computers were tested and retested, they would probably blame sunspot interference (it interferes with the cables, of course, since the modem can deflect sunspot interference). They told me to call up the computer and/or router company to solve the problem. This was ridiculous since I had not even hooked up the router when I found out about the problem. The problem now is that my landlord is about to leave for almost two weeks, so there is no way I can have some Cocks guys come in and put in a new modem. Even if they would, they would think I was mad since I was trading in a perfect modem for another equally perfect modem. The whole point of this tale is that I will be without a home internet connection for about two weeks. Be ready for several withdrawal induced rants penned at work in between customers. Hoo-ray!

Talking about work is always a great way to start conversation. It usually gives you a wealth to ramble and complain about, which forms the basis of every conversation. There are some jobs, however, that this tactic does not work with.

"So where do you work?"
"I work for the CIA."
"Wow! What do you do there?"
"I can't say."
"..."
"..."
"I see."

"So where do you work?"
"I work at the waste management facility."
"Oh really? What do you do there?"
"I'm a garbage collector."
"..."
"..."
"H-How fascinating."

"So where do you work?"
"I work at the... hospital."
"Neat! What do you do there?"
"Donate sperm."
"..."
"..."
"I have to be going now."

Okay, everyone. I'm moving to my new apartment tomorrow, so I likely won't be able to update too much for a little while. Try to bear with me while I try to work out a mutual arrangement with my landlord (I'm renting her basement, LOL).

I think I may have finally met God yesterday. Let me explain. About a week ago at work, our communal microwave burned out and we were waiting for the company to supply us with a new one. Knowing how fast our company works, I wasn't expecting one until I'd long since retired. I had a fairly frugal lunch that I topped off with a simple fortune cookie. It read: "God will give you what you wish for". It also gave me some lucky numbers, but I believe I shall keep those to myself for my own nefarious purposes (or a math test). I did not give it much thought at the time, so I threw it away. I really wished I had that microwave for at least some warm food. About ten minutes later, a delivery man came in with a brand new microwave. I knew, at that moment, that I was looking at a GOD! Honestly, he was not what I expected in a god. He was somewhat short white guy with chin stubble. He didn't hold himself well at all. He had that "this is my last stop of the day, so hurry up" personality. Still, this god seemed very tangible and believable. In addition to all of this, as predicted, this god actually gave me what I wished for. Awesome!

N-No more pajama parties?

Uh-oh, America. It seems that we have some serious trouble
brewing on the other side of the ocean (Pacific). It has come to this blogger's
attention that the Japanese diet is hearing a petition that will effectively
ban the portrayal of underage girls in what are dubbed "adult anime
simulation games." This is a huge issue. You see, some of the best anime
are based on adult visual novels, including the much lauded Kanon. If this
passes, that would mean anime writers would need to write actual material and
it may see the end of the harem anime genre all together. Also, the quality of
H games is sure to largely decrease, as all of those all-girl high schools
suddenly have to be transformed into all-girl colleges. I don't mean to sound
alarmist, but this law could very well stall out Japan's economy (y'know, more
than it already is). We need to act if we want these valuable treasures of the
orient to continue coming out. I encourage all of you to write your Japanese
diet members (I don't care, pick one) and tell them to say "あなたの子供を食べて下さい"
when this gets put to vote.
(sauce)

Generally, I try to stay away from politics when blogging. First, I'm not opinionated enough for it, and also because there are so many people better at it than me. However, when I saw this article, I couldn't resist putting a few words in. You see, it reports that presidential hopeful Barack Obama is, quite possibly, a real life white mage (or at least a low-profile faith healer). There was this one lady in Texas who was confined to a wheelchair for years, and Barack just walked on over and pulled her to her feet ("Yes, you can!"). It did not go into detail what happened afterwards, but my gut tells me that after he let go she fell right back into her wheelchair. The article also claims he healed the blind, deaf, and cancerous. I can only assume he also healed during his stumping laziness, athlete's foot, and erectile dysfunction. This should all be taken cum grano salis, of course, but it would be entertaining if it was all true. I think he would save something like this for after he wins the democratic ticket. Imagine him debating with McCain:
"You're too soft on Iran and you're silly looking."
"Oh yeah? Well, let me see you do THIS!"
*cures McCain's thinning hairline*
However entertaining this election year has been, this would kick it up to eleven. He just has to be careful with a power like that, especially if it is not something he can control. Imagine if he was meeting with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and accidentally "heals" him of Israel. That would be one heck of an oopsy-daisy. Maybe he would be so kind as to give the current president a firm handshake and cure him of his... well, y'know.

Disclaimer: In case you did not actually look at the source, it is from a comedy newsletter and is not, in a literal sense, true. I just made it seem that way for my own amusement.

Video games these days have been getting far too violent. It's ridiculous and starting to affect our children. I was playing this one game called Kirby's Adventure for the newfangled Nintendo Entertainment System, and the amount of gratuitous violence was appalling. It featured the main character (who has an obvious homosexual agenda) willingly killing "bad guys" in all manners of styles including: electrocution, sword slashing, combustion, stoning, bare-handed fighting, and eating them. There is even a special power the character can obtain that is similar to setting off a nuclear weapon, executing everyone on screen. This kind of wanton violence surely desensitizes children and makes them think it is okay to light themselves on fire and run into people. There is also a special power players can get that allows the character to turn into a tornado and kill others on the screen. In light of recent events, this addition is in poor taste. I can assure you that this blogger will be sending Nintendo and HAL a stern letter telling them to either raise their ESRB rating to M or higher, or to tone down the violence to protect the children.

I think cell phones today have too many unnecessary features. For example, my phone has a built in tip calculator. I'm fairly confident in my mathematical abilities, so I think a feature in my phone for such a task is not needed (two bucks flat, regardless of service). I don't really understand texting either. I have seen people have a complete conversation through texting. Why not just call the person? It is all quite confusing to me. The only feature I think that my phone does not have is the ability to automatically get the phone numbers for good-looking women. "Hey, I passed you on the street three days ago. I just wanted to say 'hi'." Imagine my surprise when I finally found a phone that had none of these features (go ahead, just try to imagine it for a second). All you can do with it is call people. I found the advert for this thing in the latest issue of AARP Bulletin (I like the way they see the rising cost of living and assume I can retire at twenty). It has a simple number pad with a "yes" and a "no" button. You just dial in the number, then the on-screen prompt helpfully asks if you want to call this number (no, I was just jerking your chain). My favorite thing about this particular cell phone is that it actually has a dial tone. There is none of this ridiculous "signal bar" gobbledygook. If you have a signal, you have a dial tone. Period. The only difficult thing about this phone is choosing whether you want it in black or white (if you prefer: ebony or ivory). The strange thing about this advert is that it makes it seem that phones today are hard to use. I have never had that thought. Some of the features are silly, but I've never had a problem accessing or using any of them. Pardon my lack of modesty, but I am a bit of a "techie". I am fully capable of changing the batteries in my TV remote without any aid, thank you very much. However, this advert almost seems to say that the universe does not revolve around me. I better give these guys a good, stern talking to.

I was reading an interesting article (well, as best as you can consider a boring article “interesting”) over at TIME regarding prescription drug commercials, when a certain person mentioned caught my interest. In the interest of protecting her identity, I will refer to the lady named Ruth Day as Eleanor. Eleanor’s job is to study commercials made by pharmaceutical companies. Imagine that: a job wherein you sit around all day and watch commercials. And here I thought bathroom attendants had lousy jobs. She has been studying these commercials since the late 1990s and dissects how advertisers manipulate it so viewers hear what the advertisers want them to hear. Why she doesn’t just ask the advertisers personally is beyond me, but at least her paycheck is less than mine (at least, it had better be). Some of the assumptions she made were pretty interesting. She noticed that most commercials list the side-effects in the middle of the commercial, long after most viewers have changed the channel back to C-SPAN. The article also saw fit to mention that the Nasonex bee was once voiced by Antonio Banderas. What this fact has to do with anything remains to be seen. Maybe we should get Eleanor to investigate TIME.

Everyone, I have an announcement to make. I think I have finally found a Final Fantasy game that’s good. Nay, belay that remark. I think I have finally found a Final Fantasy game that’s great! I am talking, of course, about Final Fantasy: My Life as King for Nintendo’s WiiWare. It takes all the elements that everyone (read: I) hate about Final Fantasy games and throws them out the window in favor of game elements that everyone (read: I) can agree are awesome. The winners at SquareEnix have seen fit to turn Final Fantasy into a city-building simulation, which I can only hope will be emulated by all future entries into the series. They pull it off with such panache that I’m amazed they don’t actually do it more often. You have to plan out commercial, residential, and indus- er… training districts to fully optimize town morale (tax income). Unfortunately, the streets are already laid out, but around them are glowing tracts of land where you can use an arcane form of magic called Architec to create buildings for your burgeoning, medieval metropolis. For all of you “traditional” Final Fantasy-heads, there are still the traditional RPG elements, including leveling up, fighting monsters, and exploring dungeons. To improve this system, they made it so that you play no active role in it. What you do is hire adventurers to defend the city and explore dungeons in your stead. They go out to level up, fight enemies, and bring back loads of magic-laden crystals to embellish your empire (J-Town). It’s truly the most ingenious battle system employed in any Final Fantasy. There is, of course, a lot more to it than that, but that should be enough to moisten your palate. My only real gripe with the game is that you have no say in how you want to act as king. The only choice you have is to act like a good king (or wussy king). While it’s true that people will stop in the street to bow to you, I expect them to drop to their knees and silence children with my passing. Still, for only fifteen US dollars, this is a great game to get. It’s even better if you drop an extra three to pick up the Selkie den pack (I give the expansion a “seal” of approval)