Hello friends, and welcome to a second installment of
Cooking With Jimbo. Last time, we went over the easy procedure for baking an
absolutely dee-lish German Chocolate Cake. Today, we will go a little easier on
you and teach you how to prepare a large, fresh Garden Salad. Now this may
sound easy, but don’t let your previous assumptions fool you. Let us begin.
Step 1: Buy Ingredients
This should generally be your first step in almost any
cooking endeavor. If you were here for our first installment, let me tell you
now that there is no such thing as an “instant salad mix.” Sure, you have those
bags that come with a complete salad inside, but frankly they taste terrible
and should be avoided like a herd of diseased bison. Now, some things you might
want to pick up include: lettuce, carrots, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, red
onions, and dressing. Here are some important steps to take when purchasing
these things that make you look like a knowledgeable individual. First, you
must remember to squeeze everything, including the dressing bottle. This is
generally a test of freshness. I don’t exactly know what the criteria are, but
you must never purchase the first of anything you pick up. You should squeeze
it, frown knowingly, and then put it back. Afterwards, you are free to pick up
whichever one you like. When purchasing the dressing, and you plan on using this
salad to feed others, it is critical that you buy common dressings that actual
humans are known to consume. A good benchmark is how many words it contains.
You should generally aim for shorter names, such as Ranch or Italian. Long
names tend to taste like sewer water, and should be avoided. The question of
croutons may arise. Since I am probably the only person in the universe who
actually eats croutons, I would recommend purchasing a bag and then having it
express mailed to me so that I can eat them and you don’t waste your money.
Step 2: Prepare the lettuce
The lettuce is the most important part of the salad, so it
is important to make it look good. The first step to take is to whack it, as
hard as you can, against a sturdy countertop. I have yet to see the value of
this, but it sure is fun. Once is enough. Afterwards, you should rinse your
head of lettuce. This does not really accomplish anything but make the lettuce
wet, but you have to do it or you will die. Next, you will want to peel off the
layer you just washed, because it came into contact with the outside world and
must be eliminated. The last part is to tear off leaves of lettuce into
manageable bits and put them into a large bowl.
Step 3: Prepare other ingredients
This step primarily involves use of a knife, so if you are
not comfortable using one, then I do not recommend you prepare a salad. You may
want to prepare something easier, such as a pudding cup. Right, let us begin
with the cucumber. You should rinse it, just as you did with the lettuce, and
then cut it into slices about the thickness of a Sacagawea dollar coin (not
lengthwise; the other way). Next, you will want to take a potato peeler and
peel off the outer skin of the carrots. Do not let the name "potato peeler" confuse you. It is really multi-functional. It would be preferable to others in the
house if you did this over the garbage disposal, but it does not matter to me.
After it is freshly shaven, you slice it in much the same way as you did the
cucumber. As for the onion, you should be creative, because I am too lazy to
list the steps necessary for that mess.
Step 4: Mix ingredients
Now, just add all of the rest of the ingredients (sans the dressing) into your large bowl. For this next bit, you will want to take
a set of metric salad tongs, and “mix” the salad until the parts or somewhat
evenly distributed. This is to ward off any potentially picky eaters that may
only want certain parts of the salad. Now, just cover it with some high-grade
saran wrap, and you are ready for the final step.
Step 5: Relax after that hard work with a good movie
Might I recommend The Naked Gun 2 ½?
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