Hark, you are in for a real treat this time viewers. We are witnessing now the live otaku in his natural habitat performing one of his regular rituals: the cleaning of the plastic figures. Nobody knows what drives these creatures to hoarding magpie-like these figurines that modern humans pass off as mere toys, but hypotheses run wild.

Some believe that it is intended as a means of attracting a mate of the same species or to scare off potential rivals. The one with the larger and more impressive collection appears more successful and desirable. They devote much time and money to their collections though it often proves fruitless.

Or, could it be something deeper? Could it be an animal instinct that drives these creatures to collecting? Psychological experiments with these creatures have revealed that the mere thought of possessing one of these treasures is enough to elicit feelings of pleasure in the primitive parts of their brain. Researchers do not know yet what to make of these bizarre findings. It is believed that these collections represent a sort of utopia for these creatures: a world that they are free to organize and gaze upon at their leisure.

Could they have some spiritual connection with these plastic figures? Could it be that these figures represent idols of deities worshipped by these creatures? There are certainly signs that point to this outcome. Many otaku are known to create dedicated altars to their hoard and assemble elaborate lighting structures to ensure that their display is made prominent.

Researchers in the field and in the lab continue to study these marvelous creatures. Their habits and rituals are strange to us, but unlocking their mysteries may allow us deeper insight into our own mind and the nature of the world. I'm Jimbo Attenborough signing off. Good night.

by Jimbo
Jimbo News Network

The annual summit of Christian denominations Domini Iesus Congrego was held in Kenya this year and reached its conclusion yesterday afternoon. While much of the discussion and dealings bore little fruit, the DIC-K did announce a surprising decision that a majority of Christian groups agreed upon. It was decided that Southern rock would be Christianity's official music genre. "We looked at a lot of evidence and there were hours of debate," Pope Jimbo MXXIII told a JNN representative on the scene. "But, when all was said and done, it just made sense."

Members cited many points about the genre that led to the decision. The most popular is how often Southern rock mentions God in their lyrics. "It's subtle, but definitely there," says Pastor Jimbo of the Church of Multiplying Loaves and Fishes. "Off the top of my head, I think of Skynyrd's Simple Man. I just love that song." Also mentioned was how often members of Southern rock groups get called up to Heaven early. The untimely deaths of Lynyrd Skynyrd and Allman Brothers Band members are most frequently brought up.

Many frequent church attendees are excited by the possibilities. "I can't wait until the choir starts singing ZZ Top," says Church of Jesus Christ Superstar member Jimbo. "I wonder if they will do Tush? That would just make my Sunday."

The stock markets are already excited, as investors are clamoring over music industry shares. Figures are already coming in from retailers declaring huge sales of electric guitars, microphones, cowbells, and drum sets. Some of these retailers are even offering special deals for Christian churches looking to take advantage of this announcement. One local retailer, Jimbo's Guitarre Shoppe downtown, is offering a free crucifix-shaped guitar neck upgrade with the purchase of an electric guitar starter set.

Not all groups are content with the decision. The Church of Singing Nuns was one of the minority who voted against the measure. They prefer a move toward alternative rock and will attempt to make their voice heard next year.

I've been trying to post. Really, I have. It has just been hard. Everything I start writing about falls apart as I am doing so. Here are some ideas that were floating around my head but just didn't turn out the way I wanted them to:

• A Jimbo News Network post about scientists controlling weather and stopping all natural disasters, but God getting all the credit and the discovery being hailed as a miracle - After a paragraph, I realized it wasn't funny.
• A post about the lady at the pizza place who asked if the pizza I ordered was "only for you" - not interesting or profound enough to warrant further writing
• Another Jimbo News Network post lampooning the recent news about corporations being granted unlimited campaign spending wherein corporations are also given voting rights and citizenship - Fell apart as I realized, again, that it wasn't as funny as I thought it would be
• A story of a drug dealer who becomes a business mogul after leaving prison - Didn't go anywhere since it was too realistic to be silly.

I'm trying, folks! Just bear with me a little longer. For now, here's a picture of a car exploding...

I realize that in these reviews I have a tendency towards hyperbole. Not this time. I am completely serious when I say that this movie is one of the worst I have ever seen in my life. I don't even know where to begin with this. It's as if a bunch of people got together and just made a mess on a paper.

I don't know how such an awful movie could be made. I do have a theory though. Legion began as a zombie movie. The evidence is apparent: a large mass of mindless people with a dreadful need to bite people, a small group of survivors who get picked off one at a time, shotguns. The producers were probably about ready to start filming when some prick decided to say, "no, there have been enough zombie movies." Suddenly faced with losing their magnum opus, the group hurriedly tried to change the story line. They must've found the Bible in the drawer of their hotel room and decided that an angelic apocalypse was the way to go.

They were wrong. In fact, I don't even think it's the Bible they were ripping off. I mean, they had two angels, Michael and Gabriel, but after that there is no relation. They make a passing mention to the global flood, but that could be practically any ancient religion.

The plot is just a mess. Michael cuts off his wings and descends to Earth Terminator-style, steals a bunch of guns, and drives off to the middle of the desert to protect some pregnant lady so her child can redeem mankind. He needs to protect her from, of course, God. He had lost faith in humanity and decided to wipe them all out again. That's what the plot was supposed to be. The big problem is that they hardly pay any attention to it. They focus too much on character development that is ultimately worthless, since all of them end up dying anyway.

By the film's end there were so many loose ends that I almost turned to God just to pray that He does not allow the creation of a sequel. It never explains why or how the child is meant to redeem humanity. It never explains why Michael's tattoos suddenly appear on the lame male character's body. It never explains why it presented a Chekhov's gun in the beginning involving nightmares but fails to fire it. It never explained what was going on in the outside world (well, except for maybe a few sentences). It never explains why angels have such potty mouths. The list simply goes on.

I occasionally found myself laughing. The only problem is that this was not a comedy. I remember one scene in particular where Michael and Gabriel are fighting in a diner. Gabriel says to Michael just before he kills him, "you always wanted to live like them [humans]… now you will die like them." I was cracking up. That line was so cheesy that I could not help it. I was worried that the person sitting next to me would be pissed at my laughing, but he was giggling almost as much as I was.

This film gets an absolutely deplorable 1.523774 / 10.23. The only reason it received any points is that they had a big black man throw a frying pan at an old woman and they spared the slutty piece of eye candy for the last death. Do not watch this movie.

While I have written a lot of posts, occasionally I will create long series of posts with similar content or themes. Just in case you have forgotten how long I have had this Xanga, here is a table of contents for some of my "series". I like to think that my written has improved over the years.

_____, a review
All links are for movies, unless otherwise specified
Avatar
Harry Potter: Prisoner of Azkaban
Year One
The Invention of Lying
Monsters vs Aliens
9
Ponyo
District 9
Harry Potter:The Half-Blood Prince (...sort of)
Farewell to Manzanar (book)
The Proposal
Up
Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian
The Tale of Despereaux
Yes Man
Bolt
Watchmen
Coraline
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
(There is definitely a change by this point. Reviews are shorter and less standardized)
Religulous
The Dark Knight
WALL-E
Final Fantasy: My Life as King (video game)
Speeeeeeeeeeeed Racer
Iron Man
Twilight (book)
Atonement
Blasphemy (book)
I Am Legend
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass (game)
Stardust
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Kashimashi (manga
Paniponi Dash (anime)
TMNT
Air (anime)
Ico (video game)
Klonoa 2: Lunatea's Veil (video game)
Futakoi (anime)
REC (anime)

Jimbo News Network
US Ranchers Breed Sacred Numbers Cow - Refuse to Give Up (Axis_of_Doom guest blog)
Scientists Succeed in Turning Lead into Gold
Obama Runs as a Republican
The Pirates vs The French
Presidential Hopeful Ruins Campaign
Obama Fed Up with Fear Mongering
Tacoma Pilot Shit Out of Luck
KKK Goes Green
Dora the Explorer... the Harlot?
De-Baptizing the Baptized
Recession Hits Even God's Coffers
Coming to Grips with Logic
Disney to Acquire Rights to the Bible
Government Wants Your Family's Money
Government Requires "Bleepers" for All Americans
Neverland Madam Commits Suicide
April 2007 Broadcast
Woman Drives Car into Florida DMV

Amoral Relations
Username: PamelaT1234
Username: X_Gourment_X
Username: Ramrod226

Photo posts
DC trip
Evolution and the Smithsonian
Hiking

Otakon
2009
2008
2007

Jimbo's List of Anime Couples That Should Be
Part Two
Part One

School Career Day
Computer Programmer
Underwear Inspector
Government Agent
Repo Man
Underwear Model
"Super" Hero
Executioner

Anime season overviews
Winter 2010
Fall 2009
Spring 2009
Winter 2009
Fall 2008
Summer 2008
Spring 2008
Winter 2008
Fall 2007
Summer(?) 2007
Spring(?) 2007
Fall(?) 2006

Year in Review, in Haiku
2009
2008
2007
2006

PSA from Jimbo Advisory Board
Asking directions
Super glue
Calling AAA
Turn off your headlights

Go and Shoot Yourself
Part Two
Part One

Cooking with Jimbo
Kadhai Murghi (chicken stir-fry)
Beef Stew
Chicken Thighs with Leeks
Moros y Christianos (rice, beans, and peppers)
Fried veggies / Pasta
Fried eggplant / Pasta
Pasta Salad
Pecan Pie
Garden Salad
German Chocolate Cake

Movies and Adverts
Part Two: Lord of the Rings - Falling Down
Part One: The Sound of Music - The Shining

Why Bad Things Happen to Good People
Reason 3
Reason 2
Reason 1
Introduction

Jimbo's History of the United States
(This series is just starting out and I hope to expand it)
Part One: James Monroe

I hate it when nightmares wake me up from sleep. That happened to me last night, hence the complaining. I don't remember what the "plot" of the dream was, but I know it involved a creepy little girl with long hair. I've never seen The Ring, but I have played FEAR a few times, so I suppose it had scarred me for life. If I ever have a daughter, she will sport a crew cut; no exceptions.

Anyway, now that you're awake, all you can do is tell yourself it was just a dream and try to go back to sleep. This usually works, unless you wake up about an hour before the time you usually wake up. Now you're screwed. It's too early to roll out of bed and start your day, but too late to get any more decent sleep. You are caught in limbo and there is nothing else to comfort you but the creepy imagery of your nightmare. This is especially trying when it's a cold winter morning and your covers are nice and warm. Grr, minor inconveniences make me so angry!

Welcome brothers and sisters to the house of our lord and saviour Jimbo. We are gathered here today to go over another blessed meal bestowed upon us from Jimbo above us. Now, if everyone will open their hymnals to the marked page. As you may recall, we left off last time with a warm dish of beef stew. Today, Jimbo is going to take us all on a trip to the orient with a divine serving of kadhai murghi. Hallelujah!

As the great Jimbo always says, all things begin with the first step: acquiring ingredients
At this point in the good word, Jimbo is moving more towards those foreign entities known as spices. For this meal, followers will need several. You will need 2 tsp of ground coriander, 1 tsp of cumin, and ½ tsp of tarragon. Alongside these spices, you will also need a tablespoon of corn starch, a bell pepper, a small onion, two carrots, three chili peppers, four garlic cloves, a pound of boneless, skinless chicken breasts, a tablespoon of lime juice, and some olive oil. Now, I understand this seems like a lot to the congregation before me, but the glorious Jimbo assures us all that it is for the best. Be sure to have these ingredients blessed by a Jimbo priest for additional holy power from them.

Now brothers and sisters comes the second step: Preparing the ingredients
It is written that we begin with mixing the spices. This means bringing together in a bowl the coriander, cumin, tarragon, and corn starch in a bowl and ensuring they are thoroughly mixed together, now. Put it aside when all is right and begin cutting up the ingredients. Cut up the chicken, peppers, and onion into the holy one-inch cubes dictated by our lord and saviour, Jimbo. Next are the carrots, which need to be cut into slices. The garlic, the holiest of holy ingredients, must be prepared with care. Chop it into thin slices and be sure to place it into its own sacred chalice.

Now my brothers and sisters comes an important step in changing that chicken from the unclean mass of flesh that it is into the holy meal ingredient it should be. Place the cut chicken into a large plastic bag and pour in the spice mixture from earlier. Give the bag a good shake to make sure the demonic spirits are rattled loose and the spices completely cover the chicken pieces. You are now ready to move on to the next step.

The time has come to light the sacred fire and cleanse the ingredients in its purifying flame.
Place a large pot on the stove, turn to high heat, and add two tablespoons of oil. Once the oil has warmed up, throw in everything but the lime juice, garlic, and chicken. Cook, stir, and purify all of the veggies for four to six minutes until they start to brown and get soft. Once they have been cleansed by fire from all that is evil, remove them to a separate plate. The time has come now to add another tablespoon or so of oil and cook the chicken. Pour the garlic and the bird into the pot and cook for roughly five to seven minutes 'til there is no more pink in the middle. There may be times when the hot oil sizzles out of the pot and onto your arm as you are stirring. Just remember that this is a necessary pain and believe that you are braving it as well as the great Jimbo did in times past.

Once the chicken is thoroughly heated, throw all of the ingredients back in, including the lime juice. Cook a little while longer, Jimbo is not very specific but thirty seconds would be a good guess, then remove from heat. You are now done and ready to partake of this fine meal that our glorious god Jimbo partook himself in the past.

Amen!

Gather around children and listen to Uncle Jimbo. It is time for me to tell you little ones about a great American president: James Monroe. It was the Late Cretaceous when triceratops still roamed that ol' Jimmy was elected as the fifth president of our young republic. The US just gave Britain a good talking-to after the War of 6:12 PM and everyone was feeling super happy. They were even willing to look over his frequent sighs and lustful stares toward France.

Anywho, after being elected president, he didn't have anywhere to live since the white house was destroyed. He spent the first few months of his administration living in an old stagecoach carton. Secretary of State John "Number Six" Adams was especially vocal when complaining about holding meetings in farmer Ted's barn. These meetings, however, did set the precedent of concluding every presidential cabinet meeting with cow tipping.

In an effort to quell the rise of "hip-hop" music, President Monroe began sending black slaves back to Africa. In an act of pure hubris, he even named the capital of the new colony after himself: Jamesovia. The new colony is now the leading exporter of sunshine, kittens, and smiles.

President Number Five is well known for his work in the Missouri compromise. The area of Missouri filled out an application for statehood, but left the blank stating "Will slavery be permissible in the new state?" empty. This caused a commotion in the government bureaucracy. Some called for Missouri to fill out a new form, some called for the request and any others to be rejected, and some called for the immediate hanging of Benjamin Howards, the barber who accidentally nicked John Calhoun's chin while giving him a shave. In an impressive display of political savvy, Monroe admitted Missouri and Maine as states, but only with the compromise that they both be incredibly boring.

Monroe's greatest legacy was likely the short bit of text that later bore his name: the James Doctrine. Using an amazing level of foresight, he declared that all people trying to gain citizenship to the country must memorize what the doctrine states in order to pass the examination. In the James Doctrine, he basically told the European powers that if they wanted to try anything funny in this hemisphere, they would have to go through him. Europe, of course, readily capitulated after a brief discussion with Monroe wherein he carried a rather sizable rifle. International politics were never the same again.

Okay, that's all kiddos. Go out and grab Uncle Jimbo some Charleston Chew. I'm getting a bit hungry.

While I have yet to see it, I'm somewhat glad that Disney produced a new animated movie based on an old children's tale. They have been churning out direct-to-video movies on their old franchises for too long and their live-action and CGI movies are too nouvelle vague for my traditionalist sense. Children of this day and age need to be drawn back into the soft, cuddly fold of Disney's cartoon wings. They need some new properties.

I have lots of ideas, if they would just ask me. Imagine Disney taking The Scarlet Letter and turning it into a shiny-eyed and adorable animated motion picture (hey, they've animated more mature folk-stories). I'm picturing elementary school children running around with letters stitched to their tops pretending to be Princess Hester awaiting their Prince Dimmesdale.

Ooh, even better! They can animate Nabokov's Lolita. I'm sure Disney writers would love the challenge of trying to clean that story up. I don't know why, but I'm thinking Nicholas Cage as the voice of Prince Humbert Humbert. His deadpan style would be perfect, particularly for the overall narration.

Since Disney has finally gotten around to creating an African-American princess, maybe it's time for a Moslem princess. I'm thinking of Halima from Bartol's Alamut. While she is mostly an unimportant character in the novel, her story is one that Disney fawns over. She went from nothing to living the life of a princess in an imitation of the paradise gardens. There would have to be significant changes to the ending (obviously, she couldn't commit suicide in a Disney movie), but it is feasible.

While I'm dreaming of my pie-from-the-sky thoughts, I can wish that Disney does Takami's Battle Royale. I'm sure exploding collars will be THE fashion accessory for social-minded prepubescents that even parents can endorse.