March 5, 2009
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Relationship Help
On Tuesday, a classmate actually asked me for advice when it came to a potential relationship. This was stunning to me, considering I've never been in any sort of romantic relationship in my life (that is, aside from the long and fulfilling relationship with my left hand). Anyway, I had no idea how to properly help, so I just continued to pry for more information until he finally came to a decision on his own. It wasn't until last night that I started to think how much fun I could've had with the question he posed. Here is a paraphrased version of it followed by some of the responses I could have given.There's this girl who seems to be coming on to me. She initiates conversation and it's kinda fun, and she's somewhat good-looking... What should I do? Do you think I should pursue this further?
The Anti-Happiness (i.e. default) Response
No, you shouldn't. In fact, it would probably be best if you avoided her as much as possible from here on out. Give her the cold shoulder.
Why?
This way you will avoid any possibility of happiness, which is something I strive to rob people of at all times. She will start to ignore you and feel rejected. You will start to feel self pity as you wonder "what if". It will be glorious. Anything I can do to destroy one life, possibly two, is a worthwhile risk in my book.The Skeptical Response
Whoa, whoa, whoa, how can you be sure this person is a woman? This is something that should be investigated before moving on. I would recommend a quick maneuver I call the "striking snake". It's a quick and thorough grab of the crotch. It's the only way to know for sure. Be sure to let me know what you found when you finish.The Journey Response
Any way you want it, that's the way you need it! Any way you want it!
Da-nl-la-nl-la-nl-la-na!
Any way you want it, that's the way you need it! Any way you want it!
(Air guitar solo)The Well-Learned Response
Well, I would recommend pursuing it. In fact, pursue it to the extreme. You should find out everything you can about this girl. If you find that you really like this girl, then every datum you collect will increase your love for her. Just remember, you must avoid actually contacting her. Love her from afar. That is the true secret to happiness.The Twix Response
(Stuff entire Twix bar into mouth)
Mmm-mmm, mm-mmn nnm!
Comments (6)
I think the Twix response, and its corollary have proven to be the most successful in such conversations, as it most likely follows chaos theory. Thus the Twix response is the only proven method of responding to one such question, allowing for fate to determine such petty situations.
Hahaha long and fulfilling relationship with your left hand? Hahaha lefty!!
Hahaha I love the responses.
You're so funny!
Yeeeeaaahhh... the "Skeptical" approach will get you SLAPPED lol. There are times where I wonder if some "women" were actually men at one point. Sometimes I wonder if we can truly know whether or not women have vaginas if we don't actually see them all the time, but then I just throw that stupid idea out of the window.
I'd do the skeptical response. But I'm a girl, so its sort of reversed for me. I've had several girls come onto me without knowing that I was a girl. Explaining to them after they've already pursued me for months that I am indeed, actually a girl always stunned the shit out of them.
Kristine
You now have Journey stuck in my head!
So you're a lefty, huh? And I would've picked the Twix response. Mostly because Twix are delicious (lolz).