I buy biodegradable rubbish bags. Oddly enough, this simple fact about me only struck hard yesterday when I replaced the bag in my bin. When I first moved out, I saw them at the grocery store and thought, "neat." I knew even then when I bought the box that it was probably just corporate "green-washing," but I feel even that is getting a message out. Consumers nowadays care about this sort of thing, and it's a move in the right direction. Nevertheless, as I was changing the bag, I realized just how ridiculous this all is. Not the green-washing part, but the very idea of biodegradable rubbish bags. It's been a while since I did any research on the topic, but, according to my knowledge, landfills are designed specifically to squelch most biodegradation. These things aren't going to go anywhere for a while. Also, most of the stuff I throw in there is not biodegradable. So, while the bag may be long gone, people can still find out that I ate KFC one night three years ago. I suppose they would be useful if you're chucking some yard waste or trying to eco-consciously dispose of a body, but these particular bags don't have ties at the end, making them a hassle to tie off with just regular rubbish, let alone bodies and yard waste. The only good thing I can say about them is that they make me look sensitive and caring of the world to women I invite over. Granted, they are hookers and tell me I'm sensitive and caring because I pay them, but I like to think it's because of the rubbish bags. What they need to hurry up and do is perfect teleportation technology to make the whole rubbish bag problem moot. I don't care if it means the death of thousands of puppies and kittens to power such technology; I just want to be able to zap my chicken bones into the middle of a black hole so they don't stink up my house the next morning.

"I want to say one word to you, just one word." - Mr. McGuire, The Graduate

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5256375678...

by Jimbo - Religious Correspondent
Jimbo News Network

It seems that a new fad is raging through the country. It is a certain religious ritual known as a de-baptism. "It is meant to be a cleansing of all other religions," says leading clergyman of the Jimboism religious movement, Jimbo. The ritual, he explains, involves the dripping of oil onto the forehead of the de-baptized or, in extreme cases, the full bodily immersion in a vat of oil. The oil is not heated in any way, so damages are kept to a minimum. Jimbo explains that because of a lipid's hydrophobic properties, it is meant to repel and strip away the baptismal water. This is all symbolic, of course, as the original water would have been washed away the next time the person cleaned, making the ritual otherwise silly.

"Of course, it only washes away a specific religion," clergyman Jimbo continues. "It is a rather big religion, though. It is significantly easier to just do one cover-all ritual than go through each religion one after another." JImboism is, of course, a religion that prides itself in efficiency and expediency. They decided to make this ritual representative of all religions being washed away. "We want to make sure you are all cleaned up before joining the fold."

According to common beliefs, a baptism is meant to wash away the so-called "original sin" of mankind. Jimbo tells that this ritual "washes away the washing away." When pressed for further details, he simply smiled and tapped his nose.

Certain Christian groups have expressed outrage on this obvious attack against their beliefs. "When a person is baptized, it's permanent," says Father Francis of the Church of the Multiplying Loaves & Fishes. "Having a religion blatantly hate against another religion is wrong and should be rallied against." In a rebuttal, senior Jimboism clergy members stuck their fingers in their ears and sang "la la la, we can't hear you!"

I was reading an entry at another blog I frequent (I need to make an acronym for that; I use the phrase often enough), and it got me wondering: What exactly happens when a person gets excommunicated? I mean, obviously he'll be ostracized and probably won't get to enter a church for a while, but what else do you do with your day? If I was a regular church-goer and got the royal kick-out-the-door, I would, first and foremost, blame God. What the hell was That Prick thinking? Letting me save a girl's life by giving an abortion, and now His legions are kicking me out of the fold. Well, I won't stand for that. First order of business, flip the bird at the clergy on my way out. Clearly they don't know what they are doing. Schmucks...

You suddenly find yourself with a world of freedom ahead of you. You're already going to Hell anyway, so why not see how many more circles down you can go. Hey, it's too late to repent, since the church won't let you (can't talk to God without going to church, duh). Now, I don't know what you would do in this situation (frankly, I don't care), but I know I would throw a huge party. People seem to enjoy parties during major life events: graduation, marriage, super bowls, &c. Why not have one for your excommunication? I'll have everything from booze to strippers to golden bull effigies. It'll be great! Everyone will be invited, of courses, including the clergy. Hey, they played an important part in this life event, so why not invite them to the party? Maybe the church will let me know before they pull the plug so I can reserve Chuck E Cheese in time for a party of such magnitude.

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try." – Homer Simpson

I think I'm going to found a new religion. This one is going to be based around the imposing television show character Gregory House, from House. The way I see it, House is similar to a mythological god in so many ways that there isn't really any reason not to. For one thing, he is almost always right, which is something any self-respecting god should be. He actually manages to help anybody that comes asking for it, including finding cures to almost impossible illnesses and rising people from the dead. He has a small yet fanatically loyal group of followers that do his bidding and try to convince others of his divinity. Sure, he walks with a cane, sins like an antichrist, and generally hates humanity, but it will be hard to prove that any other god doesn't. Also, as a television character, we have plenty of pseudo-evidence for his existence, but it will be difficult to the point of obscenity to walk up to and point at the Gregory House. Sure, if I wanted to, I could walk right up to Hugh Laurie and punch him square in the face, but that would not be the Gregory House. Hugh Laurie would be more like a prophet. He's just spreading the good word in his faux American accent. I'm still working on the details, but it's going to be great.

"Actual magic is oxymoronic... might not even be oxy." – Gregory House

It is time for a call to arms. It seems that the UK government is attempting to put a blanket ban on all loli and fetish pr0n. This would include the publication and possession of anything of the sort. This is inexcusable! Granted, I don't actually live in Britain, but this type of cancerous thought must be stamped out before it spreads. I refuse to believe that we are at war with Eastasia again. (sauces: 1 2)

And Jimbo said, "Let me see Watchmen," and He saw Watchmen.
Jimbo saw that Watchmen was good, and He separated the movie from the graphic novel.

Seriously, it was pretty good. I know I was pleasantly surprised. This was the first comic book movie I watched where I had actually read the book first. Sure, there were some differences in the minutiae, but otherwise it stuck to the story right up to the end. I mean that literally; the ending was where it broke from the original. To be perfectly honest, I did not like either of the endings. They were both so farfetched that I had to liberally apply palm to face. I suppose the movie ending made slightly more sense, but (SPOILER ALERT: highlight below to read)

It was good to see all of the characters in action: Nite Owl, Silk Spectre, Hooded Justice, The Comedian, Doc Wanghattan, Richard Nixon, and, my personal favorite, Rorschach. I rather wished they would cut out the creepy romance between the second incarnations of Nite Owl and Silk Spectre, but I suppose it was worth keeping it to stave off any super-geek non-canon ire (I know how much they require comic book accuracy). I really liked the idea where most of them were not actually gifted with super powers (with one exception). They just trained their bodies and minds until they became super strong. It almost motivates me to work out and take some fighting classes... almost.

Another trait of the movie that I liked was what should've been a subtitle: "Fuck censorship." This movie had it all: blood, violence, sex, Doc Wanghattan's enormous... feet. I was rather grateful for this shameless disregard to decency, considering the liberal bloodbath that was the graphic novel. It will also teach watchful parents to actually do some research before taking their young, impressionable children to the cinema.

One of my major gripes about the movie was the soundtrack. Well, let me rephrase that. I loved the soundtrack itself. From Simon & Garfunkel to Nena, it had some fun songs. The only problem was that they seemed to be arbitrarily placed into the scene. When I heard "The Sound of Silence," all I could think was, "wouldn't a funeral march make more sense?" Mr. Screenwriter (David Hayter... *swoon*), I'm marking you down for that.

I'm also marking this movie down for seemingly not appealing to women. Seriously, there was not a single woman in the theatre. Just a bunch of fanboys laughing and cheering throughout the movie. Granted, it was the first showing available and I was cheering right there with them, but that's no excuse. At least hire some hookers to watch the film at each showing.

I hesitate to give this movie a numerical score, since I am biased from having read the source material. I will, therefore, refrain from giving an arbitrary real number and just tell you all to see the movie, even if you are not interested. Just buy a ticket and throw it away. Support the industry, if nothing else.

Going to see Watchmen today. You all should as well. Expect my review either this evening or tomorrow morning.

On Tuesday, a classmate actually asked me for advice when it came to a potential relationship. This was stunning to me, considering I've never been in any sort of romantic relationship in my life (that is, aside from the long and fulfilling relationship with my left hand). Anyway, I had no idea how to properly help, so I just continued to pry for more information until he finally came to a decision on his own. It wasn't until last night that I started to think how much fun I could've had with the question he posed. Here is a paraphrased version of it followed by some of the responses I could have given.

There's this girl who seems to be coming on to me. She initiates conversation and it's kinda fun, and she's somewhat good-looking... What should I do? Do you think I should pursue this further?

The Anti-Happiness (i.e. default) Response
No, you shouldn't. In fact, it would probably be best if you avoided her as much as possible from here on out. Give her the cold shoulder.
Why?
This way you will avoid any possibility of happiness, which is something I strive to rob people of at all times. She will start to ignore you and feel rejected. You will start to feel self pity as you wonder "what if". It will be glorious. Anything I can do to destroy one life, possibly two, is a worthwhile risk in my book.

The Skeptical Response
Whoa, whoa, whoa, how can you be sure this person is a woman? This is something that should be investigated before moving on. I would recommend a quick maneuver I call the "striking snake". It's a quick and thorough grab of the crotch. It's the only way to know for sure. Be sure to let me know what you found when you finish.

The Journey Response
Any way you want it, that's the way you need it! Any way you want it!
Da-nl-la-nl-la-nl-la-na!
Any way you want it, that's the way you need it! Any way you want it!
(Air guitar solo)

The Well-Learned Response
Well, I would recommend pursuing it. In fact, pursue it to the extreme. You should find out everything you can about this girl. If you find that you really like this girl, then every datum you collect will increase your love for her. Just remember, you must avoid actually contacting her. Love her from afar. That is the true secret to happiness.

The Twix Response
(Stuff entire Twix bar into mouth)
Mmm-mmm, mm-mmn nnm!