So, you have been elected president. So what? Being a president is great and all, but unless you’re the first at something, you’re nothing but a footnote in history. George Washington was the first president. John Adams was the first to live in the White House. Rutherford Hayes was the first to visit the west coast. Millard Fillmore was the first to install a bathtub with running water. If you aren’t the first at something, you will be worthless. Fortunately, being the first at something isn’t hard. You just have to find something that nobody has done yet as president, and you are golden. Just look at James Madison. To hell with the War of 1812, he is best remembered for being the first to wear long trousers, rather than knee breeches. He saw all those knee breeches, and saw an opportunity. He grabbed it and is now one of the most famous presidents in history. Our current president (T-Pain, for the uninformed) is going to have an easier time of it. As the first black president, he can use that to his advantage for an outrageous number of firsts. He is the first black president to appoint someone to his cabinet. He is the first black president to be protected by the Secret Service. He is the first black president to bring a Nintendo Wii to the White House. He has it all lined up. What are you going to do? I don’t think any president has physically spit on the Constitution yet. Metaphorically, sure, but I think you can go a step further. Just be careful not to set a precedent.

"Politics makes me sick." - William Howard Taft

Let me tell you a tale about a truck driver who decided to trade her kids for a cockatoo. This tale is a lot more interesting than that, as the kids were not technically the truck driver’s. Also, the family making the trade, a loving couple with twenty years between their ages, already has three other kids from a different marriage and desires more. I’m sure this sounds like a magical romp through fantasy land, but, sadly, reality has to ruin a perfectly good fiction story by making it actually happen. This narrative took place in Louisiana, where the aforementioned truck driver saw an advert selling a cockatoo. She contacted the couple selling the bird, determined the price was too high, and decided to peddle off the kids in her care. The family, who had three kids from the husband’s past marriage, dreamed of having kids of their own, and decided to accept the deal. Why they would adopt kids when they wanted their own is beyond me, but so is this entire friggin’ story. Anyway, the cops received an anonymous tip about the deal, and decided that a 27-year-old marrying a 46-year-old was just creepy this shouldn’t go through. They later discovered that the kids weren’t even the trucker’s kids. They were the kids of another family that dumped them on her. Most of the characters of this farce are currently in custody in some form or another. (sauce)

Now that you are all thoroughly confused, let me say that I am right with you. I mean, what kind of mother leaves her children with a long-haul truck driver? Did the kids stay in the sleeper part of the cab? I understand that the mother was going through some hard times, but even this is a little “whack”, if you’ll allow the term.

“In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.” – Adlai Stevenson

I think that if I ever decide to go back to Christianity, I would follow the so-called Wicked Bible. It is basically exactly the same as the original Bible, except that it makes the seventh commandment “thou shalt commit adultery.” More than likely, this was just an accident on the part of the printer. It is my understanding, however, that accidents are God’s way of remaining anonymous. God was clearly trying to get the word out that adultery was okay, but didn’t want to go through all the effort of sending another prophet. I think the efforts of the clergy and royalty are doing more to stymie God’s true intentions than anyone else. They have the audacity to declare God’s intervention a blunder that needs to be corrected. Humans, being fallible, are not supposed to interfere with God’s will. We are only supposed to follow the Word and not ask questions. That said, any married Christian females are encouraged to contact me to discuss this further. No fat chicks.

"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post 'Thou shalt not steal', 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' and 'Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment." - George Carlin

I’d like to thank you all for coming here again on this sad day. To present our dearly departed’s eulogy, as requested in his last will and testament, we have Jimbo. You can step up if you would like.

Thank you father and thank you all, I guess. To be honest, I was surprised when I got the call a few nights ago telling me that I was to give this guy a eulogy. I’ve known him for a while, sure, but it’s a little odd, all things considered. First and foremost, this schmuck owed me some money. I even have the piece of the pizza box we both signed our bets on. Now he’s dead, and clearly can’t pay me back himself, which means the family picks up all his outstanding debt. I just so happen to have the pizza box with me here, so I’ll be sure to collect the five dollars you guys owe me on my way out. What else is there to say? He was a great guy, I guess. He always… actually, now that I think about it, he was a real prick. I can’t believe I called him a “friend” for as long as I did. He wasn’t very kind. He wasn’t very funny. Hell, whenever he came over he would eat all of the snacks in the house. He was like a horde of locusts condensed into one man. Ugh, and he had the most irritating laugh. We would be out eating somewhere and he would suddenly give out this loud, boisterous laugh that made me wish I could hide under the table like a child. I’ll never forget that time at the movies, though I don’t remember which it was, when there was a very quiet scene and he just let out the loudest fart the world had ever known. And another thing- yes? What’s with that look? I can go on and on. Hey, he had it in his will. He wanted me up here. Oh alright, fine, but I’m not staying. Can I have my five bucks? Thanks, I’m outta here.

(Disclaimer: I’ve never actually been to a funeral, so I’m only assuming this is how it works)

“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” – Epitaph of Winston Churchill

I noticed a post on another blog I frequent that got me thinking. Here is the important snippet (I cut out his opinion, so go read the entry yourself)

---

You are in a burning building and you have the option to save only one of two options:

A) You save a cryogenic container containing two fertilized embryos that are still viable.

B) You save a newborn infant.

---

This is an interesting philosophical question that brings the pro-life/pro-choice argument to the forefront. The correct answer, I would assume, is B. Of course, my opinion is irrelevant since I'm a BLASPHEMOUS HEATHEN OF QUESTIONABLE MORALS! I had so much fun with this thought experiment that I want to do a few for myself. To break away from the typical waffling of philosophers, I'm going to append to each the correct answer.

If a building was on fire, and you only had time to save one person, would it be:
A) the morbidly obese man?
B) the incurably anorexic woman?
Correct answer: B. The anorexic woman would be significantly easier to carry. Just be careful not to break her in two when you pick her up with one hand from the waist.

If a building was on fire, and you could only rescue the survivors from one side of the building, would you rescue:
A) your local senator / MP?
B) the family of five illegal immigrants?
Correct answer: Okay, I suppse this is a trick question. You would obviously save the family of five, but the real question is, after you rescue them, would you ask for their immigration paperwork and subsequently report them to the authorities?

If a building was on fire fell into the ocean (don't ask, it just happened), and there were two survivors at opposite ends of the building, would you save:
A) the woman with the bigger bosom?
B) the woman with the smaller bosom?
(And yes, cup size is the only information known)
Correct answer: Okay, you got me. There is no single correct answer.

If a building was about to be attacked by a zombie horde, and you could only evacuate one last person, would it be:
A) the very loud and irritating pro-life advocate?
B) the very loud and irritating pro-choice advocate?
Correct answer: Neither

If you are a Christian (at least pretend for a few seconds if you're not), and, um... something deadly was about to happen to these people and you could only save one, would you save:
A) The Jesus?
B) your mother?
Correct answer: Duh! Save your mother. Jesus is supposed to die for our sins. It would defeat the purpose if he doesn't.

... ... ... If you'll excuse me, I'd better call my mother.

"Fifty years, no problem. Six months, I say let 'em die. Well, I've actually given this a lot of thought, and my personal tipping point is seven years, eight months, and fourteen days." - Gregory House

When tech-geekiness and modeling combine, you get the sexiest thing EVAR! (yes, with an 'a')

In all things, it is important to look upon history and make sure that mistakes are never repeated. This is especially true of the saddening period of time known as the War of The Forgotten. Nobody knows who struck first, but what followed was a period of near relentless juice shed. The Forgotten Lunch Meat Empire, who fervently believed that their sentience was a gift from the great sky bulb, declared war against The Union of Leftover Pasta Sauces (ULPS) who felt their sentience arose from natural processes of time and fungal growth. Other allies rose to defend their brothers in arms and war soon escalated to encompass the entire refrigerator. The Half-Empty Catsup Bottle Coalition joined forces with the ULPS, while the former government of the Island Nation of Cheeses was overthrown and replaced with a Lunch Meat-favorable leader. Less civilized nations on the refrigerator’s fringe were overtaken, overthrown, or simply disappearing from existence. The fungal soldiers of the various empires were advancing and falling back regularly, with very little actual ground being taken.

Then, one day, the apocalypse came. All of the empires disappeared in a moment of bright light and confusion. Time passed once again and new nations, including ours, came into being. Nobody knows for sure what caused this massive catastrophe, but most agree that it came about because these greedy nations of the past overstepped their boundaries. They let greed and bloodlust guide them into destroying everything they worked so hard to build. Knowledge of these past battles still remains with the ancients and the records written in the frozen Back Wall. Remember well, child.

"War... has changed." – Old Snake

Time for taxes, time for taxes, la la la~ Good thing the library has all the tax forms I could ever need. Hey, they have one called a 1040-EZ. Ha ha, I get it. It's called "EZ" because it's easy! I like easy. Let me just pick up this one and be on my way.

(The next day)

Okay, I have all of my paperwork together. Let me get these taxes over and done with. "Wages, salaries, and tips"... boy they weren't kidding about the "EZ" part. It's right here on my W2. Okay, taxable interest. I have my savings account and some cashed savings bonds, so that means... I need form 1040A. Oh, that is some crap. I chose the EZ form because it was easy, and now I need the A form. Y'know what the A is for? "ASS!" Stupid IRS! Bunch of poopy, doo-doo heads.

(Jimbo has now been added to the list of those to audit with a cat-o'-nine-tails)

"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax." – Albert Einstein

Excuse me sir, I’m going to ask you step behind the cones.
Oh sure, sure. So what happened here? Looks like a pretty neat accident. Is it okay if I—
Sir, please. Stay behind those cones. This is an accident scene.
Oh, I’m not going to touch anything. I just pulled over to get a good look at the carnage. Hey, beats sitting in that traffic, right?
Sir, I can’t allow you to do that.
Geez. Well, can you maybe move some of the bodies over here? I want to take a good look at ‘em. Particularly the one from that car that got smashed on the driver’s side. Ooh, wait, is that blood on the windshield of the other car? Nevermind, I want to see that what that body looks like first.
I… I don’t have that kind of authority.
Well, could you at least move your cop car? The fire trucks are blocking the view from the road and an ambulance is blocking the other side. All I can see is a little bit of the cars.
Ugh, no sir. I can’t do that.
Oh wait, the ambulance is pulling away. Geez, now I’ll never see the bodies.
Sir, don’t run that way!
Wow, now that’s a view. Look at those cars. That dinky little sedan didn’t stand a chance against that monstrous SUV. Look at the front end. Flattened like a soda can, it is. And look at the blood stain on the side of the SUV. Did… did the sedan driver actually fly through the windshield? Oh man, I wish I could’ve seen the body. You ruined it, officer. I hope you’re ashamed.
Sir, please return to your car and get moving. There’s nothing to see here.
Yeah, you sure saw to that, didn’t you? Prick.

“We fly to beauty as an asylum from the terrors of finite nature.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

This post didn't read well, so what I decided to do was dabble in the world of "videoblogging". Plus, it gave me something to put on my YouTube account.

Oh, and sorry for the poor sound quality. Apparently buying the cheapest digicam in the store was a poor decision.